"I'm traumatized and I feel confined. I seem so unsettled, I don't feel alive."

[mightbenaughty]

Who: mightbenaughty, justbeingaqueen and petersansthepan
What: Promised introductions
Where: Oncology Ward, Mount Sinai Hospital
When: Simultaneous to THIS
Rating: Could be swearing

Comments

[justbeingaqueen]

Of course, Kurt was immediately distracted then watching Blaine to make sure he wasn't going to wake up. He had been running a bit of a fever earlier and feeling drained, but it wasn't uncommon for Blaine with the HIV. Kurt had learnt that Blaine would just randomly spike a fever that never eventuated to anything, or he could vaguely show fluey symptoms without actually ending up with the flu. It was just another thing they needed to get used to, but Kurt just wanted Blaine to rest as much as he could so it didn't turn into something more nasty or sinister. Something was beyond off with Blaine lately and whenever Kurt tried to broach the subject with him, Blaine just promised he was okay. When he saw Blaine's head drop down to the side as he continued to sleep peacefully, Kurt bit down on his lip, relieved he hadn't been woken up and then gently tucked the blanket back up over Blaine's shoulder.

He had no idea the real reason Sebastian's brother was here, but now he did remember that he was one of Cooper's close friends. He had heard that a lot in passing. "It's okay, darling, we'll be fine," he reassured Abigail with a faint smile. "Tell Andy I need to talk to him when he has a few minutes to spare." And he did, but it was nothing about his own health. He needed to know what had gone on with Sam and make sure Andrew was okay in the wake of it. A broken engagement had to be one of the most painful things ever. He and Sam had seemed so happy, and then they suddenly weren't.

Once Abigail had gone with a distinct and lingering shoulder squeeze for Pete, a small smirk played on the corners of Kurt's lips. "You're seeing each other, aren't you?"

[petersansthepan]

The tenderness Kurt showed toward his husband, even as he fought for his own life spoke very deeply to Pete. That was the kind of relationship he wanted -- one where he and his other half would look out for each other, even in the worst of times. When Abi got the page, Pete hated to see her go, not even because he felt awkward being left alone with Kurt, because he got the feeling Kurt was one of those people who could put you at ease even in the most awkward of circumstances, but more because he hadn't really gotten a chance to see her much since their first date, aside from helping her with Andrew that night.

Pete's hand had come up almost without his even thinking about it to give Abigail's a tender squeeze as it rested on his shoulder with a reassurance that he'd be just fine before the woman was gone, and he and Kurt were left alone (aside from the snoozing Blaine on the other side f the room). His gaze met Kurt's with his own little smirk. "That obvious, huh?" he asked, shaking his head. "Yeah, we're seeing each other. We met when she came in to tend to my little brother... Jeremy... Sebastian's twin. He had a burst appendix, and she came to make sure his sutures and stuff looked good. I was pretty much smitten from the start. She's a special woman, that's for damn sure."

[justbeingaqueen]

After checking Blaine really was still comfortable, Kurt turned his attention directly to Pete. "Sorry, he wasn't feeling the best earlier and he's a walking mess. We make quite the pair. I just like to keep him asleep if he gets there because he's not getting near enough of it lately. But he's stubborn like me, and even if it's infuriating, I'd be a hypocrite to call him on it," he said wryly and settled against his own pillows again.

He nodded in confirmation of the query. "I can still have bursts of observability sometimes when something smacks me in the face, but in all honestly, I have very little awareness of what's truly going on all around me most days. It's a bit surreal. To be honest, I only knew in passing that Sebastian was here, and I'm sorry about his twin. I feel like I should know half this stuff, but I'm just out of the loop. Well, sort of. I'm deluded enough to know that the loop is carrying on around me and that my situation is a burden to a lot of people's lives, but I hear about things happening but never really see any direct evidence of it happening because I'm just stuck in here or at home. But, um... Abi said you wanted to meet me for some reason. Do you mind if I ask why? As much as I love a good party and meeting new people, I'm not exactly a fabulous host right now."

