Fic: I'm Losing My Mind (Losing My Mind) Losing Control ~
Title: I’m Losing My Mind (Losing My Mind) Losing Control
Pairings/Characters: Steve/Danno - Team + Grace, Rachel and Matt.
Summary: Matt is back on the island.
Rating: PG+13
Warnings: Minor character death.
Word Count: 6600
Disclaimer: All Hawaii Five-0 characters herein are the property of CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older.
Author's Notes: Thanks to S for the beta and the support in the last few days when I had the worst writers block ever, this story wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for her, seriously she’s the best!
Written for the h50_exchange for superbadgirl who said she has a thing for Hurt!Danny and who am I to say no to that? One more thing she asked for was a case with Matt returning to the island and Danny finding him dead so I played with that a bit. The title comes from “Cough Syrup” by Young The Giant but I was listening to the Darren Criss version when inspiration struck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prologue
“Danno please wake up.” Steve sighed then took a deep breath. “I can’t do this without you anymore, please wake up already.”
His grip tightened and as he planted a soft kiss on the back of Danny’s hand, his last defense fell and a burning tear tracked down his face. It’s been more than two weeks and the doctors were losing hope.
It was his fault, he should’ve been there for Danny, he should’ve been there backing him up instead of Lori. He should’ve been with him because if he had, this wouldn’t have happened and Danny wouldn’t be in a coma right now.
Chapter 12 Weeks Earlier
“Danno loves you too, baby,” said Danny in his cellphone before hanging up. Turning in his chair, he realized that Steve had been standing at the door the whole time he was on the phone with Grace, aneurysm face present. “Uh oh, what’s wrong?”
“We got a new case,” said Steve, stepping into Danny’s office and sitting on the desk.
“Okay, so we got a new case, why the aneurysm face?”
“Pedro Fuentes is back on the island.”
“Pedro Fuentes? I’m sorry, am I supposed to know this name?”
Steve sighed. This was going to be harder than expected. “Pedro Fuentes is an accountant who works for Diego Fernando, the head of a certain drug cartel in Colombia.” As soon as he said the word ‘drug’ he could see Danny shutting down in front of him, finally realizing what Steve was saying.
“Any word on Matt?” Danny asked, his voice strained.
“Not yet but we found some new information. Kono and Chin are waiting for us.”
“What about Lori?” asked Danny, standing up.
“What about Lori? Just because she’s on the team, it doesn’t mean that she needs to know the details that led to Matt’s escape. The only thing she knows is that your brother is involved, nothing more, don’t worry.” Steve grabbed Danny’s arm and pulled him outside the office to the bullpen area where the team was waiting for them.
“I’m going to be okay, just because the tie is gone it doesn’t mean that I lost my professionalism with it.” He gave them a weak smile. “So let’s hear what you have, Rookie.”
Kono understood what he was trying to say so she clicked a few buttons on her iPad and got Pedro’s picture on the big screens. “Meet Pedro Fuentes, 35 years old, Colombian national working as an accountant for Diego Fernando,” She sent another picture of another man, this one older. “The head of the third largest drug cartel in Colombia, looking to branch out in the US starting in Oahu.”
Chin clicked a few more buttons, sending a few more pictures of Pedro with none other than Matthew Williams. “These pictures were taken earlier today of Pedro and Matt arriving in Kalaeloa Airport. It seems that after his last operation with them, Matt was hired full time by the Fernando family to work with them exclusively.”
By the time Chin finished what he had to say, all eyes were on Danny, whose own eyes were closed. Steve was the one who broke the silence by saying, “Anything else?”
“Yes, actually,” said Lori, for the first time since they’d gathered. “One of the reasons Pedro is back on Oahu is because he’s making sure everything is set for Fernando’s visit to the island. The latest intel we got is confirming that Diego is coming to Oahu tonight to make a deal with the local Yakuza. Danny, are you okay?”
“Yes, I am,” said Danny, opening his eyes and looking at Lori then Steve. “So what’s the plan?”
