Crying can actually make your eyes explode....
If I tell you that my daughter for some reason finds me so repulsive that she could never buy (unsanitizable) clothes at a store I have shopped at, since the mere possibility of me having brushed against it while browsing would make it permanently, irrevocably tainted… and that this sort of thing has been happening for years, including a period of well over a year when my daughter did not touch me (or accept objects I tried to hand her) at all… and that my daughter’s strongest desire is to go away to college early, in order to move to a place which will be clean (as long as I never visit)…. Here are some things NOT to say:
- “Teenagers are like that.”
- “Congratulations on early acceptance to college! We can help you work out the finances.”
- “Well, I’d never tolerate that kind of behavior.”
- Any sentence starting with “Why don’t you just…”
- Laughing, chuckling, grinning. Pretty much any reaction that conveys you think the whole situation is funny.
And here’s where I should be listing what would be good to say…. Huh. A much harder prospect.
One friend simply replied, “I can’t imagine how painful this must be.” That was helpful. (So, #6, comparing it to your own child’s fleeting insults is not generally helpful.)
Recognizing that a problem years in the making will take a long time to resolve, and that the long process will most likely continue to be excruciatingly painful the entire time. (So, #7, trite comments about “She’ll get over it,” or “This will pass,” are not hugely reassuring.)
When it suddenly occurs to you that it would have been a good idea to work on this more directly and effectively ages ago when the issues were smaller and less entrenched, don’t tell us that. Don’t assume that we haven’t realized this ourselves already, and haven’t already spent abundant time beating ourselves up over what we should have done before. (#8: offering solutions which are a few months or years late, not helpful. Even currently applicable solutions are often not practical, and I may not be able to adequately explain why (my apologies; I know how frustrating it is to have your ideas turned down without apparent reason). Many suggestions we have already tried in some form, and most which offer short-term relief actually reinforce the long-term issues. This is how we got to this point: not by ignoring problems, but by applying the wrong solutions.)
Generally good: just offering sympathy, listening when I need to vent, offering to play or talk about other things or go do something when I need to take a break from my own head, and being forgiving when I’m not able to go do things (by still inviting me the next time - every so often my free time and my emotional stability will sync up and enable me to do stuff). Not getting all awkward when I keep randomly crying -- honest, it's nothingyou said, it's just what I do these days. Oh, also offering to help me put in erythromycin eye ointment; I seem to have a scrape on my cornea, which was getting better, but the past weekend's crying jag seems to have torn it back open. Only fair; I think that's how I got it in the first place.
I’ve been working nearly 80hr/wk since April. That schedule ends in two weeks. Being home more… actually rather daunting.