And, yes...Oh, wow...
You know that feeling when everything seems aligned? When you are sure that all the fish in the sea and and all the leaves in the trees and all the stars in the sky are perfectly positioned, and cheering - even egging - you on and offering their blessing? When is feels cosmic and right and like nothing can go wrong? That's what last weekend felt like.
The weather was perfect, so perfect that it seemed unreal. The air was soft and light and cheerful. There was sunshine and a slight breeze and the temperature was what Goldilocks would call "just right". And it was.
I had been planning the weekend for months. I started in January. In Den Bosch Monique and I visited the jeweler who had made her wedding rings. We contemplated pieces of steel and black pearls and exotic shapes and it all got complicated but exciting. Later things got simpler.
Monique also joined me for a reconaissance mission in Amsterdam. We visited various restaurants. I asked around. What would you suggest? Some place intimate, but delicious. Special and memorable but unassuming. Anyone have any ideas? It took me a couple of trips to the city to find the right fit.
In the Lloyd Hotel I went into room after room. I liked the different green wallpapers in that one and the industrial character of this one, I think Tess would like that. Ooh, and this one has a swing; that's a bonus. And that one has an amazing view. All very nice, but, are there still more room? More options? I want to make sure I make the right choice. The hotel management didn't seem to mind and when I asked to come back the next week to have another look, to see the two prime candidates again with fresh eyes, they simply gave me the keys and I was able to wander and debate and decide on my own.
And then I needed to keep it all a secret. For months. I needed to act like our weekend to Amsterdam was just about celebrating our two year anniversary, and, no, I didn't have anything else planned. All those questions about ring size and how did she feel about onyx, that was all just by the by.
It was already an intense week with emotion running. The Sunday before Tess' aunt and godmother, Dora, had passed away. ( I wrote about her once, incompletely, here.) Tess loved her dearly and the death was sudden. I will write more about the funeral and Tess's realtionship with her aunt later. But for now, suffice to say, the week was emotional. The funeral was Friday in Didam and on Wednesday we had decided to spend Friday night in Amsterdam as well because we were going to be going to a lecture at the John Adam's Institute. It seemed silly to head back to Amersfoort only to return early the next morning. And it was our weekend and a bit of luxury was allowed.
We knew we wanted to visit both the Joods Historisch Museum (Jewish History Museum), with its Chagall exhibition, and the Tassenmuseum (Bag / Purse Museum), so I looked for a hotel in the neighborhood. The Eden Hotel near the Rembrandtplein came out as an option. This is not a hotel that Tess and I would normally choose or stay in. It is a bit too generic, a bit too business like, a bit too high end, but for a night, it was fine and the location was great.
The lecture wound up being canceled due to the volcano. And as I write this, I realize that, no, of course not all the stars were aligned. It wasn't the universe that was making everything seemed so perfect and right. It was simply our love. It was simply the fact that I adore Tess and want to spend my life with her and express this feeling in some substantial way. But maybe the lecture being canceled was also a blessing, because after the funeral we were exhausted and thus we didn't have to rush. Tess took a nap at home while I called my parents before we left for Amsterdam. We didn't arrive at the hotel till near ten o' clock.
We drank overpriced mojitos in the the swanky hotel lobby before crashing in our too soft hotel beds. We could of slept anywhere and it was fine and when we woke Saturday morning to sunlight and cherry blossoms we were happy.
The view out of our hotel room window
The night before we had seen that there was a Coffee Company around the corner from the hotel. We headed there for breakfast. We ate chocolate croissants and drank a latte and black coffee respectively while also reading our respective books.
Tess engrossed in Andre Agassi's autobiography "Open"
There were flowers next to my chair and the light shining through them was exquisite.
I loved the way the light was caught in the dusty pollen of the lily stamens.
Tess had a plan and because we were only around the corner from Vlieger Papier, we *needed* to go there. And we did. It is heaven for paper lovers, and as Tess is a paper lover, that was ideal.
Then we were off to the Joods Historisch Museum (JHM) and on the way I took lots of picture of public spaces and how people were using benches and clustering and the like. I won't bore you with all that now. Suffice to say it was a beautiful spring day and everything was shining.
