The last person on earth he expects to find is Lucky.
Not that he expected to find himself with anyone from Port Charles, since he was told quite bluntly he couldn't go back home and he shouldn't expect to see his family again. Sometimes, Wanderers are met with good people that will try to be helpful. Other times, they'll be met with people who are disdainful of Wanderers and will paint the truth the blackest as it can be.
Welcome to Chicago, asshole. You can't ever go back home, simple as that.
Nikolas almost believes he's hearing things.
Aside from the fact he didn't expect to find Lucky here, he didn't expect Lucky to be... happy to see him.
Not that he'd ever blame him for it. Nikolas broke his brother's trust and heart in the most painful of ways. Lucky was right, in the end. He's a Cassadine, down to his rotten core, and his own selfish desire won over his brother's own happiness.
He's never going to forgive himself for that, and he can't expect Lucky to.
The self-loathing and the shame he keeps well-hidden rises up his throat almost immediately, and it's only eclipsed by his own sheer relief. His brother is here and somehow they'll find a way out of here.
"Lucky," he says, the sheer relief breaking through in that name alone. He stands up and moves clsoer, but pauses as if unsure of how to proceed. Only a year ago he'd have hugged Lucky tightly to him--ever since he's been moving through uncharted waters. "Thank God you're here. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind."
And with his family's track record, that's not entirely a farfetched concern.
It has been more than eight months since Lucky has seen Nikolas. He flew to Ireland without telling many people certainly not Nikolas.
The relationship between them had become so strained, and he saw Nikolas and Elizabeth and it was the image of everything that he had wanted then and had been shattered.
It has shifted since then. Lucky is absolutely and completely in love with Lena, and he has a new dream with her. He wants to marry and have a family with her, and he knows that it's very possible, that she will never hurt him like Elizabeth did. Because she's not Elizabeth and never could be. The old ones don't exist in any form anymore. There's not a shattered mess of his heart anymore. There's not this constant pain and betrayal to work through, and there's no looking to find himself and to find a purpose like he had been when Nikolas last saw him.
Lucky found himself again with Lena. She helped to repair his heart, and he understands how short life can be intimately from his time with the Crowbar. They don't let moments or people slip by them, because of how easily they can be lost, because of how short life can be.
He has changed since when he fell through the Rift.
It's been eight months, and Nikolas cannot know that, but it's not the same. Lucky's not the same, and he's happy to see Nikolas again as much as he hates to think of what he has been taken from too.
Lucky releases a breath at the sound of Nikolas' voice saying his name. It's him. He sees that hesitance, but he steps forward, hugging Nikolas tightly to him. It's been eight months, and he thought it would be never again. That changes things too.
"You're not," he says, knowing what's unspoken there, knowing the twisted history of the Cassadine's. Lucky pulls back, hand on his arm for a moment before it too falls to the side. He rubs a hand over his face. "You're not. You're not at all. It's Chicago. Everything you've heard, it's all true." Even the never going back. "Have you been here long?"
There's a slight, slight pause.
Lucky knows this next part is going to take some time to sink in.
"I've been here eight months. They're right about there being no way back too."
Lucky finding out about the affair was like having a switch flipped back on. His impassive demeanor belied what was truly months of self-loathing and self-recrimination. He genuinely believed himself to be in love with Elizabeth and he sees now that he wasn't, really. Which makes it all the more damning since in the process, destroyed what mattered most to him--his relationship with his brother.
The years it took to fight centuries of an ancient rivalry were all for naught.
Emily died. And when she did, the very best parts of Nikolas died along with her.
Ever since, most of the choices he's made and the mistakes he's piled onto his back, it's been due to him chasing after something illusory; something that can't ever be his again. He's hurt a lot of people in the process.
Whether he meant to or not--and he didn't, certainly not Lucky--it was irrelevant. Everyone pays for their sins sooner or later, and he's been waiting to see how he'd pay his--and now he knows.
Nikolas isn't expecting the embrace. It catches him completely off guard, but he returns it, hugging him back tightly, gratefully, almost like he's not sure if he should. "It's good to see you," he says, clearing his throat. A heavy breath is released, and he closes his eyes, nodding to himself.
"Several hours," Nikolas answers once he's stepped back, and he keeps a hand clasped on Lucky's shoulder, as if he doesn't, his brother might disappear on him. He shakes his head, a humorless laugh wanting to escape his lips, but it doesn't. "I trust in your word," Nikolas adds slowly, hoping this isn't taken the wrong way. "Be that as it may, you'll forgive me if I'm not quick to believe in this nonsense."
That's what it is to him.
Nonsense, except Lucky goes on to say he's been here eight months, and Nikolas almost staggers backward with the revelation. "That's not possible," he says, though he sounds less certain than he did moments ago. "You were in Ireland just last night, Lucky. I saw you much less than eight months ago."
Lucky never would have expected of it from Nikolas because of Emily. He loved Emily so much, but it would make sense to him now. As much sense as there can possibly be found, people do crazy things in their grief. They do things they wouldn't ordinarily do, and they look for whatever they can find to fill that ache.
He thought about it constantly in the aftermath.
Lucky tried to pull the pieces apart especially when it came to Elizabeth, because he knew all that time, all those months that something was wrong. He asked her time and again. He offered to break off the engagement. For months, she did not sleep with him at all and it was because she was with Nikolas.
He knew for a week before he informed them that he knew the truth. Inform might not be the exact, correct word for it, but for that week, he pulled it all apart in his head. Every interaction with her, every interaction with his brother. Lucky obsessed over it, and there were times when he had been certain he lost his mind.
Like destroying the inside of his own home.
That's all behind him now. Lucky doesn't obsess over it anymore. He doesn't wonder about what he could have done differently or how he should have seen it long before he walked in on it. Chicago is his life now. The Crowbar and Lena, they're his life and his future, and the past will always be there too, but he's just- he's not the same.
"It's... God, man, I really can't begin to say how good it is to see you too," Lucky says, and that's said sincerely. His voice is a little shaky. "But I'm sorry... you have to be here, taken away from... everything back home, Aiden and Spencer."
And that's just as sincere. It's a strange conflict of feelings.
Lucky nods at the answer. He hasn't been here long at all, which is a comfort. He would hate to think of his brother being here all this time without him having a single idea. Lucky smiles a little at what he says, at the 'nonsense'. "You wouldn't be you, Nikolas, if you believed in something like this quickly."
He knows his brother well, and he's in no hurry to convince him either. Nikolas will find out one way or another.
Lucky winces, looking away. So somehow Nikolas has come from the exact time that he has despite the fact that Lucky has been gone for eight months. Gotta love Rifts. "It's how these Rifts work. I know... that it doesn't make any sense, but I've been here for eight months. I've seen the angels and the demons and... the monsters. I was almost eaten by Godzilla once. I don't expect you to believe any of this right now, but I'm just telling you what's... happened."
It's like being split in half. Nikolas knew what he was doing was wrong. Worse than wrong, it was selfish and inconceivable. The half of him that knew it looked on as the other half of him couldn't stop himself, actively pursuing someone that his brother had loved with his whole heart for years. He sits in the dark sometimes, surrounded by the imposing loneliness of his own home, and he tries to picture Emily's reaction.
All the ways he's failed her the same way he failed Lucky.
It hurts to picture it, but he can, easily because he knew her so well, like the back of his hand. She'd have smacked some sense into him. She always had that talent.
It hurts to picture it but it's necessary, too.
It's the least he deserves.
Nikolas differs to Lucky when it comes to showing their emotions. ... They differ in a lot of ways, but particularly in how they reveal, or don't reveal, their emotions. He's destroyed at the thought of never seeing his sons again. He's the only thing Spencer has in the world, and Aiden would still have Elizabeth, but Nikolas is his father. His father by blood and any other way that counts--and he should be there with them.
It hasn't sunk in yet, but once it does, he'll mourn privately. He was raised a certain way, and while he's changed since coming to America, some things always remain, deep into a Cassadine's bones--emotions aren't meant to be easily spotted in one's sleeve.
He clears his throat again and looks down, nodding at what Lucky says. "I won't be deterred by what I've been told. I'll find a way back to my sons," he says, and it rings hollow even as he says it. Lucky has been here for eight months. Eight months. Eight-- he keeps a hand clasped on Lucky's shoulder. "Circumstances not withstanding, it's very good to see you, brother. I... wasn't sure when I would again."
All the while Nikolas thought him in Ireland, hoping he wouldn't get himself killed in the process. Not that he found out by Lucky he was there. He didn't expect to be informed. Strained is putting it lightly. Their relationship was beyond fixing. That's how it felt--hopeless. Destroyed for good.
Because of what he did.
Somehow, Lucky allowing him his delusion makes it worse.
