open ☾ When people run in circles, it's...

[pplrunincircles]

[OOC: edging towards insanity. ;_; I know it's hard to tag and might be until she snaps out of it for anyone that decides to thread w/ her. Since I know it's confusing, there's only demon blood and it's on her hands and shirt and specks on her face.]

a mad world

I am an angel of death. You only see me before you die.An angel of death walks down a

Comments

[destroytheother]

It's all been a waiting game, really.

Josef demanded a long time ago that no expiration dates be placed on them, but deep down he's known, always known, and lately--lately. There's growing panic threatening to stumble its way out of his throat the later it becomes and Elizabeth doesn't get home. Normally, this is not a big deal. There are nights neither of them even get home, for their own reasons, for their own Callings, for whatever it may be that keeps them away.

It feels different this time, from the last time he saw her before, to knowing and lately--lately. He's been battling that feeling, the feeling that she might slowly begin to slip away until he just finally can't reach her anymore, and it's terrifying.

And she's never stopped, not once, never stopped helping people die, and he's known it and understood it and hated it, all at once. Josef looks for her where he thinks he might find her, an urgency to his steps that is completely rare for someone so collected

[pplrunincircles]

She stops walking when someone stops in front of her. If people only see her before they die, she needs to see them, see their death, see-- Elizabeth looks up at him at the sound of his voice. She looks. The angel is looking, searching his eyes for death but she finds none. "It's not there." There's no death in his gaze, not this week. It won't be this week, and it takes a little while longer for it to click into her head what he has said. It takes even longer for her to recognize him.

There's nothing in the world that will ever reach to her the way that Josef does without even trying, at every dark moment. It takes longer than it ever has before. She's just staring, and it's not at him for the longest time. It's pushing and shoving past screams and blood and screams and pain, but it's those words that pull through to her and pull her out.

Elizabeth, it's JosefSomehow it sounds more like her name when he is the one saying it

[destroytheother]

It's not there, she says, and somehow, he knows what she means. Every Calling, for every person, it's different but some things are immediately recognizable, and that--that look in her eye, the one that's all angel, that can't and doesn't know anything else, it's familiar to him. It's how he feels, how he looks when there's only the demon, and that's all there is

[pplrunincircles]

It's not there. There is no death. That is what the angel needs to do. It is what she is supposed to do, but there's more than that and Elizabeth is trying to push past the need to walk away, to walk until someone else is found. Because if it goes on like that, she will die in a few days if not sooner, wander right into death itself.

Like embracing a very old friend for the final time.

Hello again. This is the first and last time that we'll meet like this.

People, loving, sleeping, enjoying, eating, everything else falls away because she is no longer a person with needs, with wants, with desires. She is an angel of death, neither young nor old. The angel of death just is, but the angel of death is in a body that is far too human.

No, it's not there.

"But--" But people only see me when- She closes her eyes tightly, trying to push through it. It's like a fog. It's like so much screaming, and she takes in a sharp breath like she's been hit in the stomach

[destroytheother]

Josef is keenly aware there's a precarious balance and she's walking a very fine line with it. Any further to the side and she falls for good. Fear grips him tightly, like a fist inside his chest, and he forces himself to release the breath that's been caught in his throat from the moment he saw her, walking aimlessly, blood over her.

Later, he tells himself. He will register all of that later.

For now, it's about getting Elizabeth back, quieting the angel long enough to get her home, away from the potential of more death, and this is ChicagoDeath and blood and violence and death is everywhere, eating away at everything

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth swallows back some feeling in her throat that she doesn't recognize. There's so much about the world that she doesn't recognize. Josef is familiar, and she clutches to him, but the rest is-- the rest is like some kind of blur that she can't process appropriately.

Her brain freezes when she tries or it's just searching, and it's a very thin thread that she holds on to, that's Josef that's pulling her back on this thin thread. She knows how he feels under her hand even when he's wearing a shirt, and she can clutch hold of him as tightly as she is as if that somehow strengthens the invisible thread.

But nothing. She breathes in, nodding though she doesn't know what she's agreeing to because she doesn't know what she said before. Elizabeth doesn't know what she is but-ing but she doesn't trust her own brain right now. Not when she doesn't know how she got here, when she doesn't know what she last remembers

[destroytheother]

Josef lets her clutch him to her, lets himself be held and holds her back just as tightly.

Every step feels like some long mile, endless, ultimately leading nowhere. That's not true, and he knows it, but it's times like these where it really feels that way, and something crushes itself against the walls of his chest.

It's a physical pain, and he pushes that aside, as well. He tries to smile when she finally looks at him. Tries, but fails, because that hurts, too. Seeing how little she recognizes it all hurts, too.

Josef doesn't quicken his pace, much as he wants to run back to their apartment, as if that will help, as if that will keep it at bay, the cracks and the edges and the not knowing. He keeps having to swallow back the panic threatening to overtake him, and folds her nestly into his side, keeping his arm wrapped around her.

