Scared

[biailisha]

I feel so alone. I feel so scared of being stigmatized or laughed at because my chiuuldhood sexual abuse perpetrator was female. I am so scared for not having any relationship (family children) ever as if I were damage goods. I feel like a coward for not toughing it out silently as if life goes on. I feel scared that people just say I am creating drama from nothing, everyone has problems. I feel trapped in my own mind. I don't even know if there is any support group since most perpetrators are male but mine was female. I am scared because I feel like I am too old, just past mid 40s, to start over and have a second chance in life. I'm scared because I know my situation is virtually unique in this country (unless a victim comes from FLDS or similar family dynamics), so probably no therapist can handle it. I am scared because my type of disability means most venues for me to start over life is automatically closed. No wonder victims self harm or even commit suicide, because they feel there was no way out. I feel that I am inside the dark tunnel I have no idea how deep and wide, and no idea which way to find out the end of it.
I am just thankful that while I am not rich, I can afford to pay rent and the basics which allow me to completely stop my life for as long as I need to heal.