Maybe because deep down, Nikolas knows the truth and he's just refusing to see it. His whole world has been turned upside down, and he's someone that's prided himeslf on understanding his surroundings. Angels and demons exist. Tears in space and time exist. Different worlds and different universes--different versions of themselves, if he's been here this long and Nikolas didn't know it.
"Godz--" Nikolas doesn't finish the sentence. Doesn't even finish the word as it's drowned out by one sputtered and disbelieving laugh. He sits back down on the bench and covers his face with one hand, as if the gesture alone will conceal the reaction. It's sinking into him now. It's different when he hears it from a stranger off the street to when he's hearing it from his very own brother.
"This is really happening?" he asks, and he doesn't want the answer but he asks anyway, knowing that answer.
"You're telling me you've been here... on your own, for eight months?"
Lucky knows that if Emily were still alive it never would have happened. She had a beautiful, amazing affect on Nikolas, and he doesn't know what it is like to lose someone he is in love with as deeply as the two of them were in love.
Not to death.
He loved Elizabeth with his whole heart, and he lost her to betrayal but that is an entirely different kind of losing, an entirely different kind of pain that comes laced with a different kind of anger.
There's blame on either side. Loss to death or loss to betrayal, Lucky still felt like he should have noticed. He should have done something else, and it's nothing he revealed to either Nikolas or Elizabeth. When he told them he knew, it was all about the two of them and their mistakes and their failings.
Nikolas tried to protect her like the prince that he is, but Lucky shoved it all aside to spew poison at them both.
When he was by himself, the voices in his head said it was him too. He was not enough. He should have seen He was angry at the both of them and angry at himself.
Lucky almost-- he almost knows what it's like to lose someone he loves more than anyone else, that makes him a better person, because he almost lost Lena. It was so, so close, and the thought of it alone is enough to nearly overwhelm him in its strength and its pain. He doesn't know what it would make of him to lose her.
He doesn't know what would remain, but a loss like what Nikolas has experienced will change anyone. Nikolas doesn't have to wear those emotions on his sleeve for Lucky to know that they are there.
I'll find a way back to my sons.
Lucky closes his eyes at that but nods again. He looks at Nikolas one more time. There's a part of him that wonders if he shouldn't have fought harder, but he was in a different place when he fell through. He fell through after he went to Ireland, part in search for who he was and he found that in Chicago. "I know you won't, but I don't... want you to get your hopes up. They have been looking for decades."
They being everyone. The reality is that it will be decades more before anything is found if it ever is.
He smiles a little at him when he says he wasn't sure when he would again. There's some sadness in it as he shakes his head. "I was planning on coming back after Ireland, you know," Lucky says though he knows what Nikolas is referring to, and a part of him-- it wouldn't have minded if he didn't come back.
He was prepared to take risks, reckless as Lulu would say and that is eventually what would drive his sister to fly after him. In an attempt to keep him from getting himself killed. Not that Lucky knows this.
Lucky slides his hands into his pockets, well aware their relationship is far from repaired simply because of the time that has passed for Lucky and the new future and new life he has for himself. He watches his brother sit back on the bench, knowing there is no comfort that comes with this realization.
He remains standing. "It really is. This is real. It's Chicago, and there are no roads back and no favors that can be called in," he says, knowing that Nikolas knows without him answering but he has to. Because he's Nikolas' brother and he will give him the truth as much as he wouldn't mind if Nikolas held on to those delusions for a little while longer.
Lucky shakes his head at the question. He hasn't felt like he was alone, not for a long, long time. "For eight months I've been here but I haven't... been on my own. I have a family. They're not the kind you find behind a white picket fence like I always thought I wanted, but they're where I belong and... I have someone I love, more than anything. She helped me find myself again when I needed it most. I... want you to meet them."
He grew up in a lonely way, without knowing their mother's love the way he'd know it later. He was raised a Cassadine and he was raised to hate Spencers. And then he met these people, these amazing people who'd teach him more than he'd ever learned before. What he couldn't learn with expensive schooling and that vast library he devoured from start to finish.
Nikolas remembers when it was the four of them.
Emily and Elizabeth and Lucky and him. The Four Musketeers.
Solving a mystery over the summer or growing up together, it felt like nothing could tear them apart. He'd never been naive, but he'd allowed himself to think that when they were together, even if it took years before him and Emily finally fell in love.
Or rather, he fell in love with her much later and didn't see what was right in front of him. She was so young at first, and he'd seen her as a little sister. It wasn't until she came back--it wasn't until she came back and got sick Nikolas knew that he loved her and he always had. There'd always been the possibility of losing her. She had cancer and it was always a possibility that she could die.
And she got better, she fought back with the cancer and she got better, and it never crossed his mind that she would die, that he would lose her at such a young age.
He held her dead body in his arms.
You don't come back from that. Not the same.
God, and it seems like the life of someone else.
She would be so disappointed in him. He isn't sure of much but he's sure of that. She would be disappointed in him after all the expectations she'd had of him, but never as much as he's been disappointed in himself. He betrayed his brother, he betrayed her memory, he betrayed himself and everything he swore he'd stood for. He looks back on it now, the past year, and he hardly recognizes himself. He doesn't have a justifiable explanation for it.
There's no explanation for something like that, and he'd tried to keep Lucky focusing all his anger on him because he felt he deserved it most. He could yell at him all he wanted, punch him, do whatever he had to do, and Nikolas felt it would be deserved.
The words cut deeply but they don't hold a candle to the way they both hurt Lucky instead.
"So I've been told," Nikolas says, placing both his hands in front of him. He's always been one for formality, even when he's relaxed, not that he's relaxed now. It's something that he doesn't notice, his posture and his way of carrying himself. "I just can't believe... something like this has existed for years, and we didn't even know."
For years, there have been these Rifts that take them from their world and deposit them here, where the unimaginable is real.
"I didn't know if we could ever..." his voice trails off. Lucky understands what he means and Nikolas finds he doesn't have the words to put together, eloquent as he's always been. He didn't know if they'd ever find their way back to being brothers. Lucky could return to Port Charles but that didn't mean he'd ever have to talk to Nikolas again, or forgive him.
"That... is surprising," Nikolas says with another small smile. He'd grown accustomed to the bitterness and the anger Lucky exhibited whenever he was within close proximity, and he didn't know if he'd ever--if he'd ever pull himself back from that ledge. Anything can happen in eight months, but it's another surprise to take in with everything else.
Unlike the other surprises, this isn't necessarily a bad one. He'd worry this is Lucky rushing into something while the wounds he and Elizabeth caused are still fresh, but falling into a completely different new world is a game changer, isn't it?
"I'm glad you weren't alone. I would be honored to meet them, if you'd like me to."
It's that simple.
He hasn't been a good brother, and he wants to be. He wants to make ammends for his mistakes. Maybe there's a reason he is here, they both fell through, away from Port Charles and the world that they come from.
They were raised completely different. He had Laura from the start, and he had a family. He knew he could rely on his father and his mother even as they moved from place to place. However, he was told that he should hate his Nikolas because their fathers hated each other, because he was a Cassadine.
That was supposed to be all it took.
Somehow-- Somehow and Lucky isn't entirely sure how it happened sometimes. Everything pointed against it happening. Their families were so against each other, but somehow they became friends and they worked past that.
There were times when their families hatred came back and tried to come between them. Again and again. It was a rough road.
However, they were always able to be friends after everything else they went through. They did so much to repair their relationship, and it's something he threw in Nikolas' face when he found out the truth, one of many things. He knew.
He knew, and they didn't know that he knew, but he wanted to make them squirm. It's that darkness that he has told Lena about that's inside of him, and he's so scared of it because he has used it to hurt people he's loved and people he didn't love. He brought a gun with him when he went to convince Nikolas to stay. He held a gun in his hand as he went over everything that had happened.
Lucky wanted to make them hurt, to drag it out, to shove guilt into them knowing that guilt was never enough to keep them out of bed with each other, that their love for him was not enough.
At the time, he didn't know that it was love at all.
But Nikolas was never the same after losing Emily. Lucky wouldn't expect him or anyone else to be the same after something like that. It changes- it would change anyone as it would change Lucky if he ever lost Lena, and there's an inevitability in loss as much as it doesn't stop him from living.
Someone has to die first, has to be lost first.
He doesn't think about it often especially now that they have the possibility for so much more time. However, it's true. Loss is all around them. The Crowbar has been changed by it, and he loves them now. He only knew them after their losses, but he knows they are not the same as they were before.
No one can be.
And he loves his brother, no matter what, no matter how much he hated him for that year and has hated him in the past. At the end of the day, he loves him.
"I know," Lucky says, shaking his head. "There was no way we could have known. We don't have the technology to notice this-- the Rifts, and they're just-- they don't happen there like they happen here."
