Choking on your alibis_But it's just the price I pay

Apr 14, 2005 23:58

**alrighty so heres the deal...shawn cheated on me. Some of you may not think that what he did is considered cheating...but if you ask me, you really dont do that to someone you truley care about and maybe thats the problem. He kissed my friend Jen like 3 days after he asked me out...That was like a month ago but i just found out yesterday. Leniece told me in 4th hr that jen told her that her and shawn kissed. I was pretty upset. I asked jen about it and she explained to me what happend and i believe her b/c shes a TRUSTWORTHY person. And when i confronted shawn about it he denied the whole thing for like a half hour...and im not dumb so i got it out of him and he told me. I cried b/c thats what i do when i get upset and cant handle situations...i cry. So i tell him i can never trust him and that ill never forgive him b/c i wont..and it will never be the same b/c this is twice now that its happend to me and maybe the first time really didnt count but i told him b4 we started going out that its hard for me not to shut ppl out of my life...I thought he understood that it was really hard for me to gain trust in people and to open up to people and i shove ppl out of my life so i didnt get hurt...and thats what i was doing when we first started talking i pushed him away... maybe that would have been the smart thing to do...i didnt want to get involved w/ relationships and love and all that bullshit b/c ive seen my share of heart aces and i knew that i never wanted to go through that and everyone ive let in my life has done nothing but gain my trust and shove it back in my face... and i didnt want to do that again. And i was right.... i dont know why im the only person i dont trust...y dont i listen to myself when i give myself advice i dont konw y maybe its because i think that maybe this time itd be different and maybe he learned this time and maybe he does care about me now and maybe he doesnt really want to hurt me maybe...but then the other side of me says yeah well maybe hes just another guy maybe he doesnt really care and maybe he didnt learn maybe hes never going to learn and maybe i shouldnt waste my time making excuses for everyone and everything b/c thats not my job...but i guess i just cant face truth and i guess ill never be able to b/c i just keep doing the same god damn thing to myself..im setting myself up for dissaster and its only a matter of time b4 i find out another hidden fact about my oh so honest relationships w/ the ppl around me HOW MANY CHANCES DO I HAVE TO HAND OUT B4 PPL START REALIZING THAT I CANT HANDLE THIS THAT A PERSON CAN ONLY GO THROW SO MUCH UNTIL THEY SHUT OUT THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IM TIRED OF THINKING OH MAYBE THIS TIME IT'LL BE DIFFERENT AND ALL THE LIES IN MY LIFE ARE REALLY OVER THEY'RE NEVER OVER!!!!

and if you havent noticed its not just about the kiss ne more or just about shawn im just tired of all the lying around me and i dont want to deal w/ all the different story lines that have been pitched to me i really cant listen to another excuse...
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