The lives that wove a web inside my haunted head
I didn't know why I ran, or where exactly I was runnin' to. Not that it stopped me. I ran until the only sounds I could hear were my frantic heartbeat, heavy breathing, and sneakers pounding on the blacktop. Ran until the rest of the world just fell away, and it was just me. Just when I thought my lungs might burst from the pressure I stopped suddenly and collapsed against the nearest wall. Closing my eyes I turned around slowly, breathing hard and waiting for my heartrate to return to it's normal beat.
"Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
"It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste."
Opening my eyes finally I stretched my neck all the way to one side and then other as I checked it out. Damn, looked like I ran halfway across the city. Hadn't meant to go anywhere. I just....I saw the demon guy on Cordy, so I did what she wanted me to, ya know? I helped out. Go team. But who the fuck was I kidding, it wasn't about that at all. I put the hurt on that guy cause his slimy hands were on Cordy. I just felt that feelin', the one that creeps right in under your skin and sets you on fire. Don't think about anything, just slay. Kill. Snapped his neck like a piece of dry spaghetti and still nothin'. Not one single thought in this pretty head and I'm thinkin' there's gotta be something wrong with that.
Something wrong with me.
"Put that away. I'll scream."
"Who wouldn't?"
What the hell was that anyway? Was the fucking prom queen my new best pal? The cheerleader for the Sponser a Psycho Slayer Foundation? I was just a fucking charity case for her, part of her help the hopeless campaign or whatever it was that she did. Didn't even know why I was stickin' around like I was other than I had nothing else to do. Had nothing really. So yeah, I wasn't sure why I was stickin' around but I was positive it had something to do with her. Her bein' all nice to me. She apologized to me. As soon as I got what I said I've been wanting all along I didn't have one clue what to do with it.
"I got nowhere else to go. Look, I hate asking for help, but I'm asking, cause, uh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. The real bad kind."
"It's okay."
"No, it's a couple of county lines over from okay, believe me."
"Look, just talk. Come on. Start from the beginning."
"Mind if I skip past the 'mom never loved me' part and get right to it? I'm scaring myself."
I mean, what the hell did she expect from me? She wanted me to redeem myself? What, like Angel did? Angel was immortal, he had a forever to get it right. Hundred years to practice. I didn't think I was gonna make it through the next ten minutes. Help the team? Save the damsels in distress and shit? It wasn't me. I wasn't cut out for this hero stuff. All I knew was how to hurt.
"Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?"
"What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill."
"To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!"
"We are better!"
I looked up sharply when I heard laughter, just as two people passed me by from where I stood in the alleyway. Narrowing my eyes I thought about how stupid that chick was. Could tell from a mile away the dude who had his arm draped around her was a vamp. Were the blondes in this city never gonna get any smarter? I turned my head, watching them carefully as they passed. Suddenly Don Juan snapped his head up and glared at me. Points for him, looked like someone's slayer radar was on point tonight. I turned my gaze away from him and back down the other end of the alley. And just when I wanted them to leave so bad I could scratch all my skin off, I started to follow them.
It wasn't long til I caught up just in time to hear Little Miss Thang crying and screaming, vamp boy lickin' his chops. Feeding time in L.A. Without thinkin' much about it, I whipped the stake out of Cordy's jacket pocket and thrust it into his back. He crumbled into dust leaving nothing but me and some girl crying on the pavement. With a shrug I started to turn away from her.
"Wait...." She said so suddenly it was practically reflex to turn and look down at her again. "Thank you."
I stared at her for a second, a cold feeling settling over me. "It's cool." I said quietly before sticking the stake back in my pocket and turning away.
Didn't know where I was goin', just knew that there was always more room to go down.
"Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
"It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste."
Opening my eyes finally I stretched my neck all the way to one side and then other as I checked it out. Damn, looked like I ran halfway across the city. Hadn't meant to go anywhere. I just....I saw the demon guy on Cordy, so I did what she wanted me to, ya know? I helped out. Go team. But who the fuck was I kidding, it wasn't about that at all. I put the hurt on that guy cause his slimy hands were on Cordy. I just felt that feelin', the one that creeps right in under your skin and sets you on fire. Don't think about anything, just slay. Kill. Snapped his neck like a piece of dry spaghetti and still nothin'. Not one single thought in this pretty head and I'm thinkin' there's gotta be something wrong with that.
Something wrong with me.
"Put that away. I'll scream."
"Who wouldn't?"
What the hell was that anyway? Was the fucking prom queen my new best pal? The cheerleader for the Sponser a Psycho Slayer Foundation? I was just a fucking charity case for her, part of her help the hopeless campaign or whatever it was that she did. Didn't even know why I was stickin' around like I was other than I had nothing else to do. Had nothing really. So yeah, I wasn't sure why I was stickin' around but I was positive it had something to do with her. Her bein' all nice to me. She apologized to me. As soon as I got what I said I've been wanting all along I didn't have one clue what to do with it.
"I got nowhere else to go. Look, I hate asking for help, but I'm asking, cause, uh, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. The real bad kind."
"It's okay."
"No, it's a couple of county lines over from okay, believe me."
"Look, just talk. Come on. Start from the beginning."
"Mind if I skip past the 'mom never loved me' part and get right to it? I'm scaring myself."
I mean, what the hell did she expect from me? She wanted me to redeem myself? What, like Angel did? Angel was immortal, he had a forever to get it right. Hundred years to practice. I didn't think I was gonna make it through the next ten minutes. Help the team? Save the damsels in distress and shit? It wasn't me. I wasn't cut out for this hero stuff. All I knew was how to hurt.
"Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?"
"What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill."
"To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!"
"We are better!"
I looked up sharply when I heard laughter, just as two people passed me by from where I stood in the alleyway. Narrowing my eyes I thought about how stupid that chick was. Could tell from a mile away the dude who had his arm draped around her was a vamp. Were the blondes in this city never gonna get any smarter? I turned my head, watching them carefully as they passed. Suddenly Don Juan snapped his head up and glared at me. Points for him, looked like someone's slayer radar was on point tonight. I turned my gaze away from him and back down the other end of the alley. And just when I wanted them to leave so bad I could scratch all my skin off, I started to follow them.
It wasn't long til I caught up just in time to hear Little Miss Thang crying and screaming, vamp boy lickin' his chops. Feeding time in L.A. Without thinkin' much about it, I whipped the stake out of Cordy's jacket pocket and thrust it into his back. He crumbled into dust leaving nothing but me and some girl crying on the pavement. With a shrug I started to turn away from her.
"Wait...." She said so suddenly it was practically reflex to turn and look down at her again. "Thank you."
I stared at her for a second, a cold feeling settling over me. "It's cool." I said quietly before sticking the stake back in my pocket and turning away.
Didn't know where I was goin', just knew that there was always more room to go down.