All the time. Always something falling through or being altered by the Rifts.
Nikolas' voice trails off, and Lucky looks sideways at him. There's a moment where he flashes through his mind. "I didn't know that we could either. I was... I actually knew that we couldn't, that I... couldn't, but I've changed here and... I didn't think I'd see you again."
It changes everything. Lucky has changed.
Lucky looks at Nikolas when he reacts to what's been said, seeing that smile, and he knows why it would be surprising considering the way that Nikolas last saw him. Lucky couldn't stand to be in a room with him or Elizabeth for long though he fought past all of that to help Elizabeth when she needed it, and he was lost, and he wasn't himself. He was hurt and angry all the time, constantly.
"I... would. I really would," he says, and there's so much sincerity in it. "Your my brother, and they're the family that I've got here. I would like nothing more. Than for you... to meet them. They're angels and demons, but... they're like us. I'm sure you heard that too."
But he wants to give him the heads up beforehand.
Lucky wants it to go as smoothly as it possibly can.
There were plenty of discussions between the two of them about how wrong it was and how they were failing Lucky, but Nikolas genuinely believed himself in love.
He thought it was a chance at having what he never could again.
Nikolas had even told Elizabeth he hoped she could work things out with Lucky, despite what they'd done. Foolishly so, since there's no way--he knows there's no way that can ever be worked past. He tried placing himself in Lucky's shoes frequently, and he remembers worrying once upon a time of the closeness between Emily and Lucky.
It doesn't come close to what he and Elizabeth did.
And at the same time, he can't regret it, because it gave him Aiden.
Whatever mistakes he made, it led him to his son, and he can't regret that.
There's someone out there--two someones out there, two little boys--that look at him like he can fix the world. And he'd wanted to correct with Aiden the mistakes he'd made with Spencer.
He'd been so scared he'd screw the kid up. He'd been so scared that being his father would spell his ruin, would make him cursed the way all Cassadines seem to be cursed. He'd handed him over to nannies and tutors and people that he thought could raise him in a better way than he ever could.
And he'd been wrong.
Then Aiden came into the world and he thought finally. Finally he has his chance at doing it right, and it doesn't seem like that chance will come.
"I'm still trying to deal with the fact they happen at all," Nikolas admits to him, and he stuffs his hands into his pockets, for lacking of anything else to do with them. They furl and unfurl inside the pockets, and he doesn't know what to do with the frustration that keeps mounting.
"I was on my way to New York. I had a meeting with the board of staff there and I was already running late. Then suddenly, I'm in this park instead," he explains.
And how does that make sense?
If he tried explaining it, no one would believe him. They'd probably have him committed to Shadybrooke faster than anyone could say straitacket, and he wouldn't exactly blame them. He wouldn't believe himself except he's here.
He's here and Lucky's here, and they both fell through a Rift and ended up in Chicago through some inconceivable manner.
"I would've respected your wishes," he says, and it's not easy to talk about at all, but he brings himself to. If it's not easy on him, tough. He's the one that created this mess. Eight months might've passed for Lucky, and Nikolas can tell there's been a change, a good change. But for him, it's very recent and his guilt is fresh. "My intentions were never to hurt you, and no cost is worth losing my brother."
He clears his throat again and looks down at his hands, before glancing back up at Lucky, an indecipherable expression on his face.
"You're different," he says, and there's another small smile again.
The bitterness and the anger aren't there, and Nikolas would know if there was. He knew it the moment Lucky stopped him from leaving, his hand on the holster of his gun, that glint in his eye that told him he was slowly unraveling. He'd worried about him, worried about what he'd do, and they'd both been self-destructing for a long time in different ways.
Nikolas takes a deep breath. He'd--he doesn't know why he'd assumed the family Lucky made for himself here would be Wanderers like him.
"Lucky..." his voice trails off and he isn't sure what to say to that. He's happy, in a bittersweet way, Lucky has made a life for himself that brought about this change--his own family, Nikolas, failed him in a way he never should've, and it's his own fault Lucky couldn't rely on him anymore.
Couldn't trust him anymore.
But a family of angels and demons?
Nikolas isn't there yet. Where Lucky is, and they're so different... it's going to take a while before he wraps his head around it. Though maybe actually meeting them in the flesh might help. Nikolas still has that visual of horns and spears and--he's not exactly sure what he imagines.
"I heard about it vaguely," he says instead, settling on what's true. "I heard Callings can be dangerous and they lead to early death or insanity."
Lucky knows them both well enough to know that they had those discussions and to know that they were feeling guilt.
It is why he kept his knowledge to himself at first so he could use that against them both. He could twist the guilt, say exactly what he knew would hurt them most while playing the part of the brother, the fiance that had absolutely 'no idea' what was going on.
Why wouldn't he be good at playing that role?
He played it for months. At the time, that had been his thinking. He was so bitter, so angry, so hurt, and Lucky had wanted to lash out at everyone even people not involved got caught in his anger and his bitterness.
At the time, Lucky couldn't see out of that.
There was nothing but a very warped, skewed outlook, and there was something dangerous in his eyes. There was something terrifying inside of him. It was poisonous and terrible, and he hated it and reveled in it and never thought he could feel anything good again unless it came out of a bottle.
It's funny for all their differences Lucky has had the same fear, and although he never finds out about having a biological son, when he does, he worries about destroying that kid with his genes, with the Spencer gene for having a romance for self destruction like the Cassadines do.
They've each got their own sets of curses. Both families have been cursed with hating each other, cursed with self destructing. It's a curse, and there are times that Lucky did not believe that he would ever find happiness, ever find the family of his own that he wanted more than anything else.
But Lucky has every confidence that Nikolas makes a good father despite the Cassadine attached to his name. Even when he was angry and hurt and it was painful to look at them together, he knew that Nikolas loved that baby and would be a good father to him.
Now he is here. There's no getting back to his sons, and at least while he was here, he thought Nikolas would take care of his sons along with Elizabeth. They could have a father figure in their lives, but now that Nikolas is here and the Lucky where he's from is in Ireland.
There's no telling what will happen to those or who will be that person in their lives. He still thinks about Cam and Jake a lot, wondering if they are scared, if they're missing him too much or if they-- if Elizabeth told them a good enough story that they don't miss him anymore. Lucky wants them to remember him and how much he loved them, but he doesn't want them growing up with that kind of grief.
Lucky nods at what Nikolas says, and he smiles a little though there's nothing he can offer to aid in his understanding. They differ in that way. Lucky is capable of rolling with whatever the world throws at him while Nikolas would want the answers and explanations and to understand it. Lucky hardly understood the Rift or anything about it, but he was able to accept it and roll with it.
Nikolas would not be able to do that. "It sounds crazy, and it doesn't make any sense at all," he says, and he folds his arms across his chest, not defensively. "It's just-- it is. Trying to wrap your head around it until it makes some kind of sense, it'll give you a headache. This is never... going to make sense, not in the way that people back home would ever believe. I know... that won't stop you from trying to unravel it all in your head, but I still have to warn you."
They're both in Chicago, and there's no way back to Port Charles. It doesn't even exist in this universe. Lucky has looked before, out of curiosity, to see if he could take Lena there, to see if it is anything like his home. There's nothing.
Lucky closes his eyes at what Nikolas says. "I'm... sure you would have," he says, and it is hard to talk about. Eight months have passed, but he never talked about it with Nikolas or Elizabeth to the point where anything felt resolved between them. "But nothing stays the same, certainly not me."
It's hard to speak of Nikolas' intentions, to hear that they were not to hurt him when that was all... all that it could happen from that. He has let go of his anger and bitterness, but it's still so difficult to hear about intentions.
"I am. I have changed, for the better, more like myself than I've felt like in years," Lucky admits, letting go of that difficulty for the moment and focusing on the sidewalk in front of him.
There were moments where he was certain he'd fly off the handle and kill someone or get himself killed. The latter didn't feel like such a bad idea in those moments. He wanted and needed that self destruction until there was nothing left of him.
Lucky hears how he trails off and looks sideways at him, knowing that would be his reaction to it. He wouldn't be able to simply accept angels and demons either, which is why he wanted to give him fair warning when they stepped in. He is certain that meeting them will help.
He nods as he starts to walk toward the Crowbar, knowing Nikolas will follow and his brother is here. And it's so good to see him. "That's true, all of it," Lucky winces a little. Early death, insanity. It never doesn't hurt to think about. "They're human. They love and they hate, and I don't think of them as demon or angel, and I hope you won't either. In time."
Nikolas never knew for certain who his real father was, not until much later. Stavros had been a monster and his relationship with Stefan was always complicated, but it all came to a bitter end, and that seems to be the story of his life.
Emily dies and Stefan dies and people... they just die around him.
