Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems. (Azula's turn)
Title: “Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems”
Author: Moor
Genre: General/Humour/Parody
Rating: uh… let’s say T-M, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I make no claim to “Avatar”.
AN: Here we are, roughly 28-32 days after the original presentation of “Girl Problems”: By somewhat popular demand, a second installment! This time, Azula gets a ‘little visitor’ - or is it her nemesis?! I admit this chapter is mostly set-up, so please enjoy the staging. I hope it is almost as good as the original “Girl Problems”! (Flame away if it’s really terrible, though, haha!)
In the heart of the Fire Nation capitol, a great and terrible threat held war councils long into the night, strategizing and choreographing troop movements across a scale topographical map of the known world. High-ranking men and women clamoured around an impressive table that displayed the massive offensive’s markers and borders. Each member had a cruel gleam in his or her eyes and practically seethed with bloodlust. They were the Fire Lord’s most gifts tacticians, collectively his second pride and joy. He was leaning back on his throne, engrossed in their plans, when a question rang out for his attention.
“So which of the generals will be leading the next attack on this region of the Earth Kingdom? We will need someone clever, to evade the local spy network.”
“We’ll need someone brave, to avoid being intimidated by the local saboteurs.”
“We’ll need someone ruthless, who’ll get the job done if things get dirty.”
Each suggestion brought a wave of murmurs with it, as the congregation debated potential warriors and chiefs, their merits, and their appropriateness for the sortie.
However, a new voice broke through the discussion and landed with leaden grace onto the war room floor.
“We’ll need someone hot, to motivate the troops so they don’t mutiny on the boats before they even get there. It’s been a hundred years already, can’t we just finish this war already?”
The room fell deadly quiet at the traitorous protest. All eyes turned in the direction of the outspoken man.
“Er… I meant, ‘charismatic’,” he retracted, noting the disapproving glares. “To motivate the troops. Yeah. Charismatic.” He laughed nervously, eyes darting around.
Really, he was dead from the get-go, and knew it. His punishment wasn’t long in coming.
“Guards!” called one of the councilors.
The rest of the attendees returned to their babble of plots and stratagems, ignoring their fallen comrade. As the man was unceremoniously led away, flanked by troops on all sides, the Fire Lord spoke in hushed tones with one of his close advisors. Nodding his head several times, Ozai dismissed the savvy ex-general and rose majestically, quieting the room.
“Answer me: who do you consider most suited to lead this attack?” His intimidating gaze swept the room, daring them to speak up: it was a test of sorts, to see who was brave enough to give voice to their beliefs and risk being criticized by their Lord and peers.
After a deliberate pause, a graying woman kneeled proudly and answered. “Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho, your Excellency,” she said smoothly. “They are remarkable individuals in their own right, but together they form an invincible team, renowned for their cunning, resourcefulness, and aggression.”
Ozai didn’t fail to notice the glint of malice that shone in his underling’s eyes as she pronounced the last word. She was a trusted, filial contributor, shrewd in her actions and calculated in her words. She deserved a promotion, he decided, once the mission was deemed a success-
“And also for their keen fashion sense!” called out another voice helpfully.
The Fire Lord’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly at the interruption of his thoughts. How dare someone interrupt me while I’m thinking! he snapped indignantly.
The fact that his minions could barely see him past the wall of fire that was always raging around his dais didn’t even register with the one-man legion of doom. How they were supposed to know to not interrupt his thoughts, or know when he was thinking specific things, period, didn’t even reach the uncharted waters of his self-delusion.
Well, it was easily remedied.
“Guards!” called out his nearest advisor, sensing the Fire Lord’s displeasure.
Miffed at the interruption, but choosing to ignore it now that it was being addressed (with extreme prejudice, he noted pleasantly) by four large, armed sentries, the Fire Lord orated to his audience again.
“Are there any other concerns or nominations? If none present themselves, then the A-team will be designated co-leaders of this mission.” He stated, suppressing a chuckle. It was a pretty smart name for them, if I do think so myself, he smirked internally.
“ ‘A-team’, your Highess?” asked one member hesitantly.
