I recently turned 25. A milestone some would say. Let's go over a few things. Inc wall of text
The rest of this will be me..
On My life from 20 to 25: I've changed drastically as a person. Some views have been made extreme, some views have become flipped, others flopped. Nothings really stayed at the same level. I think that's incredibly dangerous. In my early 20's i would have said i was a realist or a quiet optimist. Now i'd say i'm definitely a pessimist. I went from having this overall sense of everything was going to be okay, now it's more of a, desperation. Things really need to come together soon or i'm fucked. I've reached this level of fuckatude and i need to break through it. I NEED this to happen.
On parenting: I feel lacking as a parent. A lot of the time actually. Not only am i not even close to where i want to be financially as supportive as i need to be, but i think my overall demeanor to life certainly affects my relationship with joey. I've always had a strong desire to be a good father, i have such HUGE MASSIVE glaring daddy issues to the point where i was haunted in my youth on how important it is to not fuck up when you have kids. I guess my bar for parenting is quite high. Yes, which is a good thing. But sometimes i focus on how i'm not meeting my critical expectations but should be focusing on that i'm doing the best i can right now, that i want to improve, and that joey and i have an extremely loving relationship. His two's have become kind of rocky. He's at that age where communication becomes difficult, but that just means we're at the barrier of him being able to communicate more. This is all weighed down by the fact that i never ever ever wanted to be a single parent, and am. And i'm getting to the point of realizing that might not change.
On relationships: I really need one right now. But i have a lot of fears and realities i need to face. #1 i have an asston of emotional baggage from my relationship with laura. I'd feel like it would be a disservice to whoever i dated to have that from the start. #2 I was never good at casual dating in the first place. I was always "we're either romantically involved or we're not" kind of person. Plus i was never good at sweet talking or hiding things, which is a good thing in a relationship, but starting off it just makes things awkward. #3 I always envision relationships as either long term or not happening. I have no short game. We're either dating and it's bad and it's over. Or we're dating and it's good and it will be for awhile. Add to that i'm a single parent, and i have to worry about them liking kids, or not liking kids, or it's an inconvenience (because i couldn't date a woman who thought my kid was an inconvenience). But it's also, should i have them around my kid, or, should i let them be involved in this life. Even little things like just hanging when i have him, or possibly even watching him for a bit if it goes that far. They're so impacted because i have to worry about his well being.
I'd really like one, as i said, but i feel like my situation is incredibly complicated (because it is). God knows i could use some, bubbly, good looking, optimistic girl right now. It would probably do me an immeasurable amount of good if i dated someone who was happy. Miserable ladies need not apply.
On video games: I'm a nerd. Not really any more. Gaming to me has become a hobby instead of a facet of life. Which i guess makes me more normal. It's just sad to see it go. But really it's not. I don't like a lot of the newer games that come out. Add to that i simply can't afford all the shit that comes out. I like my WoW, i like my starcraft, i like the party games if and when i'm ever at a party next. I don't think i'll ever be as competitive (lie) as i used to be. And i know i'm never going to have adoration or excitement of a new game release. This might be rekindled when joey get's older, but i'm leaving that on him. I'm not going to force video games on him.
On my friends: DISSSSSTANCEEEEE. At 25 i know it's happening. They're starting to drop off. It's fine. It's not really a "growing farther apart" it's a "i got other shit to do." While some people can't seem to understand why or why not i can't make it to a game night, other people are cool and know that it happens. Also, a lot of bad things have happened over the past 2 years to everyone. People are sick, people are dead, people are unemployed. I think we had a point in time where as out of our 7 to 8 people i normally hang out with, 5 or 6 of those 8 were unemployed/laid off/between jobs. It should be known that i don't hang out with stupid people. College graduates and tradesmen. I'm actually the dumb one out of the group i think. But the most of us are unemployed, or for the most part, underemployed. oh Well. It happens. However, with the help of the internet, face book, ventrilo, and video games we pretty much always stay connected. So there's always that hope.