It does feel like a curse most of the time.
He's been destroying what's been around him for a while now, and while Helena would claim to whoever is listening a Cassadine is always superior to a Spencer, they share that same trait. There's a romance to self-destruction, and they embrace it in different ways.
Just because his isn't rooted in addiction doesn't make it any less destructive.
He felt like he was drowning no matter what he did, and he'd been spiraling into a dark and empty pit. The only thing he felt he could do was latch on to anything he possibly could latch onto so he didn't finish drowning, and in what felt like desperation, in what felt like tunnel vision, he didn't see the rest of the picture. Nikolas just wanted to not keep drowning.
"I appreciate the warning," he says. Lucky's right, however. Nikolas won't stop trying to make sene out of it. He's so rigid when it comes to his own understanding and his own scope of reason, and nothing makes sense to him and this isn't a world he's been equipped to deal with. "I'd rather have this explained to me by you than some random stranger on the street."
Nikolas didn't take to it kindly, needless to say.
Lucky's been here eight months and more than that, Lucky is his brother. Nikolas can trust what he's saying, and he can't trust the word of a stranger that claims to have wings coming out of its back.
They can't know what happens back in their respective worlds. Nikolas can hope Lucky does come back from Ireland and he's there for the kids, the same Lucky hopes Nikolas--his Nikolas, whatever that means--takes over for Cam and Jake along with Elizabeth, which is exactly what he'd do if Lucky was missing.
He'd take care of those boys as if they were his own, and he knows Lucky would do the same thing for him if the roles were reversed. It's a curious thing, after everything that happened and how deeply fractured their relationship has come to be, it hasn't changed what they'd do for each other. There's comfort in that, if nothing else.
And he'll have to take what he can get.
"No, nothing stays the same," he agrees with a solemn nod. There wasn't any resolution. There wasn't an in-between. There was bitterness and brokenness and a lot of heartache between three people who have known each other their whole lives. Not even the good stays the same. Those days were the four of them were best friends--those days are long gone. "It all comes and goes, and in our hands we are left with what we're meant to carry."
His hands feel startlingly empty now and he'll always be sorry.
He has learned difficult lessons, and he's not the same man he was nearly a year ago, latching onto anything so he won't drown.
He's learned to do that for himself and not expect anyone else to, certainly not at the price of his loved one's happiness.
"It suits you," he says, and one can't be sure if he's talking about the city or the change. Probably both. It is a Spencer's playground, if one looks at it in the right light. Adventure and mayhem and always something to keep you on your toes. It can't have been easy for Lucky, and Nikolas is certain he felt the same way Nikolas does now--but he can easily see why he'd be drawn to a place like this one. He can see the difference.
Nikolas falls into step beside him. He is glancing around, looking at the world as if he's seeing things for the very first time. The city itself seems normal enough but he knows now that's not true.
"I only want us to be careful," he says, and it feels so hypocritical of him to say. It feels so hypocritical of him, to be worried over Lucky getting hurt, when Nikolas has hurt him the most, the deepest, where it counts. But he also knows how easily Lucky gives away his heart, and he'd already been at such a vulnerable place--he doesn't know these people yet, but he can give them the benefit of the doubt for Lucky's sake.
It's the least he can do, after everything.
"There must be good in them if you've chosen them as your family," he ends up saying, and it's his way of reaching a conciliation. He'll give it time, and ... they have time. Apparently. "I said I'd be honored to meet these people you've come to care about and I still mean it."
It's a new world and he doesn't know how he'll fair, but he's not alienating his brother while he's here.
It is what the two families have in common, whatever Helena may have said. There's this romance for destruction, and they go about it in different ways but they are both equally effective methods of destroying oneself.
Lucky should have recognized it in his brother. He should have helped more even knowing that there are times when a person cannot be helped, cannot be reached. It was too late at any rate, and he had been so concerned with why Elizabeth was acting strangely that he hadn't considered it.
It hadn't occurred to him.
They're brothers, and they should look out for each other after everything that they worked through. More often than not, they've hurt each other, angered each other more than anyone else ever has but at the end of the day, they are still brothers.
Lucky thought that they couldn't be any longer but he was wrong. He feels like he was wrong, and him having changed, it doesn't fix everything. There's-- they'll have things to work through but they can now. There's the time and opportunity to do that, and Lucky never thought he'd see Nikolas again.
He's still adjusting to the fact that he's really here.
"If there are any other questions you have, I'll do my best. I have been here all this time, and what I do, it's given me experience with a lot in this world." His family has too by natures of being angels and demons and supernaturals themselves. He can only imagine how Nikolas responded to that stranger on the street. The thought almost makes him smile. "You were told about how the Rift changes you, right?"
It is one more huge adjustment to try to take in but an important one. Lucky found his out on the day that he arrived, but that day was filled with adventure. He thinks back on it fondly because of Lena and the Crowbar.
Lucky would have. He would have came back from Ireland if he'd survived and he would have taken care of Nik's kids as if they were his own. There would be no questions asked or hesitations at all in that matter, which is strange to say considering how strained their relationship was when he went to Ireland.
However, he has no doubts at all that that is exactly what he would have done.
The bitterness and the anger would fall away, become unimportant in the end. He would likely still feel them but those boys would come first and he would raise them as though they were his own so they could have the best support possible. At the end of the day, they also have that in common.
They are different people, but they will put their children first, children first. Over their own feelings, over the pain created between them, those boys come first. And he knows that if the other him survives in Ireland, it is exactly what would happen.
He'd go back and take care of those boys.
Lucky is quiet as he listens, and it is so true. Every year in Port Charles, every few months, it brings changes and he never knew how much it all would change. "Are you able to carry what remains in yours?"
His own hands do not feel empty.
But he has been here eight months and he has made more for himself, has a family.
There's no bitterness or anger, but there will be working through what remains between him and his brother.
It suits you. Lucky smiles, and he nods, lowering his head. "Thank you. I feel... like I belong here more than I could have imagined when I fell through," he says, and it may be hard for Nikolas to take since he couldn't possibly feel that way. He doesn't know which he is referring to but either is true. Chicago is home. The Crowbar is what's really home, Lena is, and there is adventure in both along with love and family.
Lucky looks forward. These are sidewalks that he knows, streets that he knows. He shakes his head, and there's a small smile with not-- it's not really bitterness but almost disbelief though he knows how difficult this all would be for Nikolas. "I have been. I've been here for eight months, Nikolas. They've seen me- she's seen me at my worst and vice versa. I can't put it into words. I can only tell you I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we don't have to be careful when it comes to them. Anybody else? In this city, you'd be right."
And it feels almost like a sting how easily he gives his heart, how that giving of his heart has blinded him to what his fiance and brother were doing behind his back.
He's moved past those things, but it doesn't mean there aren't parts of him that are still shaped by what happened.
"There is. They do good for this city even if what they do isn't... always legal," Lucky says with a small smile ignoring that feeling for the moment, and he looks over at him again as they walk. "Okay. I know you do, and I know why it's hard for you to accept all of this, but give them a chance that's all I ask."
All things considered, it is not asking very much, and if his brother has concerns, Lucky knows that he will voice them freely.
You were told about how the Rift changes you, right?
Nikolas slows down in his tracks and glances at Lucky sideways. He doesn't stop fully, but he slows down momentarily, the surprise evident across his features. It's a subtle nuance, but someone that knows him like Lucky does would catch it. "We never broached the specifics after I walked away," he allows, and he's almost positive he doesn't want to know with the exact same strength that tells him he needs to know.
"Changes you how?"
There've been plenty of surprises for him today, and it doesn't seem like they're going to stop coming. Nikolas is functioning on auto-pilot when it comes to the surprises. He takes them one by one, and there's still enough shock that it hasn't all sunk in to the point where he's going to freak out.
Not that it's in a Cassadine to freak out. They don't freak out.
The Rifts, from what he understands, are breaks in space and time. They're powerful and they are not understood half of the time. Anything at all can fall through them, from people like him and Lucky to objects and... monsters. Monsters he's only read about in mythology and seen in movies, certainly never thought for a moment they could be real.
And his brother, his own brother, has lived in a place like this one for eight months without him knowing. Nikolas went on with his life as best he could, picking up the pieces of the mess that he himself created, knowing things would never be the same with Lucky anymore. Knowing things in general would never be the same after the affair.
There was absolutely no way of imagining his brother would be here instead.
No way of imagining he'd have his own family and found his own place in a world Nikolas himself feels so out of place in--but then, they've always been so very different. Cassadines and Spencers, considered polar opposites in nearly every possible way. They love deeply and they hate deeply and they self-destruct when they're wounded. The way they live their lives and show thoes things are different, and Nikolas doesn't--
Doesn't know how he's going to build a life here, but it helps more than he can say that Lucky is here, and Lucky isn't actively hating him. He welcomed him with open arms, and he's taking him to his home.
