a tad bit angry u might say...
Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart
yes, i know that's a J.lo song.
yes, i know that's sick.
yes, i should kill myself for posting that here.
but i wont.
much updating to do so little time... the bed is calling and i want to sleep off thed hangover that is life.
john called when i was over at matt's on friday. he sounded upset and had left a message telling me is was important and that he needed to speak with me. so i called him back. i thought maybe his dad was in the hospital or something. close, his best friend rob's dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. convo lasted oh, 2 minutes. still wanted to die.
then this morning john called... and i shouldn't have answered it. it started off with "are you and i still going to the divinity destroyed show tomorrow?" shit. i forgot! so i am cuz it's divinity destroyed and any band with electric tape on their arms is hawt. so then the convo started to get bad... he mentioned something about there's so many things he wants to tell me... and eventually it poured out... he was crying, i was crying, there were tears and emotions everywhere. john was telling me how he misses me and how he's so sorrie for everything he's said to me about Jon, and about suicide, and what i think, and he apologized for not trying to understand, and for what he said wed. and all i could say was it's too late john, it's too damn late... u already said it, and i can't forget it. u told me that if i was gonna break up with ou i should do it now and save us the trouble. u declared i didn't care for you, that i didn't love you. you told me that i'd never find someone like you again; that i'd never have a relationship like this again.
you know what john, you tell me how the fuck you think that makes me feel? worthless? trapped? how bout abused?
john told me that he was starting to see things thru my eyes, and how he can kinda understand why i cut myself, and he can kinda understand the suicide thing. cuz it's not a little too late now john...
you told me that anyone who killed themselves, or tried to was weak. that they were stupid, and deserved to die anyhow. so now not only have i been told how i feel about him, but that i'm weak and stupid and deserve to die.
fuck you.
matt called when i was on the phone.
i went to his house after i hung up, or i fear what i would have done. he didn't help much, well he did, but he didn't try, he just hugged me. i feel safe in his arms.
i left at 2 to take jackie to julia's.
came back and went to cvs and then went to some salon and got myu eyebrows waxed. figured if i get caught hurting myself, it's bad, but if i paysomeone to scorch my face with hot wax then rip my hair out painfully, it's much more acceptible. i then went home and talked to my mom.
really talked to her.
i told her about how i tried to kill myself a month ago, and now she's sending me to a doctor...
cuz that will help
thank god i didn't tell her about my other habit...
went to work, that sucked.
after work went with a good friend to delila's den. it's a strip club. it was mo fun. i'm broke
so i got my own lap dance. it was cool. i could be a stripper if i wanted. and i lost the boy band that is my belly... it is highly suggested that one goes there... it was much fun.
came home.
told mom that playing pool was fun, and that i suck terribly at it (my cover) and yeah all was well.
called john to verify plans for tomorrow. i think i'm going to break up with him, but i keep saying i can't this is too difficult. it's gonna be so awkward tomorrow. should i hold hands? hug? pretend we're just friends? i dunno
i'm scared.
oh and whoever left the i hate myself and want to die post... please leave ur name, or a clue so i know who u are.. i have a feeling, but i'm not sure...
bed wins, i'm off
-V.C.
Notes:
samm... you shouldn't have to go through anything you don't want to... maybe you're right in thinking that things are over with john and maybe you're wrong, i don't know so i won't judge... but babe don't do anything outrageously stupid, please... we love ya too much. [NemYo Productions]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not having a "give-good-advice-day", but I'll try to cheer you up: I was at work and a saw a bag of Doritos and I though, "Maybe I'll eat some on Monday and then go 'pooo' right in Samm's face."
