Seven Week Post Op
Tomorrow will be seven weeks post-op. What is going on now:
* I know my scar is a proud thing to have. I do. I wear it like a big badge of honor. Yet I have not felt pretty, or even kind of cute, since my surgery. With my uneven haircut to the long scar that gets horrible looks from strangers in stores to the taking forever to peel glue hanging out of the hair growing back - I hate the way I look. Hate.
And of course you shouldn't care about what others think when they are gawking staring at you. And for the most part it flies right over me. Yet other times - most of the time if I am really honest with myself - it bothers me. I told my husband today that it would be nicer if someone would just come up and asked me what happened rather than look, and then look away quickly - as if ashamed to see me.
I want my brain tumor behind me. I have a daily reminder - not just in the fact of the physical things that are still going on - but a look-in-the-mirror every day reminder.
Again, I do wear my scar like a champ, and some people only look because of basic human nature curiosity...yet those days when your self esteem is already on the floor? It is hard.
* Floaters in my eyes are still there, and at times it is hard to see for a few seconds when they flair up.
* Depression is still here. It is hard not seeing people. Not leaving my home whenever I want to. Life gets back to normal for people when you are this far out of surgery and you wish your life could, of if they could bring their life over to yours. I feel so isolated and alone a lot of the time.
* Turning my neck is still difficult. I'm not sure if I will be cleared to drive this month when I go in for my follow-up. Looking left without moving my whole body to do so is still pretty impossible.
* Sleep. Oh, sleep. I really friggin' miss sleep. It is so hard to get comfortable no matter how tired I am. I still wake up crying because I can't move around a lot in bed.
* I have walked without my cane for over a week now. It is the most amazing feeling to do without that cane after over a year of having to use it. Trying to walk without it is slow going - trying to replace my balance on my own two feet can be exhausting, yet it is such an accomplishment.
* I'm smelling things that are not there. Flea medicine. Tonight I thought someone was standing outside of our front door smoking a pack of cigarettes. Odd smells at odd times.
* I can eat a little easier now. My jaw no longer feels wired shut.
* My taste buds still sting, though, whenever I eat the first bite of something.
* There is still so much pressure in my left ear. If there are a lot of other noises, or if I am really tired, it is hard to hear out of that ear.
* Bad weather? That incision area swells up and pounds and hurts.
* I see my doctor the 13th. I may not update again until then. Perhaps then monthly after that unless something happens.
Happy New Year!
* I know my scar is a proud thing to have. I do. I wear it like a big badge of honor. Yet I have not felt pretty, or even kind of cute, since my surgery. With my uneven haircut to the long scar that gets horrible looks from strangers in stores to the taking forever to peel glue hanging out of the hair growing back - I hate the way I look. Hate.
And of course you shouldn't care about what others think when they are gawking staring at you. And for the most part it flies right over me. Yet other times - most of the time if I am really honest with myself - it bothers me. I told my husband today that it would be nicer if someone would just come up and asked me what happened rather than look, and then look away quickly - as if ashamed to see me.
I want my brain tumor behind me. I have a daily reminder - not just in the fact of the physical things that are still going on - but a look-in-the-mirror every day reminder.
Again, I do wear my scar like a champ, and some people only look because of basic human nature curiosity...yet those days when your self esteem is already on the floor? It is hard.
* Floaters in my eyes are still there, and at times it is hard to see for a few seconds when they flair up.
* Depression is still here. It is hard not seeing people. Not leaving my home whenever I want to. Life gets back to normal for people when you are this far out of surgery and you wish your life could, of if they could bring their life over to yours. I feel so isolated and alone a lot of the time.
* Turning my neck is still difficult. I'm not sure if I will be cleared to drive this month when I go in for my follow-up. Looking left without moving my whole body to do so is still pretty impossible.
* Sleep. Oh, sleep. I really friggin' miss sleep. It is so hard to get comfortable no matter how tired I am. I still wake up crying because I can't move around a lot in bed.
* I have walked without my cane for over a week now. It is the most amazing feeling to do without that cane after over a year of having to use it. Trying to walk without it is slow going - trying to replace my balance on my own two feet can be exhausting, yet it is such an accomplishment.
* I'm smelling things that are not there. Flea medicine. Tonight I thought someone was standing outside of our front door smoking a pack of cigarettes. Odd smells at odd times.
* I can eat a little easier now. My jaw no longer feels wired shut.
* My taste buds still sting, though, whenever I eat the first bite of something.
* There is still so much pressure in my left ear. If there are a lot of other noises, or if I am really tired, it is hard to hear out of that ear.
* Bad weather? That incision area swells up and pounds and hurts.
* I see my doctor the 13th. I may not update again until then. Perhaps then monthly after that unless something happens.
Happy New Year!