It's so much more than he could've ever imagined.
Are you able to carry what remains in yours?
"I'm not left with much of a choice, am I?" he asks with an almost bitter smile. They didn't choose to come here, stripped of their names and their loved ones and everything they ever built with their own two hands back in Port Charles. It wasn't something they asked for but it's happened, and he has no choice but to live with it as best he can once he--once he admits to himself this is actually happening and he's really here. "For what it's worth--" and he clears his damned throat again. "For what it's worth, if I have to be here, I'm glad it's with you."
When it all comes down to the wire, he can't ask for anybody better to watch his back and he'd want to watch Lucky's back in turn. He'd want to be the good brother he hasn't been for what seems like years now.
And he listens to Lucky.
He allows himself to really listen, and place aside his own judgments and beliefs on the city and what happens in it, since he doesn't know. Nikolas has only been here for several hours. Lucky has been here for months. It's clear who is at the disadvantage. It's clear who has to trust in who's word. It's an opportunity to prove himself, almost, and Nikolas doesn't want to fail what unspoken test he's placed upon himself.
Not that he expected to find himself with anyone from Port Charles, since he was told quite bluntly he couldn't go back home and he shouldn't expect to see his family again. Sometimes, Wanderers are met with good people that will try to be helpful. Other times, they'll be met with people who are disdainful of Wanderers and will paint the truth the blackest as it can be.
Welcome to Chicago, asshole. You can't ever go back home, simple as that.
Nikolas almost believes he's hearing things.
Aside from the fact he didn't expect to find Lucky here, he didn't expect Lucky to be... happy to see him.
Not that he'd ever blame him for it. Nikolas broke his brother's trust and heart in the most painful of ways. Lucky was right, in the end. He's a Cassadine, down to his rotten core, and his own selfish desire won over his brother's own happiness.
He's never going to forgive himself for that, and he can't expect Lucky to.
The self-loathing and the shame he keeps well-hidden rises up his throat almost immediately, and it's only eclipsed by his own sheer relief. His brother is here and somehow they'll find a way out of here.
"Lucky," he says, the sheer relief breaking through in that name alone. He stands up and moves clsoer, but pauses as if unsure of how to proceed. Only a year ago he'd have hugged Lucky tightly to him--ever since he's been moving through uncharted waters. "Thank God you're here. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind."
And with his family's track record, that's not entirely a farfetched concern.
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The relationship between them had become so strained, and he saw Nikolas and Elizabeth and it was the image of everything that he had wanted then and had been shattered.
It has shifted since then. Lucky is absolutely and completely in love with Lena, and he has a new dream with her. He wants to marry and have a family with her, and he knows that it's very possible, that she will never hurt him like Elizabeth did. Because she's not Elizabeth and never could be. The old ones don't exist in any form anymore. There's not a shattered mess of his heart anymore. There's not this constant pain and betrayal to work through, and there's no looking to find himself and to find a purpose like he had been when Nikolas last saw him.
Lucky found himself again with Lena. She helped to repair his heart, and he understands how short life can be intimately from his time with the Crowbar. They don't let moments or people slip by them, because of how easily they can be lost, because of how short life can be.
He has changed since when he fell through the Rift.
It's been eight months, and Nikolas cannot know that, but it's not the same. Lucky's not the same, and he's happy to see Nikolas again as much as he hates to think of what he has been taken from too.
Lucky releases a breath at the sound of Nikolas' voice saying his name. It's him. He sees that hesitance, but he steps forward, hugging Nikolas tightly to him. It's been eight months, and he thought it would be never again. That changes things too.
"You're not," he says, knowing what's unspoken there, knowing the twisted history of the Cassadine's. Lucky pulls back, hand on his arm for a moment before it too falls to the side. He rubs a hand over his face. "You're not. You're not at all. It's Chicago. Everything you've heard, it's all true." Even the never going back. "Have you been here long?"
There's a slight, slight pause.
Lucky knows this next part is going to take some time to sink in.
"I've been here eight months. They're right about there being no way back too."
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Lucky finding out about the affair was like having a switch flipped back on. His impassive demeanor belied what was truly months of self-loathing and self-recrimination. He genuinely believed himself to be in love with Elizabeth and he sees now that he wasn't, really. Which makes it all the more damning since in the process, destroyed what mattered most to him--his relationship with his brother.
The years it took to fight centuries of an ancient rivalry were all for naught.
Emily died. And when she did, the very best parts of Nikolas died along with her.
Ever since, most of the choices he's made and the mistakes he's piled onto his back, it's been due to him chasing after something illusory; something that can't ever be his again. He's hurt a lot of people in the process.
Whether he meant to or not--and he didn't, certainly not Lucky--it was irrelevant. Everyone pays for their sins sooner or later, and he's been waiting to see how he'd pay his--and now he knows.
Nikolas isn't expecting the embrace. It catches him completely off guard, but he returns it, hugging him back tightly, gratefully, almost like he's not sure if he should. "It's good to see you," he says, clearing his throat. A heavy breath is released, and he closes his eyes, nodding to himself.
"Several hours," Nikolas answers once he's stepped back, and he keeps a hand clasped on Lucky's shoulder, as if he doesn't, his brother might disappear on him. He shakes his head, a humorless laugh wanting to escape his lips, but it doesn't. "I trust in your word," Nikolas adds slowly, hoping this isn't taken the wrong way. "Be that as it may, you'll forgive me if I'm not quick to believe in this nonsense."
That's what it is to him.
Nonsense, except Lucky goes on to say he's been here eight months, and Nikolas almost staggers backward with the revelation. "That's not possible," he says, though he sounds less certain than he did moments ago. "You were in Ireland just last night, Lucky. I saw you much less than eight months ago."
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He thought about it constantly in the aftermath.
Lucky tried to pull the pieces apart especially when it came to Elizabeth, because he knew all that time, all those months that something was wrong. He asked her time and again. He offered to break off the engagement. For months, she did not sleep with him at all and it was because she was with Nikolas.
He knew for a week before he informed them that he knew the truth. Inform might not be the exact, correct word for it, but for that week, he pulled it all apart in his head. Every interaction with her, every interaction with his brother. Lucky obsessed over it, and there were times when he had been certain he lost his mind.
Like destroying the inside of his own home.
That's all behind him now. Lucky doesn't obsess over it anymore. He doesn't wonder about what he could have done differently or how he should have seen it long before he walked in on it. Chicago is his life now. The Crowbar and Lena, they're his life and his future, and the past will always be there too, but he's just- he's not the same.
"It's... God, man, I really can't begin to say how good it is to see you too," Lucky says, and that's said sincerely. His voice is a little shaky. "But I'm sorry... you have to be here, taken away from... everything back home, Aiden and Spencer."
And that's just as sincere. It's a strange conflict of feelings.
Lucky nods at the answer. He hasn't been here long at all, which is a comfort. He would hate to think of his brother being here all this time without him having a single idea. Lucky smiles a little at what he says, at the 'nonsense'. "You wouldn't be you, Nikolas, if you believed in something like this quickly."
He knows his brother well, and he's in no hurry to convince him either. Nikolas will find out one way or another.
Lucky winces, looking away. So somehow Nikolas has come from the exact time that he has despite the fact that Lucky has been gone for eight months. Gotta love Rifts. "It's how these Rifts work. I know... that it doesn't make any sense, but I've been here for eight months. I've seen the angels and the demons and... the monsters. I was almost eaten by Godzilla once. I don't expect you to believe any of this right now, but I'm just telling you what's... happened."
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All the ways he's failed her the same way he failed Lucky.
It hurts to picture it, but he can, easily because he knew her so well, like the back of his hand. She'd have smacked some sense into him. She always had that talent.
It hurts to picture it but it's necessary, too.
It's the least he deserves.
Nikolas differs to Lucky when it comes to showing their emotions. ... They differ in a lot of ways, but particularly in how they reveal, or don't reveal, their emotions. He's destroyed at the thought of never seeing his sons again. He's the only thing Spencer has in the world, and Aiden would still have Elizabeth, but Nikolas is his father. His father by blood and any other way that counts--and he should be there with them.
It hasn't sunk in yet, but once it does, he'll mourn privately. He was raised a certain way, and while he's changed since coming to America, some things always remain, deep into a Cassadine's bones--emotions aren't meant to be easily spotted in one's sleeve.
He clears his throat again and looks down, nodding at what Lucky says. "I won't be deterred by what I've been told. I'll find a way back to my sons," he says, and it rings hollow even as he says it. Lucky has been here for eight months. Eight months. Eight-- he keeps a hand clasped on Lucky's shoulder. "Circumstances not withstanding, it's very good to see you, brother. I... wasn't sure when I would again."
