"All I want is a family, like everyone else I see. I won't understand it If it's not meant to be."

[exwarblercop]

Who: exwarblercop and nobodysvictim
What: Times changing
Where: Strip House, NYC
When: Monday evening
Rating: Child friendly

Comments

[nobodysvictim]

Nate was honestly thrilled to get some time alone with his husband. Andrew had suggested he stay out of work for a few days to avoid the possibility of infection in his hand, so he'd grudgingly taken a few days off, and it was driving him damn crazy. Jez and Seb were out of school for the summer, so they kept Nate company, especially Jez. The younger twin was always so in tune with other people's feelings, that he could tell Nate was edgy because of being out of work, and had automatically stuck close to keep Nate from getting too bored.

But it was automatically relaxing being with his other half, and when Chris smiled at him, even after all this time, there was still a little part of Nate that got butterflies sometimes. This was definitely one of those times, and a smile spread over his face, mixed with a major dose of relief just to be with his husband when he wasn't really feeling his best. "I'm hanging in there," Nate replied looking down at his hand, which was bandaged up and shrugged. "It's rough having one hand out of commission. I've got so much I need to do. But my day was actually nice. Jez and I hung out most of the day. He's so kindhearted. I wish we had more people like him in the world. It'd put me out of a job, but with a job like mine, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing." Nate extended his free hand to rest it on top of Chris's for a moment. "How about yours?"

[exwarblercop]

Chris pointed at Nathan's hand with a shake of his head. "I still cannot believe you did that. What have I told you before about leaving your work at home? When you shoulder the problems of everyone else, it's going to start putting you at risk. I'm not saying you can leave it all behind, because I know right now there is a shitload of stuff going on in the family you can't help but be really worried about, but seriously, babe, it wasn't like you just sliced your fingers. Stitches? A sling? Antibiotics. In saying that, I owe the doc a drink for taking such good care of you. If you didn't get the best care, dudes in scrubs would be getting a bitchslap, if you know what I'm saying." Or he would just call up his lawyer mate and sue the ass off them... same deal.

"Jez is a great kid. He never lets anyone hurt if he can help. He's a lot like you, but he's just less up in the Dr Phil stakes than you are. It was an okay day. I mostly spent it with my nose buried in my case files, and I had lunch with Cooper. He was out getting prescriptions for Blaine's meds filled, and Kurt and Blaine wanted a few less bodies in their apartment for a little while now Kurt's home, even if he is on strict bed rest. Coop said the kid even just looks a little better from being in his own environment, so it can't be a bad thing at the end of the day. Maybe Seb can have a follow-up visit with Kurt when he's not looking so much like death warmed over," he suggested. "I know he was spooked. He seriously broke down with me, bawled his eyes out. But then, Pete said he went to visit Kurt himself, and it was within reason."

[nobodysvictim]

Nate swallowed down a sip of his Diet Coke, forgoing having a glass of wine or something tonight due to the medication that Andrew had given him. He didn't want to risk making anything worse or adding any more stress at this point in time. "I know, babe," he replied calmly, trying to reassure Chris that he was fine, but the fact was, he wasn't fine, and he knew it. He was carrying the weight of Blaine's issues on his shoulders, along with Sebastian's upset concerning Kurt, and probably a million other things that were constantly on his mind at any given time. Then there was the whole laundry list of things he needed to do to prepare for the activities at the Community Center for LGBT Pride Month, and yes, whether or not he wanted to admit it, Nate had taken on far too much for one person to carry. But all of these things mattered so deeply to him he couldn't just step aside and leave them in the hands of someone else. "I don't think buying the doctor a drink would be the best plan," Nate replied evenly. "Remember when Pete's girlfriend's brother wrote himself off after breaking up with his fiance? That was my doctor... AKA Kurt's ex and general doctor. It's a little too connected for comfort, but I don't think he needs a drink. Besides, Daniel wouldn't have let a sub-par doctor help me anyway."