“ ‘A’ for ‘Admiral’, genius!” sarcastically whispered another voice, harshly, under his breath.
“Oooh…”
The sound of a dozen battle-hardened curmudgeons face-palming themselves rang out in the war room.
“Uh, your majesty, with all due respect,” advised one of the older gentlemen with extreme respect and humility, “the troops did express some reluctance the last time the members of the ‘A-team’ were named as co-commanders of a fleet-force. I heartily agree, they are excellent warriors, however one cannot discount their, er… particular ‘rapport’ with their subordinates, and their subordinates’ feelings towards them and willingness to follow them in battle.”
Nods and sounds of agreement rippled through the attentive crowed, and the Fire Lord observed them carefully as he digested their whispered comments.
“Great leader, yes… but there’s something a little different about them…” started one voice cautiously.
“Too much drink and women, I’m sure that’s all it is,” added another with false confidence.
“No, not that… not the women, anyway.”
“There was that one time they organized the cabin-redecorating challenge among the officers…”
“And that seminar-series they gave on hygiene and aesthetics…”
“I remember my former navigator said something about them having a beauty contest on board to raise morale at one point.”
“That isn’t that strange, really. Usually lots of joking around, and…”
“And all the contestants were men.”
“And wasn’t there a rumour about them forcing a pair of guards out of their room to sleep in the kitchen pantry during one mission, just so the A-team could turn their cabin into a kennel and parlous for their teacup dodo-dogs?”
“And a chinchilla-bunny.”
The noise of agreement had switched to sounds of uncertainty. The Fire Lord took it all in, unwavering. There were some very valid concerns here.
“But they are gifted strategists, and have never failed in their missions.”
“And they’re completely loyal to the Fire Nation.”
“Best soldiers I ever trained!”
“Brilliant, really, each of them-only ever met one person who could best ‘em.”
A-ha! That’s what I needed to hear! crowed Ozai triumphantly, though his face remained impassive and distant.
“Advisor Hsu, who is better than the A-team?” demanded Ozai, fixed on the most recent speaker.
Bowing low and keeping his eyes on the floor in front of him, the former Minister answered clearly, “Your most esteemed daughter, her Royal Highness Crown Princess Azula, my Lord.”
Thank the Spirits it wasn’t the whelp - now that would have been awkward, mused the Fire Lord with relief.
“Excellent contribution, ex-Minister Hsu,” complimented the Fire Lord as he stroked his bearded chin pensively, and the ex-Minister bowed and retreated a few steps back. After a moment’s reflection, Ozai dropped his hands and motioned to the court stenographer to pay attention to his dictation. “Crown Princess Azula will someday lead the Fire Nation well - and to help her gain valuable leadership experience, she will oversee this sortie. She will ensure its success and maintain order among the soldiers. I motion to have this Regal Supervision instated as part of the battle plan. Objections?”
Crickets rang out through the hollow room. Did the Fire Lord seriously think they all wanted to die that day? they wondered incredulously. Really?
The Fire Lord deemed their silence endorsement.
“Excellent. I will leave the Sages with you to determine the most fortunate dates to launch the attack. Dismissed.” The nobility bowed to their leader while he descended the dais steps, robes swishing around him as he exited the war room.
As soon as the heavy doors closed behind their penultimate commander, the advisors gossiped madly like school children, some not even bothering to raise their robe-sleeved hands to cover their voices.
“He’s playing favourites again!”
“Is it true the A-team keeps a male harem on board when they set sail on missions longer than 2 days?”
“He’s always like this at this time of the month. Two weeks before a full moon-ever noticed how he’s always trying to ship Princess Azula out of the country?”
“I think you’re exaggerating - seriously, you’re as bad as that guy I just heard claiming the A-team insist on weekly manicures and facials for all the on-duty bridge officers. Not to promote health and hygiene on board, just to make them look prettier while they stare out over the sea…”
“Besides, we need to wait for the Fire Sages to finish up their scrying so they can tell us what date to launch the attack.”
“I suppose you’re right. But really, Azula and the A-team gone… Things will be quiet around here for a while.”
A few heads nodded in agreement… and closeted relief.