[petersansthepan]

"No need to apologize," Pete reassured Kurt, crossing his legs in the chair as he tried to get comfortable for a conversation. "You guys are lucky you've got each other, even if stuff doesn't seem the most lucky at the moment. Abi told me the pair of you were really something. She wasn't lying. Doesn't take much to see how much you love him."

A small smile crossed Pete's lips at Kurt's question, followed by the calling into question of his current skill as a host. "Well," he said honestly, drumming the fingers of one hand against his thigh as he tried to figure out the best way to put this without it coming across wrong. "Sebastian came in here to see you the other day... He said he felt like after everything that happened between the two of you, he should come by. He... he didn't handle it so well. And the truth is, I really don't know how to be there for my brother, because I had no idea what exactly he was facing. I remember him telling us about you back in the day... About how you had the guy he wanted, but he was going to get him... He underestimated what you two have by a longshot." He smiled faintly. "Seb always thought he was entitled to whatever he wanted back then. He's grown up a lot. Still a bitch, but he's a good man. It's hard as a brother to watch the people you've been trying to protect since they were babies hurting, no mater what the reason." He paused, "But besides all that, I really just wanted to meet you. I heard so much about you, and there are always all these people in and out to see you... I had to meet the famous Kurt Hummel-Anderson myself."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt curled his fingers around his wedding rings on the chain around his neck with a small nod. "Love takes a whole knew meaning you never even knew existed when you face losing them... each other, even. In my humble experience, couples who have had to fight for each other... and with each other... have a lot more strength below the surface. Neither of us feel very strong right now, but we give each other something to fight for. I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for him. That's not even some romantic exaggeration. I just wouldn't be. I used to think my mom was my guardian angel, but I think she just sent me Blaine for that role. The amount of times he has rescued me just when it felt like everything was swallowing me is countless."

There was a small frown of uncertainty. "Sebastian came here? I... don't remember him being here. I guess it was one of the times I was pretty sick. There's a lot of those lately, unfortunately. You get the good fortune of me just after a medication round. Morphine is pretty good stuff. I've been sort of out of it a lot lately, though. Chemo is evil and when they offer to knock me out through the worst of it, I've learnt to say yes. I just... wow. I haven't seen him since school. It can't have been a smooth ride for him to rock up and this to be what he's greeted with. I mean, like I said, this is sort of a good patch. They're trying to wean me off everything so I can go home. But yes, he and I were very much not the best of friends, and there was no way I was giving Blaine up. He was my other half. Plus, there was really no love lost when Sebastian hurt Blaine with that slushie. I had to deal with the aftermath of that with Blaine, and it impacted on him a lot." There was a small, tired laugh at this. "People telling fairy stories again. I'm pretty sure the Kurt they were all talking about as long since left the building."

[petersansthepan]

Watching the other man hold on to the rings around his neck, Pete almost choked up. This horrible diseas had robbed Kurt of so much -- his health, his dignity, his independence -- but the one thing it had not been able to take from him was the love he shared with his husband. They were broken, nearly shattered, but they hadn't given up on each other, and apparently because of each other. As Kurt spoke of the love he and Blaine had -- how it had been their strength to carry on -- Pete couldn't help thinking that this sounded like a running theme. His own brother had fallen head over heels for Nathan in the midst of an investigation into the beating that nearly killed him. "That seems to be the way it goes for a lot of people. Love becomes so much more... I don't know, everything... when you have to fight for it. I don't know. I've never been in love. But I'll tell you a secret if you keep it on the down-low. Abi? She's... Well, the more time I spend with her, the more I don't think I'll be making that claim much longer."

