Making Peace: A Series of Letters Addressed to My Inner Demons
My project is simple: write a series of letters addressed to my inner demons, adding on as I uncover more and as I continue my journey in making peace with them.
My goal is clear: make peace with my inner demons so I can make peace with myself.
Everything in between is going to be difficult but worth so much more than I can possibly fathom right now.
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Dear Hypocritical,
I find myself commiserating with others about you mostly because they agree with me and feel the same way. It's hard because you are, at the core of your being, a very good person and your heart is in the right place but often what you say and what you do contradict each other and it's so difficult to stop the exasperation that burns in my gut whenever you talk about certain instances as if you're not one of the main culprits, as if you're blameless/faultless/guiltless and it drives me insane.
I just want to be able to be your friend without feeling the burning desire to turn to someone who understands and talk about how the latest thing you did/said made be upset or angry or absolutely nuts. I want to be able to listen to what you have to say without inwardly rolling my eyes knowing you'll probably turn around and do exactly what you're complaining about, and I want to be able to hold a conversation with you and be able to maintain genuine interest when you somehow manage to make everything pertain to you and what you're doing and what you're interested and basically why you think you're better than someone or everyone else.
...Because underneath all that you talk about what makes other people great, too, and that's awesome. And you have the best of intentions when you make suggestions about not leaving lights on in the house when no one's using them or trying to make sure the windows are all shut when it's hotter outside than it is inside.
So I want to talk to you about things. Bring up incidences right away so you're aware that you're doing the things that drive me crazy and hopefully you'll be able to work on preventing their recurrence in the future. I want to just talk to YOU directly about these issues so I'm not commiserating about them behind your back since that just makes me feel like a horrible friend--like I said, you're a good friend at the core of your being, but there are some habits you have that I find incredibly annoying and somehow I want to be able to move past that. Talking to others about it really won't solve anything even though it's nice to have people who understand and empathize, and I really don't know if talking to you directly will solve anything but it's the only first step I can think of toward making peace with you. Any progress is worth it for me.
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Dear Stolen,
I don't know how to talk to you about this but honestly it comes down to the fact that we have all just been keeping our mouths shut around you and yet we discuss it when you're not around since no one knows how to approach the subject.
You're stealing and we understand why but it doesn't make it any more affordable for us and the strain is starting to become unbearable. We want to help you but how? And how much space can we give you before it just becomes more destructive? We want you to get better but we don't know which way is the wrong direction from here. Is it pushing you too far if we address it or is it letting you self-destruct if we don't?
Furthermore, we literally can't afford what you're stealing and it's stressing us out even more.
-->Dear Recovering (previously Stolen),
Thank you. Thank you so much for being so brave, so strong, and so patient. I know it must have been very hard for you to talk to me about this, and I'm glad that you didn't pull away completely when I asked to speak to you. I'm kind of glad that we ended up communicating through messages rather than face-to-face because I think it gave you just enough space to say what you really wanted to say without the pressure and awkwardness of having me too close.
I know that this is just a first step, and baby steps are so important. I want you to know that I am so, so proud of you for taking this step and you will take some steps backwards and you will fall along the way but that's okay because I know that this step forward is the first of many and you can do this.
You, as a person, are not your disorder. It may sometimes take control of your actions but it is not who you are and it will never dictate who you will become because you are an awesome, independent, strong, forward-thinking individual with a good head on her shoulders and that's what's important. What goes on in that head of yours is not entirely under your control but everyone has their demons and yours has just manifested as such. You're a fighter and you're going to beat it--you will NEVER be defined as a diagnosis.
Remember, there will be ups and downs no matter what, so try to look at it as part of the journey. Whenever you want to go up there's gotta be somewhere you're going up from.
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Dear House Habits,
You cannot control my emotions forever. Someday I will gain the upper hand and you will no longer bother me. I don't know how that will happen yet but I know it's gotta happen so that my annoyance with you will not develop into resentment for the people that bear you forth.
...This letter will have to be revisited someday because that is seriously all I've got right now and that's kind of sad.
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Dear Lost,
You are by far the hardest and the most complex to even address, and I can't really imagine how I plan on tackling you in the near future...
I guess I should start at the top, since there are just so many levels.
Your friends are sketchy. I don't trust them, I don't like them, and I'm afraid to live in my own house because I never know when they might be over while I'm home or what they might be doing when they're here and I'm not. And that's really unfair--it's my house too, it's my living space, it's my privacy and security and safety that is being invaded and destroyed. They have stolen from us, they have essentially vandalized our property, they have gone into our private spaces, and they have disrupted our home. Ultimately they've had a huge part in disrupting my relationship with you.
I hate how you'll invite me to hang out with you, your own flesh and blood, only to kick me out when your friends arrive. You choose them over me fairly frequently, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you'd choose people you don't even really know, the ones that have constantly stabbed you in the back after they've stolen the shirt off of it, over your family, the people who have given you everything and more and will only continue to do so until there is literally nothing left.
