Help I'm Alive

[big_pink_hearts]

I dont really even know how I get myself into these really odd, perplexing, too-complicated-to-figure-out situations. I have been a mess and I dont like it. I have had the best, most fun-filled year of my life, and coming back to my home and old surroundings has freaked me out. I hate that. Its just like in Garden State, how coming home can lose its feeling. Most things are still the same, remaining completely untouched, but yet I feel I have changed so greatly that I cant cram my new life into my old one. This is so terribly sad. I can't stand being alone and I want to be busy constantly so that I can sort things out. I love my new job and I think it's a really fortunate thing that I have something new to start on while I'm here. I literally feel heartbroken and I am scared and I am upset with myself that I even let things get to this point. This is impossible to do so why can't I just accept that I need to give it up? Am I stupid? Why do I feel this way? I dont want to move on. I just dont.

This may or may not be the most depressing LJ entry ever. So funny that I'm even writing this here, because before tonight, I kind of didnt realize how LJ keeps the lot of us in touch with whats going on with each other. Though, If you can read this and understand what I'm saying, then you know whats going by my telling you anyways.

I don't really want to feel any of this, I just have faith that it will get better.