“Well, if it hadn’t been for Iroh always annoying Ozai about it when they were children, we might’ve been able to organize a sporting tournament of Pai Sho… Too bad it’s forbidden now,” interjected one voice bitterly.
“Co-ed, naked Pai Sho?” exclaimed one hopeful voice. Several people nearby who’d been murmuring in sympathy released groans of irritation. Does it never end? they lamented.
“Guards-“ they whined, but the soldiers were already swarming the impertinent one, a woman this time.
“Yeah, yeah, we got it…” sighed the annoyed chief of the palace sentries from behind his helmet. Spirits, why they kept allowing former Admiral Zhao’s half-wit cousins into the war-room was beyond him… Couldn’t someone just Agni Kai them out of the gene pool already? Geez…
The Fire Sages filed out of the war room to hermit themselves in their scrying chamber for the night, vowing to deliver their ordinance at sunrise.
*****
“So once the Sages deliver their blessing on the mission, you’re to ship out with the crew of the new flagship, the Debilitating Crimson Tide. It shouldn’t take more than a few days to arrive at the intended battle theatre, so prepare yourself well, Azula.”
“Of course, Father.” Bowing low in deference to her sire, Azula’s eyes glittered in anticipation of the carnage. The memory of sulphury-smells, blood, and charred flesh mingling and wafting by on a swift breeze filled her head with visions of glory and the subjugation of her lessers. This battle would be the landmark to launch her illustrious career… She felt heady with the promise of power. “And which generals make up the A-team I am to oversee?”
Almost smiling at his daughter’s eagerness, Ozai handed her a scroll with the battle’s intended strategies and troop movements described within. “You’ve met them before: Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho. I understand they are quite accomplished, so you should not expect any opposition from them.”
For a split second, the princess’s vicious smile faltered. She recovered quickly and maintained her composure under her father’s intense scrutiny, hoping she had not given away her displeasure.
“I look forward to such a deserving challenge, my Lord. I will not fail.”
“See that you don’t,” he warned in intimidating tones. “Good night, Azula.”
“Sleep well, Father.”
As soon as Azula returned to her room, she stood by her desk and reviewed the battle strategy described in the scroll her father had left her. The plan itself seemed nearly flawless, the war council had outdone itself this time - and she caught herself licking her lips at the mention of the use of the flying machines and their expected aerial advantage. Heaven raining fire instead of water, she mused. The utter destruction it would unleash…
The only unpredictable variable, the quasi-Shroedinger’s cat, if you will, was the blasted A-team.
Eyes narrowed, Azula gripped a writing brush in a clenched fist. By the Spirits, why did it have to be them?
She took a brief, calming break and let it escape through her teeth slowly, savouring the fiery hissing noise it made, like a piece of rice paper igniting. As long as that was the only variable she had to accommodate, she would successfully completely her mission, and return home to her destiny, a war-hero. She had to, really, and she knew it. She permitted her imagination run wild with the notions of victory…
Yes, they would call it the Great Battle of Azula, she fantasized, compounded with the advent of Searing Rain. She would defeat them all. The A-team was the only real element that could pose a challenge, but she expected that even they would fall to her control. She could practically smell the smoke of conquest already. She breathed deeply in satisfaction.
Paused.
Azula sniffed. And looked down.
Her battle plan to victory was engulfed in flames in front of her. She’d been so intent on her fabricated fortune, she’d inadvertently ignited her stratagem. She raised one eyebrow before heading for the door to the hallway. “I’m sure someone else will have a copy…”
Unphased, she walked out and bellowed-
“Guards!”
--before she went in search of Ty Lee and Mai to share the good news. And drag them along with her.
*****
The Fire Sages stood around a large fire pit, shoulder to shoulder, deep in concentration.
Finally, one broke the tense silence. Raising his hands in reverence, he cleared his mind and spoke out to his peers. All turned to him in expectation.
“Now I know this goes against our moral code and all,” he started somewhat less impressively than expected, “but I don’t want to decide this one my own if everyone isn’t going to back me up.”
The others muttered and looked away.
