What's the point of having a journal if you don't write in it?
I really have good intentions in most aspects of my life, but I think that I'm prone to falling short of the intended expectation. There are so many times I want to write something down, but then I think, no no, can't do that, people might get the wrong idea. ...but really... the wrong idea about what? I'm human, and people that know me are already QUITE aware that I have mood swings from time to time. The thing is - if you know me peripherally I hear quite often that people are always happy to see me because I never fail to greet them with a smile or jovial mood. I hadn't really thought about it, but I realized that it wasn't really who I was as much as a front for the world. Truth be told, yes, I generally am in a pleasant mood, but I'm ridiculously introspective, and so much that I think about leaves me confused or drained or even sad. I first started to realize that I keep my emotions in check my junior year in college. I had a serious bout of depression for at least half of the year, if not three quarters....yet only those who were very close to me knew that something was wrong. The true epiphany occurred when I walked up the stairs from the basement of the library and one of the librarians stopped to tell me how much she enjoyed having me around because every time she saw me I smiled and seemed happy. It happened smack dab in the middle of the worst month of my life, where I would have to fight with myself in order to get out of bed, let alone out of the house. I rarely went to class because I couldn't concentrate on what was being said and I often felt close to tears out of sheer frustration. Happy? Hell no. I wasn't pleased to find out that I was doing such a great job hiding from the rest of the world. It made me wonder who really knew me at all? I have the same problem with lj entries. I want to be honest and talk about the things that are happening and the thoughts in my head, but it will go against the image that so many people have of me in their heads. I spent the majority of today thinking about that, and I really think I need to stop being so on guard and let people see who I am and what I'm all about. So, from now on, I'm going to try to avoid fluff...on this journal. Trust me...la_noodle will never be anything other than fluff. I don't care how liberated I am feeling right now - I'm not about to write something that personal if I know my mom is reading it. That being said, I really do need to start documenting my daily life more, because time in flying by here. I'll try to keep up on that more in the noodler's journal.
Now that that's done....
I was talking to Becky yesterday and I'm always surprised how poignant our talks can be even when we aren't talking about much of anything at all. I mentioned that one of my students wrote a letter to the dean about how she was unhappy with my teaching this term. I have thought of very little else since that moment. I like to pretend that I can take criticism well, but I really can't. I never did well reading teachers comments on my work, or being evaluated at work. I don't like it when people tell me how to do things, and I hate hearing that I need to improve. I'm totally fine discovering areas I need to improve in on my own, but not when other people try to help me out. I've fought to change my ways my whole life, and the funny thing is, I AM a lot better about hearing criticism than I used to be, but it still has a way of hurting me deeply. I'm a first year teacher. I'm trying my best. And it drew blood upon hearing that I was sub-par. I think I've convinced myself that not everyone believes that, and the motives behind writing a letter rather than talking to me are rather suspect, but it's still hard for me to handle. That whole rant of stuff has to do with stuff Bson and I talked about. She noted that she thought I would be more excited about seeing my family on Tuesday as I'm leaving for Austria starting Monday night... she mentioned that she thought this was certainly something that should illicit my incomprehensible noises of joy. I AM excited. But I realize that I've been wallowing in self-contained pity and worrying about the fact that I've just had a "talking to" from the Dean and now I'm ferreting away in the middle of the night. I'm not changing my plans at this point, I just wish things weren't happening like this. I WANT to be so excited that I smile constantly and make incomprehensible noises when people ask my why I'm so happy...and it kills me that I would be if I weren't so concerned about something so out of my control. I mentioned to Becky that I know this experience in China is supposed to help us grow and such, but really - I think I've grown and changed enough, maybe it's time to go home? Upon hearing that Becky voiced her concern that I might not come back from Austria...which made me laugh. Of COURSE I'm coming back - I just wonder how much I'm going to be forced to learn about myself before I can leave this insane place.
