Wounded from living among the shadows of others?
I remember two ways I have been wounded in the past. The first is more direct, that is, being shamed in front of others with harsh demeaning words. Past experience still haunts me today and manifests in particular ways. One is palpable anxiety at work. This puzzles other people and their 'why?' questions do not help with the inner turmoil. The process sometimes blocks my chain of thought and sometimes induces a temporary state of cognitive regression just when you least want it to. Philippians 4:6-7 speaks to me most when under such paralysing circumstances. Another is an intense reactive anger when I see someone verbally putting down another person.
The second way is more complex, by being on the receiving end of a combination of someone's commission and omission. For example, have you ever been in a group where someone was affirmed and idealised too many times because of his or her external output or qualities (usually he or she is a more prominent and charismatic person - and I am not in any way saying that he or she is at fault), while on the other hand you were ignored, neglected or had discouraging things told to you by the same group of people (usually you are the unnoticed, quietly hardworking soul who makes the small things count and is grateful for every small milestone)? Figuratively speaking, have you found yourself wounded from living among the shadows of others?
I have, both in my early school days, university years, as well as during my time in cell group. Looking back, it was always a real threat to the recognition and embracing of my true worth and identity in Christ. A simple remark such as “He mentored me before too” or “I know him too, we were in the same school” can sometimes carry overtones of insecurity. It was as though the other person was the critical mass and I was the less deserving person in the equation. At some point, I also made the same mistake of judging a few people and doing that same combination of commission and omission to them. Over the years, God helped me outgrow that subconscious ill habit of finding my security through affiliation and associating with certain people I looked up to - something that if one had pursued too hard, would have been like any other secular networking event where there is pressure to be recognised and accepted by others. Fortunately, student ministry back then did not organise us into cell groups based on the academic course we were enrolled in - otherwise it would have ended up becoming a club with an esoteric inner circle, rather than a fostering environment of Christian fellowship where many different people can come together to form one united body of Christ. I also once thought that being in the worship ministry or core team would make me a better, more worthy Christian, but that impression quickly fell apart after I struggled between those commitments and my work demands.
After all, whether one is a new believer, seasoned mentor, ministry member or pastor, we are all broken in the core until being fully restored in our Christ-centered identity - for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Sometimes we may also unknowingly hurt the person we look up to by idealising or exalting them, forgetting that they too need God's grace and mercy. One can go for multiple courses or seminaries to learn more about God, theology or how to function as a church leader - but the true spirit of servant-leadership only begins to blossom when you do things out of love (and often sacrificial) and remain willing to do even the most basic routine work that keeps our daily living possible. Interestingly, being a healthcare worker made me appreciate that last point more dearly. I also caught a glimpse of this when I saw how my parents raised me and maintained our household over the years, and when I witnessed how my friends transitioned into married life and moved into their new homes. Indeed, the daily struggles of living are just as significant as the big milestones in our walk with God.
If you have at some point been - like me - wounded from living among the shadows of others, or if you do not know how to continue from where you left off in your Christian journey, the first step you can take is remembering that you are God’s precious child and His love for you is constant and unwavering (unlike what you may have experienced within your circle of equally imperfect people), no matter what your circumstances are. Let God heal you and guide you through the complexities of your circumstances through the wisdom and nurturing guidance of the Holy Spirit. O come to the altar, the Father’s arms are open wide, forgiveness was bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Once in a while, it also helps to talk to someone who is struggling in his or her Christian journey and who is willing to share the experience with you. Be prepared for a precious time of one-on-one fellowship and access to an otherwise unheard testimony of how God can bless the broken road and how His glory can manifest through times of pain and suffering - not just in times of happiness and prosperity.