“I think we should have eyes on Pedro at all times. He’s the one that’s going to lead us to Fernando when he comes here. Chin, go to Kamekona and see if he heard anything about the proposed meeting.” He looked at Kono. “Kono, you and Lori find where Pedro is staying, then take a surveillance van and shadow all his moves.”
“What about you and Danny?” asked Lori.
“We have an important call we need to make to New Jersey,” said Steve, glancing at Danny who was giving him a curious look.
“Oh, are we now?” asked Danny, sounding hesitant. “Who are we calling?”
Steve nodded and said, “Your parents.”
Chapter 2
“Are you kidding me?” shouted Danny.
“No, I’m not kidding Danny, just answer the question, yes or no?” replied Steve, trying not to shout back at Danny.
“Fuck you! How about that for an answer,” said Danny, storming out of Steve’s office. Heading out of HQ, he bumped into Chin, but ignored him and continued to his car.
Chin watched the Camaro leave the parking lot. Worried about Danny, he went to Steve’s office to find the man himself sitting on his desk talking on the phone. He knocked on the door and Steve motioned him in.
“.. do this, Danno, please call me.”
“Everything ok, boss?” asked Chin.
“Not really, I did something and Danny is mad at me,” sighed Steve.
“Isn’t that what you guys usually do?” asked Chin, amused.
“Not like this, I might have stepped over the line.”
“What did you do?”
“I asked him if he’s going to be able to shoot Matt if he’s put in that situation again.”
“You didn’t,” said Chin, surprised.
“Yes, I did, Chin. I had to!”
“What do you mean ‘you had to’, Steve? What would you do if I asked you to shoot Mary?”
“That’s not fair, Mary didn’t…”
Chin cut him off, “Steve you can’t do this to him. He’s already lost his brother once.”
“But I had to! I lied to protect him and I’d do it all over again but that doesn’t mean the FBI wasn’t keeping a close eye on us the whole time! Did you know the governor grilled me for a whole hour after the incident just to make sure that I truly didn’t know that the first location I gave the FBI was a lie?” Steve was shouting by the end of this.
“Steve...”
“Don’t. Just...” He stood up and made sure he had his phone and car keys. “I have a meeting with the governor. Apparently the minute this case landed in our laps, the FBI contacted him asking for the case. Please call Danny and make sure he’s okay - and if he comes back to HQ, knock some sense into him. Also, call Kono for an update on their situation.”
Chin watched Steve leave then went back to his office, first texting Danny - “The boss left if you want to come back.” He waited a few minutes but when Danny didn’t reply he called Kono.
“Hey, Cuz.”
“Kono, any update on Pedro?”
“Yes, we located the house he’s staying in. We’re on our way there now in the surveillance van. What did Kamekona say?”
“He said it’s been going around for a while about Diego wanting to expand in Oahu. He knew the meeting was tomorrow but he’ll ask around about a location.”
“Great, how’s Danny holding up?”
“Danny’s currently MIA.”
“What? Why?”
“He and McGarrett had a fight.”
“Okay and what’s new? Isn’t that what married people do?”
“It’s serious this time, cuz, it’s about Matt.”
“Oh, what happened?”
Chin was about to answer when he saw Danny enter HQ from the side door and head straight to his office. “I’ll get back to you later. Danny is back and I need to talk to him.”
“Sure, keep me posted. I’ll text you with regular updates as soon as we get to Pedro’s house.”
“Great, keep safe, Kono.”
“You too.”
Chin hung up and headed to Danny’s office, knocking on the door. “Hey, brah, howzit?”
“Hey, Chin, come on in. Thanks for the tip, I didn’t feel like driving any longer.”
“No problem. So Steve feels like a jerk.”
“That’s good. He is a jerk. Where is he?”
“He had a meeting with the governor.”
“He didn’t say anything about it earlier, something wrong?” And didn’t he hate the way he was suddenly worried about the jerk.
“FBI wants the case.”
“What? It’s our case! They can’t do that, can they?”
