The Fallout
I think I've always known that the day was coming when I would wake up on a Monday afternoon with a brutal hangover and no plans other than to go out and get high later and I would suddenly see my own life objectively from an outsiders perspective. And I knew that once that moment came that all the myriad mistakes of my gap year and beyond would come at once through the flood gates and I would want to just go back to bed and stay there for the immediate future. And guess what, today is that day. The irony is that this fallout comes after a brilliant night at Marcos which very possibly bettered last years explosion of debauchery. I think the problem began when I got home and drunkenly began comparing the two. I came to a very simple explanation as to exactly why I had this feeling of being somehow cheated, even though I'd clearly had just as much fun. It was the absense of hope. Last year at Marcos was the begining of the summer, which was the begining of what was supposed to be the best year of our lives, I was filled with a sense of excitement and possibilities, life seemed fresh and free.
Now the year has come and gone. I drank and drugged, I sat apathetically on MSN or worked in that godforsaken place for no real end, saved no money, planned nothing concrete, neglected what should have been important and dwelled on my fantasies. I fucked up Interrailing because I didnt think about it enough until it was a week away. I've just sort of fallen into a university course because it was the easiest option and I have friends doing the same thing, so I dont have to move totally outside of my comfort zone.
The worst one of course is Sian. I hurt an already damaged person that I originally just wanted to take care of, because I became bitter and sick of having to take care of her, of having to do things other than exactly what I wanted to do, exactly when I wanted to do them. I felt like I was in a constant state of compromise when in all actuality I was doing no such thing. I failed completely, and then when I could bare it no longer I did a classic Matt Wilson and refused to even acknowledge my failure, to show her the respect and care that she deserved and have the basic common decency to tell the truth. Instead I took some trite little thing she did, blew it totally out of proportion and then refused to speak to her. The truly pathetic thing is that at the time I even had myself convinced that my reasons were just and that they were the same reasons I was giving her, an argument over her phone being off. I lied to myself more effectively than I did to her, because she is an intelligent girl, she knew better than I did what I was doing and why I was doing it. I couldnt even show her the respect of answering my phone to her and explaining myself. Now its two months later, and it seems like a lifetime ago. The best new friendship I had forged in about two years is just a memory. Given the amount I smoke it wont even be that in a years time, and it is totally and singularly my fault. All this has taught me is that I'm a danger to myself and other people, I cant be trusted emotionally. I'm not even going to go into my current crush, because getting emotionally invested in anything when you're Matt Wilson is just terrible logic.
So all in all, that was my gap year. Denial, minimum wage, lots of cannabis, vomit, Wizzle, and another few steps forward on the gentle slope of decline and self destruction that I've had planned out for myself for about two years now. Plus a fuck load of whining and whinging. Oh, and as a symbolic closing annecdote, how about this; I took my blue bracelet off for the first time in pretty much a year on Tuesday. It felt nice, like my arm was lighter. Then I put it back on again.
Now the year has come and gone. I drank and drugged, I sat apathetically on MSN or worked in that godforsaken place for no real end, saved no money, planned nothing concrete, neglected what should have been important and dwelled on my fantasies. I fucked up Interrailing because I didnt think about it enough until it was a week away. I've just sort of fallen into a university course because it was the easiest option and I have friends doing the same thing, so I dont have to move totally outside of my comfort zone.
The worst one of course is Sian. I hurt an already damaged person that I originally just wanted to take care of, because I became bitter and sick of having to take care of her, of having to do things other than exactly what I wanted to do, exactly when I wanted to do them. I felt like I was in a constant state of compromise when in all actuality I was doing no such thing. I failed completely, and then when I could bare it no longer I did a classic Matt Wilson and refused to even acknowledge my failure, to show her the respect and care that she deserved and have the basic common decency to tell the truth. Instead I took some trite little thing she did, blew it totally out of proportion and then refused to speak to her. The truly pathetic thing is that at the time I even had myself convinced that my reasons were just and that they were the same reasons I was giving her, an argument over her phone being off. I lied to myself more effectively than I did to her, because she is an intelligent girl, she knew better than I did what I was doing and why I was doing it. I couldnt even show her the respect of answering my phone to her and explaining myself. Now its two months later, and it seems like a lifetime ago. The best new friendship I had forged in about two years is just a memory. Given the amount I smoke it wont even be that in a years time, and it is totally and singularly my fault. All this has taught me is that I'm a danger to myself and other people, I cant be trusted emotionally. I'm not even going to go into my current crush, because getting emotionally invested in anything when you're Matt Wilson is just terrible logic.
So all in all, that was my gap year. Denial, minimum wage, lots of cannabis, vomit, Wizzle, and another few steps forward on the gentle slope of decline and self destruction that I've had planned out for myself for about two years now. Plus a fuck load of whining and whinging. Oh, and as a symbolic closing annecdote, how about this; I took my blue bracelet off for the first time in pretty much a year on Tuesday. It felt nice, like my arm was lighter. Then I put it back on again.