i've come to a conclusion (that i've known for a long time but i'm only just now sharing)
so, i'm sitting here in my bathrobe on my couch, still hungry from whatever was supposed to be my dinner but really can't possibly be classified as such based on the fact that it didn't really contain enough calories to sustain my ever ravenous appetite (i'm going to be in L.A. in a month, and i very well can't be surrounded by the likes of heidi "i'm almost like jesus" montaug and other southern california post-op whores looking like walking barbie dolls while i look like a schlep so i'm on an 'i'm going to get skinny if it kills me' diet until then) and therefore a little drunk on the cocktail or two (hey, it's monday!) i've had as a caloric substitute for the bucket of chicken and a big mac i wish i was eating.
and there's absolutely nothing on the tele on monday nights during the summer, unless you count the eighteenth season of "the bachelorette" which if you do you're even more pathetic than i am and probably should go dress up one of your 12 cats in the ballerina costume you bought on sale at petsmart last saturday night. come on. you know you want to.
so by the grace of god, as i was flicking through the channels when i got home earlier hoping for something mindless to occupy the time it takes me to change into my gym clothes, i stumbled upon a precious vh1 gem entitled, top 100 songs of the 90's.
and i watched.
for like, 4 hours, i watched. wrapped up in the songs of yore just waiting to hear what they would pick for the number one spot. but i already knew.
and i will tell you right now, i honestly feel like crying, because while i'm sure the producers had every intention of a tribute, i feel like i just watched a eulogy.
music sucks anymore. and you can quote me on that.
i rarely listen to the radio anymore, and you can thank pieces of shit like "soldja boy" for that. when i do listen, i go right for classic rock stations because no matter how many times i hear the rolling stones sing "brown sugar," i never get sick of it. the cd's in my changer are from bands (yes, bands, if that is a concept anyone can understand anymore) i've been listening to since i was in high school, middle school even.
i don't want to be biased, some of the songs are shit, but they had a certain je ne sais quoi (originality--ha!) that made them....something. and maybe i'm getting old (did my parents feel this way when they witnessed the shift from the beatles, rolling stones, hendrix, zepplin, pink floyd and the who to poison, milli vanilli and culture club?) but it just makes me.....sad. it's like watching something that has somehow become a part of me get shit on and dug through even more shit. it's really shitty shit.
but so, in memorandum, i'm going to sit here and write about the top 20 songs (because i'm just bored enough and drunk enough to do so, and frankly, i'm kind of afraid that if i don't preserve these memories now, the shitty shitty shit will eventually annihilate any memory of good music i ever had. so.
21.) My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion--i am including this, even though it's #21, because it's fucking my heart will go on. to this day, a DECADE later, this song still gives me chills and makes me cry. looking back (sans the "i'm going to marry leonardo dicaprio" rose colored glasses) titanic fucking sucked as a movie, but if this song was the one good thing to come out of it, james horner and james cameron deserve a spot in heaven somewhere. even if it is buried at sea.
20.) MMMBop, Hanson--these guys always kind of made me want to kill myself and now that i know (thanks to vh1) that they're all married with children i kind of want to kill myself even more. that being said, they were all like, kids. kids capable of producing something on the radio better than the shit that is currently bouncing around on the airwaves. so.....mmmmmkudos to you.
19.) Sabotage, Beastie Boys--so, i never really heard this song until i was trying to drunkenly sing it on rock band, which was a disaster. i eventually gave up and just started screaming random words into the microphone and did better than i did actually trying. fantastic.
18.) Enter Sandman, Metallica--this is my unofficial alma mater fight song, so i pretty much sing it in my sleep during footballl season. that being said, it should totally have achieved a higher ranking than the next song. my name is metallica, and i hate destiny's child.
17.) Say My Name, Destiny's Child--I don't remember being overly affected by this song, though i do remember riding in thomasina's eclipse and playing "bugaboo" really loud into the cell phone because some guy i had dated wouldn't leave me alone even though i broke up with him. does that count?
16.) You Can't Touch This, MC Hammer--i so totally had a dance routine to this song, complete with hammer pants, so i can't hate. i will tell you that i quote this song whenever someone is trying to take something away from me. it's obnoxious, but it works.