“I don’t know, we have to wait and see what Steve finds out.”
“I hate this, I hate this so much!”
“Don’t worry, Danny. Steve won’t let them take it without a fight.”
“I really hope so. What did Ice tell you?”
“The word has been going around for a while. He’s digging for a location now.”
“OK, good, I guess.”
“Danny, I have something to ask you. And I’m not Steve so you don’t get to shout at me then leave.”
“What do you mean ‘you’re not Steve’? If it’s the same question he asked me earlier then I might forego the shouting and just punch you!” Danny answered, his voice raising.
“You need to chill, brah! I’m not asking about that but this is serious and I need an honest answer from you.”
“I’ll bite, what’s up?”
“You know we’re all ohana and we care for each other like family, so I need you to tell me that you can go through this case without losing your focus.” Danny was about to say something but Chin silenced him by putting his hand up. “I’m not asking you to shoot your brother, cause I’ll do everything I can for it not to come to that. I’m asking about being able to arrest him if it came down to you and him.”
“But I can’t do that now, Chin, can I? We all know what happened the last time. He asked me to shoot him or say goodbye and like the idiot I am, I forgot the basics about being a cop and instead of shooting his leg or somewhere where there wouldn’t be any permanent damage, I just stood there!”
“But this time you won’t be alone. If he tries to do something like that, we’re all going to be there for you to support you.”
“I don’t know, Chin, I really don’t want to think about it.”
“Well, you better start to, brah. Worst case scenario: the FBI will want in when it comes to the bust itself and I don’t want you going through that again in front of them where they can sue you.”
Danny dropped his head on the desk. “How is this my life!”
Chapter 3
By the time Steve’s meeting with the governor ended, it was a bit after 8 pm. He went straight to HQ to find the team standing around the tech table. Danny was the first to notice him.
“Where the hell have you been? I called you like twenty times already!”
Steve smiled because Danny was talking to him, which was always good and it meant that he wasn’t mad at him anymore. He walked until he was exactly next to him, putting his arm around his shoulders. “I’m sorry, dear, but the meeting with the governor went longer than expected.”
Danny didn’t move or bat away Steve’s hand but he raised an eyebrow and said, “Did you just call me ‘dear’?”
“Yes, I did. You nag like a wife, you get treated like one!”
Danny rolled his eyes and hit Steve’s chest lightly but again didn’t move. Steve felt comfortable the way he was, so he looked at his team who were all staring. “So what did I miss?”
Kono just smirked and shook her head. “We didn’t have to wait long at Pedro’s place. After about an hour, a few more people came into the house,” said Kono, pulling some surveillance footage. “It seems like they’re a mix of Yakuza members and Diego’s men - they were discussing the security measures they’re taking in the warehouse tomorrow.”
“Kamekona called and gave us the address of the warehouse where the deal is going to take place,” said Chin.
Lori tapped a few buttons on the table and a building schematic appeared on screen. “We got the blueprint and after adding the information we got from the conversation we heard, you can see how our best chance of getting in unnoticed is using the door at the left since there should only be two guards there.”
“Best we can tell, the meeting will take place there.” She pointed to a room in the far right corner. “It’s a room with one door and no windows. Our guess is the door will be closed, so coordinating with SWAT, we can take all the guards and by the time we get to the door, we will have eyes on all the exits so there will be no point in trying to run.”
“That sounds great,” said Steve. “Is Diego on the island already?”
“Not yet,” said Chin, “but his plane lands in an hour.”
“When is the meeting tomorrow?”
“Bright and early at 8:30 am,” said Kono, pouting. “Since when does the criminal class have meetings in the morning?”
“It is weird, to be honest,” said Danny. “How sure are we about the timing?”
“Very sure,” said Chin.
“Okay then, everyone head home and rest today. We’ll meet up here tomorrow at 7 am.” Steve looked at Kono. “No pre-dawn surfing.”
“But boss,” she whined, “it’s the best time to catch great waves!”
“Listen to him, Kono,” said Danny. “We need you at 110% tomorrow.”