"Yeah. He said he owed you an apology and he came by here. He didn't know what to expect. He's never seen anyone as sick as you are before. I know that sounds like a really thoughtless thing to say right now, but it's true. He's lived a pretty charmed life so far, and even though he's been a real dick in the past, me and Chris always wanted to keep him and Jez from hurting as much as we could... Chris is the brother just younger than me, and Jez is Jeremy, Seb's twin... I know you guys never got on the best, but as much as he'd deny it, I think he always respected you and envied you." He offered Kurt his own smile, warm and friendly. "Yeah, well, try convincing all those other people of that. They all seem quite convinced to the contrary."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt listened to him closely with his head resting comfortably against his pillows. He was still in a little pain throughout his body, but he was warm and comfortable, making the conversation easy and not making him feel like he was about to check out on it at any moment in a fit of tears or vomiting or pained moaning when it all just got too much. "I can't imagine never having been in love. I remember what it was like before I did, but I always had hopes I would find it. I remember it being... well, very solitary and lonely. I've been lucky that the two guys I have been in love with have been amazing and very important parts of my life... which brings us to Andy, and boy, do I hope you like a good challenge, because it's been a long time since Abi has had a boyfriend, and Andy's probably primed for a good fight in her honour. He won't just settle for anyone for her. Like me, she had me jumping through rings when I started dating him. It's a twin thing."

"If he's lived a pretty charmed life, there's nothing wrong with cherishing that. It's a unique thing, and I wouldn't inflict any of this on anyone. Sebastian and I more than clashed in the past, and I can't lie that it pissed me off that he just wanted Blaine because I had him. He even blatantly perved on Blaine's ass right in front of me at the coffee shop once and I nearly picked up a chair and smashed him in the face with it... no offence. I'm sure all you Smyths have lovely faces," he added with a small smirk. "I'm just surprised to hear he had a want to come here, I guess. School was a lifetime ago, even if only a few years, but none of us are the same anymore. I know I'm not. I'll never be the same again after any of this."

[petersansthepan]

"I've dated before," Pete said contemplatively. "A lot when I was in college, but it was never serious, and I was never all that into it. It wasn't anything special. Nothing like what you and Blaine or my brother and his husband have by a long shot. And that's what I'm going for. I'm not a young guy anymore... I mean, I'm not old by any stretch, but I'm at that point in life where I want to find someone I can marry and love for the rest of my life. I'm lucky to be surrounded by my brothers... I've never been the solitary type. But I've been lonely from the romantic perspective for sure." He grinned a little at that, remembering Abi telling him how protective Andy was. "I've heard. I'm ready, though. I think I can relate to him on the level of being a protective brother, but this is also his baby sister I'm falling for... I want to be good to her, though. She's amazing, and she deserves it." He almost blushed, if he were the blushing type, and gave Kurt a sheepish glance. "Sorry, dude... I kinda got carried away there."

Everyone he'd talked to was right, Kurt had a great personality, and even knowing that Kurt didn't feel his best didn't deter the fact that the other man was making him laugh quite a bit. "We do have pretty lovely faces," Pete replied with a grin. "But if it makes you feel any better, you certainly wouldn't be the last person to want to smash Seb's. There have been definite times when even I wanted to smack him one good time, and I love the kid. He's a good guy deep down, Kurt. I know that's kind of hard to believe, but it's true. He's got a good heart, if he lets somebody close enough to see it... He tends not to, though." He gave Kurt a quiet nod at that. "Now, that part I can understand. Even without all the huge stuff you've been through, people change. But in defense of my statement, it was Abi telling me how great you are. Not somebody who's going off your high school persona." He glanced over at Kurt tilting his head to one side. "You really didn't have to talk to me, dude," he realized. "What made you say it was okay?"

