Avatar fic, "Parade"
Here... comes... another one!
Again, a rough draft. A finished rough draft I still need to edit & review, though...
Story Title: Parade
Chapter: one-shot
Author: Moor (or ‘beyondthemoor’ from LJ)
Length: approx. 2200 words
Genre: General/Comedy/Parody/PWP
Rating: I’ll say T
Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Summary: Inspired by LoveroftheFlame’s request for some ZukoxTyLee action… and my perverse sense of humour. This is a crack-fic I was tempted to pop into the “Core Dump”, but, well… you’ll see.
Disclaimer: I have no ownership of “Avatar: The Last Airbender”.
Microphone held awkwardly in her tiny - but deceptively strong-hands, the earthbender looked out over the herd of horny women.
“Welcome, ladies, to the inaugural Avatar Bachelor Charity Auction! Oh, my apologies, I see some men out there, too - I think.”
“Hey!” yelled Haru when Toph gave him a Gai-sensei-style thumbs-up and grin.
“-Well, I know you’re going to enjoy this show just as much as the target audience, so buckle up and hold on!”
The catwalk lit up and the music rose to a bump-n-grind bounce.
“From the Southern Water Tribe, first up is … Sokka, international man of mystery!” Loud catcalls, screams, and shrieks of excitement rang out as Sokka strutted across the stage. His wide, relaxed smile as he thanked the ladies confidently only made them wilder.
Toph continued in a drone, pretending to read off a card she was holding.
“Sokka boasts a superior set of abs, rapier wit, and sharp intelligence, in addition to a fine-.”
“Oy…” he called in warning. He’d been uneasy about the auction ever since he found out Toph would be the MC, and her teeth-baring-smirk wasn’t reassuring him.
“--pair of gorgeous blue eyes.”
“Thank you.” Ok, he conceded, maybe she isn’t all bad--.
“… We’ll start the bidding at a quarter -- twenty-five cents!”
“OY!”
“Oops, sorry Sokka, you’re right,” she paused.
“A Canadian quarter,” she amended.
The crowd laughed good naturedly as the bidding started. It quickly became obvious that the bidding war for this particular bachelor was going to get personal.
Suki and Yue glared at each other, their paddles raised menacingly.
(some time later)
“Right, well, now that we’ve all agreed to behave like ladies,” Toph huffed her mussed bangs out of her face and cracked her knuckles, “we can continue.”
To the side, Yue and Suki escorted a very flushed Sokka off-stage. Their dresses were in tatters and their hair hung around their shoulders, ripped from the ornate plaits and up-dos their stylists had fashioned for them just a few hours before… Sokka’s attire and hair were in equal condition, following the unlady-like tug-of-war they’d had with him.
“Next on the docket, please give a warm welcome to another member of the Southern Water Tribe - Chief Hakoda!” The crowd ‘oohed’ as he crossed the stage, a natural leader and charismatic man.
“Don’t let those beads in his hair fool you, girls, this man was made for action! We’ll start the bidding at a hundred big ones!”
To the surprise of everyone - including her husband-Ursa won the bid very quickly.
“But darling wife, surely you’re being hasty,” growled the Fire Lord as he peeked from behind a curtain, trying to distract her. His intended’s golden eyes were fixed on the sky blue ones of the prize before her.
“No, you were the one who was always ‘hasty’ and went first, darling… Every time.”
“Now it’s her turn,” said Hakoda softly, patting the lovely woman’s arm as he slid it through his own. “Shall we?”
They ignored Ozai’s insults, threats, and pleading as they left the arena. The crowd couldn’t help it when they sighed, “Awwww...” when the couple left.
“Moving right along, we have a true treasure up for sale. Get your paddles ready to give it up for… Jet!”
A number of paddles went up… and then lowered dejectedly when a dark-haired, mature woman raised hers. Discontent muttering filled the room, and the bid was won quickly.
“Ok, I guess… ,” agreed Toph with a shrug. “Jet, I congratulate you on your new mistress, Aunt Wu!”
“No wonder the others gave up,” muttered one woman to another, and they both nodded.