“You’re just agreeing with him so you’ll get laid tonight.”
It seemed like Danny finally noticed that Steve’s arm was still around his shoulders. He pushed him away and said, “No one is getting laid tonight!”
“What?” Steve honest to god pouted. “I thought we were all good. You did call me twenty...” Steve took out his phone from his pocket. “I stand corrected, you called 35 times!”
“Hey! I was worried, that’s all, and it’s the first time a meeting with the governor has taken that long, which reminds me, what happened?”
“They almost got the case because it was their case first and if it wasn’t for Five-0’s involvement they would’ve closed the case months ago, but I reminded the governor that we had nothing to do with that.”
Danny was shutting down again and Steve noticed it at once so he put his arm around his shoulder again. “I told him that just because Matt was your brother, it doesn’t mean we had anything to do with it. Danno, don’t worry, he believes us, he believes that you’ve got nothing to do with it.”
Kono came from the other side and mockingly punched his arm. “Hey, brah, it’s all going to be okay. If I see Matt tomorrow, do you give me the green light to kick his ass for putting you through this again?”
Danny smiled. “Sure, just make sure you don’t kill him or you’ll have to answer to my mother.”
“And you don’t want to do that,” said Steve. “Your mom is a scary woman, Danny!”
“She yells because she cares. Plus, you lost a few pounds after North Korea - put them back and she’ll stop yelling.”
“I’m fine!” said Steve, then looked at his team. “So everyone go eat dinner and have a full night’s sleep. 7 am tomorrow!”
Everyone started walking away from the table but Steve tightened his grip on Danny. “Not you. Come back to my house. I’ll feed you something healthy and be assured that you have a full night sleep - in my guestroom!”
“Sure, I guess, since I’m going to pass by your house tomorrow to pick you up anyway. But we need to stop at the hotel first. I need a change of clothes for tomorrow.”
“I think you have some at my house. You never took them after moving out.”
“Are you sure? I don’t feel like driving back to the hotel tomorrow.”
“Yes, I’m sure. Let’s go home.”
Chapter 4
Danny didn’t get enough sleep that night, between nightmares of Steve and the team being shot at and the stress of maybe having another face off with Matt. It was 4 am before he decided that he was done with trying; he put on a shirt and headed to Steve’s kitchen to make some coffee.
He froze when he heard footsteps from the second floor, considering that Steve didn’t wake up for his swim until 5:30 am. He went back to the guest room to get his gun then made his way slowly up the stairs just to bump into Steve himself wearing dress pants and a polo shirt.
“Hey, what’s wrong, Danny?” asked Steve, surprised that Danny was awake.
Danny lowered the gun and said, “I should be asking you that. You only dress in this combination when you’re heading to Pearl. What’s wrong?”
“I need to be at Pearl in 45 minutes, they need me for an urgent meeting.”
“Urgent meeting at 5 in the morning. Something wrong?” said Danny, heading with Steve to the kitchen. Steve set up the coffee machine, while Danny got himself a mug from the cabinet and a travel mug for Steve.
“I would like to joke around about it being classified but I honestly don’t know.”
“How long do you think you’ll be there?” said Danny, placing the two mugs on the counter near the coffee machine.
“I honestly don’t know, Danny. Look, if I don’t get back in time for the bust...” Steve was trying to focus on everything and anything that wasn’t Danny.
“Shut up, just shut up please, okay?” said Danny, pulling Steve so he was standing in front of him. “The Navy needs you, and as much as I would love to have you as a back up, Lori will have to do.”
Steve still wasn’t looking up, this time focusing on his hands that were being held by Danny’s. “You know if I can, I’ll be there. I’ll try to text you if the meeting goes too long, but you have to promise me something, Danny.”
“I can’t promise you anything without knowing what is it first, Steven.”
“Tell Lori to stay close to you. And if you see Matt, let her shoot him in the leg or shoulder - he can’t get away again,” Steve said, finally looking at Danny.
