Once more unto the breach...
I can't say that I felt one particular way at any given moment as the motorbike slipped its way through the relatively quiet streets of Sunnydale as I set out to find Faith. Better to say that I was feeling random combinations of emotions. I was dubious and hopeful at the same time, wary, nervous and anxious about confronting this person who at
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He just keeps pushin' it and pushing it. What the hell is he? My shrink? If he had any sense in him he would know I wouldn't want to talk about these.. touchie matters. I sighed, pushing my gaze away from him as my body turned to follow. I could feel every muscle in me tense and a knot being tied in my throat.. I didn't want to deal with this shit. I didn't want to talk about it.
I kept silent for the time being.
"Your particular state of mind at this moment aside... Faith, I need to know where you stand. On most subjects, good enough for Angel is more than good enough for me. But there are some things one finds difficult to forget, and even more difficult to forgive."
That's it. That was enough. I turned myself back around with my teeth clenching tightly together. "What the hell do you want me to say, Wes? What the hell do you want me to DO?" My fustration was growing.. and it showed by the expression upon my face. I hate being in this position.. where I'm close to begging like some dog. "I'm.. fuckin' trying here. I turned myself into the slammer -- do you not remember that? I KNOW that sorry isn't good enough for you OR B.. because it's not like I can go an' say 'Gee, I'm sorry Wes, sorry that I nearly tortured you to DEATH'!"
I wanted to punch something. Hard. I wanted to just turn and walk away.. but I'm not gonna cower. Not this time. Why won't they just let it die? I wanted them to let it go.. but I knew things won't be easy. They never are.
"Who's side are you on, Faith?"
I narrowed my eyes. "Take a guess, Wes," I nearly growled, "because if I wasn't on yours you sure as hell wouldn't be alive right now."
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What in the bloody hell was I doing? Why did I give a damn about this girl's redemption, anyway? But I knew the answer to that. I still felt responsible for her. The Council charged me with being her Watcher, and she fell. If Faith had simply died in the line of duty as a Slayer, everything would have been just as they had always been. But she didn't. The power that made her a Slayer corrupted her into something terrible. And I had watched it happen, a ponce in a suit.
I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I took a step back.
"This isn't going to be easy on you, Faith, and let's face it-- it shouldn't be. I've watched Angel walk this path for the last few years, and if you think you've got it hard, you're not a former mass-murdering lunatic. People don't take Angel's desire for redemption at face value-- he's constantly earning it, and that's what you'll have to do."
A part of me thought briefly of putting a hand on her shoulder, or making some other caring gesture, but I thought the better of it.
"We know you're trying, Faith. And that's the point. And even as terrible as it sounds, it might even help you to actually talk to someone from time to time."
So what was I doing? I'd failed this girl once. And I was damned if I wasn't going to try to set it right. I rolled the motorbike away from the wall and swung my leg over it.
"I'm headed for Caritas to see if tonight's new arrival has come through the portal. Are you coming?"
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"This isn't going to be easy on you, Faith, and let's face it-- it shouldn't be. I've watched Angel walk this path for the last few years, and if you think you've got it hard, you're not a former mass-murdering lunatic. People don't take Angel's desire for redemption at face value-- he's constantly earning it, and that's what you'll have to do."
I was still fired up. "I know the speech," I snapped, "I heard it ten billion times from Angel's mouth an' I don't need another replay." Difference is.. Angel never had a soul then. I still had mine.. and I felt nothing. I had no care for that man in the alley.
I took in a deep breath to calm myself down, closing my eyes. Calm down, Faith.. before you just snap.
"We know you're trying, Faith. And that's the point. And even as terrible as it sounds, it might even help you to actually talk to someone from time to time."
That brought me to open my eyes and I only gave Wesley an odd look. Talk to someone? Whatever. If I talked to someone about half the crap going through my head they would think I was some kind of psycho.. only Angel so far was able to understand what went on inside me when I didn't. "Maybe." So I lied. So what?
"I'm headed for Caritas to see if tonight's new arrival has come through the portal. Are you coming?"
"I think I'll pass," I answered, taking a few steps away, "you'll probably run into B anyway so you really don't need me right now. Here." I took out a torn piece of paper and a dull pen.. struggling to write my number against the palm of my hand. "Call me when you do. An' Wes.. try not to die."
I turned myself around and walked toward the seperate direction -- if he does die I know everyone will blame me.. but I couldn't deal with this wicked tension that I knew him and I had.
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