To quote Jack Sparrow
This week has been rather rough on me. I have had to relive a recurring real life nightmare. I have had my own flaws and weakness shown to me is stark contrast to the way I try to live. I have reached out for something to help apply focus to my mind, and fallen flat on my face. I have indirectly been called an immature, abusive, dangerous waste of human flesh by an ex. So I have been feeling needy and selfish. I have had to experience emotions that I am not use to. All in all it has been a good week.
Now that last line seems a little out of place here, since I do not really post about good things. None of these things seem to be really good unless you enjoy emo-trash. I for one do not. Now a few of you that have been in contact with me will say, " yeah right you whiny little bitch", and you will be 100% correct. I have been acting that way. Stick with me here for a bit and lets see if I can break this down, and see why it has been a good week in a rough way.
Item number one on my list, the recurring real life nightmare. This week I helped a woman that I love and am in a new relationship with pack up and fly to Cali to spend a week with people that are very much like myself and to do things that are very much what I would do. Now this is painful to me in the extreme. I have had too many times were a partner has gone on a vacation like this and either broken up with me when they get off the plane, or just do not bother to come back at all. Couple to that I have not been very secure in myself these past few months (the first one of you that says "why did you start a relationship in that condition" gets no cookies). To say the least I hated myself every second of everyday for the entire week leading up to this event. I was not comfortable with her going, but I had no power to stop it. I hated myself for even wanting to stop it, I love her and these are her friends and lifestyle (that we both share), and have been in her life longer than I have, I never set expectations that any of that should change. To the contrary, I have told her time and again that I do not want to hold her back.
This leads us to item number two, I am a hedonist, I am poly, I believe love shared is love increased. Now to fly in the face of that is "mine", and my lack of desire to let go of that which is "mine". I have acted like a three year old in a candy shop, being told I can have everything I want if I share with everyone. I have lost a lot of things and really want to hold on to things and not let them be. This is bad and not what I strive for in my life. I see myself doing these things and the hate just builds, which in turn makes me want to hold on that much tighter for fear of being rejected by those I love (not very sane is it).
Now we reach item number three in my little list (still here?). Being that on top of the afore mentioned traits I am also kinky. In that I believe that pain and pleasure can be the same thing. I also hold that pleasure can release the mind and pain can focus it. So I reached out to a Lady Domme that has been a good friend even if we do not always maintain the best of contact with each other. I contacted her, asking to be Domme'd. She readily agreed. We talked thru the week and had to reschedule a couple of times. Things seemed to get in the way a lot and I almost backed out. She had asked about things that were going on, trying to get a feel for why a devout Dom would be looking to submit (I have bottomed once and never submitted). I had taken to calling her Mistress (I am still doing so because it feels good). Anyway when the time had arrived for our scene, it did not happen. Instead it was to old friends that had not seen each other in far to long reconnecting. This should have been by me as a very good thing, since I have so very close friends. Instead, my fucked up head mis-read things and I left there with a deep sense of rejection. I felt I was not good enough to be lover or sub.
Last and certainly least, the random post made by an ex that pointed to me without pointing to me. Yes I do read some of the same people as she does on the journal section of a dating site. Yes she has said some things there that I find to be total ass-hatery (no it is not a word, but this is my LJ...deal with it). Yes I have made comments in response. Hell she even posts some thing that still have me laughing my ass off in a good way. The point is she has stated clearly that she thinks I was a waste of her time and that by knowing me she is in some way damaged.
Now by the end of this week I was ready to just crawl into a hole and pull it in on me. I was ready for what ever hell the Fates have in store for me, just let it be done and over with. So if you are still reading this, then you are asking yourself...WHY?. In all seriousness how is this a good week?
Well last night I spent a long time with Mary, granted playing WOW. I have found that since she has been playing we do spend more time "together" instead of just spending time in the same room. This was still very good time together. we did talk while farming and questing and I for the first time in too long I felt loved. This was something that I had talked to Mistress about. I have only been feeling in echo, feelings that were hollow, bounced of something else. Kinda hard to describe, but everything I have been feeling has because it is how I think i should feel. Nothing felt really and whole. To say the least it was very comforting to have this connection with Mary again. This morning I was talking to Mistress and discussing the event and my feelings of rejection. Mistress pointed out a few things, that while they hurt do help to put things into perspective.
So where I am now leads me to think of it as a good week...it all boils down to what a man can do and what a man can not do. I can sit her and wallow in misery, think that I am alone and being abandoned. I can let myself be consumed with hate and anger for myself and make sure that all the things I fear come to pass. With this I can not expect to be healthy again, I can not expect to be loved by anyone. Or I can accept that those who have chosen to be with me do in fact love me. I can relish every moment I have with them as special for its own sake. I can enjoy the freedom that I hole dear and enjoy the energy I share with those that do not have to worry about how I will react when the enjoy their own life. I can be healthy. I can be happy.
So in short I am not well, but I know I am not well and with that I can work on it.
Mary, Gypsy, I love you both very much.
