i almost had a visit to the hospital
ok so lets see here my friends are mad at me...well why even say my friends im almost positive they dont consider me thier friend. so i guess since im so much bullshit the events that have gone on this weekend have made so much sense. anyways so i did nothing friday night except for sleep. writing in here how i feel each day is trying so i just try and get out some of the stuff i do from time to time. anyways so saturday i tried to overdose, didnt work so well. i dont really want to get into that but i basically slept sunday away. umm...i woke up at 4:30 pm because amanda was at the door rebeccas friend. so yea she knew i was depressed. damn i like was seriously numb! like i couldnt feel anything or say anything or do anything. anyways rebecca and amanda made me go to denny's with them but of course i didnt eat because uhh according to my own friends (wait there is that word again!) im fat. but anyways so i didnt eat. anyways so then we left and i was still depressed and this time i started to feel something, only it was crying and i started my period so i felt body aches. so the next event happend. i started crying insessivly. not even knowing i was crying at first then going into like a scream sob for help. it was like i had almost fallen and broken my entire body. so then i thought wait im crying but this is no better then feeling numb so what now? man i hated feeling like that. so i layed there crying hoping it would go away but then realizing that thats how i feel almost everyday especially when i want to kill myself. so anyways i then realized i wanted to go to the hospital. well hmm that was very interesting. i got up with the strength i pulled from only god knows where and i went to my mom told her end my pain or i would. take me to the hospital before i do something stupid. i told her i really dont want to do anything stupid but to be scared of yourself was pretty shitty thing to feel. so anyways she told me to call crisis care lines i called my pastor. well i called the crisis line first and fuck i didnt want to talk to an unknown guy named dave who had no enthusiasm to help anyone what so ever and for the phone to ring alot just ment i shouldnt of called them in the first place. so i hung up and called my pastor. he said be over in 15mins. so there he was. i had cried for only god knows how long til he got there. my mom didnt want to take me to the hospital. she wanted to wave some magic wand to help me. my own dad said that he wanted to hospitalize me to fuckin fix me. he said what kind of 17 year old sleeps the damn day away. me not going anywhere over the weekend was a major sign. how was i supposed to feel anyways so i cried my eyes out for a good 6 hours of the day. i ruined mothers day. me and my pastor drove to bellingham. i came back a little refreshed tryin to smile to not let everyone worry so much as they had. you should of heard how my mom was. oh man she was sooo worried. my dad even went out with out her thats how much she wanted to see me. anyways so yea im not so sure of what happend in these hours i know i wasnt me and i wasnt alive or in charge of anything. something had like taken over me and someone not me was tryin to ruin my life and kill me (it was actually me, but didnt feel like me) wait thats me blaming someone else for me. but anyways yea i talked about going to the hospital again we desided see what the damn councilors want and see what they say on tuesday and thats when i await my decision. til then i dont think im gonna go to school or do anything. i pretty much know i will be doing my 11th grade year over. i know a set back. but i know i will be doing it happy. anyways i dont think im going to snohomish anymore. its almost like i've been suspended all over again. shit, anyways i guess im cool with it idk where my life is gonna go now. so yea. after i got home i couldnt even look my parents in thier eyes i still kinda feel like killing myself but for the moment i think i can live til tomorrow. til i figure something out. anyways it was kinda a ruff day. i wonder if i will be invaded again. where my mind just completly looses its self again. so my pastor asked me what i do when i know i want to hurt myself. well i sit there and cry and tell myself dont do anything just sit here til it passes because if you get up you will probably make the wrong move and we dont want that now do we? and then my pastor told me something so true. when there have been so many attempted sucidies its actually attempted solutions to making them feel better. i think thats what i have had so many times. anyways i should probably get to bed i havent slept yet. still wondering where my life is gonna pick up and keep going. i wanted to call kelsey and kristina so badly just to tell them that i was gonna kill myself or commit myself but to tell them that and not follow through would be me tryin to get attention. so yea next step is to let them win and have my life. and me leave. anyways so i guess i should go now and say hey im still alive today, because something inside of me still wants to live for some crazy reason, maybe just so i could save someone elses life or to make someone else happy. who knows. anyways ttyl night fran