Episode Two: and so it begins
This week in Paradise was thrilling to say the least. We clearly have gotten to meet, greet and be massively frightened by nearly all of our guests. Shall we recap? We shall.
The week started with a scary, scary bang when Schizoid was found to be hiding under Chip and Gropey's table. Gropey had merely slipped under the radar vision of Chip in order to have completely disgusting sex with Lascivioso when she screamed at the top of her lungs… screamed, whined… whatever. Schizoid was cowering and shaking near a table leg and, when questioned by a freaked out tweaked out coked up Gropey responded by telling anyone who would listen (which, technically, was no one … Gropey and Lascivioso had already begun having sex as soon as Gropes caught her breath) that she was hiding from her tablemate Fluffy because hy was the portal to hell and was trying to suck her into hys demonically filled inner recesses.
The "romance" heats up between Boobs and Bulldog as they have been having nearly constant sex. Other guests who witnessed this were heard to say things along the lines of "Wow that's gross", "Yuck", "That's some nasty ass shit", and "Where's Chip? I need another Bud Light." Bulldog has professed hys undying love for Boobs despite the fact that, when not actually doing it, she spends the majority of her time crying and yelling about life and her massively large breasts. Unbeknownst to Bulldog, when hy was in the bathroom attempting to sex it up with Bigrrl, Boobs was busy forming a "Pinkie Swear Alliance" (PSA) with Shorty. Shorty, who still hasn't realized that hy's actually tablemates with Mango as a result of their 1 foot height difference, said that hy sincerely enjoyed making out and dancing spastically with Boobs for 5 minutes the other day and would gladly accept and enforce the PSA.
Mango, perhaps the most pseudo-political pseudo-lesbian at the hotel, stages a protest against the war on the dance floor. She states loudly and veganly that she is on a hunger strike until the war is resolved. Amidst drunken shouts of "What war???" and "Why are you so damn tall?" Genius and Bigrrl quickly decide to join protesting ranks with Mango. The fearsome threesome (as they begin calling themselves even though no one actually cares) begin stenciling slogans onto napkins and taping them to swizzle sticks in order to lead the most boring protest in the history of the universe. Mango quickly falls over in hunger after a 3 lap march around the dance floor while Genius says that hy would gladly help her up if only hys knees weren't so bad. Bigrrl gets mad that Genius would even OFFER to assist Mango (despite their "fearsome threesome" status) and the protest quickly melts into the lesbianic drama that we all know and love. Genius screams at Bigrrl while Mango lies helplessly and skinn-ily on the floor. Everyone else loses interest and does some tequila shots off of Lascivioso's poodle head.
Bulldog and Shorty run into each other on the left side of the dance floor. Shorty tries to look tough and intimidating but also sort of forgets why Bulldog would be confronting hym anyway.
Bulldog: "What the fuck are you doing with my grrl?"
Shorty: "Who?"
Bulldog glares and points in the direction of Boobs who is crying at nothing in particular and staring at a wall.
Shorty: "She's not your grrl and besides, we were just making a PSA. That's what you do in Paradise."
Bulldog: "I thought I had a friend in you but now all I feel like is that you're a loser."
Shorty: "That's fine"
Shorty begins losing interest in the conversation and notices that there are paper palm trees taped to the wall.
Shorty: "There are palm trees!! It really IS paradise, Bulldog!!"
Bulldog: "Fuck the palm trees! How would you like it if I hit on Mango?"
Shorty: "Who's Mango?"
At this point, Bulldog gets so angry and frustrated that hy simply points out that no one should try to argue with hym because hy's so smart and then walks away. Shorty realizes that there's a song on that hy kinda likes and goes up to the dance floor, tripping unknowingly over a still prone Mango.
Finally, after feebly fending off some of Gropey's best gropes, Mango crawls over to her table only to look over to her right and see Genius and Bigrrl eating large meals. She glares at them and Genius states that hy "needs brainfood, ya know?" Mango replies that she can't stand people who can only give halfway to a protest because, after all, how will the protest make an impact if the protesters aren't half dead from malnourishment and pretension? Genius shrugs, Bigrrl stares ahead angrily and Mango passes out.
Chip is switched to "auto pilot" sneakily by Gropey so that she and Lascivioso can find another table under which to have sex. Chip continues serving Bud Lights and other white-trash-acinos to the guests seemingly completely unaware that hys tablemate is up to shenanigans. Bulldog notices this and makes a comment to Boobs between tearful make outs that Gropes is really "playin' Chip dirty." Boobs nods and cries.
Fluffy makes a promise to Schizoid, who was found cowering under Mango and Shorty's table. "I will write you a note every day at noon to prove to you that I'm not the portal to hell, Mango. I know its hard for you to believe right now, but I know that, if you give me a chance, I can show you. I'm not really a portal to anything at all." Schizoid looks blankly up at Fluffy and then screams as if someone is stabbing her in the ear. Fluffy nods peacefully. "You'll see, Schizoid. You'll see."