China frustrates me the longer I'm here. I love my students, and I know by the time it's actually time to leave it will be really hard to go. I have a nice fan club here, and I doubt I will ever have an experience quite like this again. BUT, and this is a big fat ass of a but, I can't handle the way this country is run. I sometimes feel like things are being held together with paper clips and Scotch tape, and at the same time, the sheer STRENGTH of control the government has over the people is unreal. I never know how much I can or should say to my students. I would never intentionally insult any country outside of the U.S. (as our country is really quite worthy of mockery, but also quite worthy of praise) but it is hard to keep comments positive when some situations make my blood boil. I really think it's wrong that a government can tell people where they can and can not go, that the government can take the brightest minds and force feed propaganda until brainwashed, and that the government invites foreign people in to educate the citizens, but undercuts their existence here by making sure you don't forget that you are an outsider and will never fit in....just to name a few. In the beginning of the year I was thinking of staying for an extra year....I love my students, and I would love to be here for another year for THEM, but the idea of LIVING here for another year makes me laugh maniacally.
Now that that's done....
I was talking to Becky yesterday and I'm always surprised how poignant our talks can be even when we aren't talking about much of anything at all. I mentioned that one of my students wrote a letter to the dean about how she was unhappy with my teaching this term. I have thought of very little else since that moment. I like to pretend that I can take criticism well, but I really can't. I never did well reading teachers comments on my work, or being evaluated at work. I don't like it when people tell me how to do things, and I hate hearing that I need to improve. I'm totally fine discovering areas I need to improve in on my own, but not when other people try to help me out. I've fought to change my ways my whole life, and the funny thing is, I AM a lot better about hearing criticism than I used to be, but it still has a way of hurting me deeply. I'm a first year teacher. I'm trying my best. And it drew blood upon hearing that I was sub-par. I think I've convinced myself that not everyone believes that, and the motives behind writing a letter rather than talking to me are rather suspect, but it's still hard for me to handle. That whole rant of stuff has to do with stuff Bson and I talked about. She noted that she thought I would be more excited about seeing my family on Tuesday as I'm leaving for Austria starting Monday night... she mentioned that she thought this was certainly something that should illicit my incomprehensible noises of joy. I AM excited. But I realize that I've been wallowing in self-contained pity and worrying about the fact that I've just had a "talking to" from the Dean and now I'm ferreting away in the middle of the night. I'm not changing my plans at this point, I just wish things weren't happening like this. I WANT to be so excited that I smile constantly and make incomprehensible noises when people ask my why I'm so happy...and it kills me that I would be if I weren't so concerned about something so out of my control. I mentioned to Becky that I know this experience in China is supposed to help us grow and such, but really - I think I've grown and changed enough, maybe it's time to go home? Upon hearing that Becky voiced her concern that I might not come back from Austria...which made me laugh. Of COURSE I'm coming back - I just wonder how much I'm going to be forced to learn about myself before I can leave this insane place.
China frustrates me the longer I'm here. I love my students, and I know by the time it's actually time to leave it will be really hard to go. I have a nice fan club here, and I doubt I will ever have an experience quite like this again. BUT, and this is a big fat ass of a but, I can't handle the way this country is run. I sometimes feel like things are being held together with paper clips and Scotch tape, and at the same time, the sheer STRENGTH of control the government has over the people is unreal. I never know how much I can or should say to my students. I would never intentionally insult any country outside of the U.S. (as our country is really quite worthy of mockery, but also quite worthy of praise) but it is hard to keep comments positive when some situations make my blood boil. I really think it's wrong that a government can tell people where they can and can not go, that the government can take the brightest minds and force feed propaganda until brainwashed, and that the government invites foreign people in to educate the citizens, but undercuts their existence here by making sure you don't forget that you are an outsider and will never fit in....just to name a few. In the beginning of the year I was thinking of staying for an extra year....I love my students, and I would love to be here for another year for THEM, but the idea of LIVING here for another year makes me laugh maniacally.