“Ok, now, I know we haven’t told the Fire Lord yet about how someone accidentally lost the scrying stick and how we’ve been flying by the seat of our pants for the last few months--”
“You know, if it hadn’t been for that damn Avatar problem, I’m sure everything would’ve still been fine-“
“AT ANY RATE,” said the first sage, glaring pointedly at the one who’d just complained about their biggest challenge and who he was SURE was the one who’d lost their guild’s most important relic, “we need to come up with a date to give everyone for this big fight-thing they’re itching to pick with the Earthies. Since we’re ultimately powerless without our stick, we need to put our heads together and crunch some numbers.”
He again looked out over his fellow peers, hoping someone would share a moment of brilliance.
They stared back at him dumbly. Definitely not the brightest bunch of bulbs in the box…
Sighing, he decided to put forth his own suggestion.
“Look, we lost our stick, we’re technically, temporarily impy until we find it again. Deal with it. My only advice is that we get the damn princess out of here by the full moon so we don’t have to deal with her while she goes batshit insane for 3-5 days. Do I need to remind you of the last time?” He gave them a knowing look, and was rewarded with looks of terror and grief. “Exactly. So what do you think? Give them some kind of vague middle-of-the-month-and-next-full-moon-type spiel and hope for the best for them in battle?”
A few shrugs, some ‘whatevers’, and a ‘sure, I guess’ floated about.
“Wow. Really guys, this kind of enthusiasm is going to wear us out,” he commented cynically. Seriously, some people have no work ethic at all these days, he judged.
Sighing again, he went to stand by the Sage stenographer. “It is by Fire Sage decree that… “ he dictated to the attentive monk.
“Ok, looks good enough,” he said, eyeing their work when they finished. “Now hopefully this doesn’t FUBAR us all. I’d hate to lose that pension.” Rolling up the scroll and adding the trademark Fire Sage seal, he turned to his colleagues with a grin. “So who’s up for some Co-Ed Naked Pai Sho with the nuns?”
*****
/TBC
/AN: I know, not as strong and humorous a first impression as the original, but it gets better!
/AN: Kudos to the first person who gets the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” quote!
/x-posted to my ff.net account: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3362644/1/
/x-posted to my deviantart account: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/47533535/
Author: Moor
Genre: General/Humour/Parody
Rating: uh… let’s say T-M, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I make no claim to “Avatar”.
AN: Here we are, roughly 28-32 days after the original presentation of “Girl Problems”: By somewhat popular demand, a second installment! This time, Azula gets a ‘little visitor’ - or is it her nemesis?! I admit this chapter is mostly set-up, so please enjoy the staging. I hope it is almost as good as the original “Girl Problems”! (Flame away if it’s really terrible, though, haha!)
In the heart of the Fire Nation capitol, a great and terrible threat held war councils long into the night, strategizing and choreographing troop movements across a scale topographical map of the known world. High-ranking men and women clamoured around an impressive table that displayed the massive offensive’s markers and borders. Each member had a cruel gleam in his or her eyes and practically seethed with bloodlust. They were the Fire Lord’s most gifts tacticians, collectively his second pride and joy. He was leaning back on his throne, engrossed in their plans, when a question rang out for his attention.
“So which of the generals will be leading the next attack on this region of the Earth Kingdom? We will need someone clever, to evade the local spy network.”
“We’ll need someone brave, to avoid being intimidated by the local saboteurs.”
“We’ll need someone ruthless, who’ll get the job done if things get dirty.”
Each suggestion brought a wave of murmurs with it, as the congregation debated potential warriors and chiefs, their merits, and their appropriateness for the sortie.
However, a new voice broke through the discussion and landed with leaden grace onto the war room floor.
“We’ll need someone hot, to motivate the troops so they don’t mutiny on the boats before they even get there. It’s been a hundred years already, can’t we just finish this war already?”
The room fell deadly quiet at the traitorous protest. All eyes turned in the direction of the outspoken man.
“Er… I meant, ‘charismatic’,” he retracted, noting the disapproving glares. “To motivate the troops. Yeah. Charismatic.” He laughed nervously, eyes darting around.
Really, he was dead from the get-go, and knew it. His punishment wasn’t long in coming.
“Guards!” called one of the councilors.
