(no subject)
god damn it. sometimes life is hard. it can be very difficult to accept things about yourself that others see so clearly. many many times i see myself as a failure. i did not live up to my parents expectations, i am not a high priced lawyer or a college professor. i work a very shitty job, making 8 bucks an hour. i pierce people, which i have done for the last 13 years, but, honestly, i have not capitalized on that. i barely squeek by. i live for the day, not for the future.
i make real connections with people. i don't look to the future. i see what is in front of me everyday. every day i grow older (don't we all?) and i try not to look too far ahead. perhaps i am a pessimist. the futility of life is so apparent to me, why don't others see the world in the same way that i do?
i revel in my emotions. i am up and down. depression and loneliness have been integral parts of my life for as long as i can remember. who is depressed when they are ten years old? me. why does the world treat emotion and feeling as something that is wrong? sometimes i get so down on myself that i can barely function. i wonder if i will make it through the day. i have thought of killing myself so many times, i couldn't even begin to count. then someone tells you that you have made some kind of impression on them, it brings you back to reality.
fuck man!!! why is life so fucking hard?
the thing that troubles me the most, i seem to be subject to the whims of others. apparently i need some kind of approval from the people that mean the most to me. i know i will never make my parents happy. instead of becoming some commercially successful sap, i have forged my own path in life. but where has this path taken me?!? into the depths of despair. i know that there is a basic goodness to me that can not be over-ridden by the negative emotions that rear their ugly heads. i need to please people to feel satisfied in my life, yet my path always follows the road less traveled. (fuck you carl sandburg!).
am i even making sense? sometimes i wonder if i am living a life of delusion.
i don't fucking know anymore. i am pushing 40, according to the bible my life is more than half over. what have i accomplished in my life? i know that i have touched many people, have had some kind of positive influence. yet i cannot accept this!!! i am always thinking the worst of myself. i cannot accept the fact that i am a good person, that i have qualities that other people respect and admire. i look at the morass that is humanity and i am fucking disgusted!!!
i can't even reveal these feelings to others without being totally self-deprecating. i am paying for the sins of my fathers (and that includes the mothers). guilt was something driven into my skull with a fucking jackhammer by the catholic church, by my parents, by my relatives. my grandmother and my aunt candy were the only people in my life who ever accepted me for the person that i was. i wish my grandma had lived longer (although she had a very full life.). i wish i could talk to her now, she would love me and accept me for who i am. she loved me unconditionally. i miss her so much.
i have tried to find happiness in my life. it is a fucking struggle. we all have needs and desires, we all want to be loved for who we are. even when we find people who can appreciate us, that is never enough. once you have achieved a certain level of consciousness, you cannot go back. the weight of life bears down upon your shoulders, just as atlas had to suffer, so must those who can think and feel for themselves.
will i ever find happiness? i hope so, but who knows? life could end in a heartbeat, tragedy is a part of being human. we strive for connections, we hope to find others that we can relate to on many different levels. sometimes i think i am so superficial and cheap (biology coming to the fore.) and other times i think i am way too fucking deep to be able to relate to another human. but in these connections we find our humanity. we learn that we are not alone, no matter how heavy the weight of the world seems to be.
fuck.
why does it have to be so hard? i curse god or the devil, or life or whatever the fuck gave me the ability to think and feel and love and hate!!!!!! sometimes it is all toooo fucking much to deal with. i drown my sorrows, or smoke them away, or snort them away, i find legal drugs that i make fit my illegal purposes. consciousness is a curse and a blessing simultaneously.
once again i have let down my inhibitions and spewed out my guts on this electronic medium. i need the distance and safety of the anonymousness (if that is even a word) of this electronic medium to really express my feelings to others. life is so fucking hard when you have a fully functional brain. why? why? why?
i make real connections with people. i don't look to the future. i see what is in front of me everyday. every day i grow older (don't we all?) and i try not to look too far ahead. perhaps i am a pessimist. the futility of life is so apparent to me, why don't others see the world in the same way that i do?
i revel in my emotions. i am up and down. depression and loneliness have been integral parts of my life for as long as i can remember. who is depressed when they are ten years old? me. why does the world treat emotion and feeling as something that is wrong? sometimes i get so down on myself that i can barely function. i wonder if i will make it through the day. i have thought of killing myself so many times, i couldn't even begin to count. then someone tells you that you have made some kind of impression on them, it brings you back to reality.
fuck man!!! why is life so fucking hard?
the thing that troubles me the most, i seem to be subject to the whims of others. apparently i need some kind of approval from the people that mean the most to me. i know i will never make my parents happy. instead of becoming some commercially successful sap, i have forged my own path in life. but where has this path taken me?!? into the depths of despair. i know that there is a basic goodness to me that can not be over-ridden by the negative emotions that rear their ugly heads. i need to please people to feel satisfied in my life, yet my path always follows the road less traveled. (fuck you carl sandburg!).
am i even making sense? sometimes i wonder if i am living a life of delusion.
i don't fucking know anymore. i am pushing 40, according to the bible my life is more than half over. what have i accomplished in my life? i know that i have touched many people, have had some kind of positive influence. yet i cannot accept this!!! i am always thinking the worst of myself. i cannot accept the fact that i am a good person, that i have qualities that other people respect and admire. i look at the morass that is humanity and i am fucking disgusted!!!
i can't even reveal these feelings to others without being totally self-deprecating. i am paying for the sins of my fathers (and that includes the mothers). guilt was something driven into my skull with a fucking jackhammer by the catholic church, by my parents, by my relatives. my grandmother and my aunt candy were the only people in my life who ever accepted me for the person that i was. i wish my grandma had lived longer (although she had a very full life.). i wish i could talk to her now, she would love me and accept me for who i am. she loved me unconditionally. i miss her so much.
i have tried to find happiness in my life. it is a fucking struggle. we all have needs and desires, we all want to be loved for who we are. even when we find people who can appreciate us, that is never enough. once you have achieved a certain level of consciousness, you cannot go back. the weight of life bears down upon your shoulders, just as atlas had to suffer, so must those who can think and feel for themselves.
will i ever find happiness? i hope so, but who knows? life could end in a heartbeat, tragedy is a part of being human. we strive for connections, we hope to find others that we can relate to on many different levels. sometimes i think i am so superficial and cheap (biology coming to the fore.) and other times i think i am way too fucking deep to be able to relate to another human. but in these connections we find our humanity. we learn that we are not alone, no matter how heavy the weight of the world seems to be.
fuck.
why does it have to be so hard? i curse god or the devil, or life or whatever the fuck gave me the ability to think and feel and love and hate!!!!!! sometimes it is all toooo fucking much to deal with. i drown my sorrows, or smoke them away, or snort them away, i find legal drugs that i make fit my illegal purposes. consciousness is a curse and a blessing simultaneously.
once again i have let down my inhibitions and spewed out my guts on this electronic medium. i need the distance and safety of the anonymousness (if that is even a word) of this electronic medium to really express my feelings to others. life is so fucking hard when you have a fully functional brain. why? why? why?