Things could be worse, you know. A spider could crawl under the skin of your face and lay eggs, and a few days later a bunch of bebe spiders could come busting out your nostrils. [Suburban Prophet]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
awww.... samm... i'm sorry, hunnie... *hugs* [SynnoveaEvael]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
way to to be as supportive as a bra lacking underwire john... jerk... [ElNeneEnLaPiscina]
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart
yes, i know that's a J.lo song.
yes, i know that's sick.
yes, i should kill myself for posting that here.
but i wont.
much updating to do so little time... the bed is calling and i want to sleep off thed hangover that is life.
john called when i was over at matt's on friday. he sounded upset and had left a message telling me is was important and that he needed to speak with me. so i called him back. i thought maybe his dad was in the hospital or something. close, his best friend rob's dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. convo lasted oh, 2 minutes. still wanted to die.
then this morning john called... and i shouldn't have answered it. it started off with "are you and i still going to the divinity destroyed show tomorrow?" shit. i forgot! so i am cuz it's divinity destroyed and any band with electric tape on their arms is hawt. so then the convo started to get bad... he mentioned something about there's so many things he wants to tell me... and eventually it poured out... he was crying, i was crying, there were tears and emotions everywhere. john was telling me how he misses me and how he's so sorrie for everything he's said to me about Jon, and about suicide, and what i think, and he apologized for not trying to understand, and for what he said wed. and all i could say was it's too late john, it's too damn late... u already said it, and i can't forget it. u told me that if i was gonna break up with ou i should do it now and save us the trouble. u declared i didn't care for you, that i didn't love you. you told me that i'd never find someone like you again; that i'd never have a relationship like this again.
you know what john, you tell me how the fuck you think that makes me feel? worthless? trapped? how bout abused?
john told me that he was starting to see things thru my eyes, and how he can kinda understand why i cut myself, and he can kinda understand the suicide thing. cuz it's not a little too late now john...
you told me that anyone who killed themselves, or tried to was weak. that they were stupid, and deserved to die anyhow. so now not only have i been told how i feel about him, but that i'm weak and stupid and deserve to die.
fuck you.
matt called when i was on the phone.
i went to his house after i hung up, or i fear what i would have done. he didn't help much, well he did, but he didn't try, he just hugged me. i feel safe in his arms.
i left at 2 to take jackie to julia's.
came back and went to cvs and then went to some salon and got myu eyebrows waxed. figured if i get caught hurting myself, it's bad, but if i paysomeone to scorch my face with hot wax then rip my hair out painfully, it's much more acceptible. i then went home and talked to my mom.
really talked to her.
i told her about how i tried to kill myself a month ago, and now she's sending me to a doctor...
cuz that will help
thank god i didn't tell her about my other habit...
went to work, that sucked.
after work went with a good friend to delila's den. it's a strip club. it was mo fun. i'm broke
so i got my own lap dance. it was cool. i could be a stripper if i wanted. and i lost the boy band that is my belly... it is highly suggested that one goes there... it was much fun.
came home.
told mom that playing pool was fun, and that i suck terribly at it (my cover) and yeah all was well.
called john to verify plans for tomorrow. i think i'm going to break up with him, but i keep saying i can't this is too difficult. it's gonna be so awkward tomorrow. should i hold hands? hug? pretend we're just friends? i dunno
i'm scared.
oh and whoever left the i hate myself and want to die post... please leave ur name, or a clue so i know who u are.. i have a feeling, but i'm not sure...
bed wins, i'm off
-V.C.
Notes:
samm... you shouldn't have to go through anything you don't want to... maybe you're right in thinking that things are over with john and maybe you're wrong, i don't know so i won't judge... but babe don't do anything outrageously stupid, please... we love ya too much. [NemYo Productions]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not having a "give-good-advice-day", but I'll try to cheer you up: I was at work and a saw a bag of Doritos and I though, "Maybe I'll eat some on Monday and then go 'pooo' right in Samm's face."
Things could be worse, you know. A spider could crawl under the skin of your face and lay eggs, and a few days later a bunch of bebe spiders could come busting out your nostrils. [Suburban Prophet]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
awww.... samm... i'm sorry, hunnie... *hugs* [SynnoveaEvael]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
way to to be as supportive as a bra lacking underwire john... jerk... [ElNeneEnLaPiscina]