[justbeingaqueen]

"It's not overrated," Kurt told him quietly, looking at Blaine with a smile he saved only for his husband. "Don't let anyone tell you it is, don't let anyone trash the notion of finding the one person who matches you. It's all worth it, all the fighting. I used to think I didn't need anyone and I could face the world alone when I had no one. It turns out I did have special people, I was just holding them away from me because I was scared of having them and losing them like I lost my mom. I was scared of people not accepting who I was. The biggest lesson I ever learned was that no one in this world belongs alone. We're built to exist with others. We're built to love, and care, and yearn. Fears just conceal that. It takes a strong, strong person to admit they need people... need someone, that special someone. He's the only reason I'm even still here right now," he admitted with a small nod at a sleeping Blaine. "Medicine can only do so much. When you get as sick as I am, you need a reason to keep suffering through it. I'm not just giving up. He fought for me, and now it's my turn to fight for him."

He was quiet for some time before he located the words he wanted to answer Pete's question. His eyes were lowered while he thought it over with probably more depth than than Pete intended to stir up. "I know I didn't have to," he began quietly, eyes lifting back to lock on Pete's face. "You get sick to the level I am, and you stop doing things because you have to and it more becomes a fact of doing them because you need to. I don't want people to forget me. Which I know sounds odd, considering I haven't really gone anywhere yet. But you would be surprised how much you can lose yourself in something like cancer. You stop being a person and start to become the disease. I'm Kurt... with cancer. I'm not just Kurt anymore. So, I'm doing what I can to hold onto as much of me as I can. If that's talking to strangers because they want to understand things more, then I'd rather that than you just thinking I'm the dude who could die who was dating the guy your little brother wanted in high school. Can you see what I'm saying? Before you met me, I was just a name with a sickness, right? Now I bet you're sitting there wondering why someone like me deserves any of this, because I'm human to you again. That's what I need to maintain right now. Which I guess says a lot, because I hated anyone seeing me sick before all of this. Now I just hate when they don't see me at all. I don't want to just die a statistic."

[petersansthepan]

"That's what I hear. But... Honestly, you know? This might surprise you, but the way you used to be? Before you stopped holding people at an arms length? It sounds like you had a lot more in common with Sebastian than you might think," he offered thoughtfully. "I mean, you two handled things very differently, but you both had that same fear of losing the people you loved, and that need to keep them away. Seb still does, though. He never learned what you did. It's not an excuse for anything he's done, but it was just... kind of surprising to hear you say that when that's how Seb's always been, too." He smiled over at Blaine. "I guess if ever there was proof that two people were more meant for each other, that would be it. He's your fight... That says a lot."

Pete wanted to stay strong right now, but the fact was, he couldn't. Tears welled up in his eyes, and a few of them tracked down his face before he caught them with his sleeve. "No... No, that makes perfect sense," he said, nodding firmly. "And you're right. I didn't know you before. You were a guy who I had some connections to me, and yeah... You were a guy with cancer who mattered to people who matter to me, but I knew nothing else about you really. I'm glad you let me talk to you. You're a good guy, Kurt. I'm glad I met the real Kurt and not just the disease."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt just gave Pete a small smile. "No, it doesn't particularly surprise me. I am sure Sebastian is like he is for his own reasons. Some people just prefer to think they can survive the world alone. Like I said, I used to be one of them, but mine was born of tragedy when I lost my mom. Things wouldn't have been half as painful or confusing for me over the years if I had her, because she encouraged me to be exactly who I was. I got most of my talent and tastes from her. She would have known how better to guide me. My dad, god love him, was clueless about having a gay son until I came out to him at sixteen and we had to figure it out together. I'm not diluting Sebastian's outlook by any means, but the difference between him and me was I didn't hurt people in pushing them away, it was to protect myself. Sebastian was just nasty sometimes. He used mocking and abuse to push people away, and underhanded tactics to climb to the top or for revenge. Hell, Blaine is walking proof of that. He was nearly blinded. And Sebastian was aiming that slushie at me. Blaine jumped in front of it. As horrible as this might sound, being sheltered might not have done Sebastian the best of favours at the end of the day. Maybe seeing and witnessing it might open his eyes more to struggle and pain. It makes you a better person, how you process it and overcome it. But I know he did see the error of his ways. He apologised to Blaine and I've never held any grudges against him."