On the rest of my family: From 20 to 25 one of my biggest losses have been my family. We quickly became estranged to each other when some extra martial affairs happened and it came down to a lot of side choosing and finger pointing and all in all, jerry springeesque shit. That was probably the catalyst for the start of my bitterness towards life. To see close family members fight like that, people that i saw as brothers and sisters, really fucked me up on the inside. Now when i see them there this giant hovering cloud of quiet resentment paired with the inner longing of "i miss you so much, and i miss how things used to be." It's incredibly conflicting and it's the reason why i've estranged myself even further from everyone else.
I love my mother and she'll always be there for me. I hope in the end i can do good by her and give her the comfortable life she deserves. She's certainly looked out for me, even more so these past years and i'm always ashamed to admit but i've actually depended on her a lot. So props to mom.
On my dad: I love my dad. I would definitely not want to live in world where he didn't exist. With that out of the way, i've lost all respect for him. He's been laid off for 2 1/2 years and doesn't look for work. He's ready to retire at 53 even though he's still responsible for a family and a house payment. In the 19 years i've known him we really haven't ever gotten a long. There was a brief time between 8th and 9th grade when i thought things were going to be okay, but they weren't. He's always looked at me like a lazy spoiled brat. And i've always looked at him like a pot smoking retard. I just can't say anything good about him any more. He's lazy, he complains, he starts fights, and the biggest thing of all, he's greedy. All he's ever cared about is money. He thinks that money determines a man's worth, and i always thought it was things like loyalty, or love, dependability. i've always hated money. I've never wanted to be rich. I've always wanted to paid enough to not have to worry about anything. I never had expensive taste, i've never wanted to live in extravagance. I've always wanted a quiet life with a beautiful girl and some good looking and well behaved children. He wants to be a pimp or some shit. I dunno. I can't take him seriously any more. (I also feel it's important to mention that i think a lot of our shit comes from not being blood related. He'll bend over backwards to help out his fucked up loser family, but if i ever needed anything, it was always a fight. He didn't provide like a father should. I also feel this transfers over to Joey. Yeah he's nice and plays with joey, but i don't think he acts how a grandpa should act to his grandson. Keith's always put himself first. i didn't care that much, but it definitely strikes nerves with me when it comes to joey.)
What's left? Ohhhhhh yeah
On religion/philosophy/morals: I've always dabbled, or like to learn about religions, or have religious discourse. I'm not really like that any more. I used to think it was important to never classify yourself as a certain sect or religion, deep down i still might, but i'm not like that any more. I'm an atheist. It was a long time coming. A lot of Christians i've dealt with have always had that quiet sense of moral superiority, or just that calling in the back of their head that says 'i'm going to the good place, you're going to the bad place.' Of course you can say not everyone is like that, but the majority is. fags can't get married, drugs are bad, whores can't ply their trade. These are things that are passed off as "moral" or "religious" even though it's mostly just good old fashion big gov'a'ment behind it, playing the jesus card. Religion hasn't gotten any nicer since i've been around. Actually now with things like the "tea party" being a white, god fearing American is something that's flaunted. It's disgusting, and it affects me, and it affects my friends who are gay, or my friends who smoke pot, or people that just want to pay a reasonable price for a blow job. Again you can point out that 'a lot of people aren't like that.' Well, people who watch fox news vote. and all that is usually done under the guise of religion. God is not great. And i'm perfectly fine just living my life and then dying without having to worry about sky daddy or the boogey man under my bed.
Also 3 important things i should point out.
I'm not gay.
I don't use drugs any more.
I would never hire a prostitute.
But we as a people, and especially a government doesn't have the right to prohibit those things.
In summary: After writing all that terrible shit i still feel like it's going to be okay. Which means i'm either a hypocrite or just plain delusional. A lot of awful, terrible things have happened, but they've mostly all been my fault. I've done a lot of growing, and certainly, i've learned a lot. Right now i'm working a shitty job, but the important thing is i'm working, willing to work, and trying to make a better job happen. Also getting my license back is a big help. I now possess the power that any 16 year old possess. I really shouldn't write it like that because it makes me sound worse, but i'm going to leave it. I'm not to sure what these next few months hold but i am looking forward to next year. I'm finally coping with not being with laura any more; And i'm finally coping with what being a single parent entails. I love my kid, and i love my mom, and i love what friends i have left. So i haven't lost everything yet but god knows i'll try next year.