I refuse to be afraid of almost anyone.
Though the feeling of being alone, isolated if you will, in a room with someone I love is terrifying.
I'm drowning in my own attempts to be happy, to find a path worth living, something to not only live for but to die for. They say that without optimism life is dismal and bleak, but the harder I try to cultivate a sense of betterment, connection, love, and peace the more I feel as though I'm floating in a constant purgatory of self doubt, loathing, and fear.
In my attempts to carve my own life out of this block of steel I've been handed I've not only isolated myself from others that I had mutual friendships with but from the family that cares about me to an absurd degree. I do not deserve the views that I hold, my life has been rough, though it has been full of love. Because of that, I need to take a stick of dynamite to my cynicism and contempt for humanity... and I've been trying.
But I need to rebuild the friendships that I've pushed to the side, consistently have been neglecting for the last few months. Instead of letting the tidal waves of life crash over me and refusing to focus on the the low tide, I need to make myself look at the happy things. Not only dream of the things that could be, but love the things that are.
I'm not used to being alone. I say I am, and I really felt as though I was. But the more this life continues the more I realize how "blessed" I've been with the people who have walked into my life. I cannot take advantage of those connections any longer, people do not take kindly to being disregarded. I miss those late night conversations, the warmth of laughter and smiles, the playful banter.
If you ignore the text messages and phone calls long enough, they eventually stop coming.
I'm drowning in my own attempts to be happy, to find a path worth living, something to not only live for but to die for. They say that without optimism life is dismal and bleak, but the harder I try to cultivate a sense of betterment, connection, love, and peace the more I feel as though I'm floating in a constant purgatory of self doubt, loathing, and fear.
In my attempts to carve my own life out of this block of steel I've been handed I've not only isolated myself from others that I had mutual friendships with but from the family that cares about me to an absurd degree. I do not deserve the views that I hold, my life has been rough, though it has been full of love. Because of that, I need to take a stick of dynamite to my cynicism and contempt for humanity... and I've been trying.
But I need to rebuild the friendships that I've pushed to the side, consistently have been neglecting for the last few months. Instead of letting the tidal waves of life crash over me and refusing to focus on the the low tide, I need to make myself look at the happy things. Not only dream of the things that could be, but love the things that are.
I'm not used to being alone. I say I am, and I really felt as though I was. But the more this life continues the more I realize how "blessed" I've been with the people who have walked into my life. I cannot take advantage of those connections any longer, people do not take kindly to being disregarded. I miss those late night conversations, the warmth of laughter and smiles, the playful banter.
If you ignore the text messages and phone calls long enough, they eventually stop coming.