He just quietly offered Pete the ever-present box of Kleenex Kurt had beside his bed. There was no judgement in him seeing people cry. This wasn't easy. He knew he stirred up stuff for anyone who visited. It was just human nature. "You can ask me anything you like. Anything. I mean, my dignity is pretty much gone these days, even if my husband works to ensure I keep it as much as I can, but honestly, you can ask me anything."

[petersansthepan]

"Sebastian's hard for me to understand," Pete admitted. "I've always been a lot more scared of what would happen if I didn't keep the people I love close to me. I went away to college, and I hated being away from my brothers more than I even know how to explain. I've always needed them, since Chris was born. But it's different, I know. I never had anyone I loved ripped away from me like that. And trust me, I'd never excuse Seb's behavior. He's my little brother, but he's a damn asshole when he wants to be. We all know it, and he catches pretty constant hell about it, too. I'm sorry for what he did to you and Blaine, though. He's gotten even better these days, believe it or not. He's still not a cuddly ball of sweetheartness or something, but he's a good man. After what happened with that kid who used to go to your school, he's grown up a lot. But I'm glad you guys made your peace."

Taking the Kleenex gratefully, Pete wiped at his eyes, thanking Kurt as he got himself calmed down. "I guess... I never really thought of what you ask somebody about when they have cancer. Are you in pain all the time? I've heard horror stories of how much it hurts, and... I don't know, I can't wrap my mind around that."

[justbeingaqueen]

Kurt carefully wet his lips. "Dave..." he murmured as a small frown crossed his forehead. "I lost touch with him strangely enough. I also told him I would help him and support him, but he stopped contacted me not long after I got to New York. You have to understand that Sebastian didn't cause Dave to hurt himself. That was a lot of compounding factors. Sebastian's indifferent slur was just one of many little things. I know it did impact on him and he turned a corner after that, but you should know Sebastian wasn't directly to blame. Dave bullied me really badly and made my life hell. But he was closeted and his mother didn't accept things, he started getting bullied himself. It was a mess of a situation. He picked himself after his suicide attempt. Last I spoke to him he was heading to college and had a more positive outlook on life. He learnt from his mistakes and experiences... just like Sebastian has. But you're Sebastian's older brother and it's probably worried you at the back of your mind he was the cause. He wasn't."

"I doubt anyone really does. It's not exactly something anyone would want to sit around and anticipate. Mostly, we prefer to think it will never happen to us, which is probably why it comes as such an horrific shock if it does..." He paused and then had no choice but to nod a little. "I am, yeah. I mean, this is just one form of cancer, but because it's in my lymph nodes and spread into my stomach and chest, I'm in agony sometimes. But morphine eases that. The chemo causes all sorts of horrible symptoms too. Some days, I'm just so sick I can't stop being sick. I can't eat, sleep. These are the bad days. The better days, I can just stay in bed and rest, and it's manageable. You can kiss goodbye to your dignity. That's probably been the hardest part for me. Losing control of your bodily functions, not even being able to shower, wipe your own butt, get up for the bathroom... it's... um... it's tough. I can see how some people get to a point where they don't want to go on. I have days where I'm in so much pain, I can hardly even remember my own name. I have great doctors, though. Probably some of the best. They make sure I don't suffer as much as they can."

[petersansthepan]

"Seb felt so guilty. I don't necessarily think it was Seb's fault. I mean, at the end of the day, no matter what people do to a person, they have their own choices as to how to deal with it. But the fact is that he was a small contributing factor, and to him, that was more than enough It was eye opening for him." He turned to look at Kurt in surprise. "You... You helped your bully when he was being bullied himself? That's pretty intense, but admirable as hell. I don't know many people who would've done that." Once again, Pete was struck by an intense level of respect for Kurt as a human being. Not only had he helped the boy who bullied him, he was being extremely careful to make it clear that Sebastian, who'd tried to steal his other half, then nearly blinded him, wasn't to blame for what Dave had done.

