This is ridiculous.
I can't believe I'm posting here again. But a friend brought up journaling, and the possibility of an audience is somewhat cathartic. I'm in a state that I certainly can't share with the real people in my life, after all.
You see, I'm full of holes. Physical, occupational, emotional, psychological, social-- I'm a veritable slice of Swiss cheese.
And I can't get past them. I'm trying to fill them; I'm trying to be an adult and responsible and happy. I'm trying to overlook the ones I can't fill on my own. I'm trying to trust God to take care of me and lead me over them. But it's so hard.
It's so hard being depressed all the time. It's so hard knowing my weekends and nights are basically useless because I can't keep my emotions at bay. I had so much promise and potential planned for Texas, and it's all slipping away because I'm living a half life most days. I feel like I can't handle anything anymore. I'm paralyzed by my own biology. How does one overcome that?
How can I get over this? How can I keep the anxiety and the sadness at bay? I'm constantly in a state of suspension, trying to be healthy when I'm really just running away over and over again. I'm picking myself apart and I don't think its completely non-SI anymore.
I distract myself with pain, with work, with temporary amusements that mimic fulfilling activities. I've reduced fulfillment down to a clinical itch-scratching-- and it's not even the right itch. I constantly find myself looking at me, hoping to find something new and meaningful and eye-catching. But I remain the same: wanting, falling short. It's no wonder I'm not making meaningful connections with people; even I pass me by.
You see, I'm full of holes. Physical, occupational, emotional, psychological, social-- I'm a veritable slice of Swiss cheese.
And I can't get past them. I'm trying to fill them; I'm trying to be an adult and responsible and happy. I'm trying to overlook the ones I can't fill on my own. I'm trying to trust God to take care of me and lead me over them. But it's so hard.
It's so hard being depressed all the time. It's so hard knowing my weekends and nights are basically useless because I can't keep my emotions at bay. I had so much promise and potential planned for Texas, and it's all slipping away because I'm living a half life most days. I feel like I can't handle anything anymore. I'm paralyzed by my own biology. How does one overcome that?
How can I get over this? How can I keep the anxiety and the sadness at bay? I'm constantly in a state of suspension, trying to be healthy when I'm really just running away over and over again. I'm picking myself apart and I don't think its completely non-SI anymore.
I distract myself with pain, with work, with temporary amusements that mimic fulfilling activities. I've reduced fulfillment down to a clinical itch-scratching-- and it's not even the right itch. I constantly find myself looking at me, hoping to find something new and meaningful and eye-catching. But I remain the same: wanting, falling short. It's no wonder I'm not making meaningful connections with people; even I pass me by.