The beat goes on
I have resisted journaling for a very long time. I am not talking about Blogging, though many will attest to the fact that I resist that too. However, I have been dealing with issues of late, confronting feelings, thoughts and actions around my addictions. These struggles have been on-going for most of my life, and I have had significant periods of recovery. But not lately. I am currently just over 60 days clean.
Lately, I had difficulty maintaining my recovery and I got some help. It was just what I needed and it was good. I did a lot of work, (I worked hard!) and I made quite a bit of progress but now I find myself stuck again.
I am not in relapse nor do I feel one is impending, but I am not doing all that I need to be doing to stay on track either. One of the biggest struggles I have in life is being consistent with my self care: doing the things I need to do on a daily basis to take good care of myself. I am not good with routines and self-imposed structure. IT IS WORK and if I can avoid it, I do. It's just that simple. Hence I don't eat well nor do I exercise like I should (I walk to work most days for about 1/2 to an hour.) I am also paying the price with my health on that front too, I am now diabetic, I have atrial fibrillations, I am totally out of shape and morbidly obese, and the list goes on.
Most days, I don't feel the urge to use or drink, so I believe I am safe to do just the minimum I have to do to get by. It is a character defect that I willingly admit I have.
Lately, too many people have told me I should keep a journal. I have a number of other routines I avoid on a daily basis, taking time to pray/reflect with my creator, meditating, readings, smudging, etc. I have been going to meetings, about two a week, but that is about it.
So now, I feel I must add journaling to the mix. I started a few weeks ago when the first person suggested it, I did it for a few days, then I dropped it. Today, someone else suggested it.
Don't get me wrong. I used to be a counsellor and I used to suggest it to people all the time. I know it works and I understand the value of it. I just have a hard time doing what I need to do when it comes to taking care of myself. In other areas of my life, I am pretty accomplished. I have a job with lots of responsibilities, am a good father (weekends only) and I am good at caring and requiring them to care for themselves, but when it comes to doing for me, I get stuck.
Maybe I just needed to say it, to get it off my chest. Maybe I should post this in my journal as an entry for today. If you have thoughts or suggestions, I would welcome them, but I am not necessarily looking for the answer today. I think this path to recovery will be a longer journey for me.
Lately, I had difficulty maintaining my recovery and I got some help. It was just what I needed and it was good. I did a lot of work, (I worked hard!) and I made quite a bit of progress but now I find myself stuck again.
I am not in relapse nor do I feel one is impending, but I am not doing all that I need to be doing to stay on track either. One of the biggest struggles I have in life is being consistent with my self care: doing the things I need to do on a daily basis to take good care of myself. I am not good with routines and self-imposed structure. IT IS WORK and if I can avoid it, I do. It's just that simple. Hence I don't eat well nor do I exercise like I should (I walk to work most days for about 1/2 to an hour.) I am also paying the price with my health on that front too, I am now diabetic, I have atrial fibrillations, I am totally out of shape and morbidly obese, and the list goes on.
Most days, I don't feel the urge to use or drink, so I believe I am safe to do just the minimum I have to do to get by. It is a character defect that I willingly admit I have.
Lately, too many people have told me I should keep a journal. I have a number of other routines I avoid on a daily basis, taking time to pray/reflect with my creator, meditating, readings, smudging, etc. I have been going to meetings, about two a week, but that is about it.
So now, I feel I must add journaling to the mix. I started a few weeks ago when the first person suggested it, I did it for a few days, then I dropped it. Today, someone else suggested it.
Don't get me wrong. I used to be a counsellor and I used to suggest it to people all the time. I know it works and I understand the value of it. I just have a hard time doing what I need to do when it comes to taking care of myself. In other areas of my life, I am pretty accomplished. I have a job with lots of responsibilities, am a good father (weekends only) and I am good at caring and requiring them to care for themselves, but when it comes to doing for me, I get stuck.
Maybe I just needed to say it, to get it off my chest. Maybe I should post this in my journal as an entry for today. If you have thoughts or suggestions, I would welcome them, but I am not necessarily looking for the answer today. I think this path to recovery will be a longer journey for me.