Top 100 Facts About Me

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Top 100 Facts About Andrew Byers

1. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Andrew Byers is going to walk.
2. Once a cobra bit Andrew Byers's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
3. Andrew Byers sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
4. Andrew Byers can speak braille.
5. Andrew Byers does not sleep. He waits.
6. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Andrew Byers says its beef, then it's beef.
7. Andrew Byers invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
8. Andrew Byers can slam revolving doors.
9. Andrew Byers was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
10. Andrew Byers does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Andrew Byers goes killing.
11. Andrew Byers doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
12. Andrew Byers and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
13. Andrew Byers has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
14. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Andrew Byers.
15. Andrew Byers once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Andrew Byers was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
16. On his birthday, Andrew Byers randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
17. Andrew Byers beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
18. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Andrew Byers ate Kobayashi.
19. Andrew Byers died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
20. Andrew Byers always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
21. Giraffes were created when Andrew Byers uppercutted a horse.
22. Andrew Byers's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Andrew Byers.
23. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Andrew Byers's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
24. Andrew Byers is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
25. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Andrew Byers, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
26. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Andrew Byers laughing at you.
27. Andrew Byers counted to infinity - twice.
28. When Andrew Byers gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
29. Andrew Byers has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
30. If Andrew Byers wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
31. Andrew Byers once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
32. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Andrew Byers can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
33. Andrew Byers can kill two stones with one bird.
34. Andrew Byers played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
35. Andrew Byers became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
36. Whenever Andrew Byers plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
37. Andrew Byers can delete the Recycling Bin.
38. You are what you eat. That is why Andrew Byers's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
39. Andrew Byers was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
40. Andrew Byers had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Andrew Byers went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
41. Andrew Byers destroyed the periodic table, saying Andrew Byers only recognizes the element of surprise.
42. Andrew Byers can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
43. Andrew Byers is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
44. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Andrew Byers punched himself in the face.
45. When Andrew Byers gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.
46. Andrew Byers can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
47. Only once has Andrew Byers ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
48. Andrew Byers puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
49. On a high school math test, Andrew Byers put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Andrew Byers solves all his problems with Violence.
50. Andrew Byers irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
51. Andrew Byers wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
52. Andrew Byers can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
53. Getting murdered by Andrew Byers counts as a natural cause of death.
54. Andrew Byers was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
55. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Andrew Byers.
56. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Andrew Byers wins.
57. Weeping Willows are a result of Andrew Byers yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
58. Andrew Byers once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however Andrew Byers still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.
59. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Andrew Byers has found too chewy to eat.
60. Andrew Byers is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
61. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Andrew Byers has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
62. Andrew Byers doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
63. Andrew Byers once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
64. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Andrew Byers and forgot to pay him back.
65. Andrew Byers used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
66. Andrew Byers does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
67. The only time Andrew Byers was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
68. Andrew Byers owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
69. The last man who made eye contact with Andrew Byers was Ray Charles.
70. Andrew Byers doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Andrew Byers.
71. Andrew Byers can tie his shoes with his feet.
72. When Andrew Byers goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
73. Andrew Byers can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
74. Andrew Byers does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
75. Andrew Byers doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
76. Andrew Byers is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
77. Andrew Byers's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Andrew Byers will not take crap from anyone.
78. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Andrew Byers could use to kill you, including the room itself.
79. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Andrew Byers's house one Christmas.
80. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Andrew Byers."
81. Crop circles are Andrew Byers's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
82. Andrew Byers was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
83. Andrew Byers sleeps with a night light. Not because Andrew Byers is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Andrew Byers
84. When Andrew Byers enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
85. Andrew Byers's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
86. Andrew Byers invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
87. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Andrew Byers was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
88. When Andrew Byers plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
89. Circles exist because Andrew Byers beat the crap out of some squares.
90. Andrew Byers can make a paraplegic run for his life.
91. Andrew Byers can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
92. Andrew Byers is the only one who can "try this at home."
93. Andrew Byers is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
94. Onions do not make Andrew Byers cry. Andrew Byers makes onions crap themselves.
95. Andrew Byers knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
96. Andrew Byers's blood type is WD-40.
97. Superman owns a pair of Andrew Byers pajamas.
98. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Andrew Byers and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
99. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Andrew Byers allows to live.
100. When Andrew Byers deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.