I finally found the words to describe me...
"Destructively altruistic". Altruistic in that I tend to have a selfless concern for the welfare of others. Destructive in the fact that my altruistic-ness seems to make me miserable sometimes and I sometimes find myself doing something I don't want to do just to benefit somebody else.
I feel perhaps like I just care too much about other people or about trying to do the right thing, and that maybe sometimes I just ought to do the wrong thing if it benefits me. Ideally, I want to do the right thing not because of any religious belief or anything like that, but because I hope that people will do the same likewise, both to me and to others. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, and while I do only do nice things to those who deserve my kindness, I often wonder if I'm putting in more than I get out of being nice.
There's things I've wanted to tell people that I haven't said because I felt if I did say such things, I would ruin their lives. Seriously, I know it sounds incredibly dumb, but I've caused problems for some people in the past, way back when I was in high school, and I decided that I didn't want to do that anymore. Maybe I need to stop worrying about what other people think about me or that I'm gonna cause problems and just do what I need to in order to do better?
I don't always talk about these things since I don't want to seem like some emo bitch or some pity whore, but I guess from time to time I shouldn't be afraid to write things down.
I feel perhaps like I just care too much about other people or about trying to do the right thing, and that maybe sometimes I just ought to do the wrong thing if it benefits me. Ideally, I want to do the right thing not because of any religious belief or anything like that, but because I hope that people will do the same likewise, both to me and to others. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, and while I do only do nice things to those who deserve my kindness, I often wonder if I'm putting in more than I get out of being nice.
There's things I've wanted to tell people that I haven't said because I felt if I did say such things, I would ruin their lives. Seriously, I know it sounds incredibly dumb, but I've caused problems for some people in the past, way back when I was in high school, and I decided that I didn't want to do that anymore. Maybe I need to stop worrying about what other people think about me or that I'm gonna cause problems and just do what I need to in order to do better?
I don't always talk about these things since I don't want to seem like some emo bitch or some pity whore, but I guess from time to time I shouldn't be afraid to write things down.