I am cold against your skin, you are perfectly reflected [forward-dated to Thurs]

[allmydiredreams]

[OOC: Pretend this totally happens Thursday; I just won't be around during the day tomorrow so I figured I'd throw it up here now. :)]

The Crown Fountain is one of the few things about the weird amalgamation that is Grant and Millenium Park that hasn't been destroyed, by some miracle. It's still there, the extra-large faces still spitting out

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[doyoulikecake]

Kaden tilts his head for a moment. He knows he can't hide everything, and that right now is worse than it has been for a few days. It's just a little surprising to him that Elizabeth picked up on it. Then again, he is so tired. Maybe tonight he'll get a bit of actual sleep. "I'm an insomniac," he says, shrugging it off like it's no big deal. "It's just been a little worse lately."

And yet, for all that tired, he still doesn't feel like he can quite keep still. Though thus far, the bird had proved a pretty good distraction, something to do with his hands. ...he kind of wants a cigarette. But that would mean letting go of the bird.

Right. Focus on Elizabeth. He looks a bit concerned in turn when she mentions that she doesn't think the weird was from the attack. "That might be something to look into--" he starts.

But hey, if she wants to talk about the bird, he can talk about the bird. He smiles down at it. "I caught it," he says. "These little guys are so used to free handouts that they get too close. They're not so used to angelic speed."

He offers the bird -- or rather, moves his hand closer to Elizabeth so that if she wants, she can...pet it, or whatever. But he's not going to let the subject change for very long; she's brought up her Calling in her answer, and he's curious. "Can I ask you something?" he asks. "Other than that question, of course."

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth only noticed, because she pays attention to eyes. Always. And his are looking much redder than usual. "Sorry to hear that," she says, wrinkling her nose. "I've been a while without sleep before, probably not nearly as much as you have, and it still was like-- It was pretty horrible. I love sleep."

She rarely remembers her dreams or nightmares, because she uses up so much energy (emotional, physical, and mental) during the day that it's a little like passing out every evening. It's nice. Plus, there's usually a Josef there, too. He's warm and safe and close.

Everything makes sense in bed. ...that came out wrong.

"I have the angelic speed going for me, but I don't know if I could catch one." Elizabeth reaches over to touch the bird when he moves it to her. Her fingers slide along its back, and she smiles brightly, laughing softly at the feel of its feathers.

She looks up at him when he speaks. Rarely, does anyone ask if they can ask her something. It makes her more attentive to the question. "Totally! You can ask me whatever you want!"

[doyoulikecake]

Kaden shrugs again. "I'm pretty good at not sleeping," he says. "Hard to be a Badass Motherfucker by night if you're asleep for most of it."

He's still smiling when she reaches out to pet the bird, though his casual, joking smile has fallen back into the weird little one he had when he was contemplating the bird before she arrived. His shoulders are itching. Stupid wings. He hasn't let them out in so long, so it only makes sense that they'd be bothering him, but still. They're in public.

Not thinking about that. He shifts on the step, so he can lean on the step above them and somewhat hide the fact that when they weren't being supported by anything, his arms had started to shake. The speed's wearing off, sure, but the amount of caffeine in his system won't let him stay still for a minute. Never mind the fact that he can't remember what he ate since breakfast.

"How many people have you helped die?" he asks. The bird, as if sensing the topic, lets out another distressed chirp.

[pplrunincircles]

"Yeah, I guess that's right," Elizabeth agrees, laughing. She's still concerned, and it shows. It can't be healthy not to sleep, even she knows that. "I'm not a Bad A. M. Effer by night or day so I wouldn't know."

She focuses on the bird when she pets it. It's enough of a distraction that soon she's likely to forget about her concern, at least for the moment. Her fingers stroke it, and she doesn't notice the change in his smile.

Elizabeth doesn't flinch at the question. Her smile faces into something indescribable, serious, but not necessarily sad. No one has ever asked her that question before, but she doesn't have to think to answer it. "Seventy people."

It's always there. They're always there along with everything else. She remembers every single one of them as if they happened earlier in the day and not spread out over the past year.

"No one's ever asked me that question before," she admits with a small smile that's not without its seriousness. "Why did you... ask?"

[doyoulikecake]

Kaden's watching carefully, taking in her reaction, the way she's serious but not sad. The way that makes her face change; he's seen serious Elizabeth faces before, but they were usually in conjunction with something she was trying to figure out, not with this sort of thing. The way she doesn't have to think when she answers.

The weird smile gets a little wider but no less weird. He looks down at the bird, shifting his hands around it so he's trapped its feet a bit better, so he's able to use one hand to manipulate it instead of just holding it. "I was curious," he says. "Death is something of a taboo subject among most people, and so many AoDs crash and burn because of it, but not you."