"I love him to death," Nate replied. "He's always so kind and so aware of how other people feel. He's not going for the psych thing, but he'd be damn good at it if he ever did. Except maybe not. I think it'd be too hard for him to separate himself from the situations he dealt with. Not that I have any room to talk lately, but it's different. This is our family that's struggling right now... And Cooper and Blaine and Kurt are just extensions of the family to me... I don't see it as any different. That might be good for Sebastian. In fact I'm almost sure it would be. It's full on seeing people sick... But especially when they're people you know, and the sickness is as bad as Kurt's."

[exwarblercop]

Chris looked at Nate uncertainly, knowing there to be more than this than met the eye or the brief facts Nate was starting to lay on the table. "Your doc in the ER was Andrew? Kurt's ex, and his doctor? Well, yeah, okay. It's not much of a push considering the dude works in the hospital closest to where we all live. You were lucky Dan was on shift. Or, I'm lucky, at least, or I know you would have tried to down-play the whole thing and go back to work too soon. But I don't get what that has to do with me not being allowed to buy Andrew a drink for helping you. Dude sounds like a hardworker."

He nodded. "He's a smart cookie, he'll help anyone who needs it. Not many people have that natural instinct with people like you guys do, and if you do, hell yes you should use it to help others. Jez was always the sort of kid who would chatter to anyone who listened. He loved talking to people, but he didn't like being the centre of attention. He wasn't doing it just to hear the sound of his own voice. Seb was always the extrovert and Jez was happy to fall into the background behind him and let him be the one to shine. He has spoken about considering psych with kids. He's doing degrees enough to keep his options open. And that's different with Coop and all that. Blaine needs your help like nothing else. Coop knows that and Blaine has admitted enough. If you don't help him, he might not let anyone else close enough to. Which could also be the key to helping Seb, if he knows you're helping Blaine and Kurt."

[nobodysvictim]

"Yeah. That was him. It's... It's a really long story." He tried to run over it in his head as to what was acceptable to tell his husband, and what needed to be kept in confidence for Dan's sake. Speaking of Dan, he let the conversation rest on his friend for a moment instead of answering Chris's question. "The bastard threatened to tattle on me! He said if I didn't take a few days off work, he'd call you up and tell you that I was going against medical advice. But..." Nate paused, seriously trying to think of the best way to put this. "I don't think... Just from what I've put together from a few different people... that Andrew's exactly in a place where he is handling alcohol very well. I don't know the whole story, but between what Pete told us, and what Dan told me? The guy probably should lay off the booze a little. I think it has to do with Kurt, but... it's just not good."

Nate had always felt a special connection to his youngest brother-in-law for that very reason... The shared intense need to help other people when they needed it, and the warmth and inner spirit needed to do just that. "Jez is one of those people that just makes your life better just by being in it and being him. I will help Blaine no matter what, though. No matter how bad it gets, this isn't about me. It's about him and helping him however I can, and I'll be damned if I don't do it. And the same goes for Seb. Seb's family, and Blaine might as well be. I don't care that there's no biological connection, he's family."

[exwarblercop]

Chris' eyebrows slowly raised as his cop brain automatically worked to seek out connections between the lines of what was being said. "He's an alcoholic? Though not prominent enough to risk his job or getting struck off as a doctor. Past alcoholic? The split and all the stuff with Kurt has driven him back to the bottle? And he wasn't tattling on you, he was looking after you because you're so stuck on looking after everyone else, you forget to look after yourself. Dan's a good guy. I'm surprised you haven't tried to marry him off to someone yet."

"Sometimes, I wish more of Jez would rub off on Sebastian, though. Even just a little bit. All this Kurt and Blaine stuff has knocked him so hard, that if he was just a little more compassionate and sensitive in general, he might have dealt with it a bit better within himself. But I don't think I've ever seen Seb like this. He's really upset and I just think it's got to be a matter of guilt, fear of the unknown, fear that something like cancer could take someone important away from him... take Germ away from him. It just shows how much of a psychological domino effect something like cancer can have on someone. Blaine's had a fuck load of pain in his life... Seb's only got to be thinking he was part of that in the past. Plus, as much as the kid won't fucking admit it, I think he wants something like what Kurt and Blaine has. He'll get aggressive and deny everything because he doesn't understand being linked to someone on that level, but I think he wants it. He's been to Kurt and seen how sick he is, which is pretty damn full-on... and now all he's left with is wondering what's such the big deal in sticking by someone's side through that and loving them so much you take care of them when they might slip away at any minute. It's beyond his comprehension," he murmured, fiddling with the fork on the table in concern for his family.