All the while Nikolas thought him in Ireland, hoping he wouldn't get himself killed in the process. Not that he found out by Lucky he was there. He didn't expect to be informed. Strained is putting it lightly. Their relationship was beyond fixing. That's how it felt--hopeless. Destroyed for good.
Because of what he did.
Somehow, Lucky allowing him his delusion makes it worse.
Maybe because deep down, Nikolas knows the truth and he's just refusing to see it. His whole world has been turned upside down, and he's someone that's prided himeslf on understanding his surroundings. Angels and demons exist. Tears in space and time exist. Different worlds and different universes--different versions of themselves, if he's been here this long and Nikolas didn't know it.
"Godz--" Nikolas doesn't finish the sentence. Doesn't even finish the word as it's drowned out by one sputtered and disbelieving laugh. He sits back down on the bench and covers his face with one hand, as if the gesture alone will conceal the reaction. It's sinking into him now. It's different when he hears it from a stranger off the street to when he's hearing it from his very own brother.
"This is really happening?" he asks, and he doesn't want the answer but he asks anyway, knowing that answer.
"You're telling me you've been here... on your own, for eight months?"
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Not to death.
He loved Elizabeth with his whole heart, and he lost her to betrayal but that is an entirely different kind of losing, an entirely different kind of pain that comes laced with a different kind of anger.
There's blame on either side. Loss to death or loss to betrayal, Lucky still felt like he should have noticed. He should have done something else, and it's nothing he revealed to either Nikolas or Elizabeth. When he told them he knew, it was all about the two of them and their mistakes and their failings.
Nikolas tried to protect her like the prince that he is, but Lucky shoved it all aside to spew poison at them both.
When he was by himself, the voices in his head said it was him too. He was not enough. He should have seen He was angry at the both of them and angry at himself.
Lucky almost-- he almost knows what it's like to lose someone he loves more than anyone else, that makes him a better person, because he almost lost Lena. It was so, so close, and the thought of it alone is enough to nearly overwhelm him in its strength and its pain. He doesn't know what it would make of him to lose her.
He doesn't know what would remain, but a loss like what Nikolas has experienced will change anyone. Nikolas doesn't have to wear those emotions on his sleeve for Lucky to know that they are there.
I'll find a way back to my sons.
Lucky closes his eyes at that but nods again. He looks at Nikolas one more time. There's a part of him that wonders if he shouldn't have fought harder, but he was in a different place when he fell through. He fell through after he went to Ireland, part in search for who he was and he found that in Chicago. "I know you won't, but I don't... want you to get your hopes up. They have been looking for decades."
They being everyone. The reality is that it will be decades more before anything is found if it ever is.
He smiles a little at him when he says he wasn't sure when he would again. There's some sadness in it as he shakes his head. "I was planning on coming back after Ireland, you know," Lucky says though he knows what Nikolas is referring to, and a part of him-- it wouldn't have minded if he didn't come back.
He was prepared to take risks, reckless as Lulu would say and that is eventually what would drive his sister to fly after him. In an attempt to keep him from getting himself killed. Not that Lucky knows this.
Lucky slides his hands into his pockets, well aware their relationship is far from repaired simply because of the time that has passed for Lucky and the new future and new life he has for himself. He watches his brother sit back on the bench, knowing there is no comfort that comes with this realization.
He remains standing. "It really is. This is real. It's Chicago, and there are no roads back and no favors that can be called in," he says, knowing that Nikolas knows without him answering but he has to. Because he's Nikolas' brother and he will give him the truth as much as he wouldn't mind if Nikolas held on to those delusions for a little while longer.
Lucky shakes his head at the question. He hasn't felt like he was alone, not for a long, long time. "For eight months I've been here but I haven't... been on my own. I have a family. They're not the kind you find behind a white picket fence like I always thought I wanted, but they're where I belong and... I have someone I love, more than anything. She helped me find myself again when I needed it most. I... want you to meet them."
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Nikolas remembers when it was the four of them.
Emily and Elizabeth and Lucky and him. The Four Musketeers.
Solving a mystery over the summer or growing up together, it felt like nothing could tear them apart. He'd never been naive, but he'd allowed himself to think that when they were together, even if it took years before him and Emily finally fell in love.
Or rather, he fell in love with her much later and didn't see what was right in front of him. She was so young at first, and he'd seen her as a little sister. It wasn't until she came back--it wasn't until she came back and got sick Nikolas knew that he loved her and he always had. There'd always been the possibility of losing her. She had cancer and it was always a possibility that she could die.
And she got better, she fought back with the cancer and she got better, and it never crossed his mind that she would die, that he would lose her at such a young age.
He held her dead body in his arms.
You don't come back from that. Not the same.
God, and it seems like the life of someone else.
She would be so disappointed in him. He isn't sure of much but he's sure of that. She would be disappointed in him after all the expectations she'd had of him, but never as much as he's been disappointed in himself. He betrayed his brother, he betrayed her memory, he betrayed himself and everything he swore he'd stood for. He looks back on it now, the past year, and he hardly recognizes himself. He doesn't have a justifiable explanation for it.
There's no explanation for something like that, and he'd tried to keep Lucky focusing all his anger on him because he felt he deserved it most. He could yell at him all he wanted, punch him, do whatever he had to do, and Nikolas felt it would be deserved.
The words cut deeply but they don't hold a candle to the way they both hurt Lucky instead.
"So I've been told," Nikolas says, placing both his hands in front of him. He's always been one for formality, even when he's relaxed, not that he's relaxed now. It's something that he doesn't notice, his posture and his way of carrying himself. "I just can't believe... something like this has existed for years, and we didn't even know."
For years, there have been these Rifts that take them from their world and deposit them here, where the unimaginable is real.
"I didn't know if we could ever..." his voice trails off. Lucky understands what he means and Nikolas finds he doesn't have the words to put together, eloquent as he's always been. He didn't know if they'd ever find their way back to being brothers. Lucky could return to Port Charles but that didn't mean he'd ever have to talk to Nikolas again, or forgive him.
"That... is surprising," Nikolas says with another small smile. He'd grown accustomed to the bitterness and the anger Lucky exhibited whenever he was within close proximity, and he didn't know if he'd ever--if he'd ever pull himself back from that ledge. Anything can happen in eight months, but it's another surprise to take in with everything else.
Unlike the other surprises, this isn't necessarily a bad one. He'd worry this is Lucky rushing into something while the wounds he and Elizabeth caused are still fresh, but falling into a completely different new world is a game changer, isn't it?
"I'm glad you weren't alone. I would be honored to meet them, if you'd like me to."
It's that simple.
He hasn't been a good brother, and he wants to be. He wants to make ammends for his mistakes. Maybe there's a reason he is here, they both fell through, away from Port Charles and the world that they come from.
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That was supposed to be all it took.
Somehow-- Somehow and Lucky isn't entirely sure how it happened sometimes. Everything pointed against it happening. Their families were so against each other, but somehow they became friends and they worked past that.
There were times when their families hatred came back and tried to come between them. Again and again. It was a rough road.
However, they were always able to be friends after everything else they went through. They did so much to repair their relationship, and it's something he threw in Nikolas' face when he found out the truth, one of many things. He knew.
He knew, and they didn't know that he knew, but he wanted to make them squirm. It's that darkness that he has told Lena about that's inside of him, and he's so scared of it because he has used it to hurt people he's loved and people he didn't love. He brought a gun with him when he went to convince Nikolas to stay. He held a gun in his hand as he went over everything that had happened.
Lucky wanted to make them hurt, to drag it out, to shove guilt into them knowing that guilt was never enough to keep them out of bed with each other, that their love for him was not enough.
At the time, he didn't know that it was love at all.
But Nikolas was never the same after losing Emily. Lucky wouldn't expect him or anyone else to be the same after something like that. It changes- it would change anyone as it would change Lucky if he ever lost Lena, and there's an inevitability in loss as much as it doesn't stop him from living.
Someone has to die first, has to be lost first.
He doesn't think about it often especially now that they have the possibility for so much more time. However, it's true. Loss is all around them. The Crowbar has been changed by it, and he loves them now. He only knew them after their losses, but he knows they are not the same as they were before.
No one can be.
And he loves his brother, no matter what, no matter how much he hated him for that year and has hated him in the past. At the end of the day, he loves him.
"I know," Lucky says, shaking his head. "There was no way we could have known. We don't have the technology to notice this-- the Rifts, and they're just-- they don't happen there like they happen here."
All the time. Always something falling through or being altered by the Rifts.
Nikolas' voice trails off, and Lucky looks sideways at him. There's a moment where he flashes through his mind. "I didn't know that we could either. I was... I actually knew that we couldn't, that I... couldn't, but I've changed here and... I didn't think I'd see you again."
