(no subject)
i realized that i've been an idiot for a good part of my life and it's time for me to start making some real decisions. i think i'm going to pursue fashion with a blind tenacity from now on. i'm scared of concentrating on something that is so specific, but there really is no other way to go about it. i can't study fine arts and hope to become fashion's next big artisic director. and i know everyone thinks i'm fucking crazy because it's a waste of my preparation and growth as a writer, but i feel i'm at a crossroads. i've always identified my niche as something of an artist's and i'm shocked to see that i've wasted the last couple of years convincing myself otherwise. it's going to be hard and scary because i feel alone in this and support in the arts isn't easy when you come from an immigrant korean, middle class family. yet when my mother began to cry bitterly over her dinner as she admit to the frustration of dropping her artistic pursuits for the sake of making money, especially when her sister-in-law followed the beaten doctor path towards a brand new, "guess who's retiring early?" house, it didn't put a dent in my vague plans. the truth is i'm not at all like my mother and even though i cried with her, i found it hard to sympathize. i'm idealistic and stupid as fuck so i'm going to keep thinking that i'll end up with loads of cash whiling pursuing what i love in its purest, most uncompromised form. sorry, mom.