The fact was, the thought of always, one-hundred percent of the time being in some level of pain? Was very hard for Pete to swallow. If anything, it made it that much more clear to him how important Blaine was to Kurt. Pete was pretty sure that, if he didn't have someone in his life who he loved totally, and he were in pain like Kurt, he would've given up a long time ago. "I... I don't know what to say, Kurt. I'm sorry isn't nearly enough to tell you what I'm thinking and feeling. But words aren't really going to help much anyway. I'm just... Really happy that you have Blaine in your life to help you keep fighting. You're one of those people... I swear, I know I've only just met you, and you're sicker than hell, but there's just... There's a light in you... The world needs a lot more of that."

[justbeingaqueen]

There was a faint smirk and a slight tilt of Kurt's head. "Well, he was a right jerk. He should feel guilty. But that doesn't mean it was directly his fault. Slurs about a guy's weight is just lame, and you never know who is harbouring self-image issues when you're a teenager. Just about everyone is and teasing hurts. That's where I think Sebastian was at fault. He was indifferent to whether he hurt people and I think that when he realised how much that could actually hurt people, it knocked him. I mean, he made all the Warblers just... walk away from Blaine that night with slushie. Blaine was lying on the floor of a deserted parking lot screaming in agony and they walked away. It's not something I'll ever forget, but I did forgive them eventually when I saw how bad they felt about it and they wanted to make amends. And yes, I helped my bully, because he was suffering a lot of the same struggles I did and maybe even moreso because he build himself up in such an image of something he wasn't, it was hard to battle out of that. He was ashamed of what he was, and he had to learn it was nothing to be ashamed of. Me? I was never ashamed of being gay, I was just scared I would be treated badly because of it. And I was... hell was I treated badly, but it toughens you up. I wouldn't be the person I am today without all those experiences to learn from."

"It's okay. There's really nothing to say to that. Most days, I don't even know what to say and I'm living it. It just sort of sucks having this constant awareness that I'm sick. I almost can't remember how it feels to be healthy and well. I can't do anything but lie around in bed, and it's like a holiday when I can lie on the sofa some days. But we're moving soon, and that's going to be nice. It's a nicer place, and we'll have a garden I can sit in, big windows to look out, a fireplace in the bedroom, a nice big bath. It will be like heaven," he said with a small laugh. "The worst part probably is know I can't take care of my husband. He's not doing real well himself, and that's... it's hard."

[petersansthepan]

"Trust me," Pete replied with a small grin. "I know he's a jerk when he wants to be. But he's my little brother of a jerk... Which just makes me want to whack him in the back of the head that much more when he decides to act like a little twit. The fact is, Seb got insecurities of his own... And weaknesses. The main one being his twin. Seb would give up his balls to make sure nothing bad ever happened to Jez if he could help it. But yeah, when the guy tried to end it, and Seb found out? He called my brother Chris up and went to pieces on him. Killed me and Chris both that we couldn't be here for him when it felt like he needed us more than ever. But he manned up on his own and did his best to make amends and I've never been prouder of him than I was when I heard what he did. You're one hell of a guy, Kurt. I don't think I've ever met anybody with that much forgiveness in their heart... well, except maybe Jez."

"Abi told me you guys were looking at a new place. Sounds like a really nice one. I know the city has to be overwhelming when you're already feeling like utter shit, and everything so loud and goddamn busy all the time. Honestly, I've thought of moving out to the Westchester or Scarsdale area myself, once I settle down and get ready to start a family. The City's a tough place to do that. And I'm sure it's a tough place to deal with everything else you're dealing with." He could almost hear the heartache in Kurt's voice when he spoke of Blaine, and he gave him a small nod. "I can't really imagine. It's... It's all the stuff healthy people just take for granted, I guess."