He pulls one of the bird's wings outward, holding it at its full length. So many tiny bones, under his fingers -- he keeps his cool, doesn't snap them, doesn't see what Elizabeth would do with that. This conversation is enough. He doesn't know her well enough yet -- it's not like he's here with Lily.

"So often people don't realize how fragile things can be," he murmurs. "And yet, here's you."

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth does not notice the weirdness of his smile. It may be, because she trusts him. It may be, because she likes him and doesn't want to see the weirdness in any look he might have. It's hard to tell.

She's still smiling, serious. The angel has taken over, and it's a different frame of mind but somehow the same.

"I think it depends on how you face it. Face them, I guess. Death and your calling. I don't really know though. I've never met another Angel of Death. I would like to," Elizabeth says. "Because it would be nice to have someone else that understands, but then... I guess no one can really understand what's going on inside yourself but you."

The smile slips into something more uncertain, and she averts her gaze. It's not like she has any idea what's going on inside of herself. She only understands death, with such certainty that this understanding can't really be shaken. Nothing else makes much sense.

"I think if more people realized how fragile things can be, they'd miss the point. They'd hide in their rooms. They'd become depressed over the fact. The reason that life is so fragile is so that it won't be wasted. Every moment counts, because the next second could be your last. Most people aren't prepared when it comes, but it's not about being prepared really. It's about living, doing the things you love, being with people that you love. Whatever meaning you want to give life is the meaning of life. Death isn't anything to be afraid of. It just is."

Elizabeth isn't sure if she's explaining how it all feels to her correctly. She really is only good at talking about it when she's helping someone die, and even then, she rarely says what will necessarily comfort them. She gives them her truths as she knows it. They may still cry, yell, scream, hit, but it's how they need to deal and at least they have someone to do those things at, at least they can yell and know someone's listening.

[doyoulikecake]

Kaden listens, still watching her face, keeping the bird's wing out as he does. He busies his fingers with feeling out each bone in the wing, so he won't pull out a notebook and start writing. He's trained himself into having a good memory for a reason: he can't be writing all the time. Sometimes he wishes he'd remember to use his voice recorder more.

"If I knew any other AoDs, I'd introduce you," he says, glancing down at the bird. He can feel its heart racing against his fingers; he wonders if it'll give out in sheer terror before too long. "As for fragile, well. You clearly know the fragility, and yet you come to the conclusion that this means life is for living. I wonder if those that would hide simply aren't cut out for it."

There's a pause, as he stares at the bird. He knows enough about the fragility of life as well, between the number of his family that have died early deaths and the number of people he's hurt or...he's never outright killed anyone. He can't be implicated in any of them, not the kid in high school who killed himself, not the accidents that happened. What he knows better than that is the fragility of sanity. But he can't get into that with Elizabeth. Not now, anyway.

"It is frightening, for some people, to think that even if they lived their life to the fullest, there would be so much that they were unable to accomplish, were they to die tomorrow or the day after, or even in the next year, though," he finally continues. He lets go of the bird's wing, and it flaps and flails for a moment, trying to get out of his grip on its feet; he waits for it to calm down, and then shields it with his other hand again. "What about unnatural deaths? Or...well, what if you saw someone's death at the hands of someone you knew?"

He knows he shouldn't ask too many questions. Not in an informal setting, when he can't write down the answers exactly, when they should be doing other things. But he can't help it; they keep springing to mind.

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth wishes that she could meet another Angel of Death. It might be eye opening. She could learn so much, even if they didn't agree. Wouldn't it be strange if they didn't agree? She started out thinking that there was only one way to look at her calling, that it was the way that it's meant to be looked at, that everyone looked at it like that (past, future, present).

"I don't know. I believe everyone is cut out for it. Everyone has the strength to be who they want to be, but sometimes we get lost along the way."

She says we, because she's been lost before. She still gets lost, more and more often as time goes on. It's not so much getting lost in the world anymore, but lost in herself, losing herself and not knowing where or how to stand.

"I understand that much. It's what people say so often when they're dying. They wanted to do this or that. I never look at life as a measure of your accomplishments. I guess that's why I'm not afraid of dying. That and I know it so well. It's hard to be afraid of something you know so well."

Elizabeth glances over when the bird starts to flap. Concern hits her, suddenly, intensely for the bird. It only wants to be free. Isn't that what so many people strive for? Freedom from burdens and guilt and responsibility and weight. Life is wonderful and life is painful.

"Unnatural deaths aren't something I'm allowed to help. I wish I could. I don't know if there is another angel of death in this city," Elizabeth says quietly, hands against her knees, and she freezes at that question. It's one of her fears, and she has every reason to fear it, doesn't she? It would change everything about her relationship with Josef. He wouldn't want to hurt her. She wouldn't want to stop him.

