fritz is the only one who understands me
maybe i don't know what my problem is. i think i'm just really extremely good at wearing masks. not letting anyone know how i feel. don't let anyone in and you won't get hurt, right? wasn't that Matt Damon's problem in Good Will Hunting? i loved that movie by the way...i saw it for the first time with my ex-best friend john beane, right before i started dating my first girlfriend. and you know what? i pulled the same thing Mr. Damon's character pulled with Minnie Driver. and john was like "you're being just like the guy from the movie, and see how that turned out?".
well i guess you can call me living proof that life is shitty compared to real life...cause i let her in, and i got burned. i got burned bad. three years with her, and she cheats on me. hilary said i need to figure out what i'm doing wrong in these relationships, whether it's in the way i look for girls, something i do while we're dating that drives them to cheat on me(maybe i'm too NICE for them??!?!??!?!?!?? wtf?), or whatever the fuck else it might be.
dating is shit. girls are evil, i've decided that. with a few, and i mean a few(like ten or fifteen...maybe twenty at the most) exceptions. i think i'm turning into an emo kid, without the whiny music and self-inflicted wounds and shit like that.
what the hell is the deal? i always hear "Oh you're such a sweet guy", "Any girl would be lucky to have you","You'll find your (insert name of best friend's girlfriend) someday","You'll learn from your mistakes and it'll be that much better for what you've gone through before it". those lines are like beating a dead as-a-fucking-doornail horse. it's f-ing true though. both my exes, i treated them like gold. did everything i could for them. what did i get for that? heartache. what's the fucking point? it's never going to end it seems. i know i'll hear "oh yes it will, you'll find it someday"...well i'm an impatient bastard and i'm sick of getting hurt while i wait for that supposed "someone" to come walking into my life.
love is a joke. valentines day makes me want to vomit. hearts make my insides boil. maybe it's jealousy. well, it is jealousy. i see all my friends in their relationships, and that's all i want...and it's the one thing i can't seem to get the fucking deal on. you know? i'm not even wanting a serious relationship all that soon either...i just wish i could find someone who i could spend time with, get to know better, maybe foster a relationship with in time...someone that isn't a cheating hoe-bag, and who is single, and doesn't break up with me for bullshit reasons, all the while cheating on me with my friend.
this is a long entry. i guess it's been awhile since i vented about this. actually it's the first time i vented about this. i've already gone through three songs on my iTunes playlist. right now it's "Breakaway" by Ms. Clarkson.
i think my problem is i'm too ADHD for most girls. they want some badass dude with ripped muscles and an IQ smaller than their shoe size. i don't think i'm ugly, so i don't think i'm physically unattractive. but maybe i am and everyone is just too nice to tell me. what irritates me is that i can't change the way i act. when i like a girl, i really like them. i think sometimes i used to come on too strong, but that's changed now. but now i think it's just that i'm not interesting enough to keep their attention. i want someone i can spend the day with at the river, and then just sit around and watch TV with for a few hours, then curl up in bed with them and fall asleep. that right there is my problem. i'm too damn fucking serious about shit. that's the behavior of a serious relationship or a marriage even. life needs to install a fast-forward button that i can utilize whenever i see fit.
blaaeorioeiiyooeog.....that was a scream. an internet scream. why am i attracted to drama? and why are the only ones who aren't drama not attracted to me? i'm damned either way. i don't even really know what to say anymore. maybe if i swear off dating and stop acting so girl crazy, it'll come. but i can't help it. it's the 3rd desire of my heart. the 1st being my relationship with Jesus, the 2nd being playing music in a band. and 3rd is a relationship with someone who will treat me like i want so badly to treat them.
i'm gonna end this because it's gone on too long, it's 2:52 in the AM, and i have church tomorrow. night Fritz.
well i guess you can call me living proof that life is shitty compared to real life...cause i let her in, and i got burned. i got burned bad. three years with her, and she cheats on me. hilary said i need to figure out what i'm doing wrong in these relationships, whether it's in the way i look for girls, something i do while we're dating that drives them to cheat on me(maybe i'm too NICE for them??!?!??!?!?!?? wtf?), or whatever the fuck else it might be.
dating is shit. girls are evil, i've decided that. with a few, and i mean a few(like ten or fifteen...maybe twenty at the most) exceptions. i think i'm turning into an emo kid, without the whiny music and self-inflicted wounds and shit like that.
what the hell is the deal? i always hear "Oh you're such a sweet guy", "Any girl would be lucky to have you","You'll find your (insert name of best friend's girlfriend) someday","You'll learn from your mistakes and it'll be that much better for what you've gone through before it". those lines are like beating a dead as-a-fucking-doornail horse. it's f-ing true though. both my exes, i treated them like gold. did everything i could for them. what did i get for that? heartache. what's the fucking point? it's never going to end it seems. i know i'll hear "oh yes it will, you'll find it someday"...well i'm an impatient bastard and i'm sick of getting hurt while i wait for that supposed "someone" to come walking into my life.
love is a joke. valentines day makes me want to vomit. hearts make my insides boil. maybe it's jealousy. well, it is jealousy. i see all my friends in their relationships, and that's all i want...and it's the one thing i can't seem to get the fucking deal on. you know? i'm not even wanting a serious relationship all that soon either...i just wish i could find someone who i could spend time with, get to know better, maybe foster a relationship with in time...someone that isn't a cheating hoe-bag, and who is single, and doesn't break up with me for bullshit reasons, all the while cheating on me with my friend.
this is a long entry. i guess it's been awhile since i vented about this. actually it's the first time i vented about this. i've already gone through three songs on my iTunes playlist. right now it's "Breakaway" by Ms. Clarkson.
i think my problem is i'm too ADHD for most girls. they want some badass dude with ripped muscles and an IQ smaller than their shoe size. i don't think i'm ugly, so i don't think i'm physically unattractive. but maybe i am and everyone is just too nice to tell me. what irritates me is that i can't change the way i act. when i like a girl, i really like them. i think sometimes i used to come on too strong, but that's changed now. but now i think it's just that i'm not interesting enough to keep their attention. i want someone i can spend the day with at the river, and then just sit around and watch TV with for a few hours, then curl up in bed with them and fall asleep. that right there is my problem. i'm too damn fucking serious about shit. that's the behavior of a serious relationship or a marriage even. life needs to install a fast-forward button that i can utilize whenever i see fit.
blaaeorioeiiyooeog.....that was a scream. an internet scream. why am i attracted to drama? and why are the only ones who aren't drama not attracted to me? i'm damned either way. i don't even really know what to say anymore. maybe if i swear off dating and stop acting so girl crazy, it'll come. but i can't help it. it's the 3rd desire of my heart. the 1st being my relationship with Jesus, the 2nd being playing music in a band. and 3rd is a relationship with someone who will treat me like i want so badly to treat them.
i'm gonna end this because it's gone on too long, it's 2:52 in the AM, and i have church tomorrow. night Fritz.