Shining in a sort of happy, dandelion yellow kind of way.
And the Magnolias were blooming and everyone was outside and seemingly joyous and alive.
After the JHM we picked up our bags and headed to the Lloyd where we lunched in all that shiney, yellow sunshine on Oysters and drank what I want to call prosecco but know wasn't. Regardless; it was delicious and we were happy as, uh, clams.
The outdoor cafe.
When we went to sign in at reception, my heart nearly fell. The women behind the counter asked us, "Did you get married today?" and we looked at each other and her in confusion. "No, why?"
"Well, it says here that you are a "bruidspaar" (newleyweds).
"That's strange." I responded. "Not sure why that is." I put in for good measure. I was very cool, very nonchalant, but I was sure that Tess was suspicious.
We walked through the lobby holding hands. The air smelled liked freesia and in the elevator we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Tess remarked, "I wonder why they had noted that we were a bruidspaar."
"Maybe because the room is used for that purpose a lot?" I said deadpan. "Wait till you see our room. Maybe that is an explanation." I said.
It was such a lovely room...
Oh the light! Oh the high ceilings and beautiful windows! Oh the piano ( which would have been a touch better if we could play...) !
Tess has a thing for spiral staircases. How happy was I when I found this room. The stair case leads to a loft where there is a bed for 8 people, yes 8 people. And, a bed for 8 is even better when there are just 2 people in it. Yes it is.
The bed, or at least part of it. The bed was too big to fit in my lens. Also, a smart person would have photographed this before, uh...sleeping in it, but, well, we were more interested in enjoying than documenting the moment at that point and thus, you get this rumpled, used version.
I couldn't help but be silly and take this picture in the mirror. It was a bit like a fun house, and this tiny mirror gave a pleasing, if distorted, view of reality.
Outside the hotel, walking towards the metro, everything was sharper, clearer. We were headed to dinner at a restaurant on the IJ, Pier 10.
I am realizing now that it would have been nice if I had taken some pictures of the restaurant. But it isn't really the kind of restaurant you take pictures of. From the outside it looks a bit like a cabin or cantine. The paint is peeling and the window pains are an ugly shade of turquoise. But inside, in the front of the restaurant there is a small room with only a few tables where one is sitting practically on the water. And I liked the idea that this intimate, unassuming location would not be suspect.
A blond waitress in pants that looked like a skirt seated us in the front room. We were the only people there and we could choose whichever table we wished. We chose one in corner, a bit hidden, set a bit a part. She told us in a skipping voice about fish and salads and specials of the day. I had to ask her to repeat herself. It all sounded fresh. Tess ordered linguini with mushrooms as starter and a prime rib as the main course. I chose a salad and a fish called "meerval". Everything was light and well flavoured and just enough. The room slowly filled and I debated how I was going to proceed with the evening.
I wanted to ask Tess to marry me in a classic way. She is someone who appreciates traditions and ceremonies. I had debated giving the box with the ring in it to the wait staff. Then they could bring it with dessert. But I rejected this idea. I wanted to be in control. I wanted to be able to feel the safety of the box in my purse, should I want or need to. But this way, I could wait forever.
It had been my intention to get down on my knee, to very classically lower myself onto the floor and present Tess with the ring in a manner that suggested to her that I was humbling myself, maybe even begging for her to honor me with her word. But I didn't dare. There were only a few table in the room, but it was still a frightening prospect and if I was honest with myself, it would have been a frightening prospect even if there was no one else in the room. Just asking, just saying the words out loud and giving someone else the power and chance to reject you - even knowing that she wouldn't - was scary enough.
After we ordered desert Tess went to the restroom. I saw my chance. I put the box on the table. If I put it on the table, it was there. I couldn't turn back. Once the black box was resting on the place where Tess' plate had been only minutes before, I couldn't look at it. I couldn't look in the direction I knew she would be coming either. I was so nervous that the only place I could look was out the window. I studied the water. I observed the way the setting sun reflected on the shiney buildings in the business. I felt myself breathing. I felt myself waiting and thinking, "Okay, Carrie, you are going to do this. You love this girl. You love her more than you have ever loved anyone or anything and you are going to promise her that you will be there for her. You are going to commit to this and let her know exactly how much she means to you." I watched the buildings and they all nodded yes. The water moved up and down and Tess came back.