The rest of the attendees returned to their babble of plots and stratagems, ignoring their fallen comrade. As the man was unceremoniously led away, flanked by troops on all sides, the Fire Lord spoke in hushed tones with one of his close advisors. Nodding his head several times, Ozai dismissed the savvy ex-general and rose majestically, quieting the room.
“Answer me: who do you consider most suited to lead this attack?” His intimidating gaze swept the room, daring them to speak up: it was a test of sorts, to see who was brave enough to give voice to their beliefs and risk being criticized by their Lord and peers.
After a deliberate pause, a graying woman kneeled proudly and answered. “Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho, your Excellency,” she said smoothly. “They are remarkable individuals in their own right, but together they form an invincible team, renowned for their cunning, resourcefulness, and aggression.”
Ozai didn’t fail to notice the glint of malice that shone in his underling’s eyes as she pronounced the last word. She was a trusted, filial contributor, shrewd in her actions and calculated in her words. She deserved a promotion, he decided, once the mission was deemed a success-
“And also for their keen fashion sense!” called out another voice helpfully.
The Fire Lord’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly at the interruption of his thoughts. How dare someone interrupt me while I’m thinking! he snapped indignantly.
The fact that his minions could barely see him past the wall of fire that was always raging around his dais didn’t even register with the one-man legion of doom. How they were supposed to know to not interrupt his thoughts, or know when he was thinking specific things, period, didn’t even reach the uncharted waters of his self-delusion.
Well, it was easily remedied.
“Guards!” called out his nearest advisor, sensing the Fire Lord’s displeasure.
Miffed at the interruption, but choosing to ignore it now that it was being addressed (with extreme prejudice, he noted pleasantly) by four large, armed sentries, the Fire Lord orated to his audience again.
“Are there any other concerns or nominations? If none present themselves, then the A-team will be designated co-leaders of this mission.” He stated, suppressing a chuckle. It was a pretty smart name for them, if I do think so myself, he smirked internally.
“ ‘A-team’, your Highess?” asked one member hesitantly.
“ ‘A’ for ‘Admiral’, genius!” sarcastically whispered another voice, harshly, under his breath.
“Oooh…”
The sound of a dozen battle-hardened curmudgeons face-palming themselves rang out in the war room.
“Uh, your majesty, with all due respect,” advised one of the older gentlemen with extreme respect and humility, “the troops did express some reluctance the last time the members of the ‘A-team’ were named as co-commanders of a fleet-force. I heartily agree, they are excellent warriors, however one cannot discount their, er… particular ‘rapport’ with their subordinates, and their subordinates’ feelings towards them and willingness to follow them in battle.”
Nods and sounds of agreement rippled through the attentive crowed, and the Fire Lord observed them carefully as he digested their whispered comments.
“Great leader, yes… but there’s something a little different about them…” started one voice cautiously.
“Too much drink and women, I’m sure that’s all it is,” added another with false confidence.
“No, not that… not the women, anyway.”
“There was that one time they organized the cabin-redecorating challenge among the officers…”
“And that seminar-series they gave on hygiene and aesthetics…”
“I remember my former navigator said something about them having a beauty contest on board to raise morale at one point.”
“That isn’t that strange, really. Usually lots of joking around, and…”
“And all the contestants were men.”
“And wasn’t there a rumour about them forcing a pair of guards out of their room to sleep in the kitchen pantry during one mission, just so the A-team could turn their cabin into a kennel and parlous for their teacup dodo-dogs?”
“And a chinchilla-bunny.”
The noise of agreement had switched to sounds of uncertainty. The Fire Lord took it all in, unwavering. There were some very valid concerns here.
“But they are gifted strategists, and have never failed in their missions.”
“And they’re completely loyal to the Fire Nation.”
“Best soldiers I ever trained!”
“Brilliant, really, each of them-only ever met one person who could best ‘em.”
A-ha! That’s what I needed to hear! crowed Ozai triumphantly, though his face remained impassive and distant.
“Advisor Hsu, who is better than the A-team?” demanded Ozai, fixed on the most recent speaker.
Bowing low and keeping his eyes on the floor in front of him, the former Minister answered clearly, “Your most esteemed daughter, her Royal Highness Crown Princess Azula, my Lord.”
