(no subject)
So I know that facebook applications aren't the most reliable sources of information and what not, but.. my fortune cookie application has really hit the nail right on the head. It said "This summer will change your life view." Summer is slowly approaching and it's been showing through my behaviour. I have just had one of the most turbullent starts to a year. With the stresses of my "adult life" coming on like a tidal wave, to my father losing his job and my family being forced to move out of the place that I have called home for the last 11 years. All of my life that I knew was dissipating into nothing but memories. My dog passed away, I lost my home, and school is pretty much over.
What now?
This summer was the time that I was meant to spend in the States figuring out my life. Would I get a job there? Would I just go back to Brazil and live with my parents there? It's all so up in the air at this point. I have one of the worst anxiety disorders ever.. I mean, I grew socially anxious in multiple occassions to a point that if I were out to dinner, I would lose my appetite and have trouble breathing. The only time I feel ok when I am out is when I'm drinking. Cause then all those barriers or memories of horrible things in the past are washed away with every pint of beer that I drink.
What now?
I try to sit and think about now. I think about the amazing support system that I have. My friends (my REAL friends, those of which I know care for my wellbeing and not just call me when they need something), my family (my Dad whom I've never had a very close relationship with has started to really grow on me), Carl (I always tell him I'm lucky to have him because he is just so caring and understanding and he truly wants to see me happy). When I think of those people I just feel bad.. because I honestly want to listen to their advice and believe it, and feel better, but I never do.
So really... what now?
It's my birthday in three days. Hopefully by then, I'll have something to look forward to. Until then, I don't really see myself being very happy about anything.
What now?
This summer was the time that I was meant to spend in the States figuring out my life. Would I get a job there? Would I just go back to Brazil and live with my parents there? It's all so up in the air at this point. I have one of the worst anxiety disorders ever.. I mean, I grew socially anxious in multiple occassions to a point that if I were out to dinner, I would lose my appetite and have trouble breathing. The only time I feel ok when I am out is when I'm drinking. Cause then all those barriers or memories of horrible things in the past are washed away with every pint of beer that I drink.
What now?
I try to sit and think about now. I think about the amazing support system that I have. My friends (my REAL friends, those of which I know care for my wellbeing and not just call me when they need something), my family (my Dad whom I've never had a very close relationship with has started to really grow on me), Carl (I always tell him I'm lucky to have him because he is just so caring and understanding and he truly wants to see me happy). When I think of those people I just feel bad.. because I honestly want to listen to their advice and believe it, and feel better, but I never do.
So really... what now?
It's my birthday in three days. Hopefully by then, I'll have something to look forward to. Until then, I don't really see myself being very happy about anything.