Thirteen
This is my first real update in quite awhile. First off, Quinn and I are back together for about a month now. Things are going really well considering all the issues that we have to work past. I was feeling pretty good about generally everything until I watched that movie tonight. (Extreme ramble warning).
Maybe it was just inside me waiting to come out or maybe the movie brought out something in me. But I just started crying, sobbing almost. I was just thinking about how my childhood is over. It's gone. I won't be able to sit and watch cartoons with my dad anymore, my mom doesn't tuck me in at night, hell I don't even live with my mom anymore. There is no perfect family as there hasn't been since I was twelve. All my friends from elementary school that I still had contact with are losers. High School dropouts working at Waffle House. One girl especially, she makes me cry, the thought of her. Just a sweet little girl and now what has become of her. So many wasted lives. I know that its the same all over, I know that my problems are not unique in any way. I know that my problems are tiny and insignificant compared to those of others.
It just made me cry to actually stop and realize that it's over. Now I'll be expected to do things on my own. I won't have my parents there with me. I'll be miles from anyone that I know. I don't get to be a kid anymore, do I? Maybe I haven't been for awhile, but just the realization that I can't be makes it seem harsher.
I get upset over the stupidest things, and I think it's my way of trying to act like I'm still six years old. I wish I was, just for a day. My mom always told me, they told all of us, that we were in too much of a hurry to grow up. But oh, you want to go to highschool (not that middle school was any less miserable) you want to be cool and have cool friends and a cute boyfriend. Why? Because thats what we've been told we wanted since we started watching TV and listening to music. Imagine, nine year olds singing along to Mariah Carey and Celine Dion about SEX? Didn't know what we were saying but we knew the words by heart. We watched television commercials and shows about kids in High School. I remember on our first day I told my very best friend Erin whom I still talk to, although rarely, that, hey, this is it, we're about to experience what we've been watching on TV since we were still in the single digits. Oh I was so excited about it all.
I didn't even really know what was out there before high school. Hell I had had one kiss and it had been brief and awkward. Maybe I was behind all of you at that age, but I made up for it. I knew that I was behind and god did I make up for it in the worst way. By the end of the first week of high school I had lost my virginity and smoked pot. So I guess it was Fourteen, instead of Thirteen, for me. After that it just spiraled. I had my first boyfriend, a senior, my second boyfriend, then a string of boys that I had sex with, and then my third boyfriend. Yes, just like that, just the third in a row, and he knew it too. And then we broke up horribly. I did love him, but I loved with the intent of leaving which isn't real love at all. Then as I thought I saw him fall in love with someone else I decided to fuck his best friend. Maybe it was awful but I didn't see that at the time. Just anything to get through to him, anything to make him realize that I was alive again. Then gave up on that and tried other ways of forgetting him. Did shrooms, got high everyday, drunk alot, fucked a 22 year old that I was hardly even attracted to. Then I stopped, I stopped it all and just smoked my cigarettes and lived off of nyquil for three weeks. Then I volunteered and did a musical. I thought maybe it was getting better. Until I found another guy, he seemed alright, a Coloradoan at heart, basically a good guy, blonde, white, what have you. He was my "boyfriend" for about a week, but I never really felt comfortable with him. Then one night over at his house with Chris and "Taxi" I had a drink too many and just passed out in his bed, trusting of course that nothing would happen. I wasn't coherent as he was pulling off my jeans, I suppose that I wasn't struggling either. Then I came to about three thrusts in and pushed him off and ran away screaming and crying. I tried to act like things were okay for a few days. Chris told me it wasn't rape, Chris told me that I was wrong to say that it was. So I believed him, but every time that guy touched me I felt awful and dirty and uncomfortable. Finally I told him to leave me alone. He tried to break into my house, my dad wasn't home, I was so afraid I had the phone with me ready to call the police. he finally left and the last I heard from "Socket" he got a girl pregnant and is going into the military.
I was such an innocent girl once. I swear to god I was. I was geeky, at least in middle school. Middle school was the worst. With glasses, braces, zits and bad hair I was the most popular girl in school. Sarcasm, of course.
I finally just stopped, told Charlie I wasn't going to even touch a guy until at least college, maybe even after I got there. I stopped going to Juarez with my friends, I stopped getting high with them. Soon after that I didn't have friends anymore. I didn't care, or at least I tried to convince myself that I didn't. And then when I didn't have any direction to go, I went to the bonfire. And that is how my life has come to be this way.
There's more, there's elementary school, there's the day that my father told me that my parents were getting a divorce. There's always more. But its 11:30 and my dad is coming home. I should go to bed soon.
So for all of you that hate me, think I'm a horrible person, maybe I am. Judge me now for yourself. Perhaps I'm just a series of unfortunate events. For all of you who talk about me, just try and understand before you do. Not that it really matter anyway, does it? After all, what will you be in a year? Ghosts of my life. Then it doesn't matter, it's settled.