Thank the Spirits it wasn’t the whelp - now that would have been awkward, mused the Fire Lord with relief.
“Excellent contribution, ex-Minister Hsu,” complimented the Fire Lord as he stroked his bearded chin pensively, and the ex-Minister bowed and retreated a few steps back. After a moment’s reflection, Ozai dropped his hands and motioned to the court stenographer to pay attention to his dictation. “Crown Princess Azula will someday lead the Fire Nation well - and to help her gain valuable leadership experience, she will oversee this sortie. She will ensure its success and maintain order among the soldiers. I motion to have this Regal Supervision instated as part of the battle plan. Objections?”
Crickets rang out through the hollow room. Did the Fire Lord seriously think they all wanted to die that day? they wondered incredulously. Really?
The Fire Lord deemed their silence endorsement.
“Excellent. I will leave the Sages with you to determine the most fortunate dates to launch the attack. Dismissed.” The nobility bowed to their leader while he descended the dais steps, robes swishing around him as he exited the war room.
As soon as the heavy doors closed behind their penultimate commander, the advisors gossiped madly like school children, some not even bothering to raise their robe-sleeved hands to cover their voices.
“He’s playing favourites again!”
“Is it true the A-team keeps a male harem on board when they set sail on missions longer than 2 days?”
“He’s always like this at this time of the month. Two weeks before a full moon-ever noticed how he’s always trying to ship Princess Azula out of the country?”
“I think you’re exaggerating - seriously, you’re as bad as that guy I just heard claiming the A-team insist on weekly manicures and facials for all the on-duty bridge officers. Not to promote health and hygiene on board, just to make them look prettier while they stare out over the sea…”
“Besides, we need to wait for the Fire Sages to finish up their scrying so they can tell us what date to launch the attack.”
“I suppose you’re right. But really, Azula and the A-team gone… Things will be quiet around here for a while.”
A few heads nodded in agreement… and closeted relief.
“Well, if it hadn’t been for Iroh always annoying Ozai about it when they were children, we might’ve been able to organize a sporting tournament of Pai Sho… Too bad it’s forbidden now,” interjected one voice bitterly.
“Co-ed, naked Pai Sho?” exclaimed one hopeful voice. Several people nearby who’d been murmuring in sympathy released groans of irritation. Does it never end? they lamented.
“Guards-“ they whined, but the soldiers were already swarming the impertinent one, a woman this time.
“Yeah, yeah, we got it…” sighed the annoyed chief of the palace sentries from behind his helmet. Spirits, why they kept allowing former Admiral Zhao’s half-wit cousins into the war-room was beyond him… Couldn’t someone just Agni Kai them out of the gene pool already? Geez…
The Fire Sages filed out of the war room to hermit themselves in their scrying chamber for the night, vowing to deliver their ordinance at sunrise.
*****
“So once the Sages deliver their blessing on the mission, you’re to ship out with the crew of the new flagship, the Debilitating Crimson Tide. It shouldn’t take more than a few days to arrive at the intended battle theatre, so prepare yourself well, Azula.”
“Of course, Father.” Bowing low in deference to her sire, Azula’s eyes glittered in anticipation of the carnage. The memory of sulphury-smells, blood, and charred flesh mingling and wafting by on a swift breeze filled her head with visions of glory and the subjugation of her lessers. This battle would be the landmark to launch her illustrious career… She felt heady with the promise of power. “And which generals make up the A-team I am to oversee?”
Almost smiling at his daughter’s eagerness, Ozai handed her a scroll with the battle’s intended strategies and troop movements described within. “You’ve met them before: Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho. I understand they are quite accomplished, so you should not expect any opposition from them.”
For a split second, the princess’s vicious smile faltered. She recovered quickly and maintained her composure under her father’s intense scrutiny, hoping she had not given away her displeasure.
“I look forward to such a deserving challenge, my Lord. I will not fail.”
“See that you don’t,” he warned in intimidating tones. “Good night, Azula.”
“Sleep well, Father.”