The next night brings a golden envelope addressed to all of the guests. They will be playing a game called Pandora's Box. They are informed via this message that each guest is to anonymously address a question to another guest and will be answering them in a random order later that night. After Genius thoroughly explains the ramifications of such a game to everyone, much to their annoyed feigned interest, all of the guests seem to be excited at the prospects of the evening ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Pandora's Box~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bif: "Our first question looks like it's for Boobs. Boobs, if you had to choose 1 boi to leave, who would it be and why?"
Boobs: (starts crying) "I don't know. I just get along with everyone SO well. I guess it would be Gropey."
Bif: "Gropey's not a boi."
Boobs: (still crying) "I guess it would still be Gropey then." (looks viciously at Gropey who is groping Chip while smoking a joint)
Sarah: "Lascivioso… what is going on with you and Gropey?"
Lascivioso: (turns red and coyly smiles) "Well… I'm not sure I should say just yet… but… we're very close." (Gropey doesn't notice)
Bif: "Why do you keep fucking with me?... well… that's not really directed at anyone, so I guess we'll move on."
Sarah: "Fluffy, why does your hair look like it's stuck in 1987? Good question."
Fluffy: "People ask me that all the time and the answer is that I think it looks good. Keeps me from being too butch, I'm still professional, and just a look in the mirror takes me back to my favorite year."
Bif: "Sarah, this question is for you. Can we date you?"
Sarah: "No, but thanks for asking."
Sarah: "Genius, why are you not vegan?"
Genius: (laughs) "I’m really too poor. I rarely work more than 3 hours a week, so I can't really support a vegan cuisine."
Bif: "Genius again. Have you hooked up with Bigrrl yet?"
Genius: "Well, I like to keep things slow and I'm very respectful." (Flashback to Genius chasing Bigrrl around the dance floor screaming "Why won't you admit that we'd be good together? Whyyyyyyy?")
Sarah: "Schizoid, you seem to keep to yourself. Why is that?"
Schizoid: "I don't know what the fuck you're referring to, you crazy Satan."
Bif: "Bulldog, what the fuck is with your temper?"
Bulldog: "It's all water under the bridge now. I know I've made some mistakes, but I know who to trust now and how to play the game."
Sarah: "Can we play a make out game? Well… that's up to the guests in paradise, gang."
Bif: "Last question… Fluffy…. Why did you bring me to hell and are you a demon?"
Fluffy: "Despite my hair and drama, I am not a demon, per se… and I didn't bring anyone to hell." (Schizoid screams and runs under the safety of Two Toofie Debbie's crimped hair. Fluffy smiles benignly and mimes the writing of a note to Schizoid.)
Until next time, folks… don't forget…. Next episode, someone will be leaving Paradise FOREVER and a new grrl will be joining us!!!
The week started with a scary, scary bang when Schizoid was found to be hiding under Chip and Gropey's table. Gropey had merely slipped under the radar vision of Chip in order to have completely disgusting sex with Lascivioso when she screamed at the top of her lungs… screamed, whined… whatever. Schizoid was cowering and shaking near a table leg and, when questioned by a freaked out tweaked out coked up Gropey responded by telling anyone who would listen (which, technically, was no one … Gropey and Lascivioso had already begun having sex as soon as Gropes caught her breath) that she was hiding from her tablemate Fluffy because hy was the portal to hell and was trying to suck her into hys demonically filled inner recesses.
The "romance" heats up between Boobs and Bulldog as they have been having nearly constant sex. Other guests who witnessed this were heard to say things along the lines of "Wow that's gross", "Yuck", "That's some nasty ass shit", and "Where's Chip? I need another Bud Light." Bulldog has professed hys undying love for Boobs despite the fact that, when not actually doing it, she spends the majority of her time crying and yelling about life and her massively large breasts. Unbeknownst to Bulldog, when hy was in the bathroom attempting to sex it up with Bigrrl, Boobs was busy forming a "Pinkie Swear Alliance" (PSA) with Shorty. Shorty, who still hasn't realized that hy's actually tablemates with Mango as a result of their 1 foot height difference, said that hy sincerely enjoyed making out and dancing spastically with Boobs for 5 minutes the other day and would gladly accept and enforce the PSA.
Mango, perhaps the most pseudo-political pseudo-lesbian at the hotel, stages a protest against the war on the dance floor. She states loudly and veganly that she is on a hunger strike until the war is resolved. Amidst drunken shouts of "What war???" and "Why are you so damn tall?" Genius and Bigrrl quickly decide to join protesting ranks with Mango. The fearsome threesome (as they begin calling themselves even though no one actually cares) begin stenciling slogans onto napkins and taping them to swizzle sticks in order to lead the most boring protest in the history of the universe. Mango quickly falls over in hunger after a 3 lap march around the dance floor while Genius says that hy would gladly help her up if only hys knees weren't so bad. Bigrrl gets mad that Genius would even OFFER to assist Mango (despite their "fearsome threesome" status) and the protest quickly melts into the lesbianic drama that we all know and love. Genius screams at Bigrrl while Mango lies helplessly and skinn-ily on the floor. Everyone else loses interest and does some tequila shots off of Lascivioso's poodle head.
