So basically, am I crazy?
I hate women. I really do. Because men and women will never understand each other, and if they ever do, the universe will implode. I just spent the past two hours trying to untangle the shoestring-jumble of a conversation that one female put into the head of another female, regarding myslef and the later female's relationship. I'll note that the former female's relationship advice might notbe the best to follow, as she pretty much cheated on her last boyfriend at every turn.
It was painful. But nevertheless, I pulled out my Female Translator, and was able to come to a few possible conclusions:
I hate the idea of marriage. I don't want kids. If it were up to me, I would have to deal with neither. I've always been this way for what reason I cannot tell. To think that I'm the one individual in my crazy f'd up family thatwould somehow have anything sane and respectable is laughable. Whatever. If it happens, it happens. I simply don't believe that I have to live my life thinking that I need someone else to complete my existence. Because frankly, I don't.She doesn't see a need to dating if I feel this way, because if not, then all the to-do and lovey-doviness is all just a buildup for a big, painful break-up. I explained that by her rationale, the only end to a relationship then was a big, awful hate-fest, or marriage. I can't understand why she can't see neutral ground in everything. I just don't know.
I proposed: why not just live in the moment? Why not accept the fact that, here and now,we can be happy? Why do we always have to be in a damn chess game, planning our life strategy to a tee? Why not accept the fact that things will happen, things out of our control, and that regardless of the outcome, it's life. Every heartache, every loss, every triumph and every moment of pure bliss...they're all just part of the bigger story that is an existance. Even if, a year from now, we were to have a terrible fight and break up forever, I'd think that I'd at least be greatful for the good time that we did have at least. "Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
She thinks that its childish to think that way, that I need to grow up. I don't know? Is that childish?
I explained that we've both lived different lives to bring us to where we are know, and "normalcy" is all relative. We've grown from different experiences, and it should be expected that we'd be very different. It doesn't mean that her lifestyle is any more legitimate. She grew up with a mother, a father, a sister and a brother. She had a nice home. She had a stable income. She had stability. She had friends and hobbies and...the list goes on. I was pretty much the opposite. But I am who I am. Im not going to change that, or apologize for anything. I'm well aware that Im cynical. I'm callous. Im a skeptic. Whatever. That's me. Take it or leave it.
I don't know. I just wanted to write something here. There was plenty more, but I don't know that I have the energy to do so. As we left it, we're cool again, but we're not gonna say "I love you" anymore. As if it really meant anything anyway. Atleast not to her. I can say in honesty that this is the first time I've felt a twinge of anything for anyone. I guess that's pretty important. But everytime we get into one of those things, or we have to overanalyze everything, it just all goes away. Im not really happy. I don't know how I could be, either. Im just kind of aimless. I feel that I...and she...just belong somewhere else. A different sit-down every month just isn't gonna work.
She did say though that, for her, it's come to the point that she'd be really hurt if we broke up. Well fuck...that'd why I didn't want to jump into a relationship in the first place. Ughhh. I just don't know. I'm really not having fun. I mean- sometimes I do. But other times...I just don't know. It kills me. We'll see. I think it's getting to the point though that I'm just beating a rotting horse. We can talk this in circles, but it aint gonna do a damn thing.
It was painful. But nevertheless, I pulled out my Female Translator, and was able to come to a few possible conclusions:
I hate the idea of marriage. I don't want kids. If it were up to me, I would have to deal with neither. I've always been this way for what reason I cannot tell. To think that I'm the one individual in my crazy f'd up family thatwould somehow have anything sane and respectable is laughable. Whatever. If it happens, it happens. I simply don't believe that I have to live my life thinking that I need someone else to complete my existence. Because frankly, I don't.She doesn't see a need to dating if I feel this way, because if not, then all the to-do and lovey-doviness is all just a buildup for a big, painful break-up. I explained that by her rationale, the only end to a relationship then was a big, awful hate-fest, or marriage. I can't understand why she can't see neutral ground in everything. I just don't know.
I proposed: why not just live in the moment? Why not accept the fact that, here and now,we can be happy? Why do we always have to be in a damn chess game, planning our life strategy to a tee? Why not accept the fact that things will happen, things out of our control, and that regardless of the outcome, it's life. Every heartache, every loss, every triumph and every moment of pure bliss...they're all just part of the bigger story that is an existance. Even if, a year from now, we were to have a terrible fight and break up forever, I'd think that I'd at least be greatful for the good time that we did have at least. "Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
She thinks that its childish to think that way, that I need to grow up. I don't know? Is that childish?
I explained that we've both lived different lives to bring us to where we are know, and "normalcy" is all relative. We've grown from different experiences, and it should be expected that we'd be very different. It doesn't mean that her lifestyle is any more legitimate. She grew up with a mother, a father, a sister and a brother. She had a nice home. She had a stable income. She had stability. She had friends and hobbies and...the list goes on. I was pretty much the opposite. But I am who I am. Im not going to change that, or apologize for anything. I'm well aware that Im cynical. I'm callous. Im a skeptic. Whatever. That's me. Take it or leave it.
I don't know. I just wanted to write something here. There was plenty more, but I don't know that I have the energy to do so. As we left it, we're cool again, but we're not gonna say "I love you" anymore. As if it really meant anything anyway. Atleast not to her. I can say in honesty that this is the first time I've felt a twinge of anything for anyone. I guess that's pretty important. But everytime we get into one of those things, or we have to overanalyze everything, it just all goes away. Im not really happy. I don't know how I could be, either. Im just kind of aimless. I feel that I...and she...just belong somewhere else. A different sit-down every month just isn't gonna work.
She did say though that, for her, it's come to the point that she'd be really hurt if we broke up. Well fuck...that'd why I didn't want to jump into a relationship in the first place. Ughhh. I just don't know. I'm really not having fun. I mean- sometimes I do. But other times...I just don't know. It kills me. We'll see. I think it's getting to the point though that I'm just beating a rotting horse. We can talk this in circles, but it aint gonna do a damn thing.