As soon as Azula returned to her room, she stood by her desk and reviewed the battle strategy described in the scroll her father had left her. The plan itself seemed nearly flawless, the war council had outdone itself this time - and she caught herself licking her lips at the mention of the use of the flying machines and their expected aerial advantage. Heaven raining fire instead of water, she mused. The utter destruction it would unleash…
The only unpredictable variable, the quasi-Shroedinger’s cat, if you will, was the blasted A-team.
Eyes narrowed, Azula gripped a writing brush in a clenched fist. By the Spirits, why did it have to be them?
She took a brief, calming break and let it escape through her teeth slowly, savouring the fiery hissing noise it made, like a piece of rice paper igniting. As long as that was the only variable she had to accommodate, she would successfully completely her mission, and return home to her destiny, a war-hero. She had to, really, and she knew it. She permitted her imagination run wild with the notions of victory…
Yes, they would call it the Great Battle of Azula, she fantasized, compounded with the advent of Searing Rain. She would defeat them all. The A-team was the only real element that could pose a challenge, but she expected that even they would fall to her control. She could practically smell the smoke of conquest already. She breathed deeply in satisfaction.
Paused.
Azula sniffed. And looked down.
Her battle plan to victory was engulfed in flames in front of her. She’d been so intent on her fabricated fortune, she’d inadvertently ignited her stratagem. She raised one eyebrow before heading for the door to the hallway. “I’m sure someone else will have a copy…”
Unphased, she walked out and bellowed-
“Guards!”
--before she went in search of Ty Lee and Mai to share the good news. And drag them along with her.
*****
The Fire Sages stood around a large fire pit, shoulder to shoulder, deep in concentration.
Finally, one broke the tense silence. Raising his hands in reverence, he cleared his mind and spoke out to his peers. All turned to him in expectation.
“Now I know this goes against our moral code and all,” he started somewhat less impressively than expected, “but I don’t want to decide this one my own if everyone isn’t going to back me up.”
The others muttered and looked away.
“Ok, now, I know we haven’t told the Fire Lord yet about how someone accidentally lost the scrying stick and how we’ve been flying by the seat of our pants for the last few months--”
“You know, if it hadn’t been for that damn Avatar problem, I’m sure everything would’ve still been fine-“
“AT ANY RATE,” said the first sage, glaring pointedly at the one who’d just complained about their biggest challenge and who he was SURE was the one who’d lost their guild’s most important relic, “we need to come up with a date to give everyone for this big fight-thing they’re itching to pick with the Earthies. Since we’re ultimately powerless without our stick, we need to put our heads together and crunch some numbers.”
He again looked out over his fellow peers, hoping someone would share a moment of brilliance.
They stared back at him dumbly. Definitely not the brightest bunch of bulbs in the box…
Sighing, he decided to put forth his own suggestion.
“Look, we lost our stick, we’re technically, temporarily impy until we find it again. Deal with it. My only advice is that we get the damn princess out of here by the full moon so we don’t have to deal with her while she goes batshit insane for 3-5 days. Do I need to remind you of the last time?” He gave them a knowing look, and was rewarded with looks of terror and grief. “Exactly. So what do you think? Give them some kind of vague middle-of-the-month-and-next-full-moon-type spiel and hope for the best for them in battle?”
A few shrugs, some ‘whatevers’, and a ‘sure, I guess’ floated about.
“Wow. Really guys, this kind of enthusiasm is going to wear us out,” he commented cynically. Seriously, some people have no work ethic at all these days, he judged.
Sighing again, he went to stand by the Sage stenographer. “It is by Fire Sage decree that… “ he dictated to the attentive monk.
“Ok, looks good enough,” he said, eyeing their work when they finished. “Now hopefully this doesn’t FUBAR us all. I’d hate to lose that pension.” Rolling up the scroll and adding the trademark Fire Sage seal, he turned to his colleagues with a grin. “So who’s up for some Co-Ed Naked Pai Sho with the nuns?”
*****
/TBC
/AN: I know, not as strong and humorous a first impression as the original, but it gets better!
/AN: Kudos to the first person who gets the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” quote!
/x-posted to my ff.net account: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3362644/1/
/x-posted to my deviantart account: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/47533535/