bitch bitch bitch
so, my birthday is coming up soon. i'll be 21 which means i'm like "really" an adult. The only next thing to look forward to is when i turn 25 and my car insurance goes down.
its really just that lately my life has just been kinda sucking...a lot. i don't know if its because of my general pessimistic nature or just life is crapping on me. probably a little of both. Its just like, i wanted to be somewhere different than where i am right now by this time. I wanted to look different, have a different job, have something accomplished, have more money, have...more done with my life. I guess i was just expecting to everything to be falling into place right about now which it isn't.
everything in the above paragraph can really just be chocked up to my own laziness and procrastination. its my fault that i don't have what i want right now. but what is bothing me the most right now are things out of my control. everything is changing with the people closest to me. kyle moved down to campus, geoff back in with his parents, stephanie is going to china, and now brittany might be going back to vermont. i've always had a fear of abandonment but nothing as bad as this shit.
also, i'm getting criticised more and more for being myself. which i can't or refuse to help. i mean, everybody knows i'm a bitch. but did you ever stop to wonder why? its because if i'm not a bitch, i get taken advantage of. its true. I try to be helpful to people most of the time but i've got some people, certain people, who take WAY more than they give back. And it used to happen to me lots more than it does now. that's because i'm a bigger bitch now than i've ever been and THAT's because i was tired of getting walked all the fuck over. And it used to happen ALL the time, at school, at work, in my personal life, and in my relationships with men. Being a "bitch" or "mean" is MY way of protecting myself from getting used. And nobody gets it. and it STILL happens reguardless. i'm just sick of people just taking taking taking.
and my dad is an asshole. i don't want to live with him anymore.
its just. things arn't going well right now and i don't think anyone cares.
xoxo
kayley
its really just that lately my life has just been kinda sucking...a lot. i don't know if its because of my general pessimistic nature or just life is crapping on me. probably a little of both. Its just like, i wanted to be somewhere different than where i am right now by this time. I wanted to look different, have a different job, have something accomplished, have more money, have...more done with my life. I guess i was just expecting to everything to be falling into place right about now which it isn't.
everything in the above paragraph can really just be chocked up to my own laziness and procrastination. its my fault that i don't have what i want right now. but what is bothing me the most right now are things out of my control. everything is changing with the people closest to me. kyle moved down to campus, geoff back in with his parents, stephanie is going to china, and now brittany might be going back to vermont. i've always had a fear of abandonment but nothing as bad as this shit.
also, i'm getting criticised more and more for being myself. which i can't or refuse to help. i mean, everybody knows i'm a bitch. but did you ever stop to wonder why? its because if i'm not a bitch, i get taken advantage of. its true. I try to be helpful to people most of the time but i've got some people, certain people, who take WAY more than they give back. And it used to happen to me lots more than it does now. that's because i'm a bigger bitch now than i've ever been and THAT's because i was tired of getting walked all the fuck over. And it used to happen ALL the time, at school, at work, in my personal life, and in my relationships with men. Being a "bitch" or "mean" is MY way of protecting myself from getting used. And nobody gets it. and it STILL happens reguardless. i'm just sick of people just taking taking taking.
and my dad is an asshole. i don't want to live with him anymore.
its just. things arn't going well right now and i don't think anyone cares.
xoxo
kayley