It's fate. It's destiny for that person to die.

"I wouldn't stand in their way. I'd treat it like any other death that I've ever seen. I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt me more and hurt them, too. I just-- There's nothing else I can do."

[doyoulikecake]

"Sometimes it's less about accomplishments," he says, looking over at Elizabeth again. The smile finally drops off his face for a moment, and he's utterly serious as he continues, "I fear it because there's so much my Calling demands from me that I don't feel like I would have fulfilled it properly if I were to die tomorrow. Or even in the next couple of years." Or decades. Kaden would really prefer to just live as long as he possibly could and learn equally as much. But then, it's probably an AoK thing.

He nods, considering her words. So mature for someone like her; it's what he finds intriguing about her, that she can be so childish and yet have such adult ideas about the world. It's also part of what he likes about her. In a strange, roundabout way, it reminds him of Lily.

Or maybe he's just looking for the similarities.

"And yet, you'd go a week knowing that someone you loved was going to kill someone else. You wouldn't try to stop it?" he asks, hovering around the censusmachine voice but never really falling into it.

The bird flutters again, and this time he lets it, bringing it up closer to his face, so he can watch the panic. His grip on its legs is strong enough to hold it, no matter how it struggles. Though if it struggles too much, it's liable to come out of it with a broken leg. "And what of animals? Do you wish you could see theirs, help them?"

The threat's not explicit. He's not going to do anything to the sparrow, no matter how tempting, not in front of her. But he can hint at it, see if she picks up on it. It's not like he's passed worse off as a joke before.

[pplrunincircles]

"Then you'll probably always fear it, because you'll never feel like you've fulfilled your calling. I mean, there's always something more, right? There's always more to know," Elizabeth says, biting down on her lower lip as she considers this calling business. It rarely makes sense to her. "I mean, it kinda depends on the person, doesn't it? Some people don't embrace their callings. Even though no one can escape it completely, some people don't... go all in. How much choice do we have? It's confusing."

It's not like she can really judge anyone for not embracing it. It isn't fair that they were given these callings without choice, without much extra help beyond their strength. She embraces hers, because it's her destiny. It's her role in the world.

It is her, and she doesn't know how to be anything else. Even if she lost the other parts of herself, the angel would remain. Always. It's the only thing that could never be stripped from her.

Elizabeth looks at him, strangely. Her jaw locks a bit. "I'd go a week knowing someone I loved was going to die, and I wouldn't try to stop it." She takes in a deep breath, hand slipping behind her neck as she stares at the pavement. "I'd like to think I wouldn't. I'm not here to interfere in fate. It's not my role to decide when someone dies, just to be there when it happens."

Her fingers slide up into the hair. She turns her head quickly to him. The implication is easy for her to pick up, if only because they're on the subject. A loved one killing someone. An animal dying. Death is familiar to her.

"Yes..." Her gaze searches his face and then drops to the bird. "You're not... going to..."

She doesn't really know what to think.

[doyoulikecake]

"Very probably," Kaden agrees. "I already feel like I could go a lifetime and not get what I needed to do done. Maybe it's not that way for people who fight the Calling, or for someone with a different one." It's something he's interested in finding out, someday, even if it's not quite down his Calling's line of research. Doesn't mean it's not interesting, and he can always bend Calling research to fit his own when need be. Like now, to point out a very informal example.

He doesn't notice her strange look, because he's distracted by the bird, not looking at her. But he nods, committing her answer to memory. He's gotten what he wanted out of that answer, not that he's expecting to ever see it put to use. But if it were -- for a moment he wishes he could orchestrate some way to see her witness that, without endangering himself or his relationship with her.

Were it any other acquaintence, he might not care, but he doesn't want to sever ties with this one quite yet. He likes Elizabeth.

He does look over at her when she reaches the conclusion he was hoping she would. For a moment he stares at her, devoid of emotion -- it's easy to do, when he's this tired. Then he grins. Laughs.

"Of course not!" he says, finally opening his hand, letting the sparrow flit away, all while still watching her. Then he shakes his head, mostly at himself, and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Sorry, the topic's just been on my mind -- death, not killing small animals. I guess that combined with the insomnia and the..." He trails off, not really wanting to explain how terrible he feels, and instead just makes a small jittery motion with a hand and continues on: "And a morbid sense of humor doesn't work out so well. Should we go inside?"

All's perfectly normal here, Elizabeth. Well, except for the fact that he's a little wary of standing up, now that he's snapped out of his weird Calling stupor and has realized exactly how much he's shaking. This isn't just hangover or caffeine. Dammit.