It's only until they're inside that he can breathe a little easier.

Only a little.

I hate this so much. Josef pulls her to him, holds her tightly, arms wrapped around her though he tries to remain

[pplrunincircles]

There is nothing at all that she is aware of other than him on the walk back. It is only him. It is only him and the harsh sound of her own breathing in her ears, and she closes her eyes as they walk so that is all there is. So there is no one else that they could run into on the way back home. Home. She has a home.

It becomes familiar to her once she steps through the door. This place is safe, and its theirs. There isn't any death here. There is so much Elizabeth. There is so much Josef, but there is no death and there is no fear except what lingers within them tonight

[destroytheother]

The street is thankfully deserted. Josef does not know what would've happened if there'd been another person, another body, an altercation, something that would've interrupted the process. He holds his breath until they reach the threshold and it's only then he lets his shoulders relax the barest of fractions. It's too small to be noticeable.

The rest of him is tense, like his skin is stretched too tightly over bones, and Josef closes the door behind him, watches as she sinks into the couch. It's so similar, the look of her, to all those months ago he found her standing at the window, the cracks inside her mind starting to show.

It was only a matter of time, wasn't it?

"I know you wouldn't," he says. It's important for her to know that. "None of waht you're feeling means you would take any of it back. It's been a big part of you and you have. You've helped so many people, but not just because you're an angel. You've helped me, purely as Elizabeth. You've done so much and you should be proud of that. Of every death

[pplrunincircles]

It was only a matter of time. She tried not to put expiration dates on it, but they both knew that it would be coming. It's who they are. It's what they are. Angel and demon. Insanity is inevitable.

She knew it. Elizabeth knew it over a year ago when she first really felt what it's like to find the edges in her mind. It hurts. It hurts even more knowing that there's no way to go but spiraling down. She'll come out of it now maybe a little bit. It's hard to tell in her head with the blurring and the thudding.

Elizabeth swallows, holding on to the words that he is giving to her. Every word. She feels the truth of it in the tone of his voice and can feel it reaching into her heart, gripping hold of something in there that strengthens. It's more powerful than screaming and blurring.

She looks up at him again and nods. "I am. I'm proud. I'm so proud of it. I'm most happy... that I could help you, and I--" Her breath hitches, and she presses her lips together. "You've helped me too. So much. I know what love is and that's mine. Only

[destroytheother]

Josef smiles faintly, smiles past the feeling that something's rupturing within his ribcage, smiles through the urge to scream and tear something, someone, anyone apart. There's nothing and no one to blame. The ending that comes for them, it all exists in their minds, inside of them, and he can't tear that apart. Not when it's such a big part of her.

Not when it's such a big part of him.

"You've helped me more than anyone ever has in my whole life," he says, picking up her hand and bringing it to his lips. He holds it there, before he slips his other hand over it as well, both hands covering her own. Smaller, more fragile. In between his two hands. "You taught me more than anyone else has. I'm who I am because of you, Elizabeth."

And it has nothing to do with death or fear. It hasn't had much to do with his Calling or hers. It's often been in spite of it, even. In spite of how different they are, how different they have always been.

"It's not just about dying," he corrects her. Death has been a big part of her life, but no, it's

[pplrunincircles]

Somehow. Somehow Elizabeth manages to smile back at him. She doesn't know if it is the sight of the faint smile on his face that pulls at her, that he's smiling when he feels the way that he does. She knows. Without him showing it. There's no one to tear apart.

There's no one to fight against. It is what it is, what it always would be. From the very start.

"I love... who you are," Elizabeth says as she looks at him, and she can still smile because of that, because of what he has said and what it means. "You helped me most too. I woulda been-- I wouldn't have made it this long." Not without him.

And she has had such wonderful memories, wonderful experiences in that time with him and with other people. She's been able to help more people because of him, which is important to her. It is so important to her even when she hates it and she's angry about it

[destroytheother]

"I know you do," Josef says, and the words are soft but they carry weight to them. It's been so important to him, and it didn't always show, but that didn't mean it wasn't always true. "You're the only one that has, you know. Loved me just as I am. Not in spite of it. Just because

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth smiles at him when he says that, and she is so grateful and relieved that she could be someone that could do that for him, that could love him as he is. Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. If they don't have it, they get lost to this world and this city.

She loves him so much, beyond measure, beyond words. It's in everything she knows and does and feels, and it is always-- it is always with her. If Elizabeth is present, her love for him is present too stronger than nearly anything

[destroytheother]

Josef doesn't move as she nods against him, not at first

[destroytheother]

She is so young and it's not fair.

"I did," he says with another nod, clearing his throat, holding her closer, as close as he possibly can. "I did say that to you. I think it's okay for us to be tired from time to time. It's okay for you to be tired and hate it even if it doesn't last, even if it's just for that moment. You're allowed and it isn't wrong. It might feel that way but it's not wrong, Elizabeth. It's only human. You're human, too."

If she didn't, it wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't feel like it does now.