Mistress, I will get over my lusts and look forward to feeling you gentle touches.
To those that think I am a danger in one way or another, bugger off.
Lastly to the monkeys in my head...it is hunting season.
Peace, Love, and Jelly Donuts.
Now that last line seems a little out of place here, since I do not really post about good things. None of these things seem to be really good unless you enjoy emo-trash. I for one do not. Now a few of you that have been in contact with me will say, " yeah right you whiny little bitch", and you will be 100% correct. I have been acting that way. Stick with me here for a bit and lets see if I can break this down, and see why it has been a good week in a rough way.
Item number one on my list, the recurring real life nightmare. This week I helped a woman that I love and am in a new relationship with pack up and fly to Cali to spend a week with people that are very much like myself and to do things that are very much what I would do. Now this is painful to me in the extreme. I have had too many times were a partner has gone on a vacation like this and either broken up with me when they get off the plane, or just do not bother to come back at all. Couple to that I have not been very secure in myself these past few months (the first one of you that says "why did you start a relationship in that condition" gets no cookies). To say the least I hated myself every second of everyday for the entire week leading up to this event. I was not comfortable with her going, but I had no power to stop it. I hated myself for even wanting to stop it, I love her and these are her friends and lifestyle (that we both share), and have been in her life longer than I have, I never set expectations that any of that should change. To the contrary, I have told her time and again that I do not want to hold her back.
This leads us to item number two, I am a hedonist, I am poly, I believe love shared is love increased. Now to fly in the face of that is "mine", and my lack of desire to let go of that which is "mine". I have acted like a three year old in a candy shop, being told I can have everything I want if I share with everyone. I have lost a lot of things and really want to hold on to things and not let them be. This is bad and not what I strive for in my life. I see myself doing these things and the hate just builds, which in turn makes me want to hold on that much tighter for fear of being rejected by those I love (not very sane is it).
Now we reach item number three in my little list (still here?). Being that on top of the afore mentioned traits I am also kinky. In that I believe that pain and pleasure can be the same thing. I also hold that pleasure can release the mind and pain can focus it. So I reached out to a Lady Domme that has been a good friend even if we do not always maintain the best of contact with each other. I contacted her, asking to be Domme'd. She readily agreed. We talked thru the week and had to reschedule a couple of times. Things seemed to get in the way a lot and I almost backed out. She had asked about things that were going on, trying to get a feel for why a devout Dom would be looking to submit (I have bottomed once and never submitted). I had taken to calling her Mistress (I am still doing so because it feels good). Anyway when the time had arrived for our scene, it did not happen. Instead it was to old friends that had not seen each other in far to long reconnecting. This should have been by me as a very good thing, since I have so very close friends. Instead, my fucked up head mis-read things and I left there with a deep sense of rejection. I felt I was not good enough to be lover or sub.
Last and certainly least, the random post made by an ex that pointed to me without pointing to me. Yes I do read some of the same people as she does on the journal section of a dating site. Yes she has said some things there that I find to be total ass-hatery (no it is not a word, but this is my LJ...deal with it). Yes I have made comments in response. Hell she even posts some thing that still have me laughing my ass off in a good way. The point is she has stated clearly that she thinks I was a waste of her time and that by knowing me she is in some way damaged.
Now by the end of this week I was ready to just crawl into a hole and pull it in on me. I was ready for what ever hell the Fates have in store for me, just let it be done and over with. So if you are still reading this, then you are asking yourself...WHY?. In all seriousness how is this a good week?
Well last night I spent a long time with Mary, granted playing WOW. I have found that since she has been playing we do spend more time "together" instead of just spending time in the same room. This was still very good time together. we did talk while farming and questing and I for the first time in too long I felt loved. This was something that I had talked to Mistress about. I have only been feeling in echo, feelings that were hollow, bounced of something else. Kinda hard to describe, but everything I have been feeling has because it is how I think i should feel. Nothing felt really and whole. To say the least it was very comforting to have this connection with Mary again. This morning I was talking to Mistress and discussing the event and my feelings of rejection. Mistress pointed out a few things, that while they hurt do help to put things into perspective.
So where I am now leads me to think of it as a good week...it all boils down to what a man can do and what a man can not do. I can sit her and wallow in misery, think that I am alone and being abandoned. I can let myself be consumed with hate and anger for myself and make sure that all the things I fear come to pass. With this I can not expect to be healthy again, I can not expect to be loved by anyone. Or I can accept that those who have chosen to be with me do in fact love me. I can relish every moment I have with them as special for its own sake. I can enjoy the freedom that I hole dear and enjoy the energy I share with those that do not have to worry about how I will react when the enjoy their own life. I can be healthy. I can be happy.
So in short I am not well, but I know I am not well and with that I can work on it.
Mary, Gypsy, I love you both very much.
Mistress, I will get over my lusts and look forward to feeling you gentle touches.
To those that think I am a danger in one way or another, bugger off.
Lastly to the monkeys in my head...it is hunting season.
Peace, Love, and Jelly Donuts.