Agnus dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem

[bifftannenrocks]

tonight i found myself in a state of panic.
so i put on my shoes and went running in the dark.
everything is up in the air and i just wanted to escape from my own thoughts.
i stomped down hard against the road, making as much noise as possible.
hearing my own frustration made me realize that no matter how hard i try to fight it, my dad still makes me feel so small.
here i am, reaching out...and nothing in return.
i don't understand his decision to not even acknowledge my efforts.
it feels like punishment.
a way for him to show me that he's in control.
still, i will never regret sending him the letter.
at least i tried.
every step i take is one further away from him.
and maybe that is for the best.

i know my answers are in a place i have abandoned over the past couple of years.
it has always been there, ready for me to return.
tonight i made peace with that.
in the dark, i felt like the only person who could see the beauty from above.

*

i hope that someday i will be in a relationship similar to the one described in Ben Kweller's song Thirteen.