Fic: Object(ive) Conversations (ensemble, objects) PG-13
Title: Object(ive) Conversations
Author:
bfragrant
Pairing/Character: ensemble, objects
Word Count: 2112
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes, they might be the only ones that care.
Spoilers: 3-01
Warnings: Crack!fic. No material for serious reading here folks. I’m not even sure if they will let me post it. It’s that ridiculous.
Disclaimer: I don’t own it. And I don’t care.
A/N I read this fic called “Black Holes And Revelations” by
afrocurl a way back. Her character was a talking, thinking toothbrush (Logan’s toothbrush to be exact). It was hilarious, so I thought what if more objects talked? And I wrote this. It’s downright silly, but I needed something fun to clear my mind. Enjoy (Run away! Run away!) :)
A/N Well you can leave feedback if you want. No pressure…
---
You think their sole purpose is to be used and forgotten. In fact, you probably have used them and forgot them. What you don’t know is that they never forget you. Sometimes, when all life does is bring about pain, they might be the only ones that care…
---
Shot Glass/ Letter
“Dear Lilly, you know that I love you but I can’t keep doing this to myself anymore. You are not happy, and neither am I. I think it’s time we went our separate ways. I might not have the heart to be your lover but remember that I will always be your friend. Yours forever, Logan. P.S I bought you a shot glass in Tijuana to add to your collection. I hope you like it.”
“That…that was just beautiful. Such a delicate boy”
“Yes, I know. And he cried while he was writing in me too. I could actually taste his tears. His hands shook the whole time.”
“I wonder what the girl…what was her name again?”
“Lilly”
“Yes, Lilly. I wonder what she will do when she reads it. I wonder what she is like; she is my new owner after all.”
“She seems like a little heartbreaker to me. Wait, someone’s coming.”
“Well, well. What do we have here? Came around at last, huh Logan. God, you are so predictable”.
“Oh she’s reading me…She looks like…huh?
“Logan, as if I would ever care. You are the biggest loser I have ever met” Lilly giggled as she threw the letter out of the window.
“Oh My God! I hope she doesn’t break me!”
Ashtray/Sun Tan Lotion/ Magazine
“Goody! She’s coming down to the pool! I love spending time with her. Now if she only smoked and left her ashes in me, I would be in heaven”
“Keep dreaming, old man. Lilly Kane would never smoke. It would ruin her soft creamy skin. And you know how much I like sliding around it”
“Don’t be a tease, jerk! Remember, when you are finished the only place you’ll be sliding in is the garbage. I have seen naïve sun tan lotions like you, always believing that they are her one and only. They never are, there’s always a more competent one to replace them. A sun tan lotion that does its job quicker and far more delicately. You will join the pile of sun tan lotions that Lilly Kane used and then tossed away. I have been sitting near this pool for 10 years now. I am permanent. Surely a day will come when she will have a use for me. She has all the time in world to use me, that scrumptious Lilly Kane.”
“Oh shut up, old man. You are just jealous. Hey! Who is that guy walking over? He looks oddly familiar…”
“Hmm, I think that’s her boyfriend’s father. I think he is a movie star or something. Lilly must have made his son cry again. She always makes that Logan boy cry. He once sat near the pool, clearly drunk and just cried for hours”.
“What are they…?”
“Lilly, give me the tapes, now.”
“Like, what, you don't see yourself enough on film?”
“I want those tapes, you stupid little bitch.”
“Hey why is he cursing at her? How dare he scream such words to her?”
“That bastard!”
“Oh, I’m the stupid one? Well, now you can just watch the tapes on “Access Hollywood” along with the rest of America”.
“Wait, what is he doing? Why did he pick me up? Lilly watch out! Aaaaagh! No, wait I can’t swim!”
“Lilly! Lilly? No. I…I have to call the police”
“Hush now, sun tan lotion. We can’t do anything. They will never listen to us. I guess Lilly Kane got to use the ashtray after all. It’s a damn shame really. She was just fabulous”.
Puka shell Necklace/ Messenger Bag.
“Hey, hey, hey! Watch it! Can’t your owner watch where he is going?”
“What the hell do you mean watch where he is going? She is the one who bumped into him. Lady, like get a life.”
“Na-ah! He bumped into her, on purpose! He always does that, just so he can call her bad names. He is immature like that.”
“He is in no way immature. He can drink seven glasses of whiskey straight up and then go and surf. He catches the waves too. He is as grown up as he can get”
“Grown up, my ass. He mocks her, constantly, like the juvenile delinquent that he is. He is a bastard. A rich prick just like the rest of them. They spend their lives partying and drinking just to forget who they are. They are little lost boys with plenty of money and not enough love. They probably know nothing about love. My owner on the other hand, knows what it’s like. She has the greatest father in the world. Can you say the same about your own owner?”
“…”
“Can you?”
“Oh would you look at that? We are leaving this truly boring, I-have-just-wasted-precious-seconds-of-my-life-talking-to-you conversation. Snark you later, bella!”
“Jackass”
Messenger Bag/ Puka Shell Necklace
“I can’t believe that they are making out like bunnies. It’s just so wrong…”
“…its right” Veronica giggled as she clutched Logan’s shirt.
“That wasn’t what I was going to say.”
“I…I…had trouble breathing there for a second. They were holding each other so tight that I nearly suffocated between them”
“Really? Damn. I can’t believe that I’m going to say this but I wish they had sucked face for a couple of minutes more if it would get rid off you”.
“You are a total bitch you know that?”
