feeling strong so long ago, I don't remember

[godtooksides]

Today, despite the bitter cold, there are a number of people out and about in Chicago, though not all of them are willingly so. For instance the sudden drop in temperature has quite dismayed one particular angel, who's downtown, huddled in the entranceway of a shop. He's only been there for a few minutes, because he knows before long someone's

Comments

[idontlikecake]

There are lots of things Jessi needs to do today, but it's hard to remember what was so important when she sees the angel huddling there. She pauses, hovering near him, but careful to stay out of his personal space.

"Hey," she says quietly, shoving her hands in her pockets. It would be nice if she hadn't forgotten gloves. "Haven't seen you in a while. You doing alright?"

She knows the answer to that question; Jessi can tell just by looking at him. But that's not really what she's asking. She wants to make sure he's fed and has somewhere to sleep. "Need anything?"

[godtooksides]

He jumps when someone speaks to him. Not that he wasn't expecting it, but he wasn't expecting nice and he's still just jumpy in general. For half-a-second, the warning bells that still feel like they're constantly going off in his head get a little louder -- she recognized him? From where? What was he doing? Who is she?

Oh. Right. She works at the shelter. They've spoken before, however briefly. It's okay. It's okayRepeating that isn't having as much of an effect on his heartrate as he might have liked

[idontlikecake]

When the wind picks up, Jessi closes her eyes, looking uncomfortable. She needs to get somewhere warm enough that she can take off her jacket. Her wings are cramped, no matter how small they are. "I'll go buy you a pack," she says, momentarily pulling her hands out of her jacket pocket to fight a losing battle with her hair. "And yeah. You got somewhere to sleep, right?"

She glances away from him, towards the corner store down the road. "You wanna come with me, or you wanna stay here?"

If there's one thing Jessi's been good at in her life, it's trying to be completely non-confrontational.

[godtooksides]

The angel looks startled at her niceness. No matter how often it happens in this town, he's always surprised when someone's nice to him, instead of spitting in his face or kicking him or just walking away. Though that's what happens when you have enough self-hatred for an entire town. Nice surprises.

"Yes," he says in response to her first question. The second question he just answers by taking a step away from the wall -- he doesn't want to go in the store, but he can't stay in this particular entranceway much longer, so he might as well move to another one and get cigarettes out of the deal. Normally he might be a little put-out, offended, at her pity, but today is a bad day and he needs those fucking cigarettes. "I mean, I do, I just fuckin'--I can't."

Yes, it's totally ambiguous to anyone but him what, exactly, he's answering, but he doesn't really realize that.

[idontlikecake]

"Yeah," Jessi says, nodding slowly. She laughs softly, turning to look back at him. The laughter doesn't last though, nor is it happy. She presses her lips together, trying not to look too pathetic. Or like she's about to break down.

People she barely knows aren't worth falling apart over. People she barely knows aren't worth falling apart over. Right. Like she could ever truly believe that. There's something of value in everyone. Just because she doesn't know him that well doesn't make him worth any less than anyone else.

"I understand."

The words are soft, and she shrugs, trying to laugh again and let it all go. But she can't.

[godtooksides]

"Don't--" he snaps, slicing through the air between them with a hand, just to emphasize his point. "Don't fuckin' say that, it's not fuckin' true. You're an angel--you can't." Of all the times people have thought they understood, have said they got it just to...to...he can't hear it. It doesn't make any sense. "You have--you have your fuckin' wings. Keep your fuckin' pity."

There isn't much of a silence, though, before the anger flare disappears and he stops, putting his hands over his face for a second. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't--" he mutters. The sorry is instantaneous, and automatic reaction. He says it often enough, anyway. The thing is, almost all of the time, he means it. He doesn't want to hurt other people, but when you hurt this much, it's hard not to do so without thinking. "I just--I'm sorry."

Someday, he thinks, he'll just take a fucking vow of silence. Words have never gotten him into anything but trouble, really. Fuck words.

[idontlikecake]

Jessi nods slowly, staring vaguely ahead. She isn't upset by the outburst. If anything, it just hurts. "It's not pity," she says, shrugging. "That's the last thing anyone needs."

Pity's not something she ever wanted. She just wanted things to change and pity doesn't do a lick of good in that aspect. Of course, nothing can fix these kinds of things. One just has to keep pressing forward, and trying to pretend things are okay. But he can't. He can't and that's just not fair.

But in a way, even if he doesn't believe it, Jessi thinks she does understand. She's always felt an affinity with Angels of Vengeance. To escape that certain hell -- she always felt so lucky.

[godtooksides]

The angel watches her for awhile, while they're walking. A lot of people say it's not pity. A lot of people believe it, too. He's just not sure he can.

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, okay. No shit." Maybe it's not really pity this time, from her. He can't shake the feeling though, so his words sound empty, more defeated than anything. She does, after all, still have her wings. She couldn't possibly know.