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth nods. She doesn't really know, which is why she asks, but she figures if anyone would know, it'd be him. It'd be him or Josef. It's why she is more likely to go to them with questions than anyone else. They know so much more than anyone else that she's ever met, at least that's the way that it seems.

She looks at him for a moment. The uncertainty in her expression remains even a moment into his laugh, but then a smile slips across her face. The bird is flying away. Her chest relaxes as relief floods through her. It seems silly to have jumped to such a conclusion. She laughs, too. It comes easily enough, especially considering what they were just talking about.

"Sorry! I don't know why... I thought--" She stops herself from actually saying the words and then wrinkles her nose, waving a hand. "It's okay. The topic is on my mind a lot, too. Obviously."

Her finger twirls a strand of hair around it, and she nods. "Yeah, we can. Should probably get the actual session underway, huh? I totally did my homework. Do- ...Are you sure you're okay?" Concern replaces uncertainty and laughter. She looks him up and down. "Is there something I can do to help? I mean, like get you food or... I dunno."

The angel is still the most intense part of her mind at the moment, because the conversation about death remains at the forefront of her mind. The angel notices those little things that the rest of her might not be perceptive enough to see... like how much he is shaking.

[doyoulikecake]

Kaden finally does get up after her, swaying a bit and frowning at himself. It's always annoying when other people notice. But he steadies himself on the nearby railing for a moment and then picks up his bag, swinging it onto a shoulder. "Yeah, I'm okay," he lies. He'll be okay in a bit. "Though I should probably lay off the caffeine for a little bit. I'll grab a candy bar or something out of the vending machines when we go in."

He can stomach a candy bar, he tells himself. It's not like it's an actual meal, and it won't make him sick if it doesn't have coconut in it. Actually, he'll avoid nuts, too. And -- no, he's not avoiding the candy bar.

He starts up the stairs, trusting that Elizabeth will follow, just as though nothing's happened. "You do pretty well in the homework department, usually," he says with a smile over his shoulder. "I'll admit, I was a little worried given the past few weeks, but it's not like we cant go over whatever you don't finish, on the days that you don't manage it. Not that you should take that as leniency, now. What were you going to say?"

Because it's important that he knows everything, or something. It could have been important, even though knowing Elizabeth, it was just a bit more rambling. Even still, her rambling can give her away, sometimes. It's why he doesn't mind her rambling nearly so much as one might think.

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth nods when he says that he's okay. She believes him. Why wouldn't she? She trusts him, and he has no reason to lie to her, unless he's trying to be all manly and not admit to having a moment of weakness. "Cool," she says. "Candy bars are good, especially the very chocolate-y ones! If you get a whole bunch together, you can build a candy city. They work really well for buildings, and-- Not that I would know from experience."

She winces. Someday she will learn to stop lying, even about the silly things that shouldn't matter. She really, really will. Or she'll just keep having words pop out of her mouth, before she has the chance to think about the consequences. Sometimes she's afraid that she's completely incapable of change where it would actually be good for her to change.

Elizabeth follows, smiling back at him. "I really want to learn and to get that GED. It's important. Plus, you're good with the tutoring. It makes it easier for me to work on my homework later."

She blinks at his question. Her brain is already miles away from whatever she'd been saying before. Focus is still something she strives for.

"Uhm. I forgot," Elizabeth says after several moments of intense searching through her brain. "I'd say it probably wasn't important, but I kinda forget stuff that is important a lot of the time so... I don't know. Maybe it'll come back to me."

Elizabeth pulls the strap of her back pack further up on her shoulders, biting down on her lower lip. Maybe it will come to her if she thinks harder. Somehow. It totally doesn't hurt to think any harder either. Nope.

[doyoulikecake]

Kaden's inside already, digging in his pocket for any loose change; he'd really rather not search his bag for any, or break a dollar for a candy bar. He finds himself holding the moleskine instead, and frowns at it for a moment. Can't now. He has to teach now. So he drops it in his bag, then finally comes up with some quarters. (The narration is simply wondering if he's borrowed his pockets from The Doctor or something.)

So a minute and a candy bar later -- just a Hershey's, as he decided he didn't want nougat either -- he's laughing at Elizabeth's concentrating face. "Don't pull anything in your brain, kiddo," he says. "I'm sure it wasn't important."

[pplrunincircles]

Elizabeth is still concentrating heavily until he speaks again, and then she smiles a little helplessly. It's the Yeah, I'm dumb smile that comes so easily for her.

"Yeah, it probably wasn't," she admits, wrapping her hands over her backpack straps. "And I'd hate to pull something in my brain before we begin, because then it'd make it really difficult for you. Best to keep the brain in tip top shape. I'll probably remember when I least expect it."

It's how it usually works out.