(no subject)
I feel so low, so sad right now. This summer is turning out to be horrible. I look back at how happy I was at this date one year ago and I can't even grasp how much my life has changed. Its like a bad dream that just won't end. Its as if all the momentum in my life has come to a complete halt. I started sliding backwards back in May and everyday that passes the speed picks up. Spinning out of control, trying to keep my head above the water, I feel so lost. Sometimes its too much for me. I used to cry and afterwords I would feel better, like I had "let it all out". But now when I cry it doesn't help. The tears stop, my eyes burn, my stomach turns and I end up doubled over, dry heaving because of all the anxiety inside of me. I lay in bed, my head pounding, my chest is sore and my hands shake. We have all heard of stories where a spouse is widowed and ends up dying shortly after. The doctors say that after one of them left this earth it was too much for the other. That they simply didn't have the will to keep on living. Thats how I feel.
But its so much more then him leaving me. Its Muncie, its Ball State, its my parents messy divorce. Its too much and everyday that goes by only confirms my fears that I will not be able to recover from this summer; at least not in the near future. I want to escape, I want to go somewhere that I will be happy. But I know of no such place. Everywhere I can think of is tainted with past memories, memories that torment and haunt me. Times I cannot let go of. I am becoming emotionally dead. I can't remember the last time I felt 100% carefree and happy. The only feelings I have inside of me now are those of sorrow, loss, and pain. However the worse one of all, a void that has been left in my life, one I don't think I will ever be able to fill.
But its so much more then him leaving me. Its Muncie, its Ball State, its my parents messy divorce. Its too much and everyday that goes by only confirms my fears that I will not be able to recover from this summer; at least not in the near future. I want to escape, I want to go somewhere that I will be happy. But I know of no such place. Everywhere I can think of is tainted with past memories, memories that torment and haunt me. Times I cannot let go of. I am becoming emotionally dead. I can't remember the last time I felt 100% carefree and happy. The only feelings I have inside of me now are those of sorrow, loss, and pain. However the worse one of all, a void that has been left in my life, one I don't think I will ever be able to fill.