She saw the box and smiled. She might have said something like, "Oh, a present." I'm not sure. I was so aware of my breathing and trying so hard to keep myself on the chair, and wondering if I should go down on my knee now, or should I wait, or shouldn't I do it, or maybe I should. And she opened the box. "Oh, a ring." she might have said. It didn't seem like she had any idea what the ring meant, what it might mean. Did she not realize or was she just being careful?
In the movies people always seem to ask these things in eloquent ways, and when one is preparing such an event, it all sounds very eloquent as well. I don't know what I said, but I am pretty certain it was not eloquent. It seems I managed to get some words like marry, marriage, me, you, want and other such indicators out. At some point she knew this was a proposal and I could see the tears welling in her eyes and all she kept saying was, "Wow...wow...wow..." There was no clear "Yes.", no clear moment when I asked and she answered, no clear moment when we both knew. The agreement, the understanding, the asking and answering, they just sort of blended into each other. And then, yes, we both knew. Yes, we both wanted to marry each other, and, yes, we both wanted to be with each other, and, yes, this was not to be taken lightly, and, yes, I know how she feels about promises, and, no, I would never ask unless I meant it with every bit of my being, and, yes, I still wanted to ask, and, yes, I still wanted to marry her, and yes, she wanted to marry me. And, "Wow..." Wow!
A couple of times I went to maybe, kind of bend my knee. I could still kneel. Should I still kneel? "Shall I still kneel?" I asked her. "No." she said, looking around, not wanting to draw attention, wanting this to be just about us. Wanting it to be real before it was part of anything beyond the two of us. I stood up to embrace her. She looked at me. I sat back down again. Unsure I started to stand up again. Sat again. Made little standing sitting movement for a bit and then decided to stay seated.
And she loved the ring. It was perfect. Simple. Silver. With text. And she loves text, typography. And the text itself was perfect, with special meaning to us. "DOOR ALLE MUREN HEEN" (roughly: through all walls" ) was engraved in simple, clear capital letters across the band. It referred to the conversation we had on our first date, when she explained about the glass walls she always surrouned herself with. It referred to the letter that I sent the next day expressing that I also had such walls. And it referred to the fact that I wanted to, that I was sure that we would, work together in the future to pass through / conquer / do whatever it is that it is necessary to do to get through walls. We would deal with the walls together. Yes, it was the right text. And yes, it was the right ring, and, yes, she would marry me.
During all of this, during this discussion of the ring and my explanation of my choice and her confirming that it was the right choice, and "Oh, wow, yes..." a heron landed on the railing on the fence just outside the window. He stood there for a few minutes and we watched him and he watched us. He seemed to agree. Yes...yes. I took out my camera to take a picture. He stood still and moments after the picture was made, he flew away again. I tried to capture him lifting into flight, but he was already gone and the moment had passed.
We left the restaurant quickly. We wanted to be with just the two of us. As we walked to the subway she reached for my hand, as she often does, and she held it and I held hers. Walking together, hand in hand it just felt right. Tess looked at me on occasion and kept saying, "Wow..." Yes, wow.
In the hotel Tess asked if she could call her sister. With her arm around me she dialed the phone and told Mieke "I've been proposed to..." And then Mieke said "Wow..." and asked all the appropriate questions and told Tess to tell me that I have a prachtvrouw - a beautiful woman. I agreed and said, "Yes, I know." Such an incredibly beautiful woman I have. I kissed Tess on my favorite spot on her cheek and we held each other both rather taken away by how blessed and lucky and happy we are.
Warning, I haven't reread or edited any of this, so my apologies if it is one big rambling, unreadable mess. But if I waited any longer till I had time to write something perfect it would be June 17th 2011 already. (Yes, that's the tenative date, so mark your calenders.)