(no subject)
So, let's be clear. I'm writing this here because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to..
I told this guy at lunch "teach me to be like you" a joke? could've been, but it did not come out as one. he kind of jokingly brushed it off, then I said"No, really..." I can't do the voice here, but it was begging. WTF. I haven't talked to anyone here, I can probably count the sentences I've said. I'M LONELY. is it fear? am i uppity(do i feel superior)? who knows why I do what I do? So, I hid in the bathroom for the last 30 min. on the upside I sang a "hiding in the bathroom" song loud enough (from the toilet) that people down the hall could hear it. SO, around my closet friends I still feel sorta lonely, but that's not the case here: I just haven't talked to anyone. My facade of "everything's allright" came crashing to the ground. Maybe it had already decayed and I've been stubbornly trying to hide behind shards that fool no one. Maybe I had a temporarily insane moment and told the truth outloud and to myself. But regardless of possible explanations, the wall is down, so what do I do now? C.S. Lewis said he'd been living in a house built of cards and GOD the great iconoclast (the revealer of reality) knocked it down. So, now he had a choice, does he stubbornly rebuild his card house? Why not? it's the only home he ever had. I'm still scared. Whatever happens, I think the best way is to devote myself to what happened, maybe something is still crumbling. And, If I keep on, I may break it into a better shape by the grace of GOD.
I told this guy at lunch "teach me to be like you" a joke? could've been, but it did not come out as one. he kind of jokingly brushed it off, then I said"No, really..." I can't do the voice here, but it was begging. WTF. I haven't talked to anyone here, I can probably count the sentences I've said. I'M LONELY. is it fear? am i uppity(do i feel superior)? who knows why I do what I do? So, I hid in the bathroom for the last 30 min. on the upside I sang a "hiding in the bathroom" song loud enough (from the toilet) that people down the hall could hear it. SO, around my closet friends I still feel sorta lonely, but that's not the case here: I just haven't talked to anyone. My facade of "everything's allright" came crashing to the ground. Maybe it had already decayed and I've been stubbornly trying to hide behind shards that fool no one. Maybe I had a temporarily insane moment and told the truth outloud and to myself. But regardless of possible explanations, the wall is down, so what do I do now? C.S. Lewis said he'd been living in a house built of cards and GOD the great iconoclast (the revealer of reality) knocked it down. So, now he had a choice, does he stubbornly rebuild his card house? Why not? it's the only home he ever had. I'm still scared. Whatever happens, I think the best way is to devote myself to what happened, maybe something is still crumbling. And, If I keep on, I may break it into a better shape by the grace of GOD.