how he made me felt...
sometimes i feel like a drug attic going crazy because im tryin to come off of the drugs, im kicking and screaming and the other side of me is holding me down telling me to breath and i can do it, i can deal just i have to get through the first few days and they are gonna be painful but all i want do is go back to the drugs and not feel at all, and not know whats going on around me. pretend like the entire world is spinning and fuzzy and that warm feeling. then the other side of me is the one holding me down, going crazy stressed out because i cant do anything for the drug attic part of me, when all the stressed out person wants to do is get me sober and clean and well to where i can function normally. BUt once a drug attic always a drug attic, kinda like an alcoholic. they will always know that "other feeling" where its okay not to feel because you just dont care because your so fucking strung that no one can touch you and if they do theres still a high in your head and a never ending party and you dont even have to go looking for, its just there. but like i said you always have to go get more drugs and keep it going. when theres something already wrong in your head. whatever drugs you find,they will increase whats already wrong and make you not feel.
ok so what the fucking hell...frank fucking IM's me, im in a great mood right, well he is in a serious mood..i start joking with him and then what.. he wants me to be all serious and starts prying shit from me, like i've been hiding stuff...wow calm down buddy, i didnt do anything to start this i just told you about my day and values, tryin to get to know him more and what not but no he wants something from me i cant give him right now which is a serious attitude. i feel bad because he wants me to be postive like him and im not like that, im a realist and most of the time reality SUCKS! or a pesimisic person would think so. when you've been let down by so many different people its hard to be really postive. i like frank a hell of a lot i care so much that he's so darn postive and how wonderful he is. im just not so sure how i can try and fix myself to be what he wants me to be. i can only accept what i am now and since my little fall i have been having trouble getting up quickly. i think this fight tonight was supposed to teach me something yes it taught me something of course, watch what exactly i tell him because im scared he will be dispointed or not care what i have to say, he swears he would never be like that but what people say and how they act are very different. anyways i think i hurt him along the way somewhere im not so sure where exactly i was just glancing over me and his conversation and he says he started buggin on me when i said about michael which isnt true because he started it with when i told him about other ppl having problems..anyways so yea i feel bad i want to tell him everything so badly because i seriously think that he is that one person i can be myself with. i hate taking risks if you couldnt see already but i just uhh idk, anyways why should i care anyways hes someone i met online and at anytime i can drop him of course i dont want to, i seem to keep saying really hurtful things to him and about him when we talk and i dont know if it hurts him as much as it hurts me when i say them, some gay fucked up reason everytime i think about him and i start being mean i feel that sinking feeling and it hurts so much that i start to cry, dispointment and i just hope i dont give him that feeling. he says he likes me alot and what not im kinda if'y on that i ask him how his day goes and he hardly tells me anything and i get all paranoid because why doesnt he just tell me about useless stuff it makes the best conversation. i pull a story out of my day everyday. i just wish he would be more open, he's pushing me to be more open which by the way i now understand how my ex boyfriends feel..pushing for information. he beats me to it and i think its absolutly cute, but at the same time if your gonna take then you better give back...i want to know everything about him but he's making me more of an issue then his life and what he does...makes me wonder is he hiding something about his life that could make us maybe not want to talk. i just cant wait til i go to cali so i can see him and my fears can go away because i will be then convinced as long as everything checks out okay which i have only the tiniest doubt about. the funny thing is he is driving me so crazy and it wasnt supposd to happen like this. i wasnt supposed to care this much no offence frank i would of treated you like a friend but the feelings so fast and strong, i go crazy when we dont talk everynight. he see's it as okay but i see it as..well what the hell i wanted to talk to him. i have a feeling if he was my boyfriend and we lived near eachother we wouldnt see eachother everyday we would be kinda distant maybe. im not so sure since were not in person and then the phone thing bugs the hell out of me because its like oh i met this wonderful guy on the street and i hope i see him everyday but if i dont, and if he moves then i will never know and he can disapear like that and i will never know. its like again he's hiding something from me, i never asked for his phone number to call him up all the time. i asked for it to call like if i dont hear from him for a week or something. im so close to just saying im sorry fuck this... i dont want to because there was that sinking feeling again, but when i doubt him like this it makes me sad and wonder. we talk about the future and it sounds so wonderful but theres so many damn what ifs going through my head and then him telling me im dificult sounds like im not worth the trouble, so when will i just be enough for him. when will he just say fuck this and move on, i guess the slowly difrting apart and the number thing works out perfectly because if he wants he has an easy exit. maybe thats how he lives his life, first meets someone and finds all the exits right away. maybe thats his main concern i do that too sometimes but not to where i make them feel so damn insecure about us.. i have the power to just leave and for some reason he feels it nessisary to remind me all the time. i tell him how scared i am for someone to leave me and he makes it worse by making comments like that. anyways i do plan on sharing this with him as well as keeping it, but yes typing things out is easier, he says he isnt gonna get scared away but i think i already scared him otherwise all this wouldnt of been broughten up. as for me hurting myself dont worry about it. im slowly learning. im just tryin to find the right path to go down to fix it and make it easy for me and not to hurt myself. i told him to go to bed as if he was one of my sisters bothering me. i was just like go to bed...and its like i ment go to bed get the fuck out of my hair and leave me alone i need my time alone, normally i have tried to spend it with him and tonight he wanted to open me up and i seemed to close more up because i felt like he wanted me to get that way. he had good intensions but he didnt exactly succeed in the process. like i said i still care alot that he tried..but shuning me like he didnt made me feel like shit... anyways im gonna go because i do need sleep.