“Ladies and ‘gentleman’,” Toph gave another quick nod to Haru, who glared back and shouted, “I have a mustache now, damnit!”, “who’s glue is wearing off,” retorted the MC. “I have just been informed we have a special guest, just added to the roster. Please pull out your purses and fork it over for… Agni, the god of fire!”
“Paddles down, ladies, he’s mine,” ordered Azula from the front row. Her arms and legs were crossed casually, and she only raised her paddle in a show of compliance with the rules of the auction. A few bold women raised their paddles again in a show of defiance, however, and a few more bids rang in.
“Mai, Ty Lee, if you’d be so kind,” said the princess curtly.
The opposition was quickly neutralized.
“Well, that was one of the quickest sales we’ve seen so far tonight!” admitted Toph, and shooed Agni towards Azula with a flip of her hand. “May you have a long and prosperous… uh… evening?” She couldn’t quite bring herself to lie as blatantly as to say ‘enjoy’.
Agni, on the other hand, did not seem as pleased with the arrangement.
“Uh, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” he hedged, not moving towards his buyer.
“Get moving, Hot Stuff, I have more meat to hock,” said Toph.
“Isn’t this incest?” argued Agni, leaning away from the Fire Nation heir.
“Get off the stage,”
“Can’t we negociate?!” desperation laced his voice.
“You’re her bitch, Agni. Go bend over.” With that, Toph stamped her foot and the runway shuddered and launched Agni in flaming glory into the air, landing on his knees at Azula’s feet.
Azula smiled down at him. And put a collar around his neck, holding the leash in her slender, pale hands.
“Come along, Agni, we need to talk…”
“…”
Azula’s eyes narrowed.
“That’s ‘Yes, ma’am’,” she snapped.
“Yes ma’am…”
His internal - and external-- fires dimming by the minute, the great one followed his new mistress out of the auditorium. A trail of depressing soot followed him out. At the very last moment, Azula turned around and faced the stage again.
“Yeah?” asked Toph, resting her chin in her palm as she leaned on the podium - all sense of decorum gone at the Fire god’s wimpy departure.
“I’ll take the pretty one, too.” She pointed at the young man in the audience as if he were a grocery item she wanted to add to her cart.
“Take him, free of charge,” waved Toph, not raising her head. “Ok, time to go Mr. Mustachio.”
“I told you, it’s--!”
“Yeah, whatever. Enjoy yourself, princess!” she called to Azula-or was it Haru? The regal young woman smirked, put a matching collar on Haru and marched her pair of man-slaves out.
The next few bids went fairly smoothly: Meng purchased Aang; Toph took a step away from the podium to bid for Iroh against Kana, however somehow Jun ended up winning on a technicality; and finally it came time for the big event of the night… the one bachelor every lady had been waiting for.
Zuko walked begrudgingly out from the rear wings of the stage, and the lighting became dramatic… while the music took a turn for the worse.
Right Said Fred’s “I’m too sexy” poured from the speakers. Those close enough to the stage clearly noticed his jaw clench and his eyes sharpen, but they were too busy trying not to be crushed by the crowd behind them that surged forward to really enjoy the prince’s discomfort.
Toph relished it, however.
“Does it really need to be this song?” asked the surly Fire Nation man, turning to look at Toph.
“Oh, my mistake, let me fix that right up for you!” the blind girl offered politely.
Def Lepard’s “Pour some sugar on me” blared through the PA system…
The crowd went wild with offers, and Zuko’s hands tightened to fists. “Earthy peasant, I’m warning you…”
“Oops, how about this one?...” Warrant’s, “Heaven isn’t too far away” didn’t improve his memory either.
“You put one more guitar power ballad on, and I swear I’m going to burn this whole place down!” he ground out through his teeth. The prince wasn’t a fan of the 80s, apparently.
“Oh, fine…” The record made a scratching sound as Toph flipped it out of the player and tossed in her last dig.
Katrina & The Waves, “Walking on Sunshine”.
“Ok ladies, let this Sun Warrior have it! This stud starts at two grand!”
The bidding went on for hours…
It was Ty Lee who finally won, thanks to her recently re-acquired Ultra-Platinum Super-Debit Infinite Card. (There were murmurs through the crowd by jealous parties who wondered just how she’d gotten that back, but they were quelled when the perky brunette collected her pride-shattered prize from the stage.)