“I don’t know if I can do it, Steve, he’s my baby brother. You need to understand that! In a house full of girls, Matty and I were inseparable!” It was Danny’s turn to drop his head and not look at Steve.
“I know, Danno, but it’s… I’ve had a bad feeling about this whole case since we got the files, so please be careful.”
“Is that concern that I see?” Danny smiled, looking up and remembering how Steve teased him before heading to North Korea. But what he saw in Steve’s face wasn’t a teasing smile like the one he gave Steve; it seemed that Steve was really worried.
“Yes I am, babe, so please be careful.” Steve moved to the counter to fill his travel mug with coffee.
“Okay, wait a second. Why do I feel like I’m saying goodbye to you like I’m not going to see you for a while? It’s just a meeting at Pearl, right? Do I need to be worried?”
“No, you don’t.” Mug filled with steaming coffee, Steve put the lid on and turned it. “I promise, it’s just a meeting.”
He wasn’t planning to do it, but like everything else in his life lately, it just happened, and the fear he felt the exact moment before his lips touched Danny’s skin was all gone the second he planted the soft kiss on Danny’s temple. It felt perfect. “Please be careful, Danno,” and he left.
Chapter 5
He knew something was wrong, he knew the moment it was Lori’s name that appeared on his phone screen and not Danno or Chin or Kono. He was on his way to the parking lot when his phone started ringing. He picked up at once.
“What happened?”
Lori was crying, uncontrollable sobs coming from the other sid. “I’m so sorry, Steve, I didn’t mean to do it.”
“Do what? Lori, what the hell happened? Where is Danny?”
“Oh god, Danny... I didn’t mean to kill him, I was aiming for his shoulder but...”
“Lori, stop crying for one fucking second! Where is Danny? Where are you, Chin or Kono? Are you guys alright?” Steve was already out of Pearl’s parking lot, his police siren on.
Steve’s shouting seemed to get Lori back on track. “I’m sorry. Danny was taken to Queen’s Medical, Kono is in the ambulance with him and Chin stayed at the scene. Matt is dead. I was aiming for his shoulder but then I got distracted by the sight of all the blood coming from Danny’s head. Matt started backing away so I fired and the shot hit a major artery in his neck. He died before the EMTs could get to him.”
“I’m on my way to Queens. What happened to Danny? Are you hurt?”
“Nothing, just a scratch, thanks to Danny.”
“Thanks to Danny? What happened to him?”
“Matt tried to run so Danny and I followed him. Instead of saying anything, like you warned me he might, he just started shooting at me. Danny pushed me aside and took a bullet to the shoulder for me. The force of the hit spun him into some wooden boxes to the side and he hit his head - it started bleeding a lot, it looked bad.”
“Shit, look, five minutes and I’ll reach Queen’s, stay on the scene and finalize everything with Chin. Then and only then, you guys follow us to the hospital.”
“I’m so sorry, Steve.”
“It’s not your fault, just stay with Chin.”
He hung up on her, a million things going through his head at once. Matt dead and Danny injured. He’d promised Mrs. Williams he’d take care of Danno and the minute he left him alone, he went ahead and got injured. Mrs. Williams was definitely going to kill him.
He reached the hospital, parked his truck in the nearest lot he found, and ran. Nearing the reception area to ask about Danny, he heard someone calling his name.
He turned around to see Kono coming his way, tears spilling down her face, her hands and clothes stained with blood. “Steve...” She threw herself in his arms and started sobbing.
“Kono, what’s wrong? How’s Danny? Please talk to me!”
“They just took him in. He bled a lot, Steve, all of this is his blood. I don’t want to tell Grace how her father bled to death in my arms!”
“Shhh, he’s going to be fine. Stop crying, Rookie, it doesn’t suit you!” She huffed out what could have been considered a laugh. It was working. “Go clean up, because you scared the hell out of me when I saw you, I thought this was your blood.” So much blood. “I’m sure the hospital can offer you some kind of scrubs or spare clothes. You stay like this, I’ll have to arrest you for mass murder.” Fuck, Danny. So much blood.