Whats important is that I have found the love of my life, and I have been completely honest with him and he still loves me. Whats important is that I have a future, I am going to college, and even if I'm not famous I'll be independent. This is making no sense anymore, looks like its time to sleep.
Maybe it was just inside me waiting to come out or maybe the movie brought out something in me. But I just started crying, sobbing almost. I was just thinking about how my childhood is over. It's gone. I won't be able to sit and watch cartoons with my dad anymore, my mom doesn't tuck me in at night, hell I don't even live with my mom anymore. There is no perfect family as there hasn't been since I was twelve. All my friends from elementary school that I still had contact with are losers. High School dropouts working at Waffle House. One girl especially, she makes me cry, the thought of her. Just a sweet little girl and now what has become of her. So many wasted lives. I know that its the same all over, I know that my problems are not unique in any way. I know that my problems are tiny and insignificant compared to those of others.
It just made me cry to actually stop and realize that it's over. Now I'll be expected to do things on my own. I won't have my parents there with me. I'll be miles from anyone that I know. I don't get to be a kid anymore, do I? Maybe I haven't been for awhile, but just the realization that I can't be makes it seem harsher.
I get upset over the stupidest things, and I think it's my way of trying to act like I'm still six years old. I wish I was, just for a day. My mom always told me, they told all of us, that we were in too much of a hurry to grow up. But oh, you want to go to highschool (not that middle school was any less miserable) you want to be cool and have cool friends and a cute boyfriend. Why? Because thats what we've been told we wanted since we started watching TV and listening to music. Imagine, nine year olds singing along to Mariah Carey and Celine Dion about SEX? Didn't know what we were saying but we knew the words by heart. We watched television commercials and shows about kids in High School. I remember on our first day I told my very best friend Erin whom I still talk to, although rarely, that, hey, this is it, we're about to experience what we've been watching on TV since we were still in the single digits. Oh I was so excited about it all.
I didn't even really know what was out there before high school. Hell I had had one kiss and it had been brief and awkward. Maybe I was behind all of you at that age, but I made up for it. I knew that I was behind and god did I make up for it in the worst way. By the end of the first week of high school I had lost my virginity and smoked pot. So I guess it was Fourteen, instead of Thirteen, for me. After that it just spiraled. I had my first boyfriend, a senior, my second boyfriend, then a string of boys that I had sex with, and then my third boyfriend. Yes, just like that, just the third in a row, and he knew it too. And then we broke up horribly. I did love him, but I loved with the intent of leaving which isn't real love at all. Then as I thought I saw him fall in love with someone else I decided to fuck his best friend. Maybe it was awful but I didn't see that at the time. Just anything to get through to him, anything to make him realize that I was alive again. Then gave up on that and tried other ways of forgetting him. Did shrooms, got high everyday, drunk alot, fucked a 22 year old that I was hardly even attracted to. Then I stopped, I stopped it all and just smoked my cigarettes and lived off of nyquil for three weeks. Then I volunteered and did a musical. I thought maybe it was getting better. Until I found another guy, he seemed alright, a Coloradoan at heart, basically a good guy, blonde, white, what have you. He was my "boyfriend" for about a week, but I never really felt comfortable with him. Then one night over at his house with Chris and "Taxi" I had a drink too many and just passed out in his bed, trusting of course that nothing would happen. I wasn't coherent as he was pulling off my jeans, I suppose that I wasn't struggling either. Then I came to about three thrusts in and pushed him off and ran away screaming and crying. I tried to act like things were okay for a few days. Chris told me it wasn't rape, Chris told me that I was wrong to say that it was. So I believed him, but every time that guy touched me I felt awful and dirty and uncomfortable. Finally I told him to leave me alone. He tried to break into my house, my dad wasn't home, I was so afraid I had the phone with me ready to call the police. he finally left and the last I heard from "Socket" he got a girl pregnant and is going into the military.
I was such an innocent girl once. I swear to god I was. I was geeky, at least in middle school. Middle school was the worst. With glasses, braces, zits and bad hair I was the most popular girl in school. Sarcasm, of course.
I finally just stopped, told Charlie I wasn't going to even touch a guy until at least college, maybe even after I got there. I stopped going to Juarez with my friends, I stopped getting high with them. Soon after that I didn't have friends anymore. I didn't care, or at least I tried to convince myself that I didn't. And then when I didn't have any direction to go, I went to the bonfire. And that is how my life has come to be this way.
There's more, there's elementary school, there's the day that my father told me that my parents were getting a divorce. There's always more. But its 11:30 and my dad is coming home. I should go to bed soon.
So for all of you that hate me, think I'm a horrible person, maybe I am. Judge me now for yourself. Perhaps I'm just a series of unfortunate events. For all of you who talk about me, just try and understand before you do. Not that it really matter anyway, does it? After all, what will you be in a year? Ghosts of my life. Then it doesn't matter, it's settled.
Whats important is that I have found the love of my life, and I have been completely honest with him and he still loves me. Whats important is that I have a future, I am going to college, and even if I'm not famous I'll be independent. This is making no sense anymore, looks like its time to sleep.