ok so what the fucking hell...frank fucking IM's me, im in a great mood right, well he is in a serious mood..i start joking with him and then what.. he wants me to be all serious and starts prying shit from me, like i've been hiding stuff...wow calm down buddy, i didnt do anything to start this i just told you about my day and values, tryin to get to know him more and what not but no he wants something from me i cant give him right now which is a serious attitude. i feel bad because he wants me to be postive like him and im not like that, im a realist and most of the time reality SUCKS! or a pesimisic person would think so. when you've been let down by so many different people its hard to be really postive. i like frank a hell of a lot i care so much that he's so darn postive and how wonderful he is. im just not so sure how i can try and fix myself to be what he wants me to be. i can only accept what i am now and since my little fall i have been having trouble getting up quickly. i think this fight tonight was supposed to teach me something yes it taught me something of course, watch what exactly i tell him because im scared he will be dispointed or not care what i have to say, he swears he would never be like that but what people say and how they act are very different. anyways i think i hurt him along the way somewhere im not so sure where exactly i was just glancing over me and his conversation and he says he started buggin on me when i said about michael which isnt true because he started it with when i told him about other ppl having problems..anyways so yea i feel bad i want to tell him everything so badly because i seriously think that he is that one person i can be myself with. i hate taking risks if you couldnt see already but i just uhh idk, anyways why should i care anyways hes someone i met online and at anytime i can drop him of course i dont want to, i seem to keep saying really hurtful things to him and about him when we talk and i dont know if it hurts him as much as it hurts me when i say them, some gay fucked up reason everytime i think about him and i start being mean i feel that sinking feeling and it hurts so much that i start to cry, dispointment and i just hope i dont give him that feeling. he says he likes me alot and what not im kinda if'y on that i ask him how his day goes and he hardly tells me anything and i get all paranoid because why doesnt he just tell me about useless stuff it makes the best conversation. i pull a story out of my day everyday. i just wish he would be more open, he's pushing me to be more open which by the way i now understand how my ex boyfriends feel..pushing for information. he beats me to it and i think its absolutly cute, but at the same time if your gonna take then you better give back...i want to know everything about him but he's making me more of an issue then his life and what he does...makes me wonder is he hiding something about his life that could make us maybe not want to talk. i just cant wait til i go to cali so i can see him and my fears can go away because i will be then convinced as long as everything checks out okay which i have only the tiniest doubt about. the funny thing is he is driving me so crazy and it wasnt supposd to happen like this. i wasnt supposed to care this much no offence frank i would of treated you like a friend but the feelings so fast and strong, i go crazy when we dont talk everynight. he see's it as okay but i see it as..well what the hell i wanted to talk to him. i have a feeling if he was my boyfriend and we lived near eachother we wouldnt see eachother everyday we would be kinda distant maybe. im not so sure since were not in person and then the phone thing bugs the hell out of me because its like oh i met this wonderful guy on the street and i hope i see him everyday but if i dont, and if he moves then i will never know and he can disapear like that and i will never know. its like again he's hiding something from me, i never asked for his phone number to call him up all the time. i asked for it to call like if i dont hear from him for a week or something. im so close to just saying im sorry fuck this... i dont want to because there was that sinking feeling again, but when i doubt him like this it makes me sad and wonder. we talk about the future and it sounds so wonderful but theres so many damn what ifs going through my head and then him telling me im dificult sounds like im not worth the trouble, so when will i just be enough for him. when will he just say fuck this and move on, i guess the slowly difrting apart and the number thing works out perfectly because if he wants he has an easy exit. maybe thats how he lives his life, first meets someone and finds all the exits right away. maybe thats his main concern i do that too sometimes but not to where i make them feel so damn insecure about us.. i have the power to just leave and for some reason he feels it nessisary to remind me all the time. i tell him how scared i am for someone to leave me and he makes it worse by making comments like that. anyways i do plan on sharing this with him as well as keeping it, but yes typing things out is easier, he says he isnt gonna get scared away but i think i already scared him otherwise all this wouldnt of been broughten up. as for me hurting myself dont worry about it. im slowly learning. im just tryin to find the right path to go down to fix it and make it easy for me and not to hurt myself. i told him to go to bed as if he was one of my sisters bothering me. i was just like go to bed...and its like i ment go to bed get the fuck out of my hair and leave me alone i need my time alone, normally i have tried to spend it with him and tonight he wanted to open me up and i seemed to close more up because i felt like he wanted me to get that way. he had good intensions but he didnt exactly succeed in the process. like i said i still care alot that he tried..but shuning me like he didnt made me feel like shit... anyways im gonna go because i do need sleep.