I know I have to try to understand you, because it's hypocritical of me to try so hard to accommodate and understand and be sensitive to my friends' mental health issues while I tend to get frustrated at yours (they are very different circumstances, however, and more often than not I feel that your issues tend to put us in immediate danger, but that's something I'm also going to have to deal with somehow). I don't have to agree with what you think or say and in some cases I'm not even going to believe you but I want to try to understand you.
Possibly the most sensitive layer, the festering blister beneath the surface, would be who you used to be and how badly I wish you were still him. Everyone changes, that's not something to blame anyone for, but there is a part of me that will always mourn the loss of the person you once were. I need to somehow make my peace with the lack of reconciliation between who you are today, who you used to be, and who I always grew up thinking you were... my idol, the one I thought could do no wrong, my knight in shining armour who could make my entire day if he laughed at one of my jokes or wanted to play with me or suggested we build a fort together...
I need to somehow figure out where he went and make peace with the part of me that will forever be bitter about not being able to find him now.
Most immediately, however, I need to make peace with the fact that you are the reason I am in for a long, hard struggle to pay for my education because of the decisions you've made and situations you got yourself into. I want to blame you for it, to hate you for it, and sometimes I get frighteningly close (right now I think I'm at a sort of cold, detached form of contempt, to be honest) but I know that I need to suck it up and let it go. Somehow.
There are so many other things... I just can't even think of them right now and I guess all this warrants some talking and simply spending time together. I want to be able to trust you again some day, since one of my biggest fears is one day being in the position where I have to trust you with what and whom I care about most and deep down I'm not sure if the day will ever come that if that fear were to come true that I would have enough faith in you to not let it destroy me completely.
But, like I said, it probably begins with a talk.
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Dear Reflection,
Where do I start with you?
Some things seem simple when I say them to myself: drink more water, exercise more often, get more fresh air (go outside for goodness' sake!), eat breakfast every day, get more fruits and vegetables in your diet, have more fresh foods, DANCE, floss at least 3 times a week, get a solid 8 hours of sleep each night...
But sometimes they just feel impossible. I know I need to take better care of myself to be able to deal with you and I tell myself these kinds of things all the time. Usually I'll feel really motivated one day and the good habits will last maybe a few days, but I need to really work on making these things stick.
I can do this, it's possible, and I'm going to have to take it one step at a time so I'm no longer ashamed or insecure. One day I will be proud of you, I will be content with you and nothing anyone says or does will make me feel or think otherwise.
My goal is clear: make peace with my inner demons so I can make peace with myself.
Everything in between is going to be difficult but worth so much more than I can possibly fathom right now.
----------------------
Dear Hypocritical,
I find myself commiserating with others about you mostly because they agree with me and feel the same way. It's hard because you are, at the core of your being, a very good person and your heart is in the right place but often what you say and what you do contradict each other and it's so difficult to stop the exasperation that burns in my gut whenever you talk about certain instances as if you're not one of the main culprits, as if you're blameless/faultless/guiltless and it drives me insane.
I just want to be able to be your friend without feeling the burning desire to turn to someone who understands and talk about how the latest thing you did/said made be upset or angry or absolutely nuts. I want to be able to listen to what you have to say without inwardly rolling my eyes knowing you'll probably turn around and do exactly what you're complaining about, and I want to be able to hold a conversation with you and be able to maintain genuine interest when you somehow manage to make everything pertain to you and what you're doing and what you're interested and basically why you think you're better than someone or everyone else.
...Because underneath all that you talk about what makes other people great, too, and that's awesome. And you have the best of intentions when you make suggestions about not leaving lights on in the house when no one's using them or trying to make sure the windows are all shut when it's hotter outside than it is inside.
So I want to talk to you about things. Bring up incidences right away so you're aware that you're doing the things that drive me crazy and hopefully you'll be able to work on preventing their recurrence in the future. I want to just talk to YOU directly about these issues so I'm not commiserating about them behind your back since that just makes me feel like a horrible friend--like I said, you're a good friend at the core of your being, but there are some habits you have that I find incredibly annoying and somehow I want to be able to move past that. Talking to others about it really won't solve anything even though it's nice to have people who understand and empathize, and I really don't know if talking to you directly will solve anything but it's the only first step I can think of toward making peace with you. Any progress is worth it for me.
----------------------
Dear Stolen,
I don't know how to talk to you about this but honestly it comes down to the fact that we have all just been keeping our mouths shut around you and yet we discuss it when you're not around since no one knows how to approach the subject.
You're stealing and we understand why but it doesn't make it any more affordable for us and the strain is starting to become unbearable. We want to help you but how? And how much space can we give you before it just becomes more destructive? We want you to get better but we don't know which way is the wrong direction from here. Is it pushing you too far if we address it or is it letting you self-destruct if we don't?
Furthermore, we literally can't afford what you're stealing and it's stressing us out even more.