It changes everything. Lucky has changed.
Lucky looks at Nikolas when he reacts to what's been said, seeing that smile, and he knows why it would be surprising considering the way that Nikolas last saw him. Lucky couldn't stand to be in a room with him or Elizabeth for long though he fought past all of that to help Elizabeth when she needed it, and he was lost, and he wasn't himself. He was hurt and angry all the time, constantly.
"I... would. I really would," he says, and there's so much sincerity in it. "Your my brother, and they're the family that I've got here. I would like nothing more. Than for you... to meet them. They're angels and demons, but... they're like us. I'm sure you heard that too."
But he wants to give him the heads up beforehand.
Lucky wants it to go as smoothly as it possibly can.
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There were plenty of discussions between the two of them about how wrong it was and how they were failing Lucky, but Nikolas genuinely believed himself in love.
He thought it was a chance at having what he never could again.
Nikolas had even told Elizabeth he hoped she could work things out with Lucky, despite what they'd done. Foolishly so, since there's no way--he knows there's no way that can ever be worked past. He tried placing himself in Lucky's shoes frequently, and he remembers worrying once upon a time of the closeness between Emily and Lucky.
It doesn't come close to what he and Elizabeth did.
And at the same time, he can't regret it, because it gave him Aiden.
Whatever mistakes he made, it led him to his son, and he can't regret that.
There's someone out there--two someones out there, two little boys--that look at him like he can fix the world. And he'd wanted to correct with Aiden the mistakes he'd made with Spencer.
He'd been so scared he'd screw the kid up. He'd been so scared that being his father would spell his ruin, would make him cursed the way all Cassadines seem to be cursed. He'd handed him over to nannies and tutors and people that he thought could raise him in a better way than he ever could.
And he'd been wrong.
Then Aiden came into the world and he thought finally. Finally he has his chance at doing it right, and it doesn't seem like that chance will come.
"I'm still trying to deal with the fact they happen at all," Nikolas admits to him, and he stuffs his hands into his pockets, for lacking of anything else to do with them. They furl and unfurl inside the pockets, and he doesn't know what to do with the frustration that keeps mounting.
"I was on my way to New York. I had a meeting with the board of staff there and I was already running late. Then suddenly, I'm in this park instead," he explains.
And how does that make sense?
If he tried explaining it, no one would believe him. They'd probably have him committed to Shadybrooke faster than anyone could say straitacket, and he wouldn't exactly blame them. He wouldn't believe himself except he's here.
He's here and Lucky's here, and they both fell through a Rift and ended up in Chicago through some inconceivable manner.
"I would've respected your wishes," he says, and it's not easy to talk about at all, but he brings himself to. If it's not easy on him, tough. He's the one that created this mess. Eight months might've passed for Lucky, and Nikolas can tell there's been a change, a good change. But for him, it's very recent and his guilt is fresh. "My intentions were never to hurt you, and no cost is worth losing my brother."
He clears his throat again and looks down at his hands, before glancing back up at Lucky, an indecipherable expression on his face.
"You're different," he says, and there's another small smile again.
The bitterness and the anger aren't there, and Nikolas would know if there was. He knew it the moment Lucky stopped him from leaving, his hand on the holster of his gun, that glint in his eye that told him he was slowly unraveling. He'd worried about him, worried about what he'd do, and they'd both been self-destructing for a long time in different ways.
Nikolas takes a deep breath. He'd--he doesn't know why he'd assumed the family Lucky made for himself here would be Wanderers like him.
"Lucky..." his voice trails off and he isn't sure what to say to that. He's happy, in a bittersweet way, Lucky has made a life for himself that brought about this change--his own family, Nikolas, failed him in a way he never should've, and it's his own fault Lucky couldn't rely on him anymore.
Couldn't trust him anymore.
But a family of angels and demons?
Nikolas isn't there yet. Where Lucky is, and they're so different... it's going to take a while before he wraps his head around it. Though maybe actually meeting them in the flesh might help. Nikolas still has that visual of horns and spears and--he's not exactly sure what he imagines.
"I heard about it vaguely," he says instead, settling on what's true. "I heard Callings can be dangerous and they lead to early death or insanity."
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It is why he kept his knowledge to himself at first so he could use that against them both. He could twist the guilt, say exactly what he knew would hurt them most while playing the part of the brother, the fiance that had absolutely 'no idea' what was going on.
Why wouldn't he be good at playing that role?
He played it for months. At the time, that had been his thinking. He was so bitter, so angry, so hurt, and Lucky had wanted to lash out at everyone even people not involved got caught in his anger and his bitterness.
At the time, Lucky couldn't see out of that.
There was nothing but a very warped, skewed outlook, and there was something dangerous in his eyes. There was something terrifying inside of him. It was poisonous and terrible, and he hated it and reveled in it and never thought he could feel anything good again unless it came out of a bottle.
It's funny for all their differences Lucky has had the same fear, and although he never finds out about having a biological son, when he does, he worries about destroying that kid with his genes, with the Spencer gene for having a romance for self destruction like the Cassadines do.
They've each got their own sets of curses. Both families have been cursed with hating each other, cursed with self destructing. It's a curse, and there are times that Lucky did not believe that he would ever find happiness, ever find the family of his own that he wanted more than anything else.
But Lucky has every confidence that Nikolas makes a good father despite the Cassadine attached to his name. Even when he was angry and hurt and it was painful to look at them together, he knew that Nikolas loved that baby and would be a good father to him.
Now he is here. There's no getting back to his sons, and at least while he was here, he thought Nikolas would take care of his sons along with Elizabeth. They could have a father figure in their lives, but now that Nikolas is here and the Lucky where he's from is in Ireland.
There's no telling what will happen to those or who will be that person in their lives. He still thinks about Cam and Jake a lot, wondering if they are scared, if they're missing him too much or if they-- if Elizabeth told them a good enough story that they don't miss him anymore. Lucky wants them to remember him and how much he loved them, but he doesn't want them growing up with that kind of grief.
Lucky nods at what Nikolas says, and he smiles a little though there's nothing he can offer to aid in his understanding. They differ in that way. Lucky is capable of rolling with whatever the world throws at him while Nikolas would want the answers and explanations and to understand it. Lucky hardly understood the Rift or anything about it, but he was able to accept it and roll with it.
Nikolas would not be able to do that. "It sounds crazy, and it doesn't make any sense at all," he says, and he folds his arms across his chest, not defensively. "It's just-- it is. Trying to wrap your head around it until it makes some kind of sense, it'll give you a headache. This is never... going to make sense, not in the way that people back home would ever believe. I know... that won't stop you from trying to unravel it all in your head, but I still have to warn you."
They're both in Chicago, and there's no way back to Port Charles. It doesn't even exist in this universe. Lucky has looked before, out of curiosity, to see if he could take Lena there, to see if it is anything like his home. There's nothing.
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Lucky closes his eyes at what Nikolas says. "I'm... sure you would have," he says, and it is hard to talk about. Eight months have passed, but he never talked about it with Nikolas or Elizabeth to the point where anything felt resolved between them. "But nothing stays the same, certainly not me."
It's hard to speak of Nikolas' intentions, to hear that they were not to hurt him when that was all... all that it could happen from that. He has let go of his anger and bitterness, but it's still so difficult to hear about intentions.
"I am. I have changed, for the better, more like myself than I've felt like in years," Lucky admits, letting go of that difficulty for the moment and focusing on the sidewalk in front of him.
There were moments where he was certain he'd fly off the handle and kill someone or get himself killed. The latter didn't feel like such a bad idea in those moments. He wanted and needed that self destruction until there was nothing left of him.
Lucky hears how he trails off and looks sideways at him, knowing that would be his reaction to it. He wouldn't be able to simply accept angels and demons either, which is why he wanted to give him fair warning when they stepped in. He is certain that meeting them will help.
He nods as he starts to walk toward the Crowbar, knowing Nikolas will follow and his brother is here. And it's so good to see him. "That's true, all of it," Lucky winces a little. Early death, insanity. It never doesn't hurt to think about. "They're human. They love and they hate, and I don't think of them as demon or angel, and I hope you won't either. In time."
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Emily dies and Stefan dies and people... they just die around him.
It does feel like a curse most of the time.
He's been destroying what's been around him for a while now, and while Helena would claim to whoever is listening a Cassadine is always superior to a Spencer, they share that same trait. There's a romance to self-destruction, and they embrace it in different ways.
Just because his isn't rooted in addiction doesn't make it any less destructive.
He felt like he was drowning no matter what he did, and he'd been spiraling into a dark and empty pit. The only thing he felt he could do was latch on to anything he possibly could latch onto so he didn't finish drowning, and in what felt like desperation, in what felt like tunnel vision, he didn't see the rest of the picture. Nikolas just wanted to not keep drowning.