“Well thank you for coming, ladies and gents, that concludes our auction. Now, for the biggest prize-winner, we’re providing a complimentary limo and chaperoning for your date! We’ll of course be checking in from time to time to see how things are coming along…” Toph smiled widely as Ty Lee cuddled up to Zuko and the prince glared at Toph again murderously. The earthbender wriggled her fingers at the mismatched couple teasingly. “Toodles, Angry Lad… Have a great time, Ty!”
“Oh, we will! It’ll be so much fun! Oh, Zuko, I know the best place to go! I can tell it’s totally you, since it totally matches your aura! You’ll love it!” She started dragging him bodily from the auditorium, and the rest of the audience clapped politely in congratulations before they filed out thereafter.
A few glimpses at Ty Lee and Zuko’s date:
- The wrong restaurant?
“Korean barbecue is so good, isn’t it, Zuko?” asked Ty Lee, bending towards him. Her hand waved her chopsticks carelessly about, and Zuko had to duck several times to avoid being smacked in the face with flaming-hot beef.
“Would you be careful, I don’t want a matching scar on the other side of my face you circus freak!”
“We’re so lucky this restaurant is open so late!”
They stayed for several more hours; Zuko started wondering if Ty Lee might accidentally choke on all the food she was consuming.
From the surveillance van outside the restaurant, Toph chuckled and tossed a few more snacks in her mouth. Her feet were resting on an old cabbage crate she’d found outside the restaurant. She could hear everything from the spy cameras they’d planted in the restaurant…
2. The wrong activity?
“No, I don’t want to go to the beach to play volleyball. I’m still in my suit,” he argued.
“Then come play in the water; the waves look so happy to see us!”
Zuko stood angrily in ankle-deep water, his shoes rapidly filling with salt-water, sand, and hermit crabs. He was scowling. His wardrobe was ruined…
Above them, the dark sky started showing signs of light. Dawn was approaching.
Still in the van (though now at the top of the hill overlooking the beach) Toph yawned and rubbed her eyes. Then she stretched, and gave herself a few good scratches to wake herself up. She put her foot on the ground outside the van, made a few notes, and then turned over to catch some sleep on the bench seat.
Unbeknownst to her, however, Ty Lee decided at that moment to pull off her dress and stood wearing a white bikini in the crashing waves. Bikini… or underwear - the night was so dark, Zuko wasn’t sure.
Ty Lee laughed and did a cartwheel - then a back-spring flip-through the surf.
His good eyebrow raised in interest, and he made a step further into the depths…
3. Breakfast
Toph’s jaw cracked as she yawned, mouth agape, and knocked on the door to Zuko and Ty Lee’s hotel room.
“Go ‘way,” came the muffled reply. Followed by a giggle.
“Huh?” asked the former-MC, confused.
“Later!”
“Whatever…”
Toph returned to the van for another forty winks, while the sounds of giggling followed her.
Aftermath…
“Yeah, so, who knew, huh?” commented Zuko bashfully, tilting forward as he scratched his head. The post-date debriefing was being held in a hotel meeting room, and had quickly turned into a press conference to announce the fire prince and soon-to-be princess’s spontaneous engagement. Flashbulbs went off willy-nilly, and a plethora of microphones were lined up in front of the happy couple on the table.
“We had such a wonderful time! I knew we had complimenting auras!” beamed Ty Lee, still holding on to Zuko’s arm adorably.
“… wow, you guys really sound like you made a connection,” drawled Toph, not sure whether to be impressed or disgusted. “Congratulations, Zuko. I didn’t know you had it in you…” Toph held back the rest of her comment, sensing the ‘shut-it’-vibes emanating off the young man across from her.
“Congratulations to you, too, Ty Lee. I guess we can’t call you ‘circus freak’ anymore eh?”
“Not without a title,” smiled Zuko, paying rapt attention to his sudden beloved.
The prince didn’t realize the Bei Fong heiress had taken that as an invitation. Toph, of course, never fails to rise to the occasion.
“You mean ‘circus freak in the sack’ ?”
“TOPH!”
“Heh, I knew it…”
The happy ending.
AN: Gai-sensei-isms appear courtesy of my Naruto fetish.