My Better Half
There's a phrase that a lot of people use to describe someone they're in a relationship with--they say, "Oh, here's so-and-so, my better half" or "I'll have to call and ask my better half" or "Well I suppose that would be up to my better half".
I never really understood this. I suppose it's me, awkward and uncertain, weird in a lot of ways that make people shake their heads and also kind of juvenile. My sister also tells me I lack a lot of common sense. But I'd like to think that I didn't understand it because I didn't know how it felt.
Now I'm pretty sure I do, thanks to you.
I disagree with part of the sentiment, though. I realize that we say "better half" because there is the idea that two halves make a whole. I don't think this is quite right though.
You are everything I need to be complete--you are the yin to my yang, the Gohan to my Trunks, the Spongebob to my Patrick, the Abed to my Troy in the morning. But you are also my motivation to be the person I wish I could be and you make me feel like I'm already halfway there. And in this case, two halves don't make a whole because we are like synergy--1 + 1 = 3. With you I feel like I can be more than I ever was before I knew you. (I mean really you make me psychic, what more can I ever hope for?!)
There are a lot of things we think about love and what it means to us, what it can do. I've learned a lot from you--how holding someone's hand can say a lot more than any pretty string of words; how someone can be understood without judgment; why breakfast really is the most important meal of the day... But most importantly, I've learned that love doesn't need titles or labels or facebook statuses. It needs time, that's for sure... sometimes it takes until seven in the morning to be really apparent.
Before you came along I didn't think I could do something like love... I know I love my family, I love my friends, I love the way the sun feels on my skin while the sidewalk still smells like rain.
I'm not great with relationships because I'm awkward. I don't pick up well on social cues, I'm not exactly my parents' pride and joy in public and I'm never sure what to say, when, and how. I hate it when people are clingy and when they try to call me every day (strange because I love it when you text me good morning and good night and even when you fall asleep on me at 3AM and text me saying you're sorry even though you really shouldn't be, it's not your fault >_<) and when they think I'm mad at them because I was too tired to chat or text the night before. I'm also the type of person that will wear sweatpants all day every day because (EFF YOU THAT'S WHY) they're comfortable even though Mom totally disagrees with my choice of attire when I go to class.
So everything about the idea of you and what you mean to me scared the living daylights out of me. I was afraid of messing things up because I really had no idea what relationships are supposed to be like, how they're supposed to feel. I think I've always been looking for a "better half" in people and you've made me realize that a "better half" isn't what I want or need at all. I'm really looking for something much greater than that and when I least expected it you were there to fill all the cracks in my psyche and somehow be okay with the flaws in my personality and basically be everything I was hoping for and so much more.
Thank you for being everything I want and need and didn't even know I needed. Thank you for being you, the better half that isn't really a half at all because without you I'd be less of a person, less than the half you've helped me become and that you continue to push me toward becoming. Thank you for being a pillar of strength, a shoulder to cry (and sleep) on, and, quite frequently, the adhesive keeping me from falling apart. And thank you for letting me be something similar for you, for letting me give you at least a fraction of what you are always giving me.
I don't know who I would be right now if I hadn't met you and let you make me fall in love with you totally and completely. And I always find it kind of funny when you ask me, "What are you up to?" because every time the first thought that runs through my mind is, "Thinking about you, thanking my lucky stars that I have you, wishing you were here".
So I'm sorry if I seem somewhat removed when we have to say goodbye--I just know I won't cry and I won't be sad because saying goodbye to you means I get to say hello very soon. And saying hello to you is one of my favourite things--your whole face lights up and it's as if I am something important and bright in your life and I live just to bring that light to your eyes.
No distance is too great a distance for that hello.
I'm just waiting to say hello to my better "half" again. <3