"I appreciate the warning," he says. Lucky's right, however. Nikolas won't stop trying to make sene out of it. He's so rigid when it comes to his own understanding and his own scope of reason, and nothing makes sense to him and this isn't a world he's been equipped to deal with. "I'd rather have this explained to me by you than some random stranger on the street."
Nikolas didn't take to it kindly, needless to say.
Lucky's been here eight months and more than that, Lucky is his brother. Nikolas can trust what he's saying, and he can't trust the word of a stranger that claims to have wings coming out of its back.
They can't know what happens back in their respective worlds. Nikolas can hope Lucky does come back from Ireland and he's there for the kids, the same Lucky hopes Nikolas--his Nikolas, whatever that means--takes over for Cam and Jake along with Elizabeth, which is exactly what he'd do if Lucky was missing.
He'd take care of those boys as if they were his own, and he knows Lucky would do the same thing for him if the roles were reversed. It's a curious thing, after everything that happened and how deeply fractured their relationship has come to be, it hasn't changed what they'd do for each other. There's comfort in that, if nothing else.
And he'll have to take what he can get.
"No, nothing stays the same," he agrees with a solemn nod. There wasn't any resolution. There wasn't an in-between. There was bitterness and brokenness and a lot of heartache between three people who have known each other their whole lives. Not even the good stays the same. Those days were the four of them were best friends--those days are long gone. "It all comes and goes, and in our hands we are left with what we're meant to carry."
His hands feel startlingly empty now and he'll always be sorry.
He has learned difficult lessons, and he's not the same man he was nearly a year ago, latching onto anything so he won't drown.
He's learned to do that for himself and not expect anyone else to, certainly not at the price of his loved one's happiness.
"It suits you," he says, and one can't be sure if he's talking about the city or the change. Probably both. It is a Spencer's playground, if one looks at it in the right light. Adventure and mayhem and always something to keep you on your toes. It can't have been easy for Lucky, and Nikolas is certain he felt the same way Nikolas does now--but he can easily see why he'd be drawn to a place like this one. He can see the difference.
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"I only want us to be careful," he says, and it feels so hypocritical of him to say. It feels so hypocritical of him, to be worried over Lucky getting hurt, when Nikolas has hurt him the most, the deepest, where it counts. But he also knows how easily Lucky gives away his heart, and he'd already been at such a vulnerable place--he doesn't know these people yet, but he can give them the benefit of the doubt for Lucky's sake.
It's the least he can do, after everything.
"There must be good in them if you've chosen them as your family," he ends up saying, and it's his way of reaching a conciliation. He'll give it time, and ... they have time. Apparently. "I said I'd be honored to meet these people you've come to care about and I still mean it."
It's a new world and he doesn't know how he'll fair, but he's not alienating his brother while he's here.
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Lucky should have recognized it in his brother. He should have helped more even knowing that there are times when a person cannot be helped, cannot be reached. It was too late at any rate, and he had been so concerned with why Elizabeth was acting strangely that he hadn't considered it.
It hadn't occurred to him.
They're brothers, and they should look out for each other after everything that they worked through. More often than not, they've hurt each other, angered each other more than anyone else ever has but at the end of the day, they are still brothers.
Lucky thought that they couldn't be any longer but he was wrong. He feels like he was wrong, and him having changed, it doesn't fix everything. There's-- they'll have things to work through but they can now. There's the time and opportunity to do that, and Lucky never thought he'd see Nikolas again.
He's still adjusting to the fact that he's really here.
"If there are any other questions you have, I'll do my best. I have been here all this time, and what I do, it's given me experience with a lot in this world." His family has too by natures of being angels and demons and supernaturals themselves. He can only imagine how Nikolas responded to that stranger on the street. The thought almost makes him smile. "You were told about how the Rift changes you, right?"
It is one more huge adjustment to try to take in but an important one. Lucky found his out on the day that he arrived, but that day was filled with adventure. He thinks back on it fondly because of Lena and the Crowbar.
Lucky would have. He would have came back from Ireland if he'd survived and he would have taken care of Nik's kids as if they were his own. There would be no questions asked or hesitations at all in that matter, which is strange to say considering how strained their relationship was when he went to Ireland.
However, he has no doubts at all that that is exactly what he would have done.
The bitterness and the anger would fall away, become unimportant in the end. He would likely still feel them but those boys would come first and he would raise them as though they were his own so they could have the best support possible. At the end of the day, they also have that in common.
They are different people, but they will put their children first, children first. Over their own feelings, over the pain created between them, those boys come first. And he knows that if the other him survives in Ireland, it is exactly what would happen.
He'd go back and take care of those boys.
Lucky is quiet as he listens, and it is so true. Every year in Port Charles, every few months, it brings changes and he never knew how much it all would change. "Are you able to carry what remains in yours?"
His own hands do not feel empty.
But he has been here eight months and he has made more for himself, has a family.
There's no bitterness or anger, but there will be working through what remains between him and his brother.
It suits you. Lucky smiles, and he nods, lowering his head. "Thank you. I feel... like I belong here more than I could have imagined when I fell through," he says, and it may be hard for Nikolas to take since he couldn't possibly feel that way. He doesn't know which he is referring to but either is true. Chicago is home. The Crowbar is what's really home, Lena is, and there is adventure in both along with love and family.
Everything he could have ever wanted.
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And it feels almost like a sting how easily he gives his heart, how that giving of his heart has blinded him to what his fiance and brother were doing behind his back.
He's moved past those things, but it doesn't mean there aren't parts of him that are still shaped by what happened.
"There is. They do good for this city even if what they do isn't... always legal," Lucky says with a small smile ignoring that feeling for the moment, and he looks over at him again as they walk. "Okay. I know you do, and I know why it's hard for you to accept all of this, but give them a chance that's all I ask."
All things considered, it is not asking very much, and if his brother has concerns, Lucky knows that he will voice them freely.
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Nikolas slows down in his tracks and glances at Lucky sideways. He doesn't stop fully, but he slows down momentarily, the surprise evident across his features. It's a subtle nuance, but someone that knows him like Lucky does would catch it. "We never broached the specifics after I walked away," he allows, and he's almost positive he doesn't want to know with the exact same strength that tells him he needs to know.
"Changes you how?"
There've been plenty of surprises for him today, and it doesn't seem like they're going to stop coming. Nikolas is functioning on auto-pilot when it comes to the surprises. He takes them one by one, and there's still enough shock that it hasn't all sunk in to the point where he's going to freak out.
Not that it's in a Cassadine to freak out. They don't freak out.
The Rifts, from what he understands, are breaks in space and time. They're powerful and they are not understood half of the time. Anything at all can fall through them, from people like him and Lucky to objects and... monsters. Monsters he's only read about in mythology and seen in movies, certainly never thought for a moment they could be real.
And his brother, his own brother, has lived in a place like this one for eight months without him knowing. Nikolas went on with his life as best he could, picking up the pieces of the mess that he himself created, knowing things would never be the same with Lucky anymore. Knowing things in general would never be the same after the affair.
There was absolutely no way of imagining his brother would be here instead.
No way of imagining he'd have his own family and found his own place in a world Nikolas himself feels so out of place in--but then, they've always been so very different. Cassadines and Spencers, considered polar opposites in nearly every possible way. They love deeply and they hate deeply and they self-destruct when they're wounded. The way they live their lives and show thoes things are different, and Nikolas doesn't--
Doesn't know how he's going to build a life here, but it helps more than he can say that Lucky is here, and Lucky isn't actively hating him. He welcomed him with open arms, and he's taking him to his home.
It's so much more than he could've ever imagined.
Are you able to carry what remains in yours?
"I'm not left with much of a choice, am I?" he asks with an almost bitter smile. They didn't choose to come here, stripped of their names and their loved ones and everything they ever built with their own two hands back in Port Charles. It wasn't something they asked for but it's happened, and he has no choice but to live with it as best he can once he--once he admits to himself this is actually happening and he's really here. "For what it's worth--" and he clears his damned throat again. "For what it's worth, if I have to be here, I'm glad it's with you."
When it all comes down to the wire, he can't ask for anybody better to watch his back and he'd want to watch Lucky's back in turn. He'd want to be the good brother he hasn't been for what seems like years now.
And he listens to Lucky.
He allows himself to really listen, and place aside his own judgments and beliefs on the city and what happens in it, since he doesn't know. Nikolas has only been here for several hours. Lucky has been here for months. It's clear who is at the disadvantage. It's clear who has to trust in who's word. It's an opportunity to prove himself, almost, and Nikolas doesn't want to fail what unspoken test he's placed upon himself.
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