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I jolted awake, realizing I had fallen asleep, despite my promises I'd stay awake... damnI sat up, and listened to the hotel around me; silent. I couldn't hear anyone talking, even though last I remembered, I could hear Cordelia and Faith talking... I didn't think Faith would have run; not the way she had been the night before. Not to mention, I
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I'd gotten exactly what I wanted. He'd never forget about me now.
Cor was so goddamn confusing though. All with the wanting me to stay, and tryin', fuck, tryin' so desperately to understand me! She apologized to me. Apologized to me after I wrecked her ass and good. Why was she doin' that? Was she just as fucked in the head as me? Scratch it. Maybe I'd dust Angel and kill Wesley and bring Cordy with me. I was the slayer, we could have anything we wanted. She could have anything she wanted with me.
Except that really didn't work, now did it? Cause I had nothin' to offer Cordy other than super strength, and everyone was makin' it wicked clear that super strength didn't always cut it.
I looked up when I heard a knock on the door. Maybe it was Cor again, bringing me some fucking cookies or something like June fucking Cleaver. Whack chick.
"Yeah?" I called, sitting up in bed and not makin' a move to open the door.
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Meanwhile, though, I was still wondering where everyone else was. Usually, I couldn't sleep as late as I had; Doyle and Cordelia were usually in here, talking, laughing, and, more often than not, fighting. Despite the fact that I had to readjust my sleeping schedula a bit, I had grown used to it.
Now, since both of them weren't here, I was a little put off by the silence. It might have been because I was used to it now, or because I was wondering where both of them were; I wasn't quite sure myself.
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"Yeah sure." I said quietly, knowing that vamp hearing was gonna let him hear me anyway. Damn vampire senses. Why didn't slayers get super strong senses like that? Might make killin' demons easier.
Or just killing in general.
I looked up as the looming figure of Angel appeared in the darkened doorway of my room. What did he want anyway? Making sure I hadn't killed anyone since I been here?
"Hey." I said morosely, turning my head so I was looking anywhere but at him.
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"Hey," I replied. Then, I asked, "You okay?" I looked around the room, seeing how nothing had been touched; it didn't look as if she had slept much, if at all, and she hadn't touched anything else.
"Faith." I said, sitting on a chair, facing her. "Talk to me." Inwardly, I winced. Yeah, she was going to just open up to me, because we were such good friends. But hopefully, she would talk to me... only way I could know what she was thinking, and try to help her through this. I knew most of where she was coming from, but there were some key differences... hopefully she could try me, and...
And what? a little voice whispered. You can try and become bestest buddies with her? Like she;'s going to trust you that much? After all, you tried to help her once, and failed her... then, you had to follow along with Buffy, who made it clear that she didn't quite accept Faith. She's really going to just vare her soul for you... because you're the best person to help her with this.
I shook my head slightly, trying to get rid of the voice. Maybe I didn't have the best history with Faith, but I was the best person around hereto help her handle this, as far as I knew. No one else understood what it was like to kill someone, then try and make amends... when you never really can.
I drew myself back to the present, studying Faith, who had a blank, slightly lost look on her face.
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Sitting up in bed, I drew my legs up and underneath me, sitting with my back resting on the headboard. I still wasn't lookin' at him, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye. Sitting on the chair across from the bed and watching me intently. I felt a little funny under his intense gaze, but I didn't wanna let on. Too late for a big show now though wasn't it? I already cried in his arms and begged him to kill me.
"Fine." I said with a shrug, finally slowly drifting dark eyes in his direction. "You pick the topic. We talkin' baseball, puppies, killin' people? What?"
Where the hell did that little outburst come from? I frowned and looked away from him again. Something in the way he was lookin' at me. Didn't set right with me. Why the fuck was he here? Was it really to talk to me? Or was it something else?
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I wasn't exactly prepared for having the heart to heart, but... I had to help her. She needed help, and I could provide it. I had been where she was, knew what she was going through, for the most part. Only difference was, she didn't need to have her soul put back in her to come to this revelation, which made her better than me in some regards... like she already had a leg up on me in the redemption regard.
But that was a good thing; she wanted to change, without having someone give her something that pretty much forced her to feel the guilt for what she had done. She could do this on her own, without having Gypsies pissed off at her. She wanted to change of her own free will, and wasn't that what humans were supposed to be all about?
"Puppies?" I asked, momentarily confused. She wanted to talk about baseball or puppies? "You want to talk about- oh." Then, with a wry grin, I replied, "Well, we could talk baseball, but I'm not much for these new sports."
She glanced away, and I paused. Maybe I had said the wrong thing... wouldn't surprise me. I wasn't that good with the talking thing anyway.
"Faith, you know what we need to talk about," I said. And she did.
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Shaking my head I frowned again. Where had that come from? Okay, so I realized my thuoghts were kinda all over the place right now but it was even more weird then before. He was makin' me feel wicked uneasy. Like more uneasy than I thought I would be.