-->Dear Recovering (previously Stolen),
Thank you. Thank you so much for being so brave, so strong, and so patient. I know it must have been very hard for you to talk to me about this, and I'm glad that you didn't pull away completely when I asked to speak to you. I'm kind of glad that we ended up communicating through messages rather than face-to-face because I think it gave you just enough space to say what you really wanted to say without the pressure and awkwardness of having me too close.
I know that this is just a first step, and baby steps are so important. I want you to know that I am so, so proud of you for taking this step and you will take some steps backwards and you will fall along the way but that's okay because I know that this step forward is the first of many and you can do this.
You, as a person, are not your disorder. It may sometimes take control of your actions but it is not who you are and it will never dictate who you will become because you are an awesome, independent, strong, forward-thinking individual with a good head on her shoulders and that's what's important. What goes on in that head of yours is not entirely under your control but everyone has their demons and yours has just manifested as such. You're a fighter and you're going to beat it--you will NEVER be defined as a diagnosis.
Remember, there will be ups and downs no matter what, so try to look at it as part of the journey. Whenever you want to go up there's gotta be somewhere you're going up from.
----------------------
Dear House Habits,
You cannot control my emotions forever. Someday I will gain the upper hand and you will no longer bother me. I don't know how that will happen yet but I know it's gotta happen so that my annoyance with you will not develop into resentment for the people that bear you forth.
...This letter will have to be revisited someday because that is seriously all I've got right now and that's kind of sad.
----------------------
Dear Lost,
You are by far the hardest and the most complex to even address, and I can't really imagine how I plan on tackling you in the near future...
I guess I should start at the top, since there are just so many levels.
Your friends are sketchy. I don't trust them, I don't like them, and I'm afraid to live in my own house because I never know when they might be over while I'm home or what they might be doing when they're here and I'm not. And that's really unfair--it's my house too, it's my living space, it's my privacy and security and safety that is being invaded and destroyed. They have stolen from us, they have essentially vandalized our property, they have gone into our private spaces, and they have disrupted our home. Ultimately they've had a huge part in disrupting my relationship with you.
I hate how you'll invite me to hang out with you, your own flesh and blood, only to kick me out when your friends arrive. You choose them over me fairly frequently, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you'd choose people you don't even really know, the ones that have constantly stabbed you in the back after they've stolen the shirt off of it, over your family, the people who have given you everything and more and will only continue to do so until there is literally nothing left.
I know I have to try to understand you, because it's hypocritical of me to try so hard to accommodate and understand and be sensitive to my friends' mental health issues while I tend to get frustrated at yours (they are very different circumstances, however, and more often than not I feel that your issues tend to put us in immediate danger, but that's something I'm also going to have to deal with somehow). I don't have to agree with what you think or say and in some cases I'm not even going to believe you but I want to try to understand you.
Possibly the most sensitive layer, the festering blister beneath the surface, would be who you used to be and how badly I wish you were still him. Everyone changes, that's not something to blame anyone for, but there is a part of me that will always mourn the loss of the person you once were. I need to somehow make my peace with the lack of reconciliation between who you are today, who you used to be, and who I always grew up thinking you were... my idol, the one I thought could do no wrong, my knight in shining armour who could make my entire day if he laughed at one of my jokes or wanted to play with me or suggested we build a fort together...
I need to somehow figure out where he went and make peace with the part of me that will forever be bitter about not being able to find him now.
Most immediately, however, I need to make peace with the fact that you are the reason I am in for a long, hard struggle to pay for my education because of the decisions you've made and situations you got yourself into. I want to blame you for it, to hate you for it, and sometimes I get frighteningly close (right now I think I'm at a sort of cold, detached form of contempt, to be honest) but I know that I need to suck it up and let it go. Somehow.
There are so many other things... I just can't even think of them right now and I guess all this warrants some talking and simply spending time together. I want to be able to trust you again some day, since one of my biggest fears is one day being in the position where I have to trust you with what and whom I care about most and deep down I'm not sure if the day will ever come that if that fear were to come true that I would have enough faith in you to not let it destroy me completely.
But, like I said, it probably begins with a talk.
----------------------
Dear Reflection,
Where do I start with you?
Some things seem simple when I say them to myself: drink more water, exercise more often, get more fresh air (go outside for goodness' sake!), eat breakfast every day, get more fruits and vegetables in your diet, have more fresh foods, DANCE, floss at least 3 times a week, get a solid 8 hours of sleep each night...
But sometimes they just feel impossible. I know I need to take better care of myself to be able to deal with you and I tell myself these kinds of things all the time. Usually I'll feel really motivated one day and the good habits will last maybe a few days, but I need to really work on making these things stick.
I can do this, it's possible, and I'm going to have to take it one step at a time so I'm no longer ashamed or insecure. One day I will be proud of you, I will be content with you and nothing anyone says or does will make me feel or think otherwise.