[nobodysvictim]

Sometimes Chris could make Nate's head spin with how quickly he could put two and two together. "I... Yeah. How the hell do you always do that? I mean, I look at you and say, 'It's supposed to be nice out tomorrow,' and you come back with, 'Babe, if you wanted to go pick up that lamp you wanted for the living room, all you had to do was say so.' I know you're a cop, but for God's sake, you're insanely quick at that shit." His hand was sore, and as they sat there eating, Nate was struggling to pick at his food instead of using both hands to cut things. "That's my job, though, baby," Nate replied carefully. "I got training to be able to help other people and look out for them. And I have tried to marry Dan off, but he's a hard nut to crack."

"I agree with that totally. You have to face your emotions at some point, and Seb's very much avoiding that to the furthest degree that he can. He's shut me down when I've brought the subjectup to him. I think the fact is, when shit really got real, he didn't know it was coming, and he couldn't have dreamed what happened with Kurt, or with Blaine. He's convinced himself that all he needs in this world is himself and Jeremy, and they'll be just fine He's never seen anything quite like this, and it has to be scaring him to death, babe. And it's a shame, too, because honestly? I think Seb would make some guy an amazing other half if he'd give himself half a damn chance."

Pausing in silence for a moment as he let all of that process, Nate turned back to his husband "But that's not exactly the only reason I wanted to see you, babe."

[exwarblercop]

Chris just shrugged indifferently. Honestly, he didn't really know how he did it, per se. It had always been cluey and curious, but his detective skills had all been finely tuned on the job and he just automatically used them in every day life. He didn't realise he was doing it, but it was his job to find the facts the quickest and easier way possible, and finding links to things that didn't seem to have links was always part of it. "It wasn't that far of a jump," he said modestly, not always the best person to take compliments. "It makes sense, though. Look at what the dude has worked through recently? I mean, he was the one who triaged Blaine with the shooting, and it was, like, weeks after he found out the dude had fucked around with his ex. So, he had all that before Kurt even got diagnosed, which he also found and had to shoulder the pain of telling Kurt and Blaine. Now this, his own relationship is down the toilet. How much can one guy take? Seriously, it sounds like he needs someone to just sit him down and, I dunno... cuddle him. Sometimes, you just need someone to cuddle the fuck out of you and help you see that you're not alone. Hard nut to crack..." he repeated with a boyish smirk.

"Seb's... I'm not going to say special, but he's a rare breed, I guess you could say. He doesn't like anything out of his control, and as much as we don't realise it, love is out of our control. In fact, it's saying to someone 'Hey, let's have control together... and by the way, you need to trust me unconditionally, be loyal to me, respect me, and I have to trust you in return'. When you think about it like that, it's fucking huge and all the very essence of things that are unknown quantities to Seb. In fact, I'm betting he doesn't even get how Blaine would want to stick around through the difficulties of nursing Kurt through cancer. Don't get me wrong, I think in the right circumstance, Seb would do the same, but right now, he's not sure he would. He doesn't get it, and that's scaring him too. I think he needs to see Kurt again, one on one, when Kurt has the ability to interact with him," he deduced. "As hard as that might be for Seb to swallow. He needs to see that sometimes, life just sucks and it isn't always something you can control."

But at this, he paused and raised an eyebrow enquiringly. "Should I be worried?"

[nobodysvictim]

Nate shook his head. "Always with the humility, you," he said warmly as his eyes held Chris's across the table. Some days he had no idea how he was so fucking lucky. It could just as easily have been some 50 year old cop who'd eaten too many donuts and was losing all his hair who'd found Nate on the steps outside the Center that night. But it hadn't been. It had been Chris, and he had been the one person in this world who was made for Nate in every possible way. "Trust me, the cuddle thing? I totally understand that one. Do you have any idea how many times just having you hold me made a load of shit seem like maybe I would be okay even when I felt like I'd never be able to dig my way back out of all the hurt? And yes. Hard nut to crack. You're horrible, you know. I'm Serious Business right now!" he protested, but there was no bite in his words, and the fondness for his husband showed all over his face.

