(no subject)
well here this goes..... i kno i havent been updating..... but i havent been at skewl or at tha library..... i've been locked ^....... for a couple of days...... an well it sux..... cus i realized how much i miss ange, and jason, and jordan..... an how much i really wanna talk to them.... but i couldnt...... an i proally wont be able to this summer..... cus i kno my dad is gonna try to get me put back in juvenile..... an i kno he's gonna try to get me locked up for a long time...... an it hurts so much to know that u caint talk to ur best friend cus she has better things to do or her brothers are always wantin' to do sumthin' when i call her.... an like along time ago i called her and we talked for 5 minutes and her brother needed tha internet to do sumthing.... an when i got off tha fone it hurt cus i know were not that close anymore..... an we'll proally never be close again..... but it wouldnt hurt ta try to talk to me would it? i mean tell ur brother to do it sum other time.... like when ur friends down there call u and not me, cus its wastin' my time and gettin' my hopes up an all i wanna really know is how have u been....... is that too much?
i have 10 stitches in my right arm....... i took a butcher knife and jus stabbed myself.... it hurt.... i was in tha emergency room all nite one nite...... i'm pushin' all tha ppl i care about here away.... which is only a few.... tha others i caint stand..... i feel like i'm not wanted..... that ppl front.... an say they life me when really.... they dont..... an like me, crystal, amber, sheena and brittany arent friends nomore..... their such bitches..... its gettin' on my nerves......this one guy named Jay i've been talkin' too has been helpin' me alot with my problems.... and i've learned alot.... He asked me why i stabbed myself an i told him because there is nobody i can talk to about it that has been thru it and nobody that cares about me..... i mean i feel like Kristen Dunst in Crazy/Beautiful...... like i just wanna SCREAM at ppl an let them know i'm here..... an if i SCREAM wat if they still caint here me? wat if they do wat they have done before? wat if they ignore me summore?
i havent said a word to crystal, amber, sheena since Monday.......... or no since Friday.... cus they handed me tha note..... an i started cryin'........ i mean burst out tears..... it hurt so much to kno that my FRIENDS...... MY FRIENDS....... felt that way about me..... i mean i knew everybody wouldnt like me..... but to act like u like me for so however long..... an then jus start tellin' me...... how would u feel? i mean i have to deal with everybodys shit.... i get so fuckin' tired of it..... i mean it hurts so much it feels like my heart isnt even pumpin'....... an when it does pump it doesnt feel like it...... it feels like its out of my body on tha floor....... wat do u think of my life.....
sumtimes i think wat would happen if i shut everybody outta my life.... i would loose jordan, an everybody.... maybe it would be better....... cus then i wouldnt have to cry over jordans shit.... an i wouldnt be so pissed off cus tha guy i love proally doesnt even love me..... an that burns way much more than friends..... u can always get new friends..... but there are sum friends like ange and mike and jason an them that i would cry over losing as a friend..... but anyone else i would really be hurt.... unless i grew up with u, ya kno?
another day in my boring life.... well i gotta go.....