"What do we need to talk about?" I asked abruptly. "What I did? What I'm gonna do now? How I can't even fucking sleep cause I'm afraid I'm gonna get sucked right back into the dark? Angel...." I looked up at him with fear in my eyes. Cause I was fucking scared, I didn't think I could live like this anymore. "I can't do this, I gotta go." I said, standing up quickly.
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"First of all, yes, you can do this. I know you can, and I'm going to help you. Second, yes, we need to talk about those things, but I'm not going to let you get sucked right back into the dark. I once told you you didn't have to go out into that darkness..." I trailed off, and looking at her firmly.
"You're going to have to face this sooner or later, Faith. Even if you run... it'll still follow you." And I would know... "But I can try and help you, if you'd let me," I said. I was still looking at her, letting her know I was serious.
No matter how far she ran, there was no way to escape the past or what you did. No matter how far, how fast, or how long, the thoughts would always still follow her, and if she started running now, she'd never stop. Thoughts had a way of following you like that... over 80 years of running hadn't helped me any. Instead, it took a small hakf-demon to help me...
Hopefully, I could help Faith, pass it on.
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He spun me around to face him, and this time I couldn't look away, he wouldn't let him. The urge to stake him and run off was even stronger than it had been a few minutes ago. It would be so easy, he might not even see it comin'. Sure I looked all fucking helpless right now. He better remember that I wasn't. Furthest fucking thing from.
"How are you gonna help me?" I demanded, lookin' up into his face and jerking myself out of his grip suddenly. He was givin' me a weird look, it was tweeking me out. "You're a vampire. What the hell would you know about being a slayer?"
Now was the part where he told me I didn't know jack about being a slayer either. That was these people's favorite fucking tune. Well I was sick of it!
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"I may not know about being a Slayer," I said darkly, "But I do know what it's like to kill people. Just like you do." I watched her face, looking for signs that this one had hit home. It should have... I didn't give a damn about her being a Slayer, just that she needed help, and I happened to come from an area that let me understand enuogh to help her.
"Besides, I have a soul... vampire, Slayer. Different sides, same fight. You went dark, I got a soul. Who knows," I said wryly. "We might have something in common. Now, are you going to run, or are you going to let me help you?"
I released her arm, beginning to pace a bit. "If you start running now, Faith, it's never gonna stop. Are you ready to deal with thsat for the rest of your life? Because I can tell you, it isn't easy. And you don't have a hundred years to wander around trying to get away from it, before you can decide to do something about it." I faced her, and repeated, "It never goes away."
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He had killed people, and I had killed people. Everyone loved him though, I didn't get it. Buffy had loved him, of all people. Didn't she know what he was? What he used to be? I didn't get it, she was so fucking accepting of him. Not me though, nope, never me.
When he let go of my arm I only took a step away from him but didn't make a quick beeline for the door like I thought I might. Why was I stayin' here? The question kept repeating itself in my head. But I thought that maybe, just maybe Soul Boy here and Cordelia might be onto something. I couldn't run away from it, it always followed me. When I closed my eyes I could see Finch's face in my mind. He never went away.
"So what am I supposed to do, Angel? I got nothin' left." I really did have nothing. Never had much, but I'd never had nothing before. "I can't just do what you do. I mean, you got like a million years to make up for all this shit. I don't think I'm gonna live that long."
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"And do you think I had anything left after Igot the soul shoved in me? I mean, all I had had for over a hundred years was gone, because..." I shook my head. "Not the point. Point is, so what? You don't have anything. Big deal. What you do have is a chance."
I pointed at myself, and asked, "What do you think I had to do any of this for?" Well, at the time, there had been Buffy, but... she probably knew that, and it wasn't the point I was trying to make- go out, find someone you fall in love with, someone seemingly weak yet strong at the same time, someone innocent, and fight for them. Not the point at all.
At the time, I had been worried- here was this sixteen year old girl, being thrust into this life, this world. She had been pretty at the time, but completely self-absorbed in her life. Meanwhile, there was a strength I had seen, as well as a vulnerability... and I had wanted to help. I had wanted to help... which was why I was where I was today.
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"So what? I'm supposed to do what you do now? I don't think I can do that." I saw the way they looked at him. The way they talked about him. Even though B loved him she was always just a little bit afraid of him and I knew it. Hell, I wanted to exploit it. Wanted so bad to bring the bad boy out to play, cause as much as I wanted in B's pants. Angel was the next best thing.
I couldn't do it though. Try and make up for everything, and know that anytime anyone looked at you they were thinkin' about what a killer you were. How the wrong thing could make you snap at any second. And then knowin' that you could snap at any minute, that you wanted to.
Shaking my head I took another couple steps away from him tentatively. No way, that road wasn't for me. I wouldn't be able to cut it. I had to keep runnin', runnin' until there wasn't anything left. That was the way it was supposed to end.
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