"This is a huge concept for anyone to grasp. But, yes. Especially when you're talking about someone with the outlook on life that Sebastian has. He's used to things being very cut and dried. And he's used to running the show his way. Cancer isn't like that. Nobody runs the show. Everybody has to just cross their fingers and fight and hope like hell that it all turns out okay, even if there's no way in hell you think it can. That's not something Sebastian's ever faced." He paused, giving his husband a small pout. "Hey! I'm the therapist... You're stealing my job here! But in all seriousness, babe, you're right. I think he does need to see Kurt and actually talk to him. Maybe Blaine, too."

"I don't think so," Nate replied with a thoughtful look. No. He didn't think this was anything to be worried about. "I've... I've been doing a lot of thinking, sweetheart. And I'm kind of... I'm ready for us to have a baby."

[exwarblercop]

Chris just gazed at Nathan calmly across the table and issued another shrug. He didn't see his job as anything he should be honoured for. It was something he prided himself on, and it was beyond important to him that he did a good job. He wanted and needed to help people, and he often saw some of the worst things, but that also meant he could do what he did to try and prevent that happening to others. Nate was a prime example. It wasn't that he ever anticipated falling in love with him, but even before that, Chris sunk blood, sweat and tears into that case to solve it. He still remembered the day it all got too much when he broke down in the shower and sat on the floor of the cubicle sobbing his heart out until his skin was all wrinkly and sensitive. It hit him hard just how easily it could have been Sebastian that was the one who got beaten to a pulp, and it was probably from that point on that Chris got emotionally invested and did all he could to solve it so he could approach Nate outwith the professional holds. "Yeah, I have a pretty good idea, babe... I also know that Kurt's ill enough to not even have the strength to cuddle his husband some days, and that's something I can't even fathom."

"I was his brother before you were his therapist," he pointed out with a smirk. "I even changed his diaper. Hell, he pissed on me once when I didn't get it on quick enough. Then Jez lying beside him laughing his mini baby butt off and pissed on me too. It was like twin tag team with the pissing. What I'm saying though is that I know Seb. Not the Seb he puts out to the world, but the one he is when he thinks no one is looking. And he has never had a meaningful romantic relationship. Not one. How can he fathom a partner having cancer when he can't even fathom merely having a partner?"

But at this, he stopped, eyebrows raising at the rather out-of-the blue subject change. "Are you serious? Why now?"

[nobodysvictim]

Nate extended his good hand to thread his fingers through Chris's, his eyes resting on the simple bond formed between them by the connection there. To imagine what Kurt and Blaine were going through was more than Nate could totally wrap his mind around. When he and Chris were together, especially when something was wrong, or hurting, there was almost always some level of physical connection between them, whether it was holding hands or something as simple as sitting side by side where their arms touched. They were still totally in love with each other, and while it may not have been quite to the level of constantly ripping each other's clothes off every time they were alone, there was still a great deal of affection and physical contact that Nate felt lost without. If he were that sick, he'd want to lie in bed and cuddle with his husband, and the knowledge that this disease had ripped ever that away from Blaine and Kurt made Nate hurt for them just that much more. "I can't wrap my mind around it, no matter how hard I try," Nate admitted, squeezing his husband's hand as he looked up to meet his gaze. "I'd be lost."

"Oh, God... Twin pissing attack... Seriously, even as babies they were synced up..." He had to laugh at that, squeezing Chris's hand again before returning to his food to take a bite as he listened. "It makes sense. Seb's close to you, Pete, and Jez, but he's never faced losing one of you like this... And like you said, no romantic relationship means no comparison for what Kurt and Blaine are going through... I think deep down, that might be part of what's got him in a head spin. I'm not convinced there's not a part of Seb that wants to know the kind of love that Kurt and Blaine have for each other."

Nate knew that question was coming. It wasn't Chris's way to just immediately agree, especially on something as serious as bringing a new life into the world, but Nate was well prepared for that... Or at least he thought so. "We've known for a while that it was something we wanted," he began, keeping focus on his husband's face. "We both love kids... And babe... I love you... And we're not getting any younger, and seeing what Kurt and Blaine are going through? Life's too short, Chris... I love you and I want a family with you... and soon."