15.) Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers-- my brother and i once got into a fight over who wrote this song. he says frusciante, i say kiedes. according to vh1, i win, broham. in any case, i love these guys and love this song, even thought it's not one of my favorites.
14.) Vision of Love, Mariah Carey--i think mariah used to be really talented back in the day but can't sing worth shit anymore even with her diamond encrusted microphone. she was on idol gives back and i had to change the channel because all her hand gestures imitating her "range" were sending me into epileptic shock.
13.) Nuthin' But a G Thang, Dr. Dre--you won't hear me say this often, but this is when rap used to be good. this is some shit i can roll down the windows on my impala (honda accord) and blast while i roll through my hood (nice white people neighborhood) and flip off the po-lice ( flip off the po-lice.)
12.) You (You, You) Outta Know--Alanis Morrisette--i have sung this song drunkenly into my hairbrush on numerous counts as testament for why i don't need the piece of shit that just broke my heart anymore. this was the only alanis album i ever owned. isn't it ironic?
11.) Jeremy, Pearl Jam--my favorite number, my favorite band. i will never forget the first time i saw this video, which is now a lost art in my opinion. seemed a harmless, little fuck. i wish they'd come up with a new way to say this, but they just don't make them like they used to.
10.) Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinnead O'Connor-- i think i saw this video for the first time on some channel when i was going through my "he who shall not be named" breakup. i ended up drinking half a bottle of JD and watching "the way we were" on the floor of my bedroom later and crying uncontrollably that night. not the best memory to connect to a song but at the very least it was heartbreakingly real, which is something i'm not sure exists anymore.
9.) Losing My Religion, R.E.M-- it might just be an indicator that i suck at life, but i don't have anything to connect this song to. and yet, i know every single word. i'm not sure how that's possible, to not realize that you know something but at the same time can sing it in your sleep, but i'm pretty sure that's a sign of a song worth listening to.
8.) Waterfalls, TLC--i remember being on a school bus when i found out that the song i was hearing on the radio was about aids. i don't know what to make of that, it's just what i remember.
7.) Baby One More Time, Britney Spears--oh, brit-brit. how the mighty have fallen.
6.) Baby Got Back, Sir Mix a Lot--while i love ghetto booty as much as the next person, seriously....number six? one of the best memories i have is singing and dancing to this song at 4H camp with spud, eric, nathan and jake and i never remember i actually have that memory until i hear that song.
5.) Vogue, Madonna--she may look the crypt keeper nowadays, but back in the day she was the "female pimps to end all pimps." or something. it was during this segment that i realized how terrifying it must be to grow old, especially as such an icon of a generation. it's like, when do you just say enough is enough and let go? is it better to be immortalized by suicide or drug overdose than go out looking like a ripened old hag? i don't know the answer, i'm just asking.
4.) I Will Always Love you, Whitney Houston--another one of those songs associated with a shit movie but somehow still gives me the chills. i really hope and pray that there is life after bobby and crack for this woman.
3.) I Want It That Way, Backstreet Boys--i want you to go away, but here you still are, stealing the top 10 spotlight from some much more talented people, much like you did in the 90s. piss off.
2.) One, U2--so i'm pretty sure that if i ever found a genie in a bottle like, 100 years ago, and he asked me who i'd like to come back as in my new life, i'd pick bono (or oprah) . not because of the sunglasses, but because of the music and the positively good things you can do for the word if people like you enough. that's the one thing i find most frustrating about my own existence; i have to do something people will care about in order to be able to afford to do what i care about. me thinks there is a flaw in the system.
1.) Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana--surprise! i had this deodorant, yes really. the scent was california something or other and it smelled like oranges. i kind of wish i could find it somewhere, in the same way i wish i could just "find" kurt standing somewhere, like at walgreens in the isle where you buy cough drops. but sadly, i won't, and the world is a less crazyawesome place because of it.
so, long story short, i think people just don't care anymore. not just in music, but everywhere. people take short-cuts and the easy way out because our society condones it. gone are the days of using your imagination to create something brilliant, distinctive and unique. we're almost to the point where we're comfortable now with accepting the fact that we're de-volving as a species. i know i'm just talking about music, but look around, are you okay with that?
if so, my first thought is, "oh well, whatever, never mind," but my gut tells me, "come on. you can do better."