The week according to Martin...better late than never
Well it would appear that I have gotten a bit out of sync with my self and my posts. If has been over a week since I have posted anything real. A lot has happened this week, and most of it good(ish).
This past weekend was a very big party that I had planned on going to with Gypsy, but becuase of the break up I decided best that I not attend. I think this was the best choice I could have made. I spent the weekend dealing with myself and all of the hate I held for me. I took a very long look at myself and all of the events that led up to me breaking up with her. I realize that the blame for this does infact lay squarely on my shoulders and no where else, but not for the reason I was claiming. I was hating myself for not being strong enough, for not being able to hold the line, for breaking promises made to her at the begining. I found that what drove her to pull away from me is how I was dealing with damage in my primary relationship.
When Gypsy and I first got together, I found a level of attention and affection in her that had been missing from my life for a very long time. I basked in this. For a very long time my needs for this had not been getting meet by Mary. The more she would ignore me the harder I would push her and the more she would pull away from me. With Gypsy providing these things, I was able to ease off Mary and thing began to improve (a lot). Then after a few weeks and my relationship with Gypsy getting stronger, Mary paniced and pulled back from me in fear that I would leave her in favor of Gypsy, nothing could be further from the truth, but that is the nature of fear. At this time Gypsy was gearing up for her trip. This triggered a panic in me, Mary is ignoring me again and Gypsy is going away (I have had very bad luck with women leaving for vacations). I went to my default state and held tighter to Gypsy, to tight. I put a lot of pressure on her to be everything to me during that time a was moody when she fcould not mmeet my expectations.
Then Gypsy was gone on a plane. After a couple of days Mary seemed to come out of it and thing started improving again. I started feeling better, I got to talk to Gypsy while she was out in Cali and I was feeling much better about things. I was looking forward to Gypsy coming home and starting our lifes together as a family.
The reality was that when Gypsy was gone she found her wings, freed from the pressures I had piled on her and in a part of the country that is beautiful beyond compare her spirit took flight. When she came home there I was with all my demands and pressure. It was too much and she snapped. I have already detailed out the events of the past month and will not rehash them here.
So that brings us up to where I am at now. Gypsy and I have had a talk on line. I had been acting like a total git since I broke up with her. I have been in a rage at myself for hurting her, feeling like I was an asshole for breaking up. In truth she should have dumped me long before, for whatever reasons she did not. I love her even more for wanting to stay together during that time and trying to repair us. We are friends, and are going to work on building that relationship, something maybe that should have been done first.
Now the past week as also seen improvments in my relatioship with Mary, she was getting very worried about the depression and self hate I was living in. She has started treating her writting as a full time job and with luck will get published soon (cheesy romance but it is a start). We are going to be moving very soon, and this is going to be alot of stress so we shall see how it goes with that.
I want to thank everyone that offered support to me last week, I know I was a mess and did not want to listen. It did sink in and I am back on track thanks to you.
Today I like me, I am not happy with some of the things I have done. I will make mistakes and getting out of depression is not an over-night thing, but that is ok. Just for today I like me and what will come I will deal with when it gets here.
Peace, Love, and Jelly Dounuts
This past weekend was a very big party that I had planned on going to with Gypsy, but becuase of the break up I decided best that I not attend. I think this was the best choice I could have made. I spent the weekend dealing with myself and all of the hate I held for me. I took a very long look at myself and all of the events that led up to me breaking up with her. I realize that the blame for this does infact lay squarely on my shoulders and no where else, but not for the reason I was claiming. I was hating myself for not being strong enough, for not being able to hold the line, for breaking promises made to her at the begining. I found that what drove her to pull away from me is how I was dealing with damage in my primary relationship.
When Gypsy and I first got together, I found a level of attention and affection in her that had been missing from my life for a very long time. I basked in this. For a very long time my needs for this had not been getting meet by Mary. The more she would ignore me the harder I would push her and the more she would pull away from me. With Gypsy providing these things, I was able to ease off Mary and thing began to improve (a lot). Then after a few weeks and my relationship with Gypsy getting stronger, Mary paniced and pulled back from me in fear that I would leave her in favor of Gypsy, nothing could be further from the truth, but that is the nature of fear. At this time Gypsy was gearing up for her trip. This triggered a panic in me, Mary is ignoring me again and Gypsy is going away (I have had very bad luck with women leaving for vacations). I went to my default state and held tighter to Gypsy, to tight. I put a lot of pressure on her to be everything to me during that time a was moody when she fcould not mmeet my expectations.
Then Gypsy was gone on a plane. After a couple of days Mary seemed to come out of it and thing started improving again. I started feeling better, I got to talk to Gypsy while she was out in Cali and I was feeling much better about things. I was looking forward to Gypsy coming home and starting our lifes together as a family.
The reality was that when Gypsy was gone she found her wings, freed from the pressures I had piled on her and in a part of the country that is beautiful beyond compare her spirit took flight. When she came home there I was with all my demands and pressure. It was too much and she snapped. I have already detailed out the events of the past month and will not rehash them here.
So that brings us up to where I am at now. Gypsy and I have had a talk on line. I had been acting like a total git since I broke up with her. I have been in a rage at myself for hurting her, feeling like I was an asshole for breaking up. In truth she should have dumped me long before, for whatever reasons she did not. I love her even more for wanting to stay together during that time and trying to repair us. We are friends, and are going to work on building that relationship, something maybe that should have been done first.
Now the past week as also seen improvments in my relatioship with Mary, she was getting very worried about the depression and self hate I was living in. She has started treating her writting as a full time job and with luck will get published soon (cheesy romance but it is a start). We are going to be moving very soon, and this is going to be alot of stress so we shall see how it goes with that.
I want to thank everyone that offered support to me last week, I know I was a mess and did not want to listen. It did sink in and I am back on track thanks to you.
Today I like me, I am not happy with some of the things I have done. I will make mistakes and getting out of depression is not an over-night thing, but that is ok. Just for today I like me and what will come I will deal with when it gets here.
Peace, Love, and Jelly Dounuts