Kono hit him lightly. “Stop it, it hurts to laugh.”
“Did you get shot?” asked Steve, worried.
“Just a bruised rib, don’t worry about me. It’s nothing compared to Danny.”
Scrubbing his hands down his face, Steve took a deep breath and said, “It’s the first and last time I leave you guys alone. What the hell happened?”
“The bust went down pretty much as planned from our end, all the major players arrested anyway. But Danny and Lori… I don’t know what went wrong. It all happened so fast, bullets flying, and when we got there Matt was dead.”
“Shit, Matt... I need to call Danny’s mom!”
“Don’t you think you should wait until you know how Danny’s doing? They were taking him directly to surgery.”
“No, I need to talk to her now - I promised her I’d call as soon as anything happened because she or Mr. Williams might need to fly in.”
“Do you want me to sit with you while you call?”
“No thanks, go clean up. I have to do this alone.”
Chapter 6
After two weeks, Danny still hadn’t woken up. The team spent the whole first week in the hospital with him, but by the second week, the governor had asked them to go back to work. He knew how close the team had become but work had to come first. They drew up a schedule where each day one of them would take a batch of the ever-present paperwork and go to the hospital to be with Danny.
By the third week, Steve was spending every night at the hospital and he’d applied for some time off from Five-0 to get Denning off his back. Grace came to visit with Rachel every other day after school.
One day in the fourth week, Steve left the room to give Grace and Rachel some privacy with Danny while he went to get himself something to drink. When he came back he saw Grace clutching to her mom while doctors and nurses rushed in the room.
“What happened?” asked Steve, running to enter the room but a nurse closed the door in his face.
Grace left her mother’s side and held his hand. “I think he’s waking up, Uncle Steve. He opened his eyes when I kissed him.”
Steve looked down at her and saw a smile on her face. It made him relax a bit but he wouldn’t feel okay and be able to breathe normally himself without seeing Danny awake.
Ten minutes passed before the doctor left the room. “Lieutenant Commander McGarrett, it seems that your partner has finally decided to wake up. The nurses are resetting some of the IVs. You can go in and see him after that.”
He can finally breathe. With a sigh of relief and a smile, Steve replied, “That’s great, doc! I think Rachel and Grace should go in before me though. I need to call the rest of my team and update Danny’s parents.”
“It’s up to you, Commander. If his vitals don’t change over night, we’ll most likely discharge him in a day or two, as long as someone will be there to take care of him.”
“I’ll move him in with me temporarily until he feels better. Thank you for everything, doc.”
Steve texted Chin and Kono that Danny had woken up and by the time he was done talking to Danny’s mom, Grace was in saying goodbye to Danny while Rachel waited with him outside the room.
“When are you going to tell him about Matt?” asked Rachel in a hushed voice.
“When are you going to tell Gracie?” he replied firmly.
“I’m not going to. Danny should be the one to tell her because he’s the only one who’ll be able to comfort her from that. You need to tell him sooner rather than later, Commander.”
“I will, Rachel, but the guy just woke up, give him a break.” Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Chin and Kono.
“You guys go on in, don’t bring up Lori unless he asks about her,” said Steve to Chin and Kono.
“You’re not coming with us, boss?” asked Kono.
“Not yet, you guys go on,” answered Steve.
Grace came out of the room and hugged Steve before telling him, “He’s asking about you, Uncle Steve. See you this weekend.”
He said his goodbye to Grace who left with Rachel and when he turned, Chin and Kono were looking at him. “What?”
“He’s asking for you, brah. I’m not going in there before you talk to him,” said Chin.
“Guys, I’m going to be telling him about Matt and Lori. Would you please just go in? We might be a while.”
“Hey cuz, I skipped lunch. How about we go get something to eat?” said Kono.
“I could eat,” and they both just walked away and left him alone at Danny’s door.
