(no subject)
So I just got back from my first day of summer class, what joy! I made the horrible choice to walk to campus from my house, and I felt like I was going to melt. I really want a bike.
I'm still fighting for some sort of tuition aid, if I can't find some way to pay for school by the end of this week I'm going to have to drop out. Its really sad, I've wasted so much money going to BSU paying out-of-state tuition, all for someone who is leaving me. Yet people tell me I shouldn't be bitter. If I can't pay for school and I have to drop out, it will be the death of me. There is no way I can start paying my student loans without my B.S. I'll have to default and god knows what. I'm losing everything because of him. I hope he has fun in Chicago and Grad School. If I had just stayed in Ohio, if I had been selfish and only thought about me this wouldn't be happening. I hope one day when I'm broke and poor (oh wait I already am) and he has his Masters, his career and some new boy to replace me, he will look back and see how much I sacrificed to be with him.
This is all too much for me. Him leaving me, my parents divorcing, struggling to find someway to pay for school; I feel so incredibly numb to everything around me. I guess I'm in shock that this is happening to me, that this is how my life is turning out to be.
If I didn't have my mom I don't know what I would do. I scare myself, but sometimes I sit back and can understand what was goes through the minds of people who take their lives, when they feel like they have lost everything.
I'm not going to attempt taking my life, I know I'd fail. That would just be another thing to add to my long list of failures.
I've been watching this movie over and over again call "DownFall". Its an amazing German movie about the last days of Nazi Germany and the fall of Berlin. There are certain themes that continue in the movie, suicide when your world is ending and the shock people feel when they can't believe whats happening around them. But I love this one line where one of the co-stars reminds Traudl Junge (Hitlers secretary) who is crying and shaking that, "life will go on, it always does somehow" (sic) And thats what I tell myself, that somehow life will go on. I don't know how it will, but somehow my life will go on.
I'm still fighting for some sort of tuition aid, if I can't find some way to pay for school by the end of this week I'm going to have to drop out. Its really sad, I've wasted so much money going to BSU paying out-of-state tuition, all for someone who is leaving me. Yet people tell me I shouldn't be bitter. If I can't pay for school and I have to drop out, it will be the death of me. There is no way I can start paying my student loans without my B.S. I'll have to default and god knows what. I'm losing everything because of him. I hope he has fun in Chicago and Grad School. If I had just stayed in Ohio, if I had been selfish and only thought about me this wouldn't be happening. I hope one day when I'm broke and poor (oh wait I already am) and he has his Masters, his career and some new boy to replace me, he will look back and see how much I sacrificed to be with him.
This is all too much for me. Him leaving me, my parents divorcing, struggling to find someway to pay for school; I feel so incredibly numb to everything around me. I guess I'm in shock that this is happening to me, that this is how my life is turning out to be.
If I didn't have my mom I don't know what I would do. I scare myself, but sometimes I sit back and can understand what was goes through the minds of people who take their lives, when they feel like they have lost everything.
I'm not going to attempt taking my life, I know I'd fail. That would just be another thing to add to my long list of failures.
I've been watching this movie over and over again call "DownFall". Its an amazing German movie about the last days of Nazi Germany and the fall of Berlin. There are certain themes that continue in the movie, suicide when your world is ending and the shock people feel when they can't believe whats happening around them. But I love this one line where one of the co-stars reminds Traudl Junge (Hitlers secretary) who is crying and shaking that, "life will go on, it always does somehow" (sic) And thats what I tell myself, that somehow life will go on. I don't know how it will, but somehow my life will go on.