Hi Livejournal!
Wow, it's been a while since I have updated here. I have been doing more journaling in my small personal journal I carry with me these days. Anyway, I thought I might do an update here, because this journal has been an archive of my life for the last 10 years.
So, I am on week 7 of prolonged exposure therapy, and it has helped me immensely. For example I was able to go to Costco, on a Saturday, during peak times, without a massive panic attack. My anxiety levels did rise, but not to the point of fleeing, or crying. And most importantly, I didn't avoid it. I bought cheese, and a pizza.
Overall my PTSD symptoms are easier for me to handle, and I don't know if it's because of all the education about PTSD and MST I have learned from group and therapy, or that I am habituating to them. I still in general have a lot of anxiety, and get triggered by things on a daily basis, but it is less than what it use to be which feels incredible to me.
Things with Robin are going extremely well. We haven't had a fight since mid January, despite having conflict here and there. I think we have established healthy boundaries, and loads of trust for each other. We both came into the relationship damaged from our exes, and I think we are finally letting go of that. Most importantly Glenn and Mallory have accepted me as part of the family. Their kid Noah loves me, and I think I have become a pretty good role model for Harrison especially where school is concerned. We do a weekly family dinner on Friday nights, and we have been spending more time around them in general. Glenn even fixed my power steering! All of this has removed a major stress out of Robin's life. Glenn has been less douchey about letting her spend time with Harrison.
Robin and I plan on officially moving in together next month, despite me practically living with her already.
I'm back in school, and doing ok. It's been bumpy, but I haven't given up. And I don't feel completely overwhelmed. My first Trig mid term is next week, and I have been studying hard for it. I want an A damnit! The best part about being back in school? Robin's complete support. The VA was late paying me, as usual, and it's amazing to be with some one who is understanding, doesn't criticize me(I think Robin has criticized me once, and that was a miscommunication), or demand I quit school because the money isn't good enough, reliable enough.
In general I'm in a constant state of just wow because of healthy our relationship has been. Part of my treatment has included learning the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships, and I am proud to say, for the first time in my entire life I am in a healthy relationship. Not only because Robin is just so fucking amazing, and supportive, but also because her family supports us as well, and accepts me as a part of them. I don't just have a partner, I have a family.
John, my therapist, says that it's amazing to see two people with anxiety disorders heal and support each other. He also mentioned that if we decide to have a commitment ceremony or marriage, that he is invited. Which is the highest compliment I have ever received regarding a relationship I have been in from an outsider.
Leaving Anna was a hard decision, and the choice left me homeless and with out means, but some times I think you have to weed, before you can till, and grow things that give nutrients. I was a mess in August, but I have worked hard since to be back on my feet. While I'm not walking, I have some one I can lean on, who leans on me, so that when we're both ready to take that step we can do it together, and not alone. Things were hard, but I have been rewarded for my hard decision ten fold, and I can imagine the life I would be living had I stayed with Anna and it is a hellish nightmare of emotional, mental, and financial abuse. I am glad I am not that person anymore, and that person is a ghost of the past.
My future is bright again, and I get to spend it with a new family, and a beautiful, sexy, partner who compliments me in every way. And I know I compliment her, and encourage her to grow, and dream.
So, I am on week 7 of prolonged exposure therapy, and it has helped me immensely. For example I was able to go to Costco, on a Saturday, during peak times, without a massive panic attack. My anxiety levels did rise, but not to the point of fleeing, or crying. And most importantly, I didn't avoid it. I bought cheese, and a pizza.
Overall my PTSD symptoms are easier for me to handle, and I don't know if it's because of all the education about PTSD and MST I have learned from group and therapy, or that I am habituating to them. I still in general have a lot of anxiety, and get triggered by things on a daily basis, but it is less than what it use to be which feels incredible to me.
Things with Robin are going extremely well. We haven't had a fight since mid January, despite having conflict here and there. I think we have established healthy boundaries, and loads of trust for each other. We both came into the relationship damaged from our exes, and I think we are finally letting go of that. Most importantly Glenn and Mallory have accepted me as part of the family. Their kid Noah loves me, and I think I have become a pretty good role model for Harrison especially where school is concerned. We do a weekly family dinner on Friday nights, and we have been spending more time around them in general. Glenn even fixed my power steering! All of this has removed a major stress out of Robin's life. Glenn has been less douchey about letting her spend time with Harrison.
Robin and I plan on officially moving in together next month, despite me practically living with her already.
I'm back in school, and doing ok. It's been bumpy, but I haven't given up. And I don't feel completely overwhelmed. My first Trig mid term is next week, and I have been studying hard for it. I want an A damnit! The best part about being back in school? Robin's complete support. The VA was late paying me, as usual, and it's amazing to be with some one who is understanding, doesn't criticize me(I think Robin has criticized me once, and that was a miscommunication), or demand I quit school because the money isn't good enough, reliable enough.
In general I'm in a constant state of just wow because of healthy our relationship has been. Part of my treatment has included learning the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships, and I am proud to say, for the first time in my entire life I am in a healthy relationship. Not only because Robin is just so fucking amazing, and supportive, but also because her family supports us as well, and accepts me as a part of them. I don't just have a partner, I have a family.
John, my therapist, says that it's amazing to see two people with anxiety disorders heal and support each other. He also mentioned that if we decide to have a commitment ceremony or marriage, that he is invited. Which is the highest compliment I have ever received regarding a relationship I have been in from an outsider.
Leaving Anna was a hard decision, and the choice left me homeless and with out means, but some times I think you have to weed, before you can till, and grow things that give nutrients. I was a mess in August, but I have worked hard since to be back on my feet. While I'm not walking, I have some one I can lean on, who leans on me, so that when we're both ready to take that step we can do it together, and not alone. Things were hard, but I have been rewarded for my hard decision ten fold, and I can imagine the life I would be living had I stayed with Anna and it is a hellish nightmare of emotional, mental, and financial abuse. I am glad I am not that person anymore, and that person is a ghost of the past.
My future is bright again, and I get to spend it with a new family, and a beautiful, sexy, partner who compliments me in every way. And I know I compliment her, and encourage her to grow, and dream.