It wasn’t that Steve didn’t want to see Danny, he absolutely did. Needed to, in fact. He just wasn’t looking forward to being the bearer of bad news. But he was cornered and the thought of seeing Danny, awake and looking back at him, won out in the end. He knocked on the door and entered the room.
“I must be dying if Steve McGarrett is knocking before entering,” said Danny, his voice sounding a bit rusty.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Danno,” Steve said, while making himself comfortable sitting on the hospital bed next to Danny.
“Thanks, babe. So four weeks without hearing the delicate tones of my voice, how did that feel?”
“Miserable, like part of my day was missing,” Steve answered seriously, even though Danny was trying to joke around about it.
“Steven, look at me.” Danny poked Steve’s fingers. “I’m fine, babe. Try not to focus on the rusty voice and the head scar - other than that, it’s still me, as good as new.”
“I told you to be careful that day, Danny. I had a bad feeling about it and I told you to be careful! Do you remember anything from that day before you knocked your head?”
Danny took a deep breath then started talking. “We got into the warehouse. Lori with me, Chin and Kono together. We made a clear entrance, shot our way through the first few guards, but one of them got away and alerted the others, which is when the shit hit the fan.
“They started shooting, we took cover and started shooting back, still making our way through with SWAT getting rid of a few gunners from the other side of the warehouse. That’s when we split up - Lori and I started clearing the right side, where none other than my dear brother Matthew was waiting for us. This time he didn’t even bother with talking, he just started shooting. Lori blacked out on me for a second because he was shooting at her, so I had to push her out of the way, which is when he hit me and I cracked my skull, I think. Did I miss anything?”
“No, you didn’t actually, that’s a pretty good description of the reported events that day.”
“Good, so how long will Matt be in jail? And please tell me Kono got to kick his ass.”
Steve shifted on the bed uncomfortably. “Danny, I have some bad news.”
“Bad news? What, they gave him life?” Danny was fully sitting up now and Steve was starting to get worried. He held Danny’s hands between his, and god how small they looked between his giant hands.
“Danny, babe, I’m sorry but Matt didn’t make it.”
Danny’s face was blank, Steve couldn’t read anything. Danny tried to pull his hands away, but Steve just held on tighter. “I’m sorry, Danny. After you went down, Lori tried to shoot Matt’s shoulder but he turned to run and the bullet hit a major artery.”
Danny was still silent and not doing anything, but his tears started to fall. “Where is Lori? How’re Chin and Kono?”
Steve raised his hands, cupped Danny’s face and wiped his partner’s tears away with his thumbs. “Chin and Kono went to have lunch, so I could have some time with you. And Lori… Lori went back to the mainland. She couldn’t do this job and be around you all the time after what happened. She wrote you a letter and left it in the office. I’ll swing by and bring it to you later, if you want.” Danny hadn’t said another word. “Danno, baby, talk to me?”
“Talk to you? My little brother is dead, Steve. I talk and say what exactly? That I wish I’d shot him the first time this happened? Because if I had, he would be in jail right now instead of dead! So yeah, forgive me, but I’m currently out of words and out of energy and I hate this so much.” Steve leaned in and hugged Danny, the second part of his speech a bit muffled but Steve knew his Danny so well, it wasn’t hard figuring out what he’d said.
“I’m sorry, Danno.” Steve lingered in the embrace, hands rubbing along Danny’s warm back. “I’ve talked to your parents, kept them in the loop. Your father came here for a few days, spent some time with Gracie on the beach and in the house before he shipped back Matt’s body to New Jersey. Your mom says she loves you and to get better soon. Our tickets to Jersey are bought and I’ll set the departure date for this weekend. I’ll pack your stuff.”
“We’re going to Jersey?” said Danny, pulling himself away from Steve’s warm body and comforting hands.
“Yes, you and I are going to Jersey for a week.”
“And you’re going to pack my stuff?”
“It seems appropriate since you’re not allowed to move out of bed just yet.”
“When will I be released from the hospital?”
“Tomorrow if everything checks out. I’ll go later and get some of your stuff from the hotel. You’re staying with me for a while.”