Bulldog and Shorty run into each other on the left side of the dance floor. Shorty tries to look tough and intimidating but also sort of forgets why Bulldog would be confronting hym anyway.
Bulldog: "What the fuck are you doing with my grrl?"
Shorty: "Who?"
Bulldog glares and points in the direction of Boobs who is crying at nothing in particular and staring at a wall.
Shorty: "She's not your grrl and besides, we were just making a PSA. That's what you do in Paradise."
Bulldog: "I thought I had a friend in you but now all I feel like is that you're a loser."
Shorty: "That's fine"
Shorty begins losing interest in the conversation and notices that there are paper palm trees taped to the wall.
Shorty: "There are palm trees!! It really IS paradise, Bulldog!!"
Bulldog: "Fuck the palm trees! How would you like it if I hit on Mango?"
Shorty: "Who's Mango?"
At this point, Bulldog gets so angry and frustrated that hy simply points out that no one should try to argue with hym because hy's so smart and then walks away. Shorty realizes that there's a song on that hy kinda likes and goes up to the dance floor, tripping unknowingly over a still prone Mango.
Finally, after feebly fending off some of Gropey's best gropes, Mango crawls over to her table only to look over to her right and see Genius and Bigrrl eating large meals. She glares at them and Genius states that hy "needs brainfood, ya know?" Mango replies that she can't stand people who can only give halfway to a protest because, after all, how will the protest make an impact if the protesters aren't half dead from malnourishment and pretension? Genius shrugs, Bigrrl stares ahead angrily and Mango passes out.
Chip is switched to "auto pilot" sneakily by Gropey so that she and Lascivioso can find another table under which to have sex. Chip continues serving Bud Lights and other white-trash-acinos to the guests seemingly completely unaware that hys tablemate is up to shenanigans. Bulldog notices this and makes a comment to Boobs between tearful make outs that Gropes is really "playin' Chip dirty." Boobs nods and cries.
Fluffy makes a promise to Schizoid, who was found cowering under Mango and Shorty's table. "I will write you a note every day at noon to prove to you that I'm not the portal to hell, Mango. I know its hard for you to believe right now, but I know that, if you give me a chance, I can show you. I'm not really a portal to anything at all." Schizoid looks blankly up at Fluffy and then screams as if someone is stabbing her in the ear. Fluffy nods peacefully. "You'll see, Schizoid. You'll see."
The next night brings a golden envelope addressed to all of the guests. They will be playing a game called Pandora's Box. They are informed via this message that each guest is to anonymously address a question to another guest and will be answering them in a random order later that night. After Genius thoroughly explains the ramifications of such a game to everyone, much to their annoyed feigned interest, all of the guests seem to be excited at the prospects of the evening ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Pandora's Box~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bif: "Our first question looks like it's for Boobs. Boobs, if you had to choose 1 boi to leave, who would it be and why?"
Boobs: (starts crying) "I don't know. I just get along with everyone SO well. I guess it would be Gropey."
Bif: "Gropey's not a boi."
Boobs: (still crying) "I guess it would still be Gropey then." (looks viciously at Gropey who is groping Chip while smoking a joint)
Sarah: "Lascivioso… what is going on with you and Gropey?"
Lascivioso: (turns red and coyly smiles) "Well… I'm not sure I should say just yet… but… we're very close." (Gropey doesn't notice)
Bif: "Why do you keep fucking with me?... well… that's not really directed at anyone, so I guess we'll move on."
Sarah: "Fluffy, why does your hair look like it's stuck in 1987? Good question."
Fluffy: "People ask me that all the time and the answer is that I think it looks good. Keeps me from being too butch, I'm still professional, and just a look in the mirror takes me back to my favorite year."
Bif: "Sarah, this question is for you. Can we date you?"
Sarah: "No, but thanks for asking."
Sarah: "Genius, why are you not vegan?"
Genius: (laughs) "I’m really too poor. I rarely work more than 3 hours a week, so I can't really support a vegan cuisine."
Bif: "Genius again. Have you hooked up with Bigrrl yet?"
Genius: "Well, I like to keep things slow and I'm very respectful." (Flashback to Genius chasing Bigrrl around the dance floor screaming "Why won't you admit that we'd be good together? Whyyyyyyy?")
Sarah: "Schizoid, you seem to keep to yourself. Why is that?"
Schizoid: "I don't know what the fuck you're referring to, you crazy Satan."
Bif: "Bulldog, what the fuck is with your temper?"
Bulldog: "It's all water under the bridge now. I know I've made some mistakes, but I know who to trust now and how to play the game."
Sarah: "Can we play a make out game? Well… that's up to the guests in paradise, gang."
Bif: "Last question… Fluffy…. Why did you bring me to hell and are you a demon?"
Fluffy: "Despite my hair and drama, I am not a demon, per se… and I didn't bring anyone to hell." (Schizoid screams and runs under the safety of Two Toofie Debbie's crimped hair. Fluffy smiles benignly and mimes the writing of a note to Schizoid.)
Until next time, folks… don't forget…. Next episode, someone will be leaving Paradise FOREVER and a new grrl will be joining us!!!