[idontlikecake]

Her wings are itching like crazy and they hurt and she wants to take her coat off. It's hard to focus. She wipes tears away from her eyes nonchalantly, stuffing her hands back in her pockets.

His tone is killing her. Jessi just wants to be able to do something to help. Something to fix. Make something anything anyone better. She's always been a failure at a guardian. If anything, James was the one taking care of her. And she's unable to impact a change on the world no matter how hard she tries.

"I wish I could help," she says after a long moment, reaching up to touch her lower lip. She'd give them up if she could. She doesn't want them. She doesn't want her wings. She doesn't deserve them. They don't even mean anything. Not anymore.

She wants to take her coat off. Stretch her wings. Curl up in a ball. Something, anything. But she can't. Not while he's here. Not with how his wings-- She can't do that.

[godtooksides]

Oh, fuck. And now she's crying. Maybe it's from the cold -- yeah right. It'd be nice if he could believe that. He looks down at the sidewalk, hugging himself a bit harder against the cold and her pain and his own regret at yelling like that. She's never done anything to him, the few times they've run into each other before, only helped him. Even if he was just another homeless face in the crowd. But she's always had her wings out, and she's the only one who's flaunted them like that. Seems odd, for such a tiny person to do it.

"You--do, I guess," he says, voice less defeated. "I just--there's--it's not that. You're. Helping." He realizes he's been gesticulating again, with each sentence fragment, another bit of flail, as if he can pull the right words out of the air. But that's too cold, so he shuts up and goes back to hugging himself. "Whatever."

[idontlikecake]

"You just what?" Jessi asks, turning to glance at him. She's worried about his lack of gloves. She's got the donations in the car, though, so she can take care of that. A coat too, maybe.

It's so ridiculously cold here in Chicago. Thank her stars she never had to sleep on the streets here. She's pretty sure she couldn't have done it. She's been so lucky, her entire life. Everything always just fell in place for her. There were so many ways her life could have been bad. So lucky.

Instead, her life isn't bad. Just not enough.

She's not sure if he'll answer her question, but she hopes he does. She doesn't want to pressure. She doesn't want to upset him again. But the funny thing about words is that you can't take them back.

Ever.

[godtooksides]

He stares at her for a few seconds, trying to place where her question came from. He can't quite, but then, he can barely remember half the words he just said, much less the ones he didn't say.

"I don't fuckin' know," he finally says, sighing. He waves a hand at his head. "Sometimes things get--fucked. Jumbled. Can't remember."

[idontlikecake]

"I'll be right back," Jessi says softly, wiping more tears away. She's not crying because of him. Or at least, that's what she wants to think.

She's heckled about her ID when she goes to buy the cigarettes; she's always heckled about her age. Granted, she's still under 25, so they should be carding her anyway. But she's going to look young for far too long. She doesn't even properly look in her 20s like most angels her age.

It's the tiny.

"Here," she says, holding the pack out to him. "If you don't have a lighter, there's one in my car."

Back when she's first started back into school, Jessi had almost started smoking. That was the first time she'd ever seen James angry at her. Still, she's always liked the smell of cigarette smoke. She brushes her skirt, tugging on it slightly. She hates moments like these where she feels like she should be able to do more.

She wants to curl up into a little ball and just stretch her wings. Maybe it'll help the pain. Maybe it'll help the stress.

[godtooksides]

The angel all but snatches the pack from Jessi; he's got a lighter, at least, and it almost seems like the cigarette is lit almost before he gets it properly out of the pack. He takes a very long inhale, suppressing the urge to cough a bit. Nicotine is the best thing ever, right now

[idontlikecake]

"Fine," Jessi says, giving him a not-quite genuine smile. Another lie. She lies way too much, considering she doesn't even have much to lie about. It scares her sometimes; even without Kaden there, she lives her life like he is. No, it's not that. It never was that. She just can't let people see how hurt she is. She's not hurt. She's just.

She's just. Something. Anything but hurt or broken.

But she doesn't want to complain about how much her wings hurt. It just feels wrong. Jessi doesn't want to complain about stress. If anything, her life is fantastic. She has a good life. She doesn't have any right to feel like this.

"Do you need gloves?" she asks, trying to change the subject. "I've got the new batch of donations in my back seat. You can get first pick."

She always has donations in her car, but right now, it's kind of ridiculous.

[godtooksides]

The angel just blinks at her -- he's not in the mood for facial expressions, though he's skeptical of her 'fine'. He also recognizes a necessary lie when he sees one, and he's not really sure he wants to know why she's not okay.

And oh thank God, subject change. He smokes the cigarette down a bit more, nodding and when he's done with the drag, gesturing to show off the hand. "Yeah I fuckin' do," he says. "I just have--haven't gotten to the shelter, I--" Was too afraid of inside is not how he wants to finish any sentences right now.