“I see that you always retort to insults. Well I would too if I didn’t have a brain that could form complete sentences”
“…”
“I love how I can render you speechless”
“I was speechless due to the fact that you are a huge hypocrite”
“Oh? How so?
“Well you are talking about how I can do nothing but insult you while you are clearly insulting me.”
“I…”
“I’d learn more staying here with you”
“I have things to do”
“This going to end badly isn’t it Puka?”
“Yeah. They are totally going to crash and burn”
Le Baron/ Surf Board
“Yo, rust bucket!”
“What do want?”
“I heard that your master made you run over a surf board the other day.”
“So, what’s it to you? Don’t worry that was a special circumstance.”
“No shit man, it’s just that the deceased is the dick head that had replaced me. My master had him custom made. The little shit was mocking me for my glory days being over. Who’s laughing now, huh? I just wanted to say thanks man, to you and your master. You guys just rock. Because of you guys, my owner will only ride me and I can feel the waves lick my body. Score!”
Xterra
“Look at them making out like everything is alright. Everything is not all right but they sure do like to compartmentalize. That Mars girl is going to take his heart and smash it to pieces. Just like that Kane girl did. My poor boy, he can never catch a break can he? I see heartbreak in his future, and lots of it. I wish I could do something to change it, to change fate. Alas it’s out of my hands. I am the one who remembers what happened at the bridge yet I can’t tell anyone. The bridge…or the bridge of doom as I like to call it. I was so scared for him, thinking he would commit suicide for a girl who couldn’t care less. He cries, he always cries. He cried when he wrote that letter to the Kane girl, he cried when that Mars girl accused him of rape…his life has been internal and external tears. He seldom shows people his external ones, but I know how the internal ones soak him inside. How they fall rapidly into the depths of his heart. He thinks that nobody cares. It is true that nobody of the human variety do. I wish I could tell him that he has to care about himself first. It all comes down to him. Love thy self, and the rest will sort itself out.”.
“Wait. What are you saying? You're not pretty?”
“What I'm trying to say is I'm in love with you.”
“Oh, my boy. Wait, is that a motorcycle I hear?”
Argyle Sweater
“I had such a laugh today. My master lent me to his best friend. His girlfriend laid down on top of said best friend thinking that he was her boyfriend. She then threw a hissy fit. It was all so amusing. Oh the kids nowadays, everything is filled with drama”.
The Gun
“I ruin lives. That’s my job. I make people bleed, their blood gushing out of their bodies. I am a device for hate, my bullets shoot through people’s hearts, tearing them apart, making them stop beating...forever. Yet, during my long career, the only time I truly tore a heart and made it bleed, was when my trigger wasn’t pulled. Words can do what bullets can’t. Make you bleed, slowly, painfully from the inside. It hurts so much that you just wish that I shot you. Death by bullets, my friends, is the easy way out.”
“Given your situation, you should just move out of Neptune.”
The Slushies
“Oh, he totally digs her”
“He is so dreamy looking. I wonder if he would like a sip from me. I’m quite tasty handsome!”
“I can tell you who he wants to sip. The blondie who is selling us. He is so obvious.”
“What's your poison?”
“Say red, say red!”
“No, orange! Oh how I would like to have his mouth on me!”
“I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.”
“Aaaa. No fair.”
“Sorry, ladies. But the best juice won”.
The Red Balloon
“Why does that blond buffoon keep staring at me? Hello? stop it, it’s annoying me. Stop it I say!”
The Oscar
“I object your honour! I did not kill a teenage girl. I have never been in close contact with said girl. Somebody is clearly trying to sabotage me. I am innocent!”
Puka Shell Necklace/ Messenger Bag
“So long time no see, messenger. Life’s been treating you well?”
“Well yes. Although my owner did over-stuff me because of the random locker searches this year. How about you?”
“Well, my owner fucked a really sexy brunette and seduced an innocent blond. I got to peek in lots of different cleavages. Long story short I had a ball”
“You and your owner are still pigs I see. Banging the ladies being your only life mission”
“It’s better than being a know-it-all, heartbreaking bitch”
“You take that back”
“No way, sweetheart. Do you know how much your owner broke my owner’s heart? The guy was a wreck. He was hanging by a thread, he was.”
“Look, she was broken hearted too”.
“Don’t try to feed me that bullshit. She wouldn’t care…”
“Yeah, but then I'll be back and everything will be fine”
“Mm, you say that but I don't know.”
“I know. I can feel it.”
“And you're never wrong?”
“No!”
“Shit, here we go again. And I had just picked up his pieces too.”
Messenger Bag/ Puka Shell Necklace/ The Ugly Fish Décor
“Well, well, well. I see that your owner has tossed you aside finally. It was about time”
“He did not toss me aside. Your lousy owner keeps pulling at me during sex. He was afraid for my well being”
“Whatever helps you sleep through the night Puka”
“I really hate the act of fornication. Yet night after night I have sit here and witness it. First it was that brunette with the kinky stuff, which I quite enjoyed from time to time, or until they broke my nails with the thumping, and now it’s the blond with the virginal act. What’s up with that? I used to hear her with the other guy in the next room last year. Now she doesn’t know how to do it? Please! If they are going to fornicate at least make it watch-able. I’m bored to tears here!”
Argyle Sweater
“'Cause I'll tell ya up front. I'm a lover, I'm not a fighter.”
“I'm gonna try to talk to him…Nice shirt”.
“Fuck. Here we go with the drama. Again. I’m so over you teens, just give me up for charity already!!”
---
They might not talk. But they know everything that goes on in your lives. Sometimes, they are the only ones who do.
---