“Oh boy, you’re going to be insufferable for the next few days, aren’t you?”
“Yes, dear,” said Steve with a smile. Then, once again not really planning to do it, he leaned in and kissed Danny, this time on the lips, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And when Danny kissed him back, it felt perfect.
Epilogue
New Jersey was cold, thought Danny as he turned his coat collar up and walked toward Matt’s grave. He’d kept postponing it the first few days, trying to enjoy finally being back in Jersey with his family and having his partner there beside him. Huh.. partner.It was funny how the meaning of a word could change in a matter of a few days, because Steve wasn’t just his work partner anymore.
After the kiss in the hospital, they’d talked for a while. Steve told him that he wasn’t going to risk losing him again, and of course the feeling was mutual but Danny was hesitant and told Steve he’d need to think about it. Steve assured him that he wasn’t going to pressure him into anything as long as Danny would let him take care of him for the next few days until he was fully recuperated - body and mind.
And now here they were, a week later in a cemetery in Hoboken, New Jersey. Steve said he’d wait in the car but Danny knew him too well; he gave him about ten minutes tops before he got impatient and followed him.
He located Matt’s grave and stood in front of it for a while, finding it hard to believe that his younger brother was dead and he was never going to see him again. After Matt’s escape months earlier, there were times when Danny’d woken up from nightmares screaming - seeing his brother drenched in blood and blaming him for moving to Hawaii, for not being there when he needed his big brother.
Danny shook himself out of those memories. This was reality and it was nightmare enough. With tears streaming down his face, he closed his eyes, bowed his head and said a prayer for his brother. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be, Matty.
He didn’t know how long exactly he was standing there, but when he felt a presence next to him, of course he wouldn’t be able to resist, I knew it, he opened his eyes and as predicted, it was Steve.
“Are you okay?” said Steve, standing close enough to nudge Danny with his thick coat-covered arm. He didn’t bother to move away and Danny admitted that his partner’s warmth was welcome.
That more than just his warmth was welcome, if Danny were being honest with himself.
“I’m good, babe. I just never thought this day would come. Being a cop, I always thought it was going to be the other way around. It’s a bit ironic to be honest.” Taking a deep breath, he pulled Steve until they were facing each other. “By the way, we need to talk.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” said Danny. With slightly shaking hands, he swiped his fingers along his eyes and down the sides of his cheeks making sure there weren’t any tears left. “Okay, you’re going to listen to me until I’m done, no talking please!”
Steve brought his own fingers to his lips and did the universal sign of my lips are sealed.
Danny’s heart was racing and his throat went dry as the full impact of what he was going to say to Steve struck him. “I’ve been thinking about how messed up my life is right now - waking up from a coma, finding out my little brother who’s been working with drug dealers has died and I’d missed his funeral... it’s just been a lot, too much. And I don’t think I could’ve handled any of it, if it wasn’t for you.”
He raised his head to look directly in Steve’s eyes, seeing the warmth reflected there, the small nod that spoke volumes of how Steve would do it all again, would be there for Danny every step of the way.
Danny continued, “When you kissed me that day in the hospital, I felt weird about it, and not because I’m some kind of a homophobe, but because of how right it felt, how much it filled that hollow place that had been inside me ever since Rachel left me.”
He stepped in and cupped Steve’s face, pulling him in until he rested Steve’s forehead against his own. “I love you, Steve. I have for a while but I never acted on it because we’re partners, best friends, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But you started this and I’m going to hold onto it. I’m not going to ask you to-”
As soon as he said the word ‘ask’ Steve must have decided that Danny was going to say something stupid so he stayed true to his promise not to talk and shut him up with a kiss instead. Steve’s lips were chapped against Danny’s, not used to the Northeastern cold, but Danny didn’t think he’d ever felt anything as perfect. His huge hands gripped Danny’s waist, pulling him close, and they both reveled in the warmth of having another body next to him in the freezing New Jersey weather.
“I love you too